malloryarcher

Bicurious "friend" is distancing herself from me. I think I love her and I don't know what to do.

5 posts in this topic

I've posted about her once, a few months ago, in here: http://www.shybi.com/forums/index.php?/topic/117543-help-me-figure-out-my-bicurious-friend ...

Well, apparently our "friendship" wasn't at its peak yet, not even remotely. And I apparently still haven't figured her out.

Background:

Recap: We started talking more or less in May,, throught text, 24/7. She has never hooked up with another girl, and says she's uncertain about her attraction towards women. Her family is incredibly homophobic and traditional. She talks a lot about marriage and kids. 

The catalyst for a positive change in our relationship was a guy-friend from her past wanting to get together. We hadn't talked for the entire day. She appeared, almost midnight, and said: "Where were you? People are coming back and you weren't here. Please don't disappear anymore. Don't do that. Please." I asked her if she wanted him, she said she didn't know, that she doesn't know what she wants anymore. I admit I was a little heartbroken. But our relationship became warmer, and she started reciprocating. We were openly flirting with each other, while pretending it wasn't happening. It was surreal. She felt safe flirting with me as long as I didn't directly question her about what was going on.

 --- Examples: she said "You owe me a few things, hot honey." I inquired what was it, and said I would give her whatever she wants. She said she didn't know what she wanted, but I could lead the process. She would serenade me with romantic lyrics all the time. I liked playing "needy" as a joke, and sometimes would ask her to "give me love" and she would reply "All the love you want." or "I'll give you all I have."... Then there was one time, when she said "All I do is turn you off." to which I replied "On the contrary." ... later I asked if she didn't want me anymore and she said "On the contrary." .... She would ask me to take pictures of beautiful things, because she wanted to see through my eyes. We shared poetry, childhood pictures....  ---

One day, in the end of July, all of a sudden she sent me "I'm trying to delete all of your texts." I asked for the reason, and she said "Because I can't believe how hard it is to do it." She revealed I was the only person whose texts she had never deleted. I said she shouldn't worry because I had never deleted hers, either. Our conversations suddenly got cold, but still existed. The romantic undertones died. She said, two days later, that she still hadn't deleted my texts because I was "very hard to erase". I asked her why she was trying to erase me, and all she said was " :) ".

When classes came back, we saw each other in person for the first time in almost two months, and it was... awkward. We both shut down. But there was a lot of staring. Our eyes followed one another like magnets anytime we were in the same vicinity. But our talks started to become less personal, and our interactions were always in groups of people and we acted like we didn't even know each other. One day I joked "We are out of subjects to talk about. Should we end the friendship?" to which she seriously replied "Please don't let us die out." ...

One of those days, I went out with our bisexual friend to talk, near the same forest I visited with her a while back. Her friends said she was visibly upset. I questioned her about it, and she reluctantly said that she was upset because she thought we were hooking up. But that I shouldn't worry, because she's out of her mind and she wouldn't be upset about it in a normal day. After that, we had a warming talk. But a week later, everything changed and we were barely friends. She gave men attention right in front of me, men she knew had a crush on her. I jokingly told our friend I was interested in a bi girl in our group. When she found out, she didn't seem jealous at all, and in one of our worst exchanges, she gave me this girl's number (through Whatsapp) and didn't talk to me for the entire day. Downright ignored my reply.

 

 

Now to the problem itself:

This last week, I went to her city, to visit her and our two mutual friends. I was afraid she wouldn't want to see me, since we had barely talked for a week. However...

We had a blast last Thursday. We hiked with our friend, I met her extended family. She downright flipped when she thought I was crossing the street in front of a truck (that was very far away). Even our friend told her to calm down. I noticed her looking at me lovingly a lot of times, in silence, watching me doing something, and when I caught her she wouldn't break eye contact. We would stare at each other for seconds, and her eyes were always very filled with affection and adoration. Friday was awful, though. She ignored me entirely for our mutual friends. It made me upset and I acted kind of rude towards her, which made things worse. We were alone for about ten minutes, and I asked her why she flip flops on me. She said she's a grumpy person...I said "Oh, great. I thought it was personal." ... she said that I could take it personally if I wanted to, and changed the subject. 

I came home Saturday night and we haven't talked since. She actually ignored my text apologizing for being rude (which was basically ignoring her since she ignored me). We exchanged two-three texts until Monday and never again. She didn't invite me to her birthday dinner this Friday, and this was an idea I gave her two months ago. I was always so loving towards her, and basically was the one person in which she confided. I hate thinking she's alone, with friends that never lend her an ear. I got so used to all of the affection we shared, to talking 24/7, for basically 5 months, that it feels like I'm going through a break up. And I have no idea why she's doing this, which is worse.


tl;dr: Friend and I had a close and confusing relationship in nature. We talked 24/7, she showed possibly romantic feelings, and suddenly with no notice she has started distancing herself from me. Not sure if I should just give up on her.

 

 

Edited by malloryarcher
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I don't see an indication in this or the prior post that you've had an explicit conversation about the quasi-romantic nature of your friendship. Normally I would say the worst that can happen is rejection, but to some extent she's already rejecting you with this hot and cold behavior. It's time to rip the band-aid off.

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1 hour ago, ChemFem said:

I don't see an indication in this or the prior post that you've had an explicit conversation about the quasi-romantic nature of your friendship. Normally I would say the worst that can happen is rejection, but to some extent she's already rejecting you with this hot and cold behavior. It's time to rip the band-aid off.

THIS.  You're hurting a lot with things as they are, and this is all a lot of unnecessary drama.  Time to get down to the nitty gritty, and ask her point blank.

My guess is she's into you, whether she will say it or not, but her own internal homophobia is getting in her way.  Whether she is willing to overcome that or not is on her, but either way, I think you deserve a direct answer one way or the other, so you know where to go from here.

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I am so sorry this has not improved. :( It is very inconsiderate on her part and makes it really hard to continue being friends. You can ask her whatever you want, but I would say be really sure you are ready for the answer.

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There are a lot of aspects affecting one's behaviour. Level of maturity,  age, upbringing, personality and even past experience. These are factors you can take a look at when you are trying to understand your hot-and -cold friend. Once you factor it in why she's hot-and-cold (my guess: upbringing, age and simply she doesn't know what she wants) then you can ask yourself if you can handle it. If you can handle things without stress, good. If it's negative impact to you and you feel that you're wasting your time or it is energy draining, then drop it. I've noticed that a lot of bicurious or non-experienced bisexuals in their 20s (including me, then) aren't comfortable in their skin yet. That's okay. It only means that they need more time. Take it easy. 

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