Ev33

Being bi and in a happy marriage with a man

86 posts in this topic

I am bisexual.. I have always had an attraction to both men and women. I have never been in a relationship with a woman, other than friendship and some crushes.. which left me crushed.

 I am happily married. I met my husband 6 years ago this month. I was open to a deeper type of relationship at the time and looking to settle down. Our relationship isn't perfect, but we are pretty perfect for each other. - We work together as parents and as a couple which is very important to me. 

So, why do I feel like I still want to be with a woman sexually?  - There are times, when it's an overwhelming sensation.. I can't stop thinking about meeting someone in a similar situation and having a sort of "friends with benefits" - "girlfriend" -  I even have a difficult time describing it.

So can you have both? Can you be happy in your marriage and still be attracted to women? Is this what being truly bisexual really feels like?  A tug of war where you find yourself one day looking at a man and thinking "wow.. he is hot." And then another looking at a woman and think "she is so beautiful or sexy." - although 90% of the time I end of having more sexual fantasies when I see a woman than a man. - Perhaps it's because I haven't been sexually with a woman in so long.. 

- sometimes I just feel a bit lost. 

Edited by Ev33
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YEs! Yes to all of this. I love my husband and our family immensly but I have also always had crushes on women but nothing ever came of them.

right after we had a kid i was so busy with all of that that i forgot about crushes, bisexuality, etc. There was just no time to think of it. But as my kid has gotten older I crushed again a few times. While still being in love with my husband. So yes it's possible.

i also have recently found a girl who I am heads over hills in love with, but unfortunately many continents away. But she makes me so happy. 

So yes it's possible to want both. And it's also possible to have both! ;)

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23 minutes ago, Ev33 said:

 

- sometimes I just feel a bit lost. 

Know how you feel.  Some days I think, oh well, never going to happen, get over it.  Other days, I've thought about it all day long.  Doesn't seem to be an answer.  Don't want to destroy my marriage, but deeply curious.

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21 minutes ago, Ona said:

YEs! Yes to all of this. I love my husband and our family immensly but I have also always had crushes on women but nothing ever came of them.

right after we had a kid i was so busy with all of that that i forgot about crushes, bisexuality, etc. There was just no time to think of it. But as my kid has gotten older I crushed again a few times. While still being in love with my husband. So yes it's possible.

i also have recently found a girl who I am heads over hills in love with, but unfortunately many continents away. But she makes me so happy. 

So yes it's possible to want both. And it's also possible to have both! ;)

Our kids are getting older too. We just had one graduate from High School. - I have had these types of feeling for years. It's ongoing. I have only been with a woman twice. And both experiences were with another couple when I was married to my ex husband. - So unfortunately I've never been alone with a woman. I have kissed a few on my own, and flirted but that's it. -

-Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like for me to just be with a woman without anyone else in the room.  Just the two of us.

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16 minutes ago, CuriouslyMarriedWoman said:

Know how you feel.  Some days I think, oh well, never going to happen, get over it.  Other days, I've thought about it all day long.  Doesn't seem to be an answer.  Don't want to destroy my marriage, but deeply curious.

Right there with you. That's why I have enjoyed going to exotic dance clubs because I feel that it's the best way I can "indulge" without feeling guilty..  - make sense? 

Edited by Ev33
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@Ev33 what you've just described is exactly how I feel, so you're not alone. My thoughts are so similar that I could have written that myself. I have a difficult time explaining that to people because I have a difficult time believing it myself. It doesn't always make sense to me. I know it's possible to want both, whether or not you can HAVE both remains unknown to me. 

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@Cute&Curious Thank you. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I always feel so awkward explaining it.. It's such a fluid set of emotions and sexual appeal with both sexes, that it's not about preference to one or the other at different times of my life. It's ongoing. 

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31 minutes ago, Ev33 said:

Our kids are getting older too. We just had one graduate from High School. - I have had these types of feeling for years. It's ongoing. I have only been with a woman twice. And both experiences were with another couple when I was married to my ex husband. - So unfortunately I've never been alone with a woman. I have kissed a few on my own, and flirted but that's it. -

-Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like for me to just be with a woman without anyone else in the room.  Just the two of us.

My kid is not nearly as old as yours. So all of this is much newer to me. Not the bisexuality, I knew about that before I met my husband. But the ability to be in love with more than one person at a time. I thought the  crushes on girls wouldn't happen once I was married. Once they did I had to wrap my head around that. And now I accept it for what it is. And acknowledge it is possible. And even love that it is possible.

But I think my crushes are of a romantic nature. I mean yes, I want to get physical with them. But I first have to fall in love with them madly for me to start obsessing over sex.

i've only ever kissed and made out and gotten semi naked with one woman. And thats the current girlfriend. It was amazing!

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@Ona May I ask - does your husband know about your gf? - if so how did you have that conversation? May I ask how you met your gf and how she feels about your situation? - just curious- I feel it gives me a better understanding in my own situation. 

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9 minutes ago, Shy girl11 said:

What do I do with all this mixed up sexual energy. 

@Shy girl11 I wish I had a good answer for that. Sometimes I feel like I have a good grasp on my feelings; other times, I question everything.. 

Part of my hesitatation is the feeling of guilt. I don't want to feel like I'm betraying my marriage or husband and I am nervous about asking his opinion on how he would feel if I met a woman and had a "gf"  

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26 minutes ago, Shy girl11 said:

What do I do with all this mixed up sexual energy. 

Those that cannot (by choice) indulge in sexual acts use this energy and channel it in creative ways.  If you google 'channel sexual energy' you will find all kinds of information.  I simply love that feeling of built up sexual energy, it helps keep me on the naughty side and I find I get quite a bit done (work wise)... I use it to drive my own sexuality.

According to Mindvalley the second chakra (Svadisthana), otherwise known as the sex-sacred-sacral-chakra, is where we awaken our kundalini energy. Located in our hips, sacrum and genitals, it is where we experience the joys of intimacy, creativity, pleasure, our desires and sexuality. It is also associated with water – tears, orgasm, menstruation and urination, therefore represents change and movement in our bodies that are essential for life.

As it’s an even-numbered chakra – it’s feminine in nature, meaning it opens us up to feelings of love, relaxation, emotions, intuition and compassion. Whereas the odd-numbered masculine chakras open us to productivity and action.

I have learned to love this feeling... in the past it used to frustrate me, now I tap into it which helps bring me swagger...

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23 minutes ago, Ev33 said:

@Ona May I ask - does your husband know about your gf? - if so how did you have that conversation? May I ask how you met your gf and how she feels about your situation? - just curious- I feel it gives me a better understanding in my own situation. 

He does know. I told him I was bisexual on our second date. So he's known that part for a while. 

You can read the whole saga with my recent crush which prompted me to find this website if you search for a thread called friend crush.

but that ended in tears and I told him about my feelings for her. And he already knew. And we have had a couple of very deep and great conversations about sexuality and our relationship and so on. After me reassuring him that I love him and that our family always comes first he was very cool about it. He opened up about people he thought were hot. I think I startrd another thread called my husband is amazing or something like that where I wrote about that.

i actually met my girlfriend right here on shy's. I didn't come looking for that. She was at first just a friend I could talk about all of This openly but with time we grew a lot closer and then had an opportunity to meet in person a few times which was magical.

 

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1 hour ago, Ev33 said:

So can you have both? Can you be happy in your marriage and still be attracted to women? Is this what being truly bisexual really feels like?  A tug of war where you find yourself one day looking at a man and thinking "wow.. he is hot." And then another looking at a woman and think "she is so beautiful or sexy." - although 90% of the time I end of having more sexual fantasies when I see a woman than a man. - Perhaps it's because I haven't been sexually with a woman in so long.. 

 

- sometimes I just feel a bit lost. 

Yes you can have both.

Can you be happy in your marriage and still be attracted to women?  Yes

Can you be happy in your marriage and be physically intimate with women?  It will depend upon the arrangement between partners.  Meaning, all must be on the same page.

Fantasies are dreams, nothing wrong with them.  Bringing fantasy into reality is where you will find not is all as it seems.

Are you able to discuss your desires with your partner?

Edited by HeartChakra
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27 minutes ago, Ona said:

He does know. I told him I was bisexual on our second date. So he's known that part for a while. 

You can read the whole saga with my recent crush which prompted me to find this website if you search for a thread called friend crush.

but that ended in tears and I told him about my feelings for her. And he already knew. And we have had a couple of very deep and great conversations about sexuality and our relationship and so on. After me reassuring him that I love him and that our family always comes first he was very cool about it. He opened up about people he thought were hot. I think I startrd another thread called my husband is amazing or something like that where I wrote about that.

i actually met my girlfriend right here on shy's. I didn't come looking for that. She was at first just a friend I could talk about all of This openly but with time we grew a lot closer and then had an opportunity to meet in person a few times which was magical.

 

@Ona  Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I will look through and find the posts you have written and hopefully I can gain a bit more insight.  

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@HeartChakra 

Thank you for your reply. My husband knows I find women attractive as well as men. I shared that with him a few years ago. He said he understands, but I am still having a difficult time opening up some of my deeper desires. - I feel that if i say, "I have been really thinking about meeting a woman, and gaining a friendships which may turn into more, but this isn't about our relationship or how I feel about you. Our relationship and family comes first. Oh and I may not want to share this experience with you.. it's only for me."  - or something more eloquent. 

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I'm sure when the time comes and you are feeling connected, you will find the right words to say.  I understand the anxiety that may be attached to letting these words, thoughts and feelings out (I've been there). 

Sending good thoughts your way x

 

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You can have both worlds if that's what your mind, heart and soul are telling you. It may be incomprehensible to straight women or even the lesbians but not to us, bisexuals (single or married). My first relationship with a woman was when I was in my 20s. It was more of finding out and discovering about myself and what I could do. I accepted this side of myself then. However, I had more tendency to like men so our relationship did not last, or maybe because I wasn't in loved with her, or maybe I was still immature and scared. I dated only men afterwards and found a husband.

Past forward, ten years after, I came to realise that I was a attracted with my new friend. It never occurred to me that one day I would be attracted to a woman again. This time, it hit me hard because I wasn't aware that it's coming. There was a confusion and a lot of inner self-examinations. She's the trigger. Nowadays, I am more tuned in to my sexuality. At present, I have a crush! 

I am happily married like you. The romance and sex is great between me and my husband. We have growing kids and life is good to us. More often than not my sexuality is quiet. Lately, it's tapping on my shoulder again and telling me like, "hey, I'm here, it's me." I always acknowledge it whenever it's possible because it's part of me.  It's a beautiful part of me. 

Take it easy. Once you find the girl you click with, you will find your way on how to talk to you husband. I only hope that he is accepting and self-secured. All the best. 

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Being married does not make you blind to the world.  You still notice people, and you still have needs that a man simply cannot meet because he is not a woman.  It has nothing to do with how happy you are with him.  I think it's natural as a bisexual person to desire the gender opposite your partner.  Not everyone wants to pursue that, but many do, and that's okay.  You just need to determine if it works for your marriage.

I think there's also the element of the unknown, of not having experienced sex with just you and another woman, which IS a different experience than a threesome.  Perhaps had you had that experience before, you might not crave this so much, or maybe you would.  It's hard to know.  But I think that does play a role.

So many bisexual women end up married to men, I think partly out of a desire to procreate (on a more subconscious level) and fit into societal pressure, and then as we get older, we realize how strong the desire is to be with a woman and experience that which we have not.  We start realizing that we need to tend to our own desires and live our own experiences while we can.

It sounds like your husband is open-minded.  You never know what he will or won't be okay with, but you won't know until you ask for what you want.

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@blueberry Thank you very much for your reply. I really enjoyed your example of the feeling of your bisexuality tapping on your shoulder when you least expected saying "hey, I'm here it's me." - it's so spot on! 

Sounds like you have a great relationship with your husband. I really do too. I love him very much and I am still very much in love with him as well. 

We have great intimacy and sex. We are quite busy - and I even wonder if I would even have the time for a GF.  -- lol

 

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3 hours ago, Ev33 said:

@blueberry Thank you very much for your reply. I really enjoyed your example of the feeling of your bisexuality tapping on your shoulder when you least expected saying "hey, I'm here it's me." - it's so spot on! 

Sounds like you have a great relationship with your husband. I really do too. I love him very much and I am still very much in love with him as well. 

We have great intimacy and sex. We are quite busy - and I even wonder if I would even have the time for a GF.  -- lol

 

This is the dilemma I had. Finding time for hubby, home, two children, one of which was special needs, and girlfriend. It is hard work and then dealing with hubbys simmering homophobia when I got in from spending time with gf. Being bi and acting on it is certainly hard work when married. Would I do it all again? Yes, it's an experience I would have certainly regretted not having even though it ended in tears. This is not me advising you ladies to go ahead, this is just me giving the benefit of my experience. 

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8 hours ago, myladylove said:

Being bi and acting on it is certainly hard work when married. Would I do it all again? Yes, it's an experience I would have certainly regretted not having even though it ended in tears. This is not me advising you ladies to go ahead, this is just me giving the benefit of my experience. 

This is very honest and yet reassuring. When our ideal world crumbles and the situation brings us back to the real world, this may leave us feeling broken. Broken hearts. Broken relationship goals. Broken hopes. Even if, our spirit (my understanding: our inner energy that flows through us) helps us heal in time. So, we fall for someone again. We love again. 

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1 hour ago, blueberry said:

This is very honest and yet reassuring. When our ideal world crumbles and the situation brings us back to the real world, this may leave us feeling broken. Broken hearts. Broken relationship goals. Broken hopes. Even if, our spirit (my understanding: our inner energy that flows through us) helps us heal in time. So, we fall for someone again. We love again. 

Nice words. I never found gay love again and even now free to choose I think on some level I am not letting it in. I feel I would like a strong support network before taking the risk again sadly this is proving hard to find. I am also dealing with age and health problems now both of which are a bit of a downer, but who knows with friendship and healing maybe one day. It would be nice. 

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On June 15, 2017 at 1:23 PM, Shy girl11 said:

What do I do with all this mixed up sexual energy. 

This is my field of expertise. 

Firstly, try to enjoy feeling sexy and sexual and having a fun little secret. 

Secondly, stay busy doing things you love with people you love. Plan events to look forward to. 

Thirdly, you didn't ask for this or do something wrong. Don't let it start to eat at your happiness or your self esteem. Get support from people who understand wherever you can. 

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On June 15, 2017 at 2:26 PM, Ev33 said:

@HeartChakra 

Thank you for your reply. My husband knows I find women attractive as well as men. I shared that with him a few years ago. He said he understands, but I am still having a difficult time opening up some of my deeper desires. - I feel that if i say, "I have been really thinking about meeting a woman, and gaining a friendships which may turn into more, but this isn't about our relationship or how I feel about you. Our relationship and family comes first. Oh and I may not want to share this experience with you.. it's only for me."  - or something more eloquent. 

Given the level of distress you are feeling about this, I think if you really felt like it was a good idea to ask your husband about you having a gf, you would've done it years ago. 

 

Know that it is an option to never tell him. Yes, this isn't the "correct" way to proceed, but many of us feel it's the kindest for all involved. 

 

At at least find ways to "test the waters" about his real attitudes to nonmanogamy, homosexuality and bisexuality. 

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