xxshy-bixx

Abuse, physical & emotional

62 posts in this topic

16 hours ago, Ty2254 said:

I debated if I wanted to let her back in. She hurt me a lot the past few years. Wasn't there for me when my Dad died even though I reached out to her. Stopped all contact with me two separate times. No reason no nothing, just stopped. So it was hard. Deep down I know I was never the issue it was him. But that doesn't stop my pain. I know she has been through a lot too. Just messed up. 

The only reason she hasn't stopped all contact and blocked him is bc he still owes her money and bc they lived with each other for so long they have household bills/ etc to work out. So when something happens for example. Her daughter's diabetes supplies did not show up and she couldn't figure out why. Come to find out he had stopped the mail! That's life or death for her so she had to. Luckily she was able to borrow some from a diabetes support group but what an ass! Hoping soon he move 10 hours away as there isn't anything here for him, all his family is away and he hates his job and his daughter is 10 hours away as well. So hoping by Christmas he is gone! 

My ex sent back medications I get from the VA.  They are conniving!  Honestly, she will never see that money, and he will use it as an excuse to stay in her life if she doesn't draw the line.  She needs to separate their bills NOW (and he WILL protest, believe me), and just move forward.  I'm still dealing with that aspect of my divorce, and it's been over 2.5 years.

I understand it's hard when she's hurt you so many times because of him.  Have you and she discussed that?  It sounds like your relationship has some healing ahead.

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On 8/2/2017 at 11:43 PM, xxshy-bixx said:

thank you ladies for the responses, they have helped me a lot.

Hey, Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing.  I hope you are safe and well. 

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1 hour ago, JadeBleu15 said:

Hey, Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing.  I hope you are safe and well. 

Hello, thank you for checking in....im doing ok, things are actually a little  better now, we're planning our trip soon. 

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On 8/20/2017 at 1:11 PM, lsroses said:

@xxshy-bixx I'm interested to know how you're doing now?

I've seen my sister go through this and it's heartbreaking. Her husband is emotionally abusive and it took him years, but eventually he managed to ensure that she's has ended up being completely isolated. She has no independence, no friends,and has pushed away every single family member. And, sadly, there's not a damn thing we can do about it because he hasn't physically hurt her, yet.

No matter what we all say to you it's something you're living and have to go through. We can only tell you what we've seen and experienced and no one should be spoken to that way. What might seem minor at first is just the start of control and breaking someone down.

I really hope you've been able to get through this and have support.

 

I'm doing a little better now.. We're planning our trip now. I just hope things get better after this trip. 

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20 minutes ago, xxshy-bixx said:

Hello, thank you for checking in....im doing ok, things are actually a little  better now, we're planning our trip soon. 

Stay safe Girl. 

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11 hours ago, xxshy-bixx said:

I'm doing a little better now.. We're planning our trip now. I just hope things get better after this trip. 

I really hope things do improve. Please check back in with us and let us know how it goes.

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I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But I agree with bitrimama that just because she is a cop doesn’t mean she’s in charge of you or necessarily a good person. There have been far too many stories about cops getting exposed for doing things like this. I wish that being a cop meant the person was a good human being but unfortunately that’s not always the case. People like this are very good at hiding their true personality and motivation until you feel trapped. I hope you’ve since escaped from this traumatic situation and things are going better for you now. 

Honestly, it doesn’t matter how much you love someone, if they are making you unhappy then it’s ok to leave because that’s your choice, not theirs.

Stay strong! 

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@xxshy-bixx you doing ok? How was the trip?

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On 11/5/2017 at 7:15 PM, ChemFem said:

@xxshy-bixx you doing ok? How was the trip?

I'm doing ok, things haven't honestly been better she hasn't been abusing we've just been arguing more over stupid things, I feel like she likes it,  I've already tried breaking up a few times but I keep giving her a chance hoping things will get better but haven't. 

We still haven't went on our trip, she need to get her passport still, and she feels like i don't want to go on the trip because I never bring it up or talk a out it. 

And she constantly asked me if im cheating or want someone else, I hate that she doesn't seem to trust me . 

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24 minutes ago, xxshy-bixx said:

I'm doing ok, things haven't honestly been better she hasn't been abusing we've just been arguing more over stupid things, I feel like she likes it,  I've already tried breaking up a few times but I keep giving her a chance hoping things will get better but haven't. 

We still haven't went on our trip, she need to get her passport still, and she feels like i don't want to go on the trip because I never bring it up or talk a out it. 

And she constantly asked me if im cheating or want someone else, I hate that she doesn't seem to trust me . 

What you described in that last paragraph is classic controlling behavior. Things will not get better. Giving her more chances will not make things better, it will only prolong the stress of this relationship. Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if she is deliberately putting off getting her passport just to have an excuse to create drama with you.

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I agree with the others. Get out of this relationship!  This person sounds like a narcissist.  Does she do things that make you upset and then make you feel like you're making a big deal out of nothing?

People like this are all about control. Don't fall for it. Save your sanity. 

Edited by Curious Jane
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2 hours ago, Curious Jane said:

I agree with the others. Get out of this relationship!  This person sounds like a narcissist.  Does she do things that make you upset and then make you feel like you're making a big deal out of nothing?

People like this are all about control. Don't fall for it. Save your sanity. 

Wow, that's exactly what she does. I've tried to break up with her three times and each time she blames me for her behavior, she blames everything on me. Each time I say why I want to break up then she says that's not a good enough reason. So each time I try to be better, but it's like no matter what I do it's not good enough. Then I end up blami my myself, like I think it's me that's doing something wrong. 

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And thank you ladies for asking about me. I literally have only one friend who I text about this relationship.  It's always good to get feedback from other people. 

I just love this person,  I just hate that the beginning was great, and now it's seems like we argue over little things. It's been 8months since we've been together and it hasn't been the greatest. I'm going to see her this weekend, and if things don't go well, I'm going to break up with her this last time. I will not give her another chance.  

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Just now, xxshy-bixx said:

Wow, that's exactly what she does. I've tried to break up with her three times and each time she blames me for her behavior, she blames everything on me. Each time I say why I want to break up then she says that's not a good enough reason. So each time I try to be better, but it's like no matter what I do it's not good enough. Then I end up blami my myself, like I think it's me that's doing something wrong. 

People like this love to project their faults and shortcoming onto those they are trying to control.  

It sounds like she is trying to make you feel foolish.  I imagine her saying, "Omg, people don't break up for those reasons." Then she makes you feel guilty for hurting HER feelings for even considering breaking up for such a "trivial reason". 

You may think you're staying because you love her, but you're staying because you're being manipulated. You know you need to get away, but she uses your insecurity and indecisiveness against you.  

Please listen to what everyone is saying. Get away from her. Your mental health is at stake. 

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1 minute ago, Curious Jane said:

People like this love to project their faults and shortcoming onto those they are trying to control.  

It sounds like she is trying to make you feel foolish.  I imagine her saying, "Omg, people don't break up for those reasons." Then she makes you feel guilty for hurting HER feelings for even considering breaking up for such a "trivial reason". 

You may think you're staying because you love her, but you're staying because you're being manipulated. You know you need to get away, but she uses your insecurity and indecisiveness against you.  

Please listen to what everyone is saying. Get away from her. Your mental health is at stake. 

She's the type of person who thinks she doesn't have any faults. I'm just afraid she will not let me break up with her, if I try again.  

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This woman is crazy! If someone told me they wanted to break up with me I wouldn't make them stay knowing how they feel!! It sounds like this is a game to see how much she can control your thinking. If she says it's your fault for the way she acts then you could argue that, in fact, you're not right for her and she shouldn't be with you. We should be with people that bring out the best in us, not the worst. 

Without focusing on the abusive side, how does she make you feel? Because in any relationship, if that person isn't making you happy then you should be able to walk away and say you're done, and you CAN do that! I'm sure you do love her but that doesn't mean you're right for each other.

You've got one life. Don't waste it on sharing it with someone that makes you miserable and holds you back. You deserve so much better than this.

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On 20/8/2017 at 8:11 PM, lsroses said:

@xxshy-bixx I'm interested to know how you're doing now?

I've seen my sister go through this and it's heartbreaking. Her husband is emotionally abusive and it took him years, but eventually he managed to ensure that she's has ended up being completely isolated. She has no independence, no friends,and has pushed away every single family member. And, sadly, there's not a damn thing we can do about it because he hasn't physically hurt her, yet.

No matter what we all say to you it's something you're living and have to go through. We can only tell you what we've seen and experienced and no one should be spoken to that way. What might seem minor at first is just the start of control and breaking someone down.

I really hope you've been able to get through this and have support.

 

My sister was with a man like this. For ten years he tried his best to isolate her especially from me! He made her feel worthless so he was sure she felt so low about herself that she wouldn't even think she could do better. I was witness many times in his verbal abuse. He tried to get me isolated too from my family by accusing me and saying things about me. 

This make them feel powerful, that they worth something because in all their lowles lives they were nothing.They know how to hide very well at the beginning but at some point their real self come to surface. 

And as you said she needs support. I really hope too she found it. 

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7 hours ago, xxshy-bixx said:

And thank you ladies for asking about me. I literally have only one friend who I text about this relationship.  It's always good to get feedback from other people. 

I just love this person,  I just hate that the beginning was great, and now it's seems like we argue over little things. It's been 8months since we've been together and it hasn't been the greatest. I'm going to see her this weekend, and if things don't go well, I'm going to break up with her this last time. I will not give her another chance.  

I will be cruel and tell you that people like this don't change. They play and bet in the feelings you have for them. 

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8 hours ago, xxshy-bixx said:

Wow, that's exactly what she does. I've tried to break up with her three times and each time she blames me for her behavior, she blames everything on me. Each time I say why I want to break up then she says that's not a good enough reason. So each time I try to be better, but it's like no matter what I do it's not good enough. Then I end up blami my myself, like I think it's me that's doing something wrong. 

You sound like my sister. Do you have family near you? Parents or siblings? 

I made the mistake with her and didn't speak for ten years. A total stranger had to come and wake her up. Make her see her worth. Something I failed to do. But I sure as hell supported her after, she stayed with me and I forbid any contact when all our relatives even my parents were against her. 

It's not about you being better, you are your wonderful self. It's about her, her insecurities and how she is forcing you to be someone else. You can't brake someone and "build" them into your fantasy puppet. 

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3 hours ago, kairi said:

You can't brake someone and "build" them into your fantasy puppet. 

Great way to put it. One of the many things that contributed to my wake up call when I was in a controlling relationship was reading a newspaper article about a man in the 17th century who raised a girl to be the perfect wife for him. I realized that my boyfriend at the time was trying to do a similar thing, groom me into the image of who he thought I should be rather than who I actually was.

@xxshy-bixx I don't know much about you but just by knowing that you're human I can say you are a miracle, a being of marvelous complexity. Your flaws do not invalidate your worth. They provide opportunities for growth in all sorts of directions. Anyone who berates you for not being perfect fails to see the potential in your imperfections and it is their loss.

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4 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

Great way to put it. One of the many things that contributed to my wake up call when I was in a controlling relationship was reading a newspaper article about a man in the 17th century who raised a girl to be the perfect wife for him. I realized that my boyfriend at the time was trying to do a similar thing, groom me into the image of who he thought I should be rather than who I actually was.

@xxshy-bixx I don't know much about you but just by knowing that you're human I can say you are a miracle, a being of marvelous complexity. Your flaws do not invalidate your worth. They provide opportunities for growth in all sorts of directions. Anyone who berates you for not being perfect fails to see the potential in your imperfections and it is their loss.

words fail me sometimes,especially in English so i try to find examples.You wrote very well what i couldn't write.I think very fast and fail to translate my thoughts :P

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Also you are right.We are a miracle!!Sometimes i wish i could somehow show how i view and experience that miracle and our complexity.This unique energy we all are

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On ‎11‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 9:08 AM, lsroses said:

This woman is crazy! If someone told me they wanted to break up with me I wouldn't make them stay knowing how they feel!! It sounds like this is a game to see how much she can control your thinking. If she says it's your fault for the way she acts then you could argue that, in fact, you're not right for her and she shouldn't be with you. We should be with people that bring out the best in us, not the worst. 

Without focusing on the abusive side, how does she make you feel? Because in any relationship, if that person isn't making you happy then you should be able to walk away and say you're done, and you CAN do that! I'm sure you do love her but that doesn't mean you're right for each other.

You've got one life. Don't waste it on sharing it with someone that makes you miserable and holds you back. You deserve so much better than this.

she makes me feel good, happy. but things shes says to me make me upset, she constantly asked me if I'm happy or do I want someone else. But other than that I'm happy with her, my kids like her. like if she didn't always ask me if I want her or if I'm talking to someone else, I would be much happier. I just don't know what to do sometimes. 

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On ‎11‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 9:54 AM, kairi said:

You sound like my sister. Do you have family near you? Parents or siblings? 

I made the mistake with her and didn't speak for ten years. A total stranger had to come and wake her up. Make her see her worth. Something I failed to do. But I sure as hell supported her after, she stayed with me and I forbid any contact when all our relatives even my parents were against her. 

It's not about you being better, you are your wonderful self. It's about her, her insecurities and how she is forcing you to be someone else. You can't brake someone and "build" them into your fantasy puppet. 

yes I do. but I don't talk to them about her. I don't think I can, I'm too afraid. 

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1 hour ago, xxshy-bixx said:

yes I do. but I don't talk to them about her. I don't think I can, I'm too afraid. 

I say this as someone who experienced the dark side of a woman. You're not really happy. In my case I knew I wasn't happy, but I understood their demons at first I even felt empathy for them and wanted to be supportive and course in the early days things were good, but that wore off and then it was a slow burn, that somehow turned into a landslide without me noticing and then it escalated to a ticking time bomb.

She may never physically hurt you but anyone who puts you down, treats you badly and tries to change you, they don't love you. Hell they might not even know how to love because their own experiences, struggles and self-worth is so low how could they possibly give you the best of themselves to someone else when all their energy is spent fighting life in a way that most people can't understand?

You don't need to talk to your family about her specifically, you just need to ask them or tell them you cannot live there and need to be somewhere else, basically it's an opinion should you want or need to take it. If they do ask why, then find something to tell them, a nugget, half a story, the whole thing it's up to you. Lie if it makes it easier. The main thing is this isn't your fault on any level. The fact they're in law enforcement makes no difference, that in itself should be a red flag, they work in a sector where they get to control or enforce at least some things - it's telling when someone is hardwired like this. 

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