KMA

Exploring Felt So Wrong

9 posts in this topic

Recently, I came out as bisxual. I told my friend and she was so great about it. But i confessed i had no idea what I was doing or what I want. Being a lesbian herself, she said I should explore to figure things out. That is what helped her. A couple weeks later, I ended up messaging someone from school who was a few years ahead of me but we had mutual friends. It was nice and innocent enough, so we decided to meet up one night to talk after he got off work (it was the best time we could find). Very early into our conversation he asked me if I had lost my virginity and I answered honestly with a "no"; it has always been something I felt proud of being able to say. I felt a little weird about it him asking me so early but I ignored the feeling in my gut. When we met up, we talked for a while and walked around. It was a simple walk in the park at night, looking at the stars and learning about each other. Then, he pushed things further. I told him before that I wasn't that kind of girl but we were in the moment and I've never been in that kind of situation before. We didn't have sex but we did take it pretty far for our first time meeting.

After that night, I realised a few things. I know in my gut that he would have pushed me further if I didn't keep stopping him and telling him to wait. Now even his name, the taste of the gum I was chewing that night, the memories of a lot of "firsts" make me feel sick to my stomach and feel a lot of regret. He told me he has slept with a lot of girls before and that he even had a list! I ignored all of these red flags and stayed when I now know that I should have left him right then. It was somethhing new and i wanted to figire out what i wanted. This was the to do it right!? Now I know I was wrong. He knew i was new to everything and nervous and he fed off that. He enjoyed the taking so many of my first-time experiences that I was not sure I was ready to have yet. I feel as if I were his prey. I feel like he used me for another name to add to his list and I don't know how to handle these thoughts. It's been about a month and it still gives me chills (not the good kind, the creepy kind). I've only talked to a couple of people about this and they all said "just block him" or "just find someone else in order to forget him" but I don't want to put myself in that kind of situation again. It has made me seriously think about who I am as a person and what it would mean if I were to use someone else to forget. I would be using someone as I feel I have been used. I don't want that; that's not who I am. I won't talk to him again and I ended things. But I still can't shake what has scarred my memory. He has become the memory that haunts my mind as if to remind myself of just how naive I was and capable of being made felt like a piece of shit that can pressured into things. I don't know what to do. 

Edited by KMA
1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@KMA  First of all ( hugging you). That creep made it feel wrong. I believe, as you do, he wanted to add your name to his list.  So where do you go from here? I think you take your time, there is no rush to do anything you dont feel comfortable with.  Do you my friend, when the time is right someone will show up, a good somebody.  Btw your AWESOME thanks for sharing your story. 

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@KMA I can sense the anxiety you feeling around all this, and I want to offer you a different lens to look at this through (without invalidating any of the things you are feeling):

1) Although you upset that it went too far on other other "firsts" - have you stopped to think and feel proud of what you DIDN'T do? You still kept your virginity because you weren't ready to give it up and you didn't succumb to the pressure...

2) Not the way you wanted to experience some of your "firsts" but often "firsts" don't go the way we had planned in our minds-including with virginity-and once the big V is gone, you can't take that back...now at least you know within yourself how crucial it will be to make sure when you lose your virginity that there is no compromise on that...so the feelings you having now can be seen as a lesson you got to learn from to avoid a mistake of compromise in future.

3) I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. Your gut was talking to you but with the mix of naievety you weren't sure. Next time, if you ever in a situation like this, you will listen to your gut-and that could save you from a creep who could have raped you...it's like disease-you can't build antibodies without going through it...think about it that you now have some antibodies for creeps..

And lastly, have you stopped to give yourself a pat on the back and be PROUD of yourself? You had to say "no" so many times! And you still did! And you protected yourself from all that! You are one strong woman!

Try change the lens you looking through because this is cutting you up...there is a reason for everything and this was neccessary for you to learn for some reason you don't know and may never know because maybe, just maybe - this right here taught you somethinv to change the course of your life against something in the future...

Sending you big hugs and hope you can work through all of this soon...

5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you. :) I had not really thought of it that way. I will try to see it through your lens as you put it. Maybe then I can stop regretting so much and be proud of what I didn't do like you said. I am so happy that I kept my virginity. That's been on my mind a lot since then and has been one of the things that comforts me. I will definitely use this to learn from and know what to avoid in the future. 

I do know one thing for sure. I am in no rush at all to try any more exploring. I had everything planned out in my head and I will keep that plan for myself. In the beginning, I had feelings for a friend, and still do, (that same friends mentioned earlier) and wanting to go through everything with her. She is someone who I know is kind and fair, and most importantly, she has been there for me 100% since I came out to her and I trust her whole heartedly. I'll look through these new lenses and focus on this thought; everything bad about that situation would never go wrong with her. She would never do those things to me. 

Thanks again. :) 

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@KMA you very welcome! 

Keep us updated on your "mental healing" process...you're still very young (lol just checked your profile for your age) - you still need to learn to be kind to yourself and forgiving of yourself-and now's a good time to start practicing that!

Wish you lots of strength and luck and glad for you that you have this gem of a friend to count on!

 

rps20170812_215924.jpg

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I knew a total creep in high school that pressured or tricked me into things, and I can tell you that you are not alone in being targeted for your innocence!! I look back now and realize I should have reported that guy but I didn't. I let him get away with a lot because I thought that's just how guys are. But that is NO excuse! Forgive yourself, you are not a bad person. He is for preying on you like that. 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey ladies! A little update since all this happened. I still feel disgusted by this and it occasionally pops into my head, but I am doing so much better with it now. He tried to contact me the other day and I immediately deleted the message and blocked him. I have stopped giving myself such a hard time about my decisions that night and have accepted that it will always be a big mistake of mine, but it is not one that I will let have a hold on my life. I decided to take that memory and use it as a reminder to not be pressured into anything I am not sure I want and it has helped me realize more of what I do want. Thanks for helping me out when I needed someone to hear me. Now, the only direction for me to go is forward. 

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm thinking out loud, having not experienced anything of the sort you have, but: I imagine bad sexual experiences (especially early ones) are so upsetting, particularly because its one of the places where many people feel so vulnerable. 

Do you have any idea of how you want your next time to be? Do you have any idea on how to approach things with this imaginary woman or man to make sure you experience sex without pushing through boundaries you are not ready to? 

Why don't you share some of your ideas here. I'm sure some of the more experienced ladies on here could help you talk through some options before you have to think on your feet in another situation like this. It is always good to have a plan, even if things rarely do turn out exactly as one plans. 

In the mean time, rest assured that you are not wrong to feel violated. Below is a cute and very funny British video that clarifies exactly how consent in a sexual situation should work/ not work. 

I hope you get a good cup of tea next time! :rolleyes: There's nothing quite like a good cup of tea made by the right person at the right time, even if it takes some practice figuring out if you like it with cream or lemon. Or sugar... Or milk... Or black... Or iced. So much tea to be had... But you have the rest of your life! 

 

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@treelover123 First, I absolutely love that you posted this video. I never would have thought of such a way to explain consent to someone. Plus, I was drinking a cup of tea when I saw it lol :)

Second, I actually haven't given too much thought to how I want my next time to be, buti have come up with a few guidelines (idk what else to call them) for myself to follow:  

1. don't put myself in that position if I am not 100% sure I want to

2. make sure it is with someone I trust and feel safe with; the good kind of nervous instead of the creepy kind of nervous

3. be clear and vocal about what I am, or am not, comfortable with doing; don't take shit for standing up for myself. 

They seem a bit ridiculous saying because they are almost like common sense, but when you're not thinking straight, a bit of common sense is exactly what I need.

But like I said before, I am in no rush to try anything any time soon, and I am 100% ok with that. I think if I wait for someone who really cares, they will understand me and be patient. I can wait for that. ♡ 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now