Storm9

What to do when it all goes wrong?

24 posts in this topic

I know I don't post too much, but I spend alot of time reading the forums. I'm just after some advice from anyone regarding the situation I'm currently in. 

In summary, me and a co-worker, may I add a 'straight' co-worker with a boyfriend, ended up kissing around a year ago. This woke up alot of emotions in me that I haven't felt for a long time. The kiss etc was u expected and I didn't feel anything more for her, I wouldn't have even considered her a friend. The kissing happened after I told her I was bisexual, and we were both drunk. I never thought she would mean anything to me, but I did hope it would happen again cause it was hot. She told her bf about it straight away and he wasn't happy. 

Nothing happened for a few months, things felt a little weird for a bit but went back to normal quite quickly. Fast forward to a few months later, we again got drunk and she kissed me. We then fooled around quite a bit.... it felt amazing. She didn't tell her bf this time, but I felt like after the evening she went cold on me. Things were very awkward this time and we decided we have to stop getting drunk round each other. I was a bit more confused this time as I liked her more, and I didn't want it to stop between us. I tried to take a step back from her, and confided in a mutual friend about what had happened. This girl continued to try and get my attention and it was hard to ignore. I told her she needed to stop getting with me when she was drunk and she agreed. Nothing happened for a good 7 months, although during this time we've become close. We would speak every day, and in my opinion we would flirt. We were spending quite a bit of time together both inside and outside work. The more I got to know about her the more I liked her. We have so much fun together, and it always felt like we had this underlying sexual tension. The flirting continued and my feelings towards her grew. Due to a few conversations we had recently I had this feeling we both wanted something more to happen. A group of us went out and got drunk, and we ended up kissing. I told her I thought I liked her more than I should and she should know incase she wants this to stop. She told me it's just drunken excitement for her and she's sorry for leading me on, then proceeded to tell her boyfriend. I felt stupid and hurt, but I was at the point where I had to say something. I decided to take a break from her to try and sort my head out. I tried not speaking to her, not messaging her, but it was like she didn't want me to have space and kept messaging me and inviting me to do things etc. I told her I needed time. After about a week or so I spoke with her, and we both said how much we had missed each other and I instantly felt better, as I had really missed her in my life. I thought things would be okay and we could continue to be friends (although deep down I knew I still had a thing for her). 

Later that night she got drunk and messaged me saying how she couldn't stop thinking about me and how her head was messed up. She then invited me round for sex, and sent me some naked pics. I really really wanted to go round, but I stopped myself. She asked me a number of times but I declined. Instead we started sexting, and it was so hot.

The next day she told me she had used me because she knows I like her. I felt awful. I couldn't believe she would hurt me like that on purpose, especially after what had happened the week before when I told her how I felt. I felt so sick, because I knew deep down she couldn't even value our friendship or my feelings to do that to me. I told her I didn't want anything more to do with her. 

Fast forward 2 weeks. I haven't said a word to her. I have to see her almost everyday and it's so horrible. I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like it must have meant something to her, surely? But the other part of me just feels like she's used me just for me attention. That is a hard thing for me to try and deal with. I've spoken to her boyfriend about it. She hadnt told him the truth about what had happened and had tried to manipulate the situation to make it seem like I've been chasing her and trying to put a wedge between them, which is completely wrong. He's also told me she doesn't seem to understand what the big deal is, and that she's waiting for me to apologise to her (?!). 

I want to sort things out but I don't know how. I don't know if I should try and speak to her, or if it's just going to make me angry. If I speak to her and she just doesn't care, I'll probably feel worse. Ideally I want to be able to see her and feel nothing for her, but I feel like that's a long way off. I wish I hadnt ruined our friendship :( I'm gutted. 

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First, I'd like to say, you didn't ruin the friendship....she did, when she crossed the line with ill intentions. She knew it wasn't a game to you and still used you for her own game, that's a shitty thing to do. What you've feeling right now is NOT your fault...it's hers. The fact that she doesn't see the way she treated you as a big deal just shows her immaturity. Any 'friend' who would treat you with such disrespect isn't a friend worth having. Don't let her get you down, she doesn't deserve to have you mourn losing her, she should be mourning the loss of you. Stand your ground and be confident about cutting off contact, let her know that you have no time for playing games. You have nothing to apologize for, she took advantage of you and you reacted by pulling back, that's a positive thing, even if it doesn't feel like it right now

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1 hour ago, Storm9 said:

Later that night she got drunk and messaged me saying how she couldn't stop thinking about me and how her head was messed up. She then invited me round for sex, and sent me some naked pics. I really really wanted to go round, but I stopped myself. She asked me a number of times but I declined. Instead we started sexting, and it was so hot.

Based on this admission, I would say that this woman is struggling with her burgeoning bisexuality, and is engaging in some typically conflicted behaviour, and probably lying to herself about her feelings for you...pretending that it isn't that big a deal, when it probably is a very big deal to her too...

Saying that she was using you, following the incident where you declined to have sex with her, and trying to make her boyfriend think that you've been chasing her were ways to protect herself from being hurt, by taking an offensive position... Yes, she definitely loves getting your attention, and she seems to need to get drunk either to drum up the courage to be with you, or possibly so that she can then blame her actions on the alcohol...but she keeps on coming back for more...and that usually means that there's more to it than just the pursuit of 'drunken excitement'. This is a typical pattern of behaviour that some women follow when they can't come to terms with bisexual or gay feelings, and their attempts at what they see as self-preservation can end up hurting the object of their affection very badly by stringing her along.

Although your friend may actually have romantic feelings for you, I must say that I agree with @Cute&Curious that she's been playing games, despite knowing how you feel, and that this is totally disrespectful, immature and a terrible way to behave. There is really no excuse for messing you around this way, and considering that the situation hasn't improved over time, you are right to pull back to protect yourself from further abuse. Sadly, you probably won't be able to resume the friendship, as you've both crossed a line, and considering her previous behaviour, she probably isn't ever going to be honest with you, so there's really no point. It's probably best to just walk away now, and to try not to take what she did too personally, as it was more about her than about you. 

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Argggghhh! I wish this woman had balls so I could kick her there! But she obviously doesn't and is not a very nice person.This is horrible! 

At least when my crush was cruel to me I could rationalize that she was just confused. This woman is straight up fucking with your emotions. I don't care if she is confused, it's just not nice to treat another human, let alone a friend like that. You did nothing wrong. She is a manipulator. Under no circumstances should you appologize to her.

you need to let your self heal and stay away from her. Her loss for losing you as a  friend. Maybe she needs to do some growning up and appologize.

i am so sorry this happened to you. People can be so cruel to each other.

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On 9/20/2017 at 1:04 AM, Cute&Curious said:

First, I'd like to say, you didn't ruin the friendship....she did, when she crossed the line with ill intentions. She knew it wasn't a game to you and still used you for her own game, that's a shitty thing to do. What you've feeling right now is NOT your fault...it's hers. The fact that she doesn't see the way she treated you as a big deal just shows her immaturity. Any 'friend' who would treat you with such disrespect isn't a friend worth having. Don't let her get you down, she doesn't deserve to have you mourn losing her, she should be mourning the loss of you. Stand your ground and be confident about cutting off contact, let her know that you have no time for playing games. You have nothing to apologize for, she took advantage of you and you reacted by pulling back, that's a positive thing, even if it doesn't feel like it right now

We're probably both responsible for ruining the friendship. What you say makes alot of sense, as always. I'm surprised with myself that I've held out not talking to her yet. I go backwards and forwards between thinking I'm making the right decision by distancing myself, and then maybe thinking everything would be better if we sit down and talk and sort things out. At the moment I feel as if she really doesn't care, as she hasn't approached me either, so maybe I am making the right decision. Time will tell.

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On 9/20/2017 at 2:19 AM, BenedettaC said:

Based on this admission, I would say that this woman is struggling with her burgeoning bisexuality, and is engaging in some typically conflicted behaviour, and probably lying to herself about her feelings for you...pretending that it isn't that big a deal, when it probably is a very big deal to her too...

Saying that she was using you, following the incident where you declined to have sex with her, and trying to make her boyfriend think that you've been chasing her were ways to protect herself from being hurt, by taking an offensive position... Yes, she definitely loves getting your attention, and she seems to need to get drunk either to drum up the courage to be with you, or possibly so that she can then blame her actions on the alcohol...but she keeps on coming back for more...and that usually means that there's more to it than just the pursuit of 'drunken excitement'. This is a typical pattern of behaviour that some women follow when they can't come to terms with bisexual or gay feelings, and their attempts at what they see as self-preservation can end up hurting the object of their affection very badly by stringing her along.

Although your friend may actually have romantic feelings for you, I must say that I agree with @Cute&Curious that she's been playing games, despite knowing how you feel, and that this is totally disrespectful, immature and a terrible way to behave. There is really no excuse for messing you around this way, and considering that the situation hasn't improved over time, you are right to pull back to protect yourself from further abuse. Sadly, you probably won't be able to resume the friendship, as you've both crossed a line, and considering her previous behaviour, she probably isn't ever going to be honest with you, so there's really no point. It's probably best to just walk away now, and to try not to take what she did too personally, as it was more about her than about you. 

I use to think it meant more to her than just drunken fooling around, but my opinion of the situation has changed. Maybe she isn't 100% straight, but I don't think she is bisexual. I don't think it's anything to do with her being attracted to me, I think she craves attention and unfortunately she got the kind of attention she was looking for from me. I'm sure I could have been anyone. It makes me question what our friendship was based on, and if we had boundaries in place would she even be interested in a friendship with me. I think you're right in that she uses alcohol as a way to not be held accountable for her actions. Alcohol is great for lowering our inhibitions, but it doesn't put alien thoughts in our heads. It must be something she has thought about (and possibly wanted) while she's sober. I need to try to have some self respect and walk away.

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On 9/20/2017 at 2:29 AM, Ona said:

Argggghhh! I wish this woman had balls so I could kick her there! But she obviously doesn't and is not a very nice person.This is horrible! 

At least when my crush was cruel to me I could rationalize that she was just confused. This woman is straight up fucking with your emotions. I don't care if she is confused, it's just not nice to treat another human, let alone a friend like that. You did nothing wrong. She is a manipulator. Under no circumstances should you appologize to her.

you need to let your self heal and stay away from her. Her loss for losing you as a  friend. Maybe she needs to do some growning up and appologize.

i am so sorry this happened to you. People can be so cruel to each other.

I don't plan on apologising to her because I don't know what I'd be apologising for! I'm not even sure I want an apology from her, all I want is for her to realise how she's made me feel, even if she doesn't care. We all have our own values and standards we apply to our friendships, and what we expect back in return. Maybe what me and her expect from friendships are completely different, I don't know. I know things will get better in time, it just seems a long way away at the moment.

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4 minutes ago, Storm9 said:

I don't plan on apologising to her because I don't know what I'd be apologising for! I'm not even sure I want an apology from her, all I want is for her to realise how she's made me feel, even if she doesn't care. We all have our own values and standards we apply to our friendships, and what we expect back in return. Maybe what me and her expect from friendships are completely different, I don't know. I know things will get better in time, it just seems a long way away at the moment.

A hug to you! I am at almost a year away from not speaking to my friend after she messed with me in a similar way. I don't think she will ever get it. THats on her though, not me. I have learned so much from that experience tho, that I can almost say that I was glad it happened. I have learned about what I want and don't want and he kind of people I want and don't want in my life and just become a lot more comfortable with who I am. So in a way I am grateful to have had that experience. But it hurt so much at the time and for months after. A hug!

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10 minutes ago, Storm9 said:

I use to think it meant more to her than just drunken fooling around, but my opinion of the situation has changed. Maybe she isn't 100% straight, but I don't think she is bisexual. I don't think it's anything to do with her being attracted to me, I think she craves attention and unfortunately she got the kind of attention she was looking for from me. I'm sure I could have been anyone. It makes me question what our friendship was based on, and if we had boundaries in place would she even be interested in a friendship with me. I think you're right in that she uses alcohol as a way to not be held accountable for her actions. Alcohol is great for lowering our inhibitions, but it doesn't put alien thoughts in our heads. It must be something she has thought about (and possibly wanted) while she's sober. I need to try to have some self respect and walk away.

I would guess that most women aren't 100% straight, and you can apply any term you like to that disposition - bisexual, lesbian, sexually fluid, etc -it all adds up to the fact that they are capable or desirous of sex and/or romance with another woman... Considering the general beauty and grace of women, that isn't at all surprising, but even in the contemporary world, where gay marriage is becoming common in Western countries, lots of women still feel ashamed of those feelings and desires, and so are very conflicted about them, and give off confusing signals, and engage in bad behaviour as the result...and they present a peril, and so should carry a health warning for unsuspecting bi and lesbian women who cross their path...

You really have to go with your gut instinct on this one, and if you truly feel that she was just being opportunistic, then it's important to understand how you fell for that, in order to avoid similar situations in the future... Alot of us have experienced this sort of thing at some point, and there's certainly no shame in that...but it's imperative to learn to recognize those warning signals, and, as you say, to 'have some self respect and walk away' before you get too involved and end up getting seriously hurt. 

Big hugs. 

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34 minutes ago, Storm9 said:

I need to try to have some self respect and walk away.

More than that: you need to protect yourself from this toxic relationship. Think about it: What would you have advised a friend to do in any other kind of toxic situation? I'm so sorry that she turned out to be the total opposite of what you wanted. 

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3 hours ago, BenedettaC said:

I would guess that most women aren't 100% straight, and you can apply any term you like to that disposition - bisexual, lesbian, sexually fluid, etc -it all adds up to the fact that they are capable or desirous of sex and/or romance with another woman... Considering the general beauty and grace of women, that isn't at all surprising, but even in the contemporary world, where gay marriage is becoming common in Western countries, lots of women still feel ashamed of those feelings and desires, and so are very conflicted about them, and give off confusing signals, and engage in bad behaviour as the result...and they present a peril, and so should carry a health warning for unsuspecting bi and lesbian women who cross their path...

You really have to go with your gut instinct on this one, and if you truly feel that she was just being opportunistic, then it's important to understand how you fell for that, in order to avoid similar situations in the future... Alot of us have experienced this sort of thing at some point, and there's certainly no shame in that...but it's imperative to learn to recognize those warning signals, and, as you say, to 'have some self respect and walk away' before you get too involved and end up getting seriously hurt. 

Big hugs. 

Very well said. This, I am writing on the Shybi book of wisdom. Thank you @BenedettaC

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6 hours ago, Storm9 said:

We're probably both responsible for ruining the friendship. What you say makes alot of sense, as always. I'm surprised with myself that I've held out not talking to her yet. I go backwards and forwards between thinking I'm making the right decision by distancing myself, and then maybe thinking everything would be better if we sit down and talk and sort things out. At the moment I feel as if she really doesn't care, as she hasn't approached me either, so maybe I am making the right decision. Time will tell.

At this point I'm not sure what good it would do to try and sort things out. This girl has been on and off from the beginning, it's been a game to her from the start, look at all the signs...

She never approached you until after she learned that you were bisexual, which as I recall, she pulled you somewhere private and kissed you, then immediately told her boyfriend....as if she'd won some trophy and couldn't wait to show it off. 

At first she could ALMOST be excused because she didn't know how you felt, for all she knew maybe it was fun and games for you too. But then you told her how you felt, and she specifically denied having any such feelings for you. She flat out admitted that for her it was simply drunken fun, and she was using you.

And if that wasn't enough, she took it further by propositioning you with sex, knowing how you felt and that she wasn't on the same page. That proves that she's not respectful of your boundaries, and will probably continue to do this over and over as long as you let her.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, but I really hate people who play games with someone's feelings. I've followed your story from day one, and I know what you've gone through with this girl. Any relationship is about give and take, even friendships....but you've given so much of yourself to her and have taken nothing in return.

I absolutely believe she's not straight, as @BenedettaC said, call it whatever you like....maybe she does like you more than she's letting on, maybe she can't even admit it to herself...but that doesn't give her permission to act like an asshole. I don't mean to sound disheartening, especially if she's dealing with her own struggles with sexuality...but this chick needs a slap....and not the good kind ;)

If you want to save the friendship, than do so by setting firm boundaries and sticking to them, but honestly I think this is one of those all or nothing situations. I just really hate the way she's treated you all this time, you really do deserve better

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Thank you for all of your advice, I really do appreciate it. Deep down I know the best course of action, but I was starting to second guess myself to wether my feelings were justified, and if I need to admit defeat and approach her to try to make things normal again. But I'm not going to, not for now anyway. I need time to get over whatever this was if we're going to have any kind of chance at a friendship in the future. 

I feel like I'm back to square 1, and it is disheartening. Opportunities with women don't appear very often, especially when you're married and not actively looking for anyone. 

I wish I was as knowledgable and as level headed as you ladies. 

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17 minutes ago, Storm9 said:

I feel like I'm back to square 1, and it is disheartening. Opportunities with women don't appear very often, especially when you're married and not actively looking for anyone. 

You're absolutely right, these opportunities are rare.....but not all opportunities are good ones. You really just said it all...I think maybe you've always known she wasn't the right girl for you, but because she awakened your bisexual side and gave you opportunity, your vision was clouded. Maybe you were more into the opportunity than you were ever really into her? It's frustrating when you know what you want but it's just out of grasp....especially when it's almost fallen in your lap. When the right girl comes along, you'll know, you won't have to question it, and you won't have to settle. 

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On 9/22/2017 at 8:34 AM, Cute&Curious said:

You're absolutely right, these opportunities are rare.....but not all opportunities are good ones. You really just said it all...I think maybe you've always known she wasn't the right girl for you, but because she awakened your bisexual side and gave you opportunity, your vision was clouded. Maybe you were more into the opportunity than you were ever really into her? It's frustrating when you know what you want but it's just out of grasp....especially when it's almost fallen in your lap. When the right girl comes along, you'll know, you won't have to question it, and you won't have to settle. 

So true that not all opportunities are good ones. Being a horny twentysomething in an urban area who has been out for several years, I often feel like I "should" have had sex with a woman by now. But those opportunities that have arisen were wrong for me for one reason or another and in retrospect I'm glad I haven't pursued them.

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Hi Storm. Sorry you had to go through this and that this woman treated you so poorly. I don’t think she can be 100% straight but she had taken advantage of both the situation and you. Perhaps she does have feelings for you and is in some denial/struggling with her sexuality but that doesn’t give her the right to act like an asshole. 

Does your husband know about her? Did you ever get back in touch with her? 

I had a crush on a girl at work but this has made me glad nothing ever happened!

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4 hours ago, dirtyshirt84 said:

Hi Storm. Sorry you had to go through this and that this woman treated you so poorly. I don’t think she can be 100% straight but she had taken advantage of both the situation and you. Perhaps she does have feelings for you and is in some denial/struggling with her sexuality but that doesn’t give her the right to act like an asshole. 

Does your husband know about her? Did you ever get back in touch with her? 

I had a crush on a girl at work but this has made me glad nothing ever happened!

Hey. Yeah I don't think she can be 100% straight...... but unfortunately that's something she's going to have to come to terms with herself, or keep pretending, which ever she decides to do. 

My husband always knew her and knew we were friends but didn't know anything else. Ive since told him everything. He wasn't too happy (can't blame him obviously) but he was more supportive than I thought he was going to be. 

Me and her unfortunately have to see each other alot, but haven't spoken until very recently. Maybe we'll be able to be friends again, we'll have to take it slow. 

What happened with your work crush? If anything this has taught me to stay away from co workers. The aftermath has made an already stressful job even more stressful for us both. I've read lots of warnings about going near co-workers, but never considered the implications until it was too late. It really has been a roller coaster of emotions. If I ever have another crush on anyone I work closely with, it's staying as a crush!

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3 hours ago, Storm9 said:

Hey. Yeah I don't think she can be 100% straight...... but unfortunately that's something she's going to have to come to terms with herself, or keep pretending, which ever she decides to do. 

My husband always knew her and knew we were friends but didn't know anything else. Ive since told him everything. He wasn't too happy (can't blame him obviously) but he was more supportive than I thought he was going to be. 

Me and her unfortunately have to see each other alot, but haven't spoken until very recently. Maybe we'll be able to be friends again, we'll have to take it slow. 

What happened with your work crush? If anything this has taught me to stay away from co workers. The aftermath has made an already stressful job even more stressful for us both. I've read lots of warnings about going near co-workers, but never considered the implications until it was too late. It really has been a roller coaster of emotions. If I ever have another crush on anyone I work closely with, it's staying as a crush!

Are you out to anybody else at work? If so they may be able to provide a buffer between the two of you such as ensuring that you don't end up assigned to a project that's just you and her.

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3 hours ago, Storm9 said:

Hey. Yeah I don't think she can be 100% straight...... but unfortunately that's something she's going to have to come to terms with herself, or keep pretending, which ever she decides to do. 

My husband always knew her and knew we were friends but didn't know anything else. Ive since told him everything. He wasn't too happy (can't blame him obviously) but he was more supportive than I thought he was going to be. 

Me and her unfortunately have to see each other alot, but haven't spoken until very recently. Maybe we'll be able to be friends again, we'll have to take it slow. 

What happened with your work crush? If anything this has taught me to stay away from co workers. The aftermath has made an already stressful job even more stressful for us both. I've read lots of warnings about going near co-workers, but never considered the implications until it was too late. It really has been a roller coaster of emotions. If I ever have another crush on anyone I work closely with, it's staying as a crush!

With my work crush we flirted a lot in the beginning and were very touchy with each other. Obviously I’m married and she has a serious gf. As I got to know her I really fell for her but nothing has ever happened. I think she loves her gf and just enjoyed the attention from me. Now we are friends although still sometimes flirty/touchy in a way that I think oversteps boundaries but I can’t seem to stop myself doing it! I came out to her about a year ago and she was really supportive. 

Although I was really physically attracted to her and I felt she was also attracted to me I’m glad nothing ever happened as I think it would have just really hurt me. We work in a pretty small office so it could have become very awkward and ruined it for everybody. 

 

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It sounds to me like she has a drinking problem. It looks like she can't handle this part of herself without the lubrication (ha!) of alcohol, and then she can blame her actions on being drunk. Her behavior is toxic for you. If I were in your situation, I would tell her that you won't talk, text or spend time with her when she is drinking, and take it from there. I've had two relationships end over drink, when I made it clear that I didn't want to be around someone who had to have alcohol in order to have a good time. There's a time for a little alcohol indulgence here and there, but it shouldn't be every time and it shouldn't be allowed to be an excuse for hurtful and disruptive behavior.

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Argh ... crushing on a coworker is the worst. You see them every damn day! @Storm9 and @dirtyshirt84 you’re not alone. I crashed and burned with my coworker. Reading your stories my heart hurt for you guys. Stay strong and follow your gut feelings. ((Hugs))

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Just a bit of an update...... so we've been talking again for a while now. To start with I was trying to keep her at a distance, but we naturally started talking more and more again. Now things are almost back to how they were, but now I'm alot more wary of her and her actions. We hung out alone together recently, and I was a bit worried about how I was going to feel.... however I'm really proud to say I felt very little for her! Im so pleased. My attraction is fading, and I wonder if part of that is due to me realising she doesn't actually have the qualities I find attractive (honesty, empathy, etc). Things do get better. 

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16 minutes ago, Storm9 said:

Just a bit of an update...... so we've been talking again for a while now. To start with I was trying to keep her at a distance, but we naturally started talking more and more again. Now things are almost back to how they were, but now I'm alot more wary of her and her actions. We hung out alone together recently, and I was a bit worried about how I was going to feel.... however I'm really proud to say I felt very little for her! Im so pleased. My attraction is fading, and I wonder if part of that is due to me realising she doesn't actually have the qualities I find attractive (honesty, empathy, etc). Things do get better. 

Good for you! You have good standards of attractive qualities. Keep the wariness and it should be fine.

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1 hour ago, Storm9 said:

My attraction is fading, and I wonder if part of that is due to me realising she doesn't actually have the qualities I find attractive (honesty, empathy, etc). Things do get better. 

One of my mantras when trying to break free from my unhealthy situation is, "He CANNOT give you what you need." 

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