BellaLuna

What is Your Ideal Situation?

21 posts in this topic

I've been married to a man for ten years, and we have two young children. I love him and our family and plan to grow old with him. 
But at the same time, I know that I also need to have a woman to be truly happy...I have an empty place in my heart that can only be filled by that female energy. It's so hard to explain. :(

Anyway, the woman I've been seeing is also married to a great guy, and when I think about my life and my future, not only does it include a woman, but it includes her. She IS that woman. I'm not sure if she completely feels the same way about me, but in my perfect ideal life, she and I would be just as committed to each other as we are to our husbands. No other women involved, just the two of us. I don't feel the desire to have threesomes or anything like that either...again, in my ideal life, I would be friends with her husband, and she would be friends with mine. They would get along (and honestly, I know they truly would...similar personalities and interests, etc.) We would navigate the waters as they come...sometimes she would need more attention, and other times he would need more. We would just work it out as we needed to. This would be my absolute perfect life arrangement...when I think about what I would need to be completely fulfilled, I think that this is it.


Is it too much to ask? Is it not realistically attainable? I know that I am probably overlooking and oversimplifying things and feelings. What does your ideal situation look like, and are you there? How did you get there? How do you know when you have truly found the situation that is perfect for you...or does that even exist?

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What a perfect situation if I could describe mine, that would be it! :)

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My ideal situation looks exactly like this...but I am nowhere near there, nor will I ever be there....in all truth, I don’t believe it’s realistically attainable, but if it is, and you manage to find it, hold on and don’t let go

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Me too. To have a fulfilling relationship with a woman that coexisted with my marriage would be perfect. Not too much to ask? Not found it yet but I'm still hopefully looking xx

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I think that's the dream for a lot of women on this site.  But I don't know of anyone that truly has two primary partners who feel valued and prioritized and equally happy with the arrangement.  You're fortunate to have something so close to your ideal!

Have you read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Eaton yet?  You might find it helpful in opening up conversations with all involved.  Who knows, maybe you guys can buy a property together and all be on the same space and find a way to have a good time and space balance.

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What you describe, @BellaLuna , sounds ideal to most of us married ladies but very far from ideal for most of our husbands. 

I think it's achievable for a few, but not without huge doses of frustration, heartache and tears for everyone involved. 

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7 hours ago, BiTriMama said:

I think that's the dream for a lot of women on this site.  But I don't know of anyone that truly has two primary partners who feel valued and prioritized and equally happy with the arrangement.  You're fortunate to have something so close to your ideal!

Have you read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Eaton yet?  You might find it helpful in opening up conversations with all involved.  Who knows, maybe you guys can buy a property together and all be on the same space and find a way to have a good time and space balance.

I'm still reeling from the shock of discovering that there are women like me out there.......just the idea of someone else understanding my ideal situation, and even wanting it herself, has me over the moon, :D Seriously, just knowing this forum exists does wonders for my sanity. I really did feel completely isolated and didn't think anyone would ever get it.
I haven't read it yet BUT it's in my Amazon cart and I'm about to check out. Hoping to read it this week. Man, wouldn't that be heaven...pool all of our income & resources and purchase something amazing and live happily ever after. :lol: It's fun to dream. 

3 hours ago, 63395 said:

What you describe, @BellaLuna , sounds ideal to most of us married ladies but very far from ideal for most of our husbands. 

I think it's achievable for a few, but not without huge doses of frustration, heartache and tears for everyone involved. 

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Yeah, I'm sure you're right. As much as my husband loves me, I don't think he'd ever go to that extreme for me, lol. The stars would have to align perfectly at the same time for everyone involved for there to even be a chance, :lol:

Honestly, if I could turn it off and just be "normal," I would in an instant. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever been through. 

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13 hours ago, shazza21 said:

Me too. To have a fulfilling relationship with a woman that coexisted with my marriage would be perfect. Not too much to ask? Not found it yet but I'm still hopefully looking xx

This is described perfectly. It's exactly what I want. I even thought I might have finally found it for a second, but I don't think she feels the same way... .wants to be with me long term, Or more than just physically, at least. :sorry: I'm discovering that women can be far more difficult than men when it comes to communication and honesty and all that stuff. It sucks. And hurts. 

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it is like finding a needle in a haystack.... but it is possible. however it is (or can be) really hard depending on how it is managed.  in my situation, the H’s are friends, but do not know about us.  they have insight to past encounters that almost wrecked one of our marriages.   a lot of trust and boundaries and discretion must go into this.  communication is key too.  good luck!  

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Here’s my take on the ‘ideal situation’...in an ideal world we could have everything exactly how we want it. We could have the perfect marriage to the perfect man...and while we’re at it, why not have the perfect relationship with the perfect woman. It sounds wonderful doesn’t it...two fantastic relationships coexisting...the best of both worlds...everyone’s happy. But can that really be true...can that really be the ideal situation for everyone involved? Just as @BiTriMama mentioned, having two primary partners who both feel valued and prioritized equally is quite uncommon. My guess is out of the four people involved, at least one would get jealous or feel under valued in some way.

A lot of women (including myself) would LIKE to believe that we can have a fulfilling ‘secondary’ relationship with a woman, while keeping the marriage first and primary. In an ideal world we could control our emotions...not in the real world. I suspect that more often than not, at least one of the women would have feelings stronger than they anticipated and her primary interests would shift towards her female partner, and suddenly she has a new idea of an ideal situation, one that doesn’t include her husband. (Obviously this isn’t the only outcome...simply my observation).

My point is, we all have this dream of having the ideal situation (believe me, I do too)....but if we somehow manage to achieve it, will it actually be as ideal as we thought it would be? Just something to ponder.

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One concept I've seen come up a lot regarding ethical non-monogamy is the idea that fairness is not so much about ensuring everyone is treated the same as it is about ensuring everyone gets their needs met. With that in mind, my ideal situation is one in which everyone's needs, including my own, can be compatibly fulfilled.

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40 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

One concept I've seen come up a lot regarding ethical non-monogamy is the idea that fairness is not so much about ensuring everyone is treated the same as it is about ensuring everyone gets their needs met. With that in mind, my ideal situation is one in which everyone's needs, including my own, can be compatibly fulfilled.

Now THAT is truly an ideal situation...excellent point!

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8 hours ago, Cute&Curious said:

Here’s my take on the ‘ideal situation’...in an ideal world we could have everything exactly how we want it. We could have the perfect marriage to the perfect man...and while we’re at it, why not have the perfect relationship with the perfect woman. It sounds wonderful doesn’t it...two fantastic relationships coexisting...the best of both worlds...everyone’s happy. But can that really be true...can that really be the ideal situation for everyone involved? Just as @BiTriMama mentioned, having two primary partners who both feel valued and prioritized equally is quite uncommon. My guess is out of the four people involved, at least one would get jealous or feel under valued in some way.

A lot of women (including myself) would LIKE to believe that we can have a fulfilling ‘secondary’ relationship with a woman, while keeping the marriage first and primary. In an ideal world we could control our emotions...not in the real world. I suspect that more often than not, at least one of the women would have feelings stronger than they anticipated and her primary interests would shift towards her female partner, and suddenly she has a new idea of an ideal situation, one that doesn’t include her husband. (Obviously this isn’t the only outcome...simply my observation).

My point is, we all have this dream of having the ideal situation (believe me, I do too)....but if we somehow manage to achieve it, will it actually be as ideal as we thought it would be? Just something to ponder.

Salient point.  Relationships between women tend to be very intense, and I think can catch women off-guard, especially when they're not used to that.

I wish there was a good word for it, but there also comes an issue when a new partner joins the relationship, and their status is soon upgraded to being another primary, or getting privileges that the other partner has, where it feels to the original partner like this other new person gets to come in and be upgraded to a status they've worked hard to achieve.  For example, my ex-GF was ready to introduce her new boyfriend of two weeks to people she still wasn't ready to introduce me to after nearly a year.  I felt slighted, to say the least.  This was a huge catalyst in our break up.  (If you're curious, you can go back and read stuff I posted last summer.)

I also agree with @ChemFem about equality and fairness being different, and this is SOOOOO key to understand in poly relationships.  It's tough sometimes to balance out meeting everyone's needs and keeping someone from feeling like they're getting the short end of the stick, but it can be done with the right people and good communication.

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On 07/11/2017 at 1:41 PM, Violetta said:

What a perfect situation if I could describe mine, that would be it! :)

Snap! If only it could happen.....maybe one day! 

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I'm keeping my fingers crossed ... I  joined a dating site of sorts last week but I feel really bad I did ... 

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Why do you feel bad @Violetta?

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@ChemFem I don't know... I guess part of me was more worried I'd get caught...anyway I ended up removing myself... 

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I think my current situation is fairly close to my perfect situation. 

And I didn’t even know it was my ideal until I embarked on it.

I have a great relationship with my husband. And I have a long distance girlfriend who he knows about and is perfectly fine with. I get to see her in person about twice a year because of the vast distance between us. But I talk with her daily and she is the closest person emotionally to me. Having that strong relationship with her and knowing that she cares about me is amazing. Being able to listen to her issues and try to be supportive is also pretty great.

i guess when I first started thinking about all this i.e. bisexuality and nonmonogamy, I thought the situation you described would be my ideal. But I think practically it would just be too hard to give enough attention to both people and I would be exhausted and couldn’t hold down a job on top of it or have time for my kid. So in practice it would not be so ideal, just leave me stressed.

the drawback of the current situation is that obviously I don’t get to spend as much physical time with her as I would like. But we sure make up for it when we do. And it’s nice that it’s this uninterrupted time where we can just be in our own magical bubble for a few days. That also would likely not happen if she were more physically integrated into my daily life.

so, yeah I would call this pretty close to ideal all things considered. Could be maybe a little more ideal if she lived less than 20 hours of flying time away :)

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@Ona sounds amazing!  Honestly that always seems to be the case - making connections with people who are no where near me!  I love the positive spin you've presented, though, because keeping my DH happy while I pursue my desires is very important to me.  You've got my wheels spinning now girl! :whistle:

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On 11/9/2017 at 3:43 PM, Ona said:

I think my current situation is fairly close to my perfect situation. 

And I didn’t even know it was my ideal until I embarked on it.

I have a great relationship with my husband. And I have a long distance girlfriend who he knows about and is perfectly fine with. I get to see her in person about twice a year because of the vast distance between us. But I talk with her daily and she is the closest person emotionally to me. Having that strong relationship with her and knowing that she cares about me is amazing. Being able to listen to her issues and try to be supportive is also pretty great.

i guess when I first started thinking about all this i.e. bisexuality and nonmonogamy, I thought the situation you described would be my ideal. But I think practically it would just be too hard to give enough attention to both people and I would be exhausted and couldn’t hold down a job on top of it or have time for my kid. So in practice it would not be so ideal, just leave me stressed.

the drawback of the current situation is that obviously I don’t get to spend as much physical time with her as I would like. But we sure make up for it when we do. And it’s nice that it’s this uninterrupted time where we can just be in our own magical bubble for a few days. That also would likely not happen if she were more physically integrated into my daily life.

so, yeah I would call this pretty close to ideal all things considered. Could be maybe a little more ideal if she lived less than 20 hours of flying time away :)

This is definitely a more practical version of ideal...given the type of situation...I love it!!! Sometimes even ideals take a bit of compromising. Sounds like you have a beautiful situation that’s within your means and makes everyone happy...doesn’t get much more ideal than that.

Now where do I find me one of those lol

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My ideal situation would be to have a "friend", because my husband doesn't know how I feel, My husband and I don't have much in common so there is a lot of free time as my kids are older,, she and i could spend all free time doing whatever it is we want to do. . I would like her to be the aggressor because I do not believe I have the courage. But I feel, I have felt for many years, I want her in my life. The older I get, the clearer this becomes, weird, huh.

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