Questioningmylife

Proceeding with Hubby's support is not an option

13 posts in this topic

I've been on here awhile now reading the forums and all the suggestions about open communication. However, this is NOT an option for me. I had hinted to my husband in the past and he blew it off or joked about threesomes. This time I explicitly told him I wanted to explore with another woman and he responded with a few lovely derogatory terms. 

The desires and the fantasies about other women are only increasing, and I am afraid trying to ignore it will not be an option much longer.

I recently joined a group for polyamorous/bi women that is an hour away, but I am not sure where to go from here. Going to the women's support group means convincing him to watch the kids, and anything more local means posting a picture of my face online that could be seen by non-members (him).

Any one have suggestions on balancing needs vs reality when they are complete opposites?

Edited by Questioningmylife
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My husband is not open either. He too has said some very cheap things about bi or lesbian women. So I cant really talk about it to him. In your case and mine we both got to be discreet. Hence I m very careful in looking for someone to explore. My advice is maybe you can take up an extra hobby like go to the gyn or some sort of other activity, so you ll have an excuse to go out. And then you can kind of explore and see who is out there in same situation as you. If not even if you look online before exchanging personal details or pictures get to know her well so you ll have that assurance of her respecting your discretion.

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On July 11, 2017 at 1:08 PM, Ashwini said:

My husband is not open either. He too has said some very cheap things about bi or lesbian women. So I cant really talk about it to him. In your case and mine we both got to be discreet. Hence I m very careful in looking for someone to explore. My advice is maybe you can take up an extra hobby like go to the gyn or some sort of other activity, so you ll have an excuse to go out. And then you can kind of explore and see who is out there in same situation as you. If not even if you look online before exchanging personal details or pictures get to know her well so you ll have that assurance of her respecting your discretion.

Thanks for the ideas! 

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9 hours ago, Questioningmylife said:

Thanks for the ideas! 

Your welcome:).keep us updated with any changes;) 

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This is a tough one.  My hubby is sorta ok but I'm not willing to be proactive about dating or seeking a special friend.   I jumped into something local and it did not end well.  But I also learned, despite hubby support....I found it very difficult to be honest and share with him.   I held a lot in and will continue to.   The best way to find someone is to nurture a connection.   Whether near or far.   Are there activities, girls nights, places to go where like minded people can interact?  However you guys proceed - enjoy the journey... sometimes it's not always about the destination.

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1 hour ago, TBD78 said:

  I jumped into something local and it did not end well.

What happened?  

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21 minutes ago, Grace82 said:

What happened?  

Her husband found out and was not ok,  my private matters were sacrificed.  I am just thankful it didn't turn into a bigger scandal.  Our kids r bff and young..,we r entwined in community - could have been even more deveststing than it was..

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3 hours ago, TBD78 said:

 

Her husband found out and was not ok,  my private matters were sacrificed.  I am just thankful it didn't turn into a bigger scandal.  Our kids r bff and young..,we r entwined in community - could have been even more deveststing than it was..

That is indeed scary. It could be a big mess if you run into an angry husband. 

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Maybe you entertain the conversation of a threesome.  Watch some girl/girl porn so he can see how much it turns you on and take the conversation from there.  After a couple of times he might be willing to let you explore on your own.  That is kind of how the initial conversation started with my husband years ago so when I was actually approached by another woman he wasn't freaked out by it and was okay when I called her.  He had lots of questions and I gave him enough details to satisfy his curiosity.   We have never had a threesome although he would like to...I prefer to keep it one on one.

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9 hours ago, Leigh1968 said:

Maybe you entertain the conversation of a threesome.  Watch some girl/girl porn so he can see how much it turns you on and take the conversation from there.  After a couple of times he might be willing to let you explore on your own.  That is kind of how the initial conversation started with my husband years ago so when I was actually approached by another woman he wasn't freaked out by it and was okay when I called her.  He had lots of questions and I gave him enough details to satisfy his curiosity.   We have never had a threesome although he would like to...I prefer to keep it one on one.

I've actually tried this. He may joke about threesomes, but is not at all interested in one. 

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14 hours ago, TBD78 said:

This is a tough one.  My hubby is sorta ok but I'm not willing to be proactive about dating or seeking a special friend.   I jumped into something local and it did not end well.  But I also learned, despite hubby support....I found it very difficult to be honest and share with him.   I held a lot in and will continue to.   The best way to find someone is to nurture a connection.   Whether near or far.   Are there activities, girls nights, places to go where like minded people can interact?  However you guys proceed - enjoy the journey... sometimes it's not always about the destination.

This is actually why I joined the women's group. My town is very conservative, and I do not have any local friends I can talk to about these things. (I've met them all thru my spouse and kids). I'm not sure what I ultimately want, right now I just want to make friends I can be open with. 

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On 7/15/2017 at 0:56 AM, Questioningmylife said:

This is actually why I joined the women's group. My town is very conservative, and I do not have any local friends I can talk to about these things. (I've met them all thru my spouse and kids). I'm not sure what I ultimately want, right now I just want to make friends I can be open with. 

Hey lady :) I have been in your shoes before. You can't share that side of yourself with anyone. And it sucks to have to restrain your thoughts and feelings from even your husband. You want to be faithful to him, but it feels impossible.

I will say that getting involved locally may seem like a good idea but can have devestating outcomes if someone you know discovers your sexuality. (Been there before too)

I suggest meeting women here on shys where its safe. Attending meet ups when you can. Groups of ladies you can be comfortable with. Those relationships can lead to romantic involvements with someone you hit it off with or possibly one of their friends. When you are ready, and/or when he is. Everyone always knows someone that knows someone. And you can do it without doing it under everyone's nose in your hometown.

It may seem unrealistic but think about it. You can do it.

Edited by cre8yourf8
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@cre8yourf8 Thanks for your advice! Unfortunately, my life got in the way of me being on Shys for a bit, but you’re right the women on here are wonderfully supportive and helpful. 

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