Curious15

Married but gay

18 posts in this topic

My gf and I have been together for 6 months now. Ever since she and I have been together. I feel like the orientation that identify with is changing. It's to the point where I feel going through the process of coming out again, not only to myself, but to my husband and my family. It's almost to the point where I dont want him to touch me. I prefer her touch. I don't know if its NRE or the fact I'm truly gay. If I'm really gay then I feel like I'm living a lie. I feel trapped. 

Has anyone experienced this?

Edited by Curious15
Adding more info.
5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have. When I found a girl I truly loved then my 10 year relationship with my fiance broke down. I didn't want him to touch me at all, not just sexually but even hugs towards the end. Id always wrestled my whole life with the idea I could be gay but when I met him I thought that maybe I was right and I was bisexual. Our relationship was good for a while but when it came down to being intimate I pushed him away, I would sometimes do things just because I felt guilty. I'd zone out and cry afterwards. I've never felt that way with my girlfriend. We've been together 3.5 years almost and I'm still as happy as the day we met. 

It could be that what you're feeling is NRE and things will go back to normal. Or it could be that you've finally found someone who makes you truly happy. It could be the fact she's female, or it could just be that you're meant to be together without bringing gender into it. 

I haven't figured out myself yet. Some days I tell myself I'm gay and that is why I was so unhappy before and other times I wonder if it's just because I found someone I was truly meant to be with. Maybe time will tell. But you're definitely not alone in this.

Edited by Rocker83
4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree that you're not alone.  It may be too early to tell if it's the NRE or that you truly are gay.  How did you like sex with him and other men before?

I identify as gay, though I'm more like homoflexible.  The idea of a guy at this point has little appeal, maybe in the context of a threesome or something, but not outside that.  Relationships and sex with women are so much more natural to me, even if I haven't found the right one yet.  Sex with men didn't repulse me, in general, but I fantasizes for years about women in order to get off, and I would be fine never sleeping with a man again.  My fantasies are always about women, and have been for a long time.

We each have our own experiences and path, but that's a bit about mine, if it helps at all.

You might look to see if there are any local support groups.  They can be very helpful.

6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am in a similar situation. In my rural area there are no support groups. My husband is the only man that I have been intimate with and my gf the only girl I've been with. It feels so natural being intimate with my gf even from the start of our relationship. My gf and I have been together less than a year. With my husband it took me a while to be comfortable with him. Even after being with him 17 years I still feel uncomfortable sometimes being intimate with him. Ever since I've been with her I can barely get off without think about our time together. When he touched me sometimes I have to keep myself from cringing. Should I be that way?? Does it mean I'm gay?? Is it NRE?? I'm really struggling to understand all these feelings that is going through my head. 

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i agree with the above posters. I've only been with 1 woman but it was so natural. I'm now divorced and on my own, living in a rural area has it's drawbacks but I don't really want to be with a man again. Not sexually. A woman's touch is what I crave now but I don't feel lesbian at all. It's just finding that right person for you regardless of gender. I guess I'm just a true Bisexual. 

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OMG this is so me right now! I was on this site but for some reason my account was lost during the new layout/website. My user name was eyes_nowopened or something like that. I came out to my husband last summer. Married of 8 year with 2 kids. But since being with 2 woman namely this woman I started talking with back in January. We are not "officially" girlfriend under her terms but for my definition we are. She is also married but she just had a baby back in March so her life is super busy yet she finds the time to talk every day. We do play dates with the kids. Ever time we kiss it's electric you can feel the energy. I have no attraction for my husband or any other guys. I wake up and think of her, I go to bed and think of her. She consumes my thoughts.....I'm at a cross roads. If you want to send me a p.m. we can talk more. Would love to because I'm very limited as to who, if any, I can share this with. 

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

YES!! 

I experienced the EXACT same thing, and unfortunately it didn't end well for me.

 

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Same as @Girlygirl, it was a very confusing time.  Loved every second with her, made some of the times with hubby more difficult (perhaps not cringeworthy, but not favorable) and despite it ending, it has left an impression as well as a somewhat crippling effect on my sexual activities as of late.   

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, TBD78 said:

Same as @Girlygirl, it was a very confusing time.  Loved every second with her, made some of the times with hubby more difficult (perhaps not cringeworthy, but not favorable) and despite it ending, it has left an impression as well as a somewhat crippling effect on my sexual activities as of late.   

Wow, sounds like we have very similar experiences! 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Girlygirl happy to share war stories if you want to PM me...at the 6 month mark of trying to "get over it"

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/12/2017 at 6:03 AM, Rocker83 said:

I have. When I found a girl I truly loved then my 10 year relationship with my fiance broke down. I didn't want him to touch me at all, not just sexually but even hugs towards the end. Id always wrestled my whole life with the idea I could be gay but when I met him I thought that maybe I was right and I was bisexual. Our relationship was good for a while but when it came down to being intimate I pushed him away, I would sometimes do things just because I felt guilty. I'd zone out and cry afterwards. I've never felt that way with my girlfriend. We've been together 3.5 years almost and I'm still as happy as the day we met. 

It could be that what you're feeling is NRE and things will go back to normal. Or it could be that you've finally found someone who makes you truly happy. It could be the fact she's female, or it could just be that you're meant to be together without bringing gender into it. 

I haven't figured out myself yet. Some days I tell myself I'm gay and that is why I was so unhappy before and other times I wonder if it's just because I found someone I was truly meant to be with. Maybe time will tell. But you're definitely not alone in this.

It's good to know I'm not alone as well as I started not wanting intimacy with my husband after experiencing not just the physical connection with a woman but the emotional - SOUL connection. I never knew I could love that deep. Scary and breath-taking at the same time.

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel you. However I don't have any intimate issues with my male fiancé but I have found myself wanting women. It started coming back after he kept bringing it up. Like you sure you don't miss women? Etc. I think I kind of do. I find myself looking and day dreaming a lot more now. 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, I am going through this myself right now.

I've always had "negative feelings" about sex and all my life assumed it was about sex in general. I was definitely raised to see sex as something shameful all around.  I had always just tried to rise above that feeling, but never could completely.  When I was first intimate with my girlfriend I was taken by surprise that I didn't feel that way. 

I tried to rationalize it as NRE for longer than I probably should have. It's been three years now.  And those feelings got worse with my husband to the point where I just can't be intimate with him anymore. Despite how much I care for him.

Its really been difficult.  I've become quite depressed.  I feel stuck and it's changed everything. A situation that once had balance no longer does. Despite having full support of both partners I can't help but feel awful for complicating things.  My husband and I have no family around, and we have two young girls with special needs.  The task of parenting our girls in two different households does not seem possible, and I can't imagine living apart from them for any length of time.  I'm feeling lonely and sad, I miss intimacy.  I feel like I'm not giving my husband what he needs and deserves, I want better for him.  It feels like a mess really.

i am seeing a therapist who has experience with these issues, but progress  seems slow.  

I guess my advice is to build space and time around you to work through this.  It's a lot to navigate and you have to try and be patient with yourself. Easier said than done, I know.  I wish you strength and you can talk to me if you ever need to.  Take care.

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/23/2017 at 10:27 AM, jupiter said:

Yes, I am going through this myself right now.

I've always had "negative feelings" about sex and all my life assumed it was about sex in general. I was definitely raised to see sex as something shameful all around.  I had always just tried to rise above that feeling, but never could completely.  When I was first intimate with my girlfriend I was taken by surprise that I didn't feel that way. 

I tried to rationalize it as NRE for longer than I probably should have. It's been three years now.  And those feelings got worse with my husband to the point where I just can't be intimate with him anymore. Despite how much I care for him.

Its really been difficult.  I've become quite depressed.  I feel stuck and it's changed everything. A situation that once had balance no longer does. Despite having full support of both partners I can't help but feel awful for complicating things.  My husband and I have no family around, and we have two young girls with special needs.  The task of parenting our girls in two different households does not seem possible, and I can't imagine living apart from them for any length of time.  I'm feeling lonely and sad, I miss intimacy.  I feel like I'm not giving my husband what he needs and deserves, I want better for him.  It feels like a mess really.

i am seeing a therapist who has experience with these issues, but progress  seems slow.  

I guess my advice is to build space and time around you to work through this.  It's a lot to navigate and you have to try and be patient with yourself. Easier said than done, I know.  I wish you strength and you can talk to me if you ever need to.  Take care.

Three years seems like a long time for it to be just NRE. Has therapy been helping you work through this? 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm in a similar situation. I've been with my husband 5 years now and always thought I was just hard to turn on. I met a women who I became close friends and eventually more with, and realized that I was wrong. I just don't like sex with men. I was able to pretend before. I could close my eyes and fantasize and get through it. Lately, though, he turns me off more than my fantasies can turn me on. My "girlfriend" is actually moving away and we've been talking less and less, so it's definitely not NRE...  I've also realized watching movies that only the women turn me on. And "hot" men make me nervous, but only the women interest me.  Seeing people in lesbian relationships make me so jealous. But I still don't want to really truly accept that I'm probably gay and give up the life my husband and I made. I can't be happy sexually with him, but I love my husband and I know we wouldn't keep a relationship through a divorce. He can be nasty when he's hurt. And additional circumstances make divorce even worse.... I've been searching for people like me to talk to for a while. It's tough...

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@QuestioningMarried sorry to hear. It's good that you're being honest with yourself, but does make the next steps more difficult. Are there any LGBT-affirming therapists in your area whom you could discuss this with?

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/31/2018 at 7:35 PM, ChemFem said:

@QuestioningMarried sorry to hear. It's good that you're being honest with yourself, but does make the next steps more difficult. Are there any LGBT-affirming therapists in your area whom you could discuss this with?

I've tried to look into it, but I don't really have the time. Also I tried therapy once for some slight ptsd and it sucked. I'm in the Dayton area of ohio if anyone has suggestions. 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My husband knew that I was bisexual when we met, 7 years ago. I had taken to a friend of a friend in 2016 and I told my husband how much I liked her. Things didn't end well with her, but my husband was supportive through the whole thing and even so in me joining this forum. He understands and is for me having a girlfriend, if it's my desire and makes me happy, and understands that she would be MY girlfriend. 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now