GracieG28

Has this negatively or positively affected your marriage?

17 posts in this topic

Hi, 

I'm new to this and have been reading through the other threads. I'm so thankful to find a place where people seem to be going through similar things to me! 

My husband and I have a young family (that we are hoping to expand next year). I've told him of my bi-curiosity and he is fine with me  exploring it, and if I enjoy it, I can continue to act on that. With two conditions - that things don't become romantic (friendly/friendships ok), and there's no other men involved (couples, threesome etc). 

I've signed up for a couple of dating sites (without photos), but honestly don't know what i'm doing. I don't want people finding out, we are both professionals and I would hate for it to reflect poorly on him, or people to gossip that I was having an affair etc. We live in a small town.

I also don't just want to have a one night stand... 

The thing is, now that i've got the green light, i'm absolutely terrified to act on it. What if it changes things between myself and my husband?

What if it changes the way I feel, or he feels? Or he gets jealous after the fact? Or I feel guilty? As you can see, there's quite a bit of anxiety clouding the excitement at the moment. 

Has anyone gone through with this and had it not negatively affect their marriage? Would love to hear about it.

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Welcome! First I'd like to make a recommendation....there are several books that discuss non monogamy and how to make it work, two I see most talked about here are "The Ethical Slut" ( get be thrown off by the title) by Dossie Easton, and "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. You should choose at least one to read, ideally both you and your husband would read and discuss it.

I'd like to point out that I have no experience in this (my husband has not been nearly as understanding), but your questions are valid, not just anxious thoughts. Exploring this part of yourself could very well change how you feel, or he feels...have a look through the forums, it's happened to LOTS of women here, many of whom started out just like you. Their husband supported them in exploring women and gave them permission to have a sexual relationship with a woman, most husbands (not all) aren't comfortable with their wives having romantic relationships outside the marriage. This is a bit of a red flag by the way, but I won't get into that at the moment. Once those women experienced what it's like to be with a woman they couldn't enjoy their husbands in the same way...some actually came to the realization that they were WAY more gay than straight. Some have even ended their marriage in order to be true to themselves. I'm not saying that this happens to every woman who acts on her bisexual desires, but you need to be aware of the possibility, because we can't know how it'll affect us until it happens. 

Women are emotional creatures, it's sort of unrealistic to expect to be able to control your emotions when getting involved with another woman. Sure there are plenty of women who have strictly sexual relationships, and there's something to be said for such scenarios...but you can't control how you feel. People fall in love, even when they don't intend to. The f-f dynamic is VERY different from f-m, it can be VERY intense, and you should recognize that your sexual desires could very likely turn into something more.

Jealosy is very common in non monogamy, so is guilt...it's something you'll both have to learn to work through...reading the books may help with that.

There are women here who have successfully explored non monogamy and some will say it had no negative effect on their marriage, some will even say it actually had a positive effect. I hope you'll get responses from women who've actually experienced this, hopefully from both the positive perspective and the negative.

Good luck!

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Thank you for the advice, I will start out by reading one of those books.

I really wonder if it's something I need to really sit on and think about. It's something i'd like to try, and it's something that would be fun. But it's not a "need", or something I won't be able to live without. I don't think experimenting and fun is worth risking my marriage over :blush:

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Welcome @GracieG28! It's great that he supports you. There are many partners that are very insecure about it. There are a lot of threads here that will help you I'm sure. 

Personally, my husband gave me the go ahead to explore at first and I loved him more for it.  But it's unrealistic to say you can never be romantically involved because that's something that could easily happen even if you're not setting out that way.

I ended up meeting someone and becoming romantically involved, and without either of us expecting it, we fell for each other. Our husband's both became very insecure and told us they couldn't handle it if it became physical because of the connection we had.  We agreed to that boundary for the sake of our marriages and remain good friends. But it's not easy!

Through the whole process I talked to my husband about almost everything!! It's a lot of trial and error, working out what they can handle, so I've learnt to be careful about what and how I say something while continuing to be honest. Now we're at the point of him being ok with it as long as it doesn't affect my relationship with him. So I have to learn to focus and find balance if this is what I want. 

This can work but as @Cute&Curiousmentioned, a female relationship is emotional and intense so be prepared for that. Always make sure your husband is your number one priority. If he sees attention being shifted towards someone else it's unlikely that he'll handle it well. 

So if you think you can find a balance and a lady that understands and respects your situation, then go for it. It could be amazing! 

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@GracieG28 Thank you for your post as I was going to share something similar and you've shown me I'm not alone. It's great that your husband supports you. My fiancé does too, but it also scares us both that it might jeopardize the great thing we have. I've often wondered if it's worth it, but my sexuality is a part of me and I think suppressing or ignoring that aspect might be more damaging in the long run. 

I definitely plan on reading the Ethical Slut as well. Please keep us posted on how things progress for you and your relationship!

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I can agree that a ff relationship can be very intense. That is what happened between me and my ex gf. We were each other's first. I was not ready for the strong emotional connection I felt for her. The NRE or new relationship energy hit me hard. She was all I could think about and it was effecting my marriage. I was ignoring my husband and he felt left out. I had trouble finding a balance between the two relationships. I have learned a lot from being with her and am glad I was able to have even those few months together. 

Please don't let my experience stop you from having your experiences. You never know you may come across someone that will be perfect for you. Good luck and best wishes.

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In my case, it became a means my ex-husband used to control and manipulate me, so my case is more the exception than the rule. I also feel like it was a band-aid for a relationship that was doomed to fail.  I knew going into our marriage that I was way more into women than men, but I'd struggled dating women.  It took me awhile to even accept that he was offering to let me be with a woman.  At first, it was a one-time pass, but I told him I wanted more than that.  But anything beyond that, he insisted on being involved.  That put me in a bind I didn't like, but in order to be able to do this, and feel fulfilled, it was a compromise I decided to make.  The more we talked, the more it morphed into searching for a triad arrangement.

During that part of our marriage, in some ways, it made us stronger, but it also really magnified a lot of the issues between us.  It would be hard to say if it ultimately made things better or worse.  We talked a lot more during that time, but with my ex, little that came out of his mouth was the truth.

I was in another relationship later, where I was more in your husband's shoes.  I identify as gay, and my GF at the time is bisexual.  She wanted to be able to date men.  I agreed to it so long as she kept it casual, and it didn't interfere with our limited time together.  The first couple of guys she dated, it went well.  Then there was a guy she ended up spending more time with than me, and was more public about than she was about me (she was still pretty closeted, which bothered me a lot).  When I brought up my concerns, they went unheard, and eventually it did break us up.  I was really angry and hurt for a long time after that, and it's not something I'm open to doing again after that.

I think the two (primary) people involved make all the difference.  Having a healthy foundation to stand on, which can be hard to really determine from the inside, makes it easier to make something like this work.

Reading The Ethical Slut will help you two a ton.  I have heard good things about Opening Up, but I haven't yet read it myself.

Keep us posted!!  Good luck!

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My husband has not yet given me his okay to act on my desires, and I'm not sure I'll need/want to, but I think it has been good for us. I mean, there was this whole part of me that I was trying to squash & now I'm free. So of course I'm happier in a lot of ways just knowing myself better. And we can talk about all of it. It has opened up conversations between us where there had been some stagnation for a while. We compare boobs we like. We're a bit friskier, which is really nice after 21 years together. 

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4 minutes ago, N00Bi said:

My husband has not yet given me his okay to act on my desires, and I'm not sure I'll need/want to, but I think it has been good for us. I mean, there was this whole part of me that I was trying to squash & now I'm free. So of course I'm happier in a lot of ways just knowing myself better. And we can talk about all of it. It has opened up conversations between us where there had been some stagnation for a while. We compare boobs we like. We're a bit friskier, which is really nice after 21 years together. 

Boob comparison is one of the best parts. Just don't be too obvious about it. :P

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11 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

Boob comparison is one of the best parts. Just don't be too obvious about it. :P

We just do it with boobs on screens; not in real life. Yet. 

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2 minutes ago, N00Bi said:

We just do it with boobs on screens; not in real life. Yet. 

Ah fair enough. That removes a lot of complications.

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On 10/14/2017 at 5:37 AM, GracieG28 said:

Hi, 

I'm new to this and have been reading through the other threads. I'm so thankful to find a place where people seem to be going through similar things to me! 

My husband and I have a young family (that we are hoping to expand next year). I've told him of my bi-curiosity and he is fine with me  exploring it, and if I enjoy it, I can continue to act on that. With two conditions - that things don't become romantic (friendly/friendships ok), and there's no other men involved (couples, threesome etc). 

I've signed up for a couple of dating sites (without photos), but honestly don't know what i'm doing. I don't want people finding out, we are both professionals and I would hate for it to reflect poorly on him, or people to gossip that I was having an affair etc. We live in a small town.

I also don't just want to have a one night stand... 

The thing is, now that i've got the green light, i'm absolutely terrified to act on it. What if it changes things between myself and my husband?

What if it changes the way I feel, or he feels? Or he gets jealous after the fact? Or I feel guilty? As you can see, there's quite a bit of anxiety clouding the excitement at the moment. 

Has anyone gone through with this and had it not negatively affect their marriage? Would love to hear about it.

It seems like you're experiencing things much the way i did in the beginning. I was mortified to be found out online (still am) because of reflecting poorly on both of us, as well as fear that it would negatively affect our relationship.  There have absolutely been ups and downs throughout everything, and it hasn't been completely easy. But we learned how to speak openly and honestly, and there's been a lot of trying.  And i can say currently that it's positively impacted my marriage.  I think part of that has to do with the fact that what i found grew organically out of a close friendship/with someone I'd wanted for a long time (i think she'd wanted me too... and our husbands were totally shipping us for quite some time.. mine because he definitely knew i wanted her and had actually given me some great advice on several occasions while i was stressing about her.. and I'm assuming her husband knew she was interested in me too, but neither of us were brave enough to do anything about it until recently, again, with the nudging and provision of our guys). I chatted with several women online and even met someone online previously and went on a few dates.. it worked out horribly.. not with our marriage, but she was a crazy bish, but she was the only halfway interesting person i met online. So my experience with online isn't necessarily the rule. 

The above i can give us just tread carefully. Keep everyone's feelings at heart, and don't dive in too quickly.  If you really know yourself, things can be amazing. 

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1 hour ago, Ambrosia said:

It seems like you're experiencing things much the way i did in the beginning. I was mortified to be found out online (still am) because of reflecting poorly on both of us, as well as fear that it would negatively affect our relationship.  There have absolutely been ups and downs throughout everything, and it hasn't been completely easy. But we learned how to speak openly and honestly, and there's been a lot of trying.  And i can say currently that it's positively impacted my marriage.  I think part of that has to do with the fact that what i found grew organically out of a close friendship/with someone I'd wanted for a long time (i think she'd wanted me too... and our husbands were totally shipping us for quite some time.. mine because he definitely knew i wanted her and had actually given me some great advice on several occasions while i was stressing about her.. and I'm assuming her husband knew she was interested in me too, but neither of us were brave enough to do anything about it until recently, again, with the nudging and provision of our guys). I chatted with several women online and even met someone online previously and went on a few dates.. it worked out horribly.. not with our marriage, but she was a crazy bish, but she was the only halfway interesting person i met online. So my experience with online isn't necessarily the rule. 

The above i can give us just tread carefully. Keep everyone's feelings at heart, and don't dive in too quickly.  If you really know yourself, things can be amazing. 

When you say you were mortified to be found out online, do you mean that it actually happened to you? Or that you were worried about what might happen, but it never did?

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14 hours ago, ChemFem said:

When you say you were mortified to be found out online, do you mean that it actually happened to you? Or that you were worried about what might happen, but it never did?

It never actually happened to me, but I was worried I'd be outed somehow, especially on apps that have local people on them.  I had a very religious childhood and my parents and extended family are still very religious, and they're still attending the same church i went to. So i guess it was even fear of making my parents look bad too. 

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6 minutes ago, Ambrosia said:

It never actually happened to me, but I was worried I'd be outed somehow, especially on apps that have local people on them.  I had a very religious childhood and my parents and extended family are still very religious, and they're still attending the same church i went to. So i guess it was even fear of making my parents look bad too. 

Ok makes sense. I can see how news would travel fast in that scenario. Props for being aware of your behavior reflecting on your parents - I am just starting to be aware of that dimension.

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21 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

Ok makes sense. I can see how news would travel fast in that scenario. Props for being aware of your behavior reflecting on your parents - I am just starting to be aware of that dimension.

Yeah. It's a small and very gossipy circle, glad to be out of it. Haha.  And as much as i disagree with a lot of my family's beliefs, i still don't want to hurt them.

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Very positive for me and my husband.  He has always accepted my bisexuality, but we didn't have serious discussions about me possibly hooking up with women until now.  I feel safer and more confident now that we've gone over our expectations and limitations.

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