Curious Jane

Not Again

50 posts in this topic

 A few months ago, I joined a gym. My first class was with a super hot instructor. She has the best body I had even seen.  Anyway, I definitely got the vibe that she’s bi. The holding eye contact, the stare the gaze and all was directly my way but not anyone else. Probably over 20 times through out an hour class. I went to her class every week for the past two months. I swear there was something there. Last week, I bumped into her at a local cafe, she didn’t recognise me. I told her I went to her class and she went blank. I was really embarrassed. Anyway, she said hi to me when she walked into the class this week. I think I was just imagining thing. 

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3 hours ago, Nominomi said:

 A few months ago, I joined a gym. My first class was with a super hot instructor. She has the best body I had even seen.  Anyway, I definitely got the vibe that she’s bi. The holding eye contact, the stare the gaze and all was directly my way but not anyone else. Probably over 20 times through out an hour class. I went to her class every week for the past two months. I swear there was something there. Last week, I bumped into her at a local cafe, she didn’t recognise me. I told her I went to her class and she went blank. I was really embarrassed. Anyway, she said hi to me when she walked into the class this week. I think I was just imagining thing. 

It is such an embarrassing feeling to encounter a crush in a different context and realize they are literally unaware of your existence. 

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I am ( or was) slowly beginning to move out of this "butterfly phase" with my instructor. I realize that she is just being a good instructor by creating a teacher-student relationship with the frequent eye contact, smiles, etc.  I even came across some Quora questions asked by teachers that were all about eye contact with students while teaching a lesson.  

But something interesting happened today.  At the end of class, everyone stood up to leave. Before we moved toward the door, someone asked a question about the upcoming final,so we all stopped to listen to the answer. I was feeling really self-conscious today, so I stood behind another student.  I looked at the ground as I listened to the answer from the instructor.  I looked up for a moment as she was speaking and she was looking around the student (the one in front of me) and directly at me. We made eye contact and I just nodded as if to say, "I understand."  I looked away before she did.

By the way, we to touched fingers last week when she was showing me something on the calculator. LOL 

This is so stupid. It's so juvenile. If I didn't feel whatever kind of attraction this is, I probably wouldn't notice eye contact, or smiles, or care if our hands touched. 

Why does she have to be so wonderful? 

She called me shy today, but I just wanted to be like, "No, it's because of you. I am afraid of saying something wrong or stupid in front of you..."

 

 

Edited by Curious Jane
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3 hours ago, Curious Jane said:

This is so stupid. It's so juvenile.

I don't think it's stupid or juvenile! I think your feelings are something all of us  can identify with.. We all can relate to the experience: The woman we are crushing on, the assessment of her every move, the certainty that this or that MEANS something, but then writing it all off to our own wishful thinking...Sigh... Head spinning stuff!!! 

I know for me when I had my first ever crush on a woman a few years ago (I'm in my 40's) i ended up feverishly googling 'signs of attraction between to women.' Lol. Which just served to further confuse me. Every interaction I had with her I was comparing to my google list --'is she doing this/that/the other thing??' Exhausting!

Anyway, since you are her student, it is very normal that you would ask her about topics covered in class. I am wondering if after a class you could approach her with some follow up question? IDK, something like, 'I found that concept you covered about XYZ tonight so interesting*, do you know of any websites/books I could refer to that cover the topic too?' If that seems too daunting, is she the type of professor it's common for students to email? You could do it by email too. :)  I'm just thinking a question like this could lead to more of a conversation between the two of you. 

*Just make sure you do have some interest in the topic, just IN CASE she calls you on it, 'really? what part of it did you find so interesting?' ;:huh:

All the best to you, I hope you get a chance to talk with her a bit!

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So...I learned through a co-worker that she is Mormon.  It makes me take a step back and say "Okay, now you really can't go there."  Even if she did have some sort of interest in me, it would be totally against her religion to have that kind of relationship with a woman.  I'm not religious in the least bit, but I still try to respect those who are.

   My best friend is Mormon and she and I had a  few borderline sexual encounters, but she was a "Jack Mormon" and had to confess what happened to her bishop.  That made me feel pretty bad.

Nevertheless, I just can't stop thinking about my instructor now. 

I showed up to class before everyone else, even though it was like 5 minutes before class started. 

We chatted about the horrible wind, and the fires in L.A.. At first I was talking as I normally do with a friend or a co-worker , but then I became nervous and rambling.  She doesn't make you feel dumb about it, though. She keeps the conversation going, adding her thoughts to whatever dumb thing I might say.  I've seen her talk like this with other students and it's such an endearing quality.  She eases you out of the awkwardness.  

I think it may have something to do with the fact that she sometimes says some awkward things.  I think she is pretty damn funny, but other students are just kind of like, "Okay..."

Today she slipped and said something that went beyond awkward and it embarrassed her. She went totally red in the face.  We were talking about standard deviation and she was using height as an example. She talked about her husband's height and cracked a joke about how she will tell him that he is taller than a certain percentage of men. She slipped and said something.like, "I mean, he is definitely not having to compensate for anything..."

And then she looked right at me. I had to turn away to hold in my laughter while the other students made somewhat nervous scoffs.  She kept saying, "That was really inappropriate." She didn't smile and I think she was worried about crossing a line.  

I'm not sure why I just explained all of that.  I suppose I just don't have anyone with whom I can share this. 

 

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I meant to add this:

Is it paranoid of me to wonder/worry that she talks about her husband (tonight wasn't the first time) in such a way because she gets the feeling that I have an interest in her and wants to be like, "Let it go, girl. I don't swing that way."

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3 minutes ago, Curious Jane said:

I meant to add this:

Is it paranoid of me to wonder/worry that she talks about her husband (tonight wasn't the first time) in such a way because she gets the feeling that I have an interest in her and wants to be like, "Let it go, girl. I don't swing that way."

I doubt it's anything to do with you. People just tend to talk about their spouses a lot it seems. If she had started the example discussing a measurement to compensate for I might think you're right. However as it was, it sounds like she was trying to give a silly real-life example of a concept you covered in class. It would be like a biology teacher talking about their pet during a lesson on animal behavior.

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17 hours ago, Curious Jane said:

So...I learned through a co-worker that she is Mormon.  It makes me take a step back and say "Okay, now you really can't go there." 

Don't discount it yet. I know someone who is bisexual, Mormon and in same sex relationship. The whole family is Mormon but they're not crazily religious. The coolest part is she's out to her mum and sister and there's no problem. 

On 12/5/2017 at 11:02 PM, Firesign12 said:

Anyway, since you are her student, it is very normal that you would ask her about topics covered in class. I am wondering if after a class you could approach her with some follow up question? IDK, something like, 'I found that concept you covered about XYZ tonight so interesting*, do you know of any websites/books I could refer to that cover the topic too?'

This is a very good move if you want to spend more time with your teacher.  You can approach her on her side, like showing something from your notes or book and so your shoulder is touching her shoulder. hahaha. I'm basically suggesting a step up here (it's subtle!)  and it doesn't matter whether she swings both ways or not. It's creating your own perfect experience. It's fun. You need to top up your confidence if you decide to do this. Make sure that you are prepared  or else you'll really look awkward. Just act natural. Casual. You can do it. Practice. If she looks at you, stay focus. Keep the eye contact. Do not assume, though, that she's giving you signals. Like what @wolfbigrl88 said, not all eye contact is the same. Don't overthink and overanalyse. Enjoy the feelings and smile at her a lot too.  I hope you are still focused on your studies, though. LOL. Keep us updated :lol:

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Okay, I'm way invested in this now. :lol: Keep us updated please!!

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The last day of class was Monday.  Such a somber feeling came over me when I left class.

We had the option to take our final during regular class with her on Wednesday (today)or schedule it sometime during the week in the testing center. I scheduled mine for Friday because I needed more time to prepare, but I wish I could have just had that extra day with her.

For some reason I feel a bit creepy saying that.  

I almost got to test with her on Friday because the testing center wasn't calling me back. Worried I'd miss the deadline, I emailed her to let her know I was still waiting to set my testing time on Friday. She emailed me back to say that if I don't hear back, she would probably be able to allow me to test with her on Friday.  Instructors usually don't work on Friday, so I thought that was super nice, but I would have been incredibly nervous if it ended up being just she and I.  

I ended up getting a call from the testing center.

I guess another thing that makes me weird about all of this is the thought that "she knows" or gets a feeling that I have some kind of crush on her and that it's repulsive...or just creepy.  I don't know.

Also, when I emailed her about the testing issue, I added a note that said, "I wanted to tell you that I'm glad I took your class. I feel like this stuff made sense for once (lol)!" 

She didn't respond to that part of the message.  Maybe she is just being professional. Maybe it's odd I wrote that.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I'm running on little sleep and it's been quite a long day.

By the way, I started to write in the "Erotic stories" area of the board.   I stopped because for some odd reason it feels wrong. Like morally wrong or disrepectful. Or maybe it feels wrong because if she, somehow (but hopefully never) read it, she would feel repulsed or violated in some way.

Ugh, I'm rambling on again.

One last thing...is it weird that I have a hard time thinking about her in a sexual way?  Maybe it's because I just feel bad about myself and need to get back into better shape before I feel comfortable imagining myself with someone. 

It is just weird that I have this infatuation, or crush, or deep admiration, but I don't get to thinking about jumping into bed with her. I just think about getting to know her and want her to reciprocate my feelings.

I don't know if I will ever figure this stuff out. Lol

 

 

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44 minutes ago, Curious Jane said:

One last thing...is it weird that I have a hard time thinking about her in a sexual way?  Maybe it's because I just feel bad about myself and need to get back into better shape before I feel comfortable imagining myself with someone. 

It is just weird that I have this infatuation, or crush, or deep admiration, but I don't get to thinking about jumping into bed with her. I just think about getting to know her and want her to reciprocate my feelings.

It's not weird at all. Do you want to think about her in sexual way? Don't you think that you're fighting it in some ways.  I remember being like that in the beginning. I just admired the personality, the intelligence and nothing sexual going on in my mind. There was a struggle. There was still a bit of denial on my part that I was not aware of until I did some reflections.  Like you, I was thinking that it could be wrong or repulsive and disrespecting the woman I liked. Don't worry. It will come. If it's not with this woman then with someone else. Enjoy your experience and reflect. Again don't overanalyse. 

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First, I hope you did well on the test.! As far as the other stuff, it seems you are projecting a lot of your feelings about yourself. For example I wonder if it's that you feel 'repulsive or creepy' that you have a crush on her. BUT, there is no evidence at all that SHE would feel that way even if she knew of your crush.  None at all. Even if she didn't reciprocate your feelings I doubt she would find it repulsive or creepy that someone had a crush on her! 

And I don't know if it helps to know, but my first crush on a girl was the same way at the beginning. I wasn't really thinking about her in a sexual way. It was more like I just wanted to spend all my time with her, be near her, learn more about her etc. etc. It was only later that the sexual thoughts were there. I think maybe it was because it was difficult for me to process and figure out WHAT was going on in the beginning. After all, this was a GIRL that I was having some sort of feelings about. (And this was at age 45 after a lifetime of being with men!) 

You will figure all this stuff out--it's just a process. :)

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What you emailed didn't sound creepy or repulsive at all. It just sounded like a thoughtful student indicating that they valued the class. I've yet to hear an instructor complain about positive feedback from students. Often it's the opposite and instructors feel like they're talking into the void because they don't hear back once class ends. You made a considerate gesture. Don't worry about it.

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12 hours ago, Curious Jane said:

One last thing...is it weird that I have a hard time thinking about her in a sexual way?  Maybe it's because I just feel bad about myself and need to get back into better shape before I feel comfortable imagining myself with someone. 

 

It is just weird that I have this infatuation, or crush, or deep admiration, but I don't get to thinking about jumping into bed with her. I just think about getting to know her and want her to reciprocate my feelings.

Not weird at all. This is very much how all my unreciprocated girl crushes have been. I always just wanted to spend more time with them, be close to them. The furthest my imagination ever took me was wanting to hold hands or leaning my head on their shoulder. 

I don’t know if it’s because it made me uncomfortable to imagine more or I was just uncomfortable with any of it myself.... but that’s all I wanted as well. But then again this is true with my relationships with guys too. I havent actually imagine them in a sexual way either. This is why I consider myself demisexual. As in I don’t really have any sexual thoughts until I get really close to someone and know they reciprocate.

i have no idea if it’s due to not being comfortable or what. But it’s how i’ve functioned my whole adult life.

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Hi ladies!  I ended up passing the class with an 'A' !  

I am now starting a new semester and I am taking another class with the same instructor.  I tried not to look at her very much on the first day of class.  We made eye contact a few times, but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary.  

But when she smiles at me...*sigh*...I just love it. 

I have such an irrational fear that she has somehow seen my naughty forum posts on this website. I feel embarrassed about writing it, but it helps...I guess. Weird thing is, I am still in the "phase" where I just want to get to know her and wish we could be friends on some level -- I haven't moved into "I want her body!" phase.  Although that's not really my style. I have always been more romantic than sexual.

 I feel like it's so impossible to become friends with her, given the dynamic we are in.  She knows and has worked with several of my co-workers. She knows my MIL! They are all educators. I'm not, I just work with them. It would just look weird if she and I started hanging out one day.  

And I  have super high doubts about anything romantic happening between us.  

So, I am just going to heed prior advice and try not to dwell on anything. I am just going to enjoy being in her company, enjoy taking in all the beautifulness she radiates, and not push for anything beyond a student-teacher bond (unless provoked by her or she gives an absolutely obvious hint.)

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On 12/13/2017 at 10:53 PM, Curious Jane said:

By the way, I started to write in the "Erotic stories" area of the board.   I stopped because for some odd reason it feels wrong. Like morally wrong or disrepectful. Or maybe it feels wrong because if she, somehow (but hopefully never) read it, she would feel repulsed or violated in some way.

I get the same way. I won't talk about where I live even in broad terms because I'm afraid someone is going to recognize her from what I've written, and end up eventually deleting anything that seems like it might be too recognizable (I don't think this is actually quite as paranoid as it probably sounds, as she's fairly well-known around here in our field). 

I have no real worries about her finding it herself, since she isn't an internet person at all. I do worry about the possibility of someone else finding it and saying something, though.

On 12/13/2017 at 10:53 PM, Curious Jane said:

Also, when I emailed her about the testing issue, I added a note that said, "I wanted to tell you that I'm glad I took your class. I feel like this stuff made sense for once (lol)!" 

I agree with everyone else - absolutely nothing creepy about this, and teachers usually LOVE this sort of comment.

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It's so hard to let this go! I shouldn't have taken another one of her classes. 

She walked behind me today (to make sure I knew what the hell I was doing on an assignment because I haven't mustered up the confidence to participate in discussions) and I didn't realize she was there at first.  When I finally noticed her I froze like a weirdo. I can only imagine how red my face was.  

I can't even act like a normal adult.  

What can I do to shake off this nonsense? Just talk to her? Not to tell her that I have an insane crush, but to just try to loosen up. 

 

 

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My apologies for continuing to sound like a broken record. "OMG she looked at me! What does it mean?!"  I really just come here to vent.

I focus on the white board, but I glance at her every now and then to show I am paying attention. I purposely sat diagonal from the person in front of me so that he would block our view of each other. But it seems like every time the guy moves or turns his head, and she and I have the slightest view of each other, she looks at me. It's not looking. It's staring. 

At the end of class, I was looking down at the desk as I gathered my things. Someone said something that made me smile. I looked up to see her looking at me. Everyone else was getting ready to go, too, so it's  not like I was a single distraction. Maybe she was wondering why I was smiling. Maybe I just look weird, I don't know.

Anytime she cracks a joke, she looks at me. Does she want to see my reaction? Or maybe she looks at me because she knows I always smile at her jokes. 

Why does this drive me nuts? Well, she is beautiful, smart, and amazing and I want her to look at me the same way. If she just never looked at me, the way she does, I wouldn't have hope that she had the same feelings.

It's like, I KNOW she wouldn't and couldn't go for someone like me, but these moments of eye contact give me hope. 

I could just remote in to the class online, but I just get too distracted and can't focus if I am not in an actual classroom.

 I am too old to be going on about this stuff. But I can't stop thinking about her and  that makes me feel like a creepster. 

I totally would never do this, but I wish I could secretly record what it looks like from my view and show you ladies so you could really judge what's going on. 

 

Edited by Curious Jane
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Omg this reminds me of a professor I had. I thought for sure i was making this up in my mind eapecially since i was binging the l word at the time. But, She would always look for me and once got mad because a guy was flirting with me. She would even pay me compliments so much that i was scared other class mates would find out even though there was nothing officilly going on. It drove me crazy, i tend to get infatuated with people and i was head over hills infactuated with her. It can seem like youre making this up in your head to fit what you want but you also have instincts. Test it to see. Like i would stop looking at her  while she was teaching so she would move to get my attention, literally move into my line of sight and if i still tried to avoid her she would call me out in front of the class. Professors especially women professors from my experience are more hesitant to act because of the consequences. I say wait until after you finish her class and write her a strongly yet subtle thank you card with your number in it. It puts the ball in her court and since she is no longer your professor she can call you or not.

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@Melvie Oh man. I don't know if I would be brave enough, but I agree that it's a solid way to put the ball in her court. 

I have done that before with a supervisor. She added me on FB, but then craziness happened and now I am on her block list.  I know that sounds psycho, but I promise there is a good explanation for it all - although one too long to type at the moment. 

 

Edited by Curious Jane
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Since I love to torture myself and act like a mental case....I am going to analyze this more.

Something odd I've noticed and I'll have to test it further to see if this is what's really happening. 

Okay, usually she is all smiles and animated and making jokes during her lesson.  Well, she was being that way last Thursday..   I was really quiet that day and I didn't really participate.

This  Tuesday, I made sure I was prepared and,  answered questions she was throwing out to the class. As we talked, and she pushed for me to explain my answers, her demeanor was different. She wasn't as loud, no big voice fluctuations like usual, no jokes, none of her usual things that are her unique way of teaching -- not just during that time but for the entire duration of the class.

Well today I was quiet again and didn't really participate. But she was back to her regular self - being funny, loud, and all the things that make her, her.

She could have had an off day, of course, but I thought it was interesting.

But there was lots of eye contact today. And a few instances of prolonged contact. And those instances where I look up from my desk and she quickly looks away...or doesn't and keeps looking.

I have thought about this: maybe she simply notices that I am truly engaged and taking in every bit of information and that just makes her feel good as a teacher? 

But ladies, she is just so amazing. She has been through a crap ton of things, it seems, and she is still so lovely, compassionate, and sensitive to people around her. 

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Things were put into perspective for me yesterday when I received an email from a coworker. I'll call her Raquel. Raquel is absolutely beautiful and an amazing instructor. I have the highest respect for her and sometimes feel a little intimidated by her beauty and intelligence.  But I don't have a crush or infatuation with her. I don't know what additional factor is missing that would turn it into the type of love I have for my current crush/business instructor ---a certain kind of attention toward me, maybe?  

Raquel always says the sweetest things to me, but I know it is out of endearment, not attraction. Her email to me yesterday included the words, "Love and kisses" and "You are amazing". 

Imagine if I DID have an infatuation with Raquel. That email would have sent me over the moon and I would have labeled it "Exibit A" for evidence that she reciprocates my feelings. 

So, yeah. Perspective. 

 

 

Edited by Curious Jane
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Do you think you could cultivate a crush for Raquel? She sounds better for you.

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31 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

Do you think you could cultivate a crush for Raquel? She sounds better for you.

Hmmm. I don't think I could. I just can't force an attraction like that.  

I think I am super attracted to my instructor' s mind and personality along, of course, with her physical beauty. It just happenend. It's the way she talks. The way she carries herself.  Her "isms".  

I know I need to get over it. But I also know that I will continue this bittersweet misery until this semester is over and then I can move on. 

I imagine getting back into running before the semester is over and talking to her about that (Omg, I it would take a lot of work, though). Maybe she'll invite me to be her running partner. But even then I'd be setting myself up for heartache because though I have that ounce of hope (it goes up some days lol)... deep down I know, really know, that whatever is happening between us doesn't have anything to do with her having feelings for me. 

Something is there. There has to be a reason she looks at me the way she does. But it could be as simple as, "Hey, this girl is listening to me and seems really interested in the subject I love!". 

Sorry, I am rambling again.

 

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I think your second to last sentence is spot on. Professors, at least the ones who actually like teaching, cherish students who pay attention and engage.

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