KAHcurious

Ladies, Your thoughts

15 posts in this topic

I logged on my computer tonight and my husbands Facebook page came up.  Curious as to why, I looked at the recent history and discovered that he was chatting with an old girlfriend.  I also discovered that she was among his friends list.

This disturbs me on many levels.

1. She and I had been friends until she publicly humiliated me at one of my company’s events.  My husband was there and witnessed the event.  He knew and k owns my feelings.

2. He knows that I don’t use Facebook and that I always have trusted his discretion in using it and other social media.  

I asked a few questions over dinner and in short he denies having been in touch with people from our past.

i am hurt, feel betrayed and convinced that he is hiding other things from me as well.

i would appreciate your thoughts.

thank you in advance....

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The secrecy would definitely bother me, and him denying it when you have clear evidence points to that just scratching the surface.  Go with your gut on this.  (((HUGS)))

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47 minutes ago, BiTriMama said:

The secrecy would definitely bother me, and him denying it when you have clear evidence points to that just scratching the surface.  Go with your gut on this.  (((HUGS)))

Thank you

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21 hours ago, BiTriMama said:

The secrecy would definitely bother me, and him denying it when you have clear evidence points to that just scratching the surface.  Go with your gut on this.  (((HUGS)))

I agree here, evidence is clear. Maybe a direct approach? Hugs Sweetie

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Thanks for your support 

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2 minutes ago, KAHcurious said:

Thanks for your support 

Anytime. 

Hugs

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The same thing happened to me and my partner. He was “sexting” with a coworker a few years back. Found out same way you did. I took screen shots of the conversation and over a day or 2 asked him random questions about work and coworkers. I threw her in the middle of the people I asked about and he said he never sees or or talked to her in years. So I pulled out my cell phone and sent him the screenshots in a message. Needless to say that conversation lasted hours. Because of medical conditions I know he hasn’t cheated physically but sometimes emotional cheating is worse. Needless to say we have trust issues.

We definitely love each other very much but we’re more like best friends than a couple. My suggestion is to ask leading questions, see what he says then confront him with what you know. If you keep it inside the trust issue will get worse . I wish you luck

Edited by ElizabethG
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Thank you!

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So I would relate to husband better on this ....

That being said! Stand your ground, ask direct questions, and confirm with proof (if you have it). I’m sure he already knows you know, so maybe approach it as ‘don’t be stupid you know I know’ comment. 

Sorry your going through this hugs.  

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That is scary. I think I would share your words. Have a talk and let him know why this is not okay.

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I would say "so when I logged into the computer your facebook came up... I saw you've been speaking to your ex. Anything, you'd like to tell me about?" It sounds sarcastic and those don't have to be your words.. but to me there's no point going in fired up, accusing or looking for an argument. You know what you saw and you know how you feel. Go with it. There may be revelations and hurt, but don't dimiss and lessen yourself. Regardless of the outcome, I hope you find internal strength.

Edited by Hungry
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Firstly, I feel mortified on your behalf. Maybe it hasnt yet progresses beyond internet chatting. 

But, as a cheater myself I want to give another perspective. In my case chatting lead to an emotional affair that eventually became sexual. I have no intention of leaving my spouse for my girlfriend. Deep down, I do hope that my spouse finds out about my affair, so Ive dropped a range of hints. He has not taken it up. I think its because the idea of me having an extramarital affair is so outside of our marriage contract that he is not picking up on it. 

But I also absolutely dread that he will find out after innocently glancing at my social media. I would expect him to confront me about it, but I hope that he will share with me his hurt and shock, rather than tricking me into continuing the smoke and mirrors act. 

I fully expect hurt and shock, and Im prepared to do the necessary mea culpa. But i hope that the hurt and shock will eventually make way for a place where we can talk about why this is happening. I still love my spouse deeply. I do not want him to divorce me. But i want to feel understood.

I wont excuse my behaviour by saying anything that remotely sounds like "you have a part in this too", but I do hope we can move to more open communication.

Its not a justification but let me explain: I'm cheating because at 40 I need to explore a side of myself and there are no alternatives. Its selfish yes, but it has been inevitable. And yet, so utterly exhilarating. Im rediscovering bits of myself that I so want to share with my spouse, but cant. 

Esther Perel has written some deeply insightful books on infidelity (also check out her TED talks). She says that when infidelity is discovered there are many different ways to react. But the partners have to realise their first marriage is over. If they stay married, a new marriage needs to be negotiated. 

For me the guilt and shame of the affair has been a heavy burden to carry. I know I have no right to expect anything of my spouse, but if I daydream for a moment: The best outcome I can hope for is that I get to keep my long distance girlfriend with the emotional connection (he knows its a deeply emotional friendship already) that brings, the ocassional sex with her, and a richer relationship with my husband.  

If he insists I choose, I will fight tooth and nail against the zero sum outcome that will bring along. My relationship with my girlfriend fills a significant need in an unobtrusive manner which Im not ready to let go. And he can't fill even if he tried. 

Ten years ago I would have read the above and thought the author is an awful human being. I probably AM an awful person, but in some respects Im also the same person I was 3 years ago. There is some good in me thats worthwhile to fight for. On behalf of us cheaters, please please please try to understand us, once you've gotten over some of the legitimate anger, sadness, resentment, shock and other emotions you are experiencing now. Deep down we want you to pay attention to us in new ways, and we would like to pay attention to you in new ways too. 

Edited by treelover123
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I can relate to @treelover123 in that I was on the cheating end...only virtually, not physically. I’m not going to endorse cheating, but I’m not going to knock it either. I’m also not saying that your husband is cheating...but he is hiding, and some would call that in itself cheating. People cheat for all sorts of reasons, it usually has something to do with a need that hasn’t been met in their current relationship. I think non-monogamy is under appreciated. It might be impractical to think that every single one of our needs can be met by one person, ofcourse it’s up to us whether or not we’re satisfied with that. 

I think the important thing is for you to confront him so that he knows that you know. Talk about it, preferably calmly, find out why he’s hiding this from you, maybe it’s something that can be addressed. Tell him how you feel, and be honest., and hopefully he’ll be honest too.

I know this can be tough to go through, I’ve been confronted by my husband and decided to come clean, it was agonizing for both of us, but also necessary in a way.  In one conversation my husband discovered that I was bisexual AND that I’d been exploring behind his back. I’m not going to try and justify it, because I don’t feel like I have to. This won’t be easy for you, or for him, but it does have to be addressed...big hugs for you!!

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Direct question. No beating around the bush. No tricky questions. Lay down the evidence and ask him what he is after. Not in a confronting tone but an assertive, confident tone from a wife who wants an honest answer. Because that's what you want, right? An honest answer from him. I wouldnt dig why being secret because there is a tendency for him to lie and make mustakes to defend his foolishness. If he replies 'nothing,' then, tell him what you want him to do. And isn't to stop communicating with her because of what she did to you? Make no mistake to let him realise that you are fully aware of what he is doing. This is a warning for him and hopefully he wakes up. If he persists then maybe you have to ask yourself what you want in your relationship with him. Compromise? Open marriage or leave. This is tough.  All the best. 

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23 hours ago, blueberry said:

Direct question. No beating around the bush. No tricky questions. Lay down the evidence and ask him what he is after. Not in a confronting tone but an assertive, confident tone from a wife who wants an honest answer. Because that's what you want, right? An honest answer from him. I wouldnt dig why being secret because there is a tendency for him to lie and make mustakes to defend his foolishness. If he replies 'nothing,' then, tell him what you want him to do. And isn't to stop communicating with her because of what she did to you? Make no mistake to let him realise that you are fully aware of what he is doing. This is a warning for him and hopefully he wakes up. If he persists then maybe you have to ask yourself what you want in your relationship with him. Compromise? Open marriage or leave. This is tough.  All the best. 

Thank you

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