BellaLuna

What is Your Ideal Situation?

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I have a similar situation to the OP's ideal, except there are downsides: Extreme distance between us (we'd be lucky to see each other in person twice a year) and husbands who don't know and would be devastated; the guilt sometimes eats away at me.  I long for a life like I experienced in a totally different environment when I met up with my gf last month. My husband likes small-town living and doesn't want to relocate to a more urban area. I feel increasingly stifled in this tiny, homophobic town. However, the ideal aspect of this sort of relationship (for me) is that I finally get to realize the totality of my long-standing strong feelings for women (and for this woman, in particular). I was my true self for the few days I spent with her. I've also come to realize I actually prefer women generally and I'm sitting here taking stock on my marriage. My husband is as wonderful as ever, and has no idea I'm thinking these things. It would be great if I could be content with both relationships equally, but I'm not sure I can. Since I returned home, my heart has been elsewhere.  Oh--and another wave of guilt hit me just now: My husband writes for the local newspaper, and wrote a column about a recent trip we took together, and he mentioned me by name numerous times. 

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Having dealt in the past with the complexities of marriage Kids and gf now that I am single I would like to try a monogamous relationship with a woman. However as this is proving hard to achieve I am fighting not to just settle for a man because I am sure I will feel unhappy unfulfilled and trapped if I did this. Apparently I attract men and repel women, not a good feeling. It would also be nice to have gay and bi platonic friends in real life.

 

 

 

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4 hours ago, myladylove said:

Having dealt in the past with the complexities of marriage Kids and gf now that I am single I would like to try a monogamous relationship with a woman. However as this is proving hard to achieve I am fighting not to just settle for a man because I am sure I will feel unhappy unfulfilled and trapped if I did this. Apparently I attract men and repel women, not a good feeling. It would also be nice to have gay and bi platonic friends in real life.

 

 

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you don't repel women. You need to start feeling good about yourself then you will attract the person you deserve xx

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On 11/29/2017 at 9:32 AM, raina2014 said:

I have a similar situation to the OP's ideal, except there are downsides: Extreme distance between us (we'd be lucky to see each other in person twice a year) and husbands who don't know and would be devastated; the guilt sometimes eats away at me.  I long for a life like I experienced in a totally different environment when I met up with my gf last month. My husband likes small-town living and doesn't want to relocate to a more urban area. I feel increasingly stifled in this tiny, homophobic town. However, the ideal aspect of this sort of relationship (for me) is that I finally get to realize the totality of my long-standing strong feelings for women (and for this woman, in particular). I was my true self for the few days I spent with her. I've also come to realize I actually prefer women generally and I'm sitting here taking stock on my marriage. My husband is as wonderful as ever, and has no idea I'm thinking these things. It would be great if I could be content with both relationships equally, but I'm not sure I can. Since I returned home, my heart has been elsewhere.  Oh--and another wave of guilt hit me just now: My husband writes for the local newspaper, and wrote a column about a recent trip we took together, and he mentioned me by name numerous times. 

Be careful not to get too caught up in NRE- new relationship energy.  It sounds like this relationship with this woman is new, and it can feel perfect and intense and like nothing you've had, but you two haven't had time yet to learn each other's annoying habits or settle in beyond those initial hormone-filled months.  Did you question your sexuality prior to going to see her?

I am a big supporter of women who realize they are truly gay after being with a woman, and it definitely happens a lot.  Keep taking your time with this, and let things with her build.  What would happen if you left your husband, but she chose to stay married and decided to be monogamous with him?  Would you still feel fulfilled being able to pursue women moving forward, and feel like you've made the right choice for yourself?  Be careful about putting all your eggs in one basket.

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On 11/29/2017 at 10:23 AM, myladylove said:

Having dealt in the past with the complexities of marriage Kids and gf now that I am single I would like to try a monogamous relationship with a woman. However as this is proving hard to achieve I am fighting not to just settle for a man because I am sure I will feel unhappy unfulfilled and trapped if I did this. Apparently I attract men and repel women, not a good feeling. It would also be nice to have gay and bi platonic friends in real life.

This is how I ended up in my abusive marriage.  I had two years solid of nothing with women but a few first dates that went nowhere.  Stand strong in your truth!  You never know what might work out.  I had been single for almost 1.5 years when my now-GF reached out to me online.

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My mindset with my ideal situation has changed / evolved over time with my journey. Recently my current situation is pretty ideal and may even be in part slowly turning into pretty close to what I originally envisioned. I feel like I'm a bit of the exception to the rule as I have a hubby and a GF that are both equally cared for and loved. I'm also a mom and I have a full career. My hubby is fully supportive and knows about her, she recently met my family actually and they all get along great. She is also a married mom, hubby knows of her sexuality but not of our relationship. He now knows of me though, as her friend, and soon I'll be meeting some other family members of hers. I feel whole having both sides, it just feels right!

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On 11/30/2017 at 7:36 PM, BiTriMama said:

Be careful not to get too caught up in NRE- new relationship energy.  It sounds like this relationship with this woman is new, and it can feel perfect and intense and like nothing you've had, but you two haven't had time yet to learn each other's annoying habits or settle in beyond those initial hormone-filled months.  Did you question your sexuality prior to going to see her?

I am a big supporter of women who realize they are truly gay after being with a woman, and it definitely happens a lot.  Keep taking your time with this, and let things with her build.  What would happen if you left your husband, but she chose to stay married and decided to be monogamous with him?  Would you still feel fulfilled being able to pursue women moving forward, and feel like you've made the right choice for yourself?  Be careful about putting all your eggs in one basket.

Thanks for your insight, and yes, what you talk about here regarding NRE is something I've been thinking about the past few days. There is definitely that aspect of it; we met online first as friends; I had no idea of her orientation at that time. We met in person about a year later, rooming together at an event; we were 'joined at the hip' the entire time, but neither of us knew what the other was really thinking.  A couple of months later, she admitted her feelings and I was floored, because I've had many (always unrequited) crushes on women over the years, and I never imagined my feelings would be reciprocated. (In fact, during that time, I had been heartbroken because I had recently lost a friendship to a woman who used my identity against me; thinking I was someday going to seduce her; although I had an emotional crush on that woman, there was not a physical component, to me, at least). I didn't dare want to ruin another friendship again, so I was amazed when my current gf told me she also had feelings for me!

We have met once since we admitted our feelings, and it was intense and amazing and truly felt right. I finally felt like myself, for the first time in my entire life. That said, I still love my husband, too, but the culmination of all of my feelings not just toward her, but toward a totally different life in the city, is on my mind a lot right now. I don't know if I'd ever leave my husband, because I know it would break his heart. He's a good, decent man, and doesn't deserve that. As for my gf, I think she is even less likely to leave; although her husband has at times been emotionally abusive, it's not a constant, and she doesn't want to devastate him and their life together. 

Could I see myself a single and open to dating other women? Yes, in that before I met my husband, but when I was still mostly in deep denial about being bi, I did explore the idea in my head of dating women (was too scared to act on anything).  But I have grown and changed a lot since that time 20 years ago;  she and I also have something very special that you can't just find in anyone and that goes beyond NRE, in my opinion. We can be silent together, companionable. We have had no awkwardness at all, despite my inexperience. She said she would be complete with me, if the time ever came that we were both single at the same time. 

We do have to move slowly (and the physical distance between us allows for that in any case). But no matter what happens between us now or in the future, I know I am a changed woman. She has helped me embrace my true self, and loves me without reservation or expectation. Whether that will be enough, if my situation changes, but hers does not, is something I just don't know. If someone is unattainable, is it really emotionally healthy to wait for perhaps years, while your life passes you by? I would think not, but on the other hand, a connection like ours is organic and doesn't come along every day. 

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I've been mulling this over quite a lot, especially recently.

Unlike a lot of women here I think I'd like more of a casual/part time gf to be a part of our lives - socially and sexually. My fiance is my best friend, we do pretty much everything together and he's fully supportive of my sexuality, I see no reason to leave him as an outsider completely. 

But I have no idea how I'd meet such a wonderful creature nor how we'd be able to do it considering that we have three children. Waaaah :(

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I, also, am still shocked there are so many women out there like me. I’ve never really let myself think about my ideal situation in any kind of detail because I always thought I was the only one! What I have imagined, would be close to what everyone else seems to want. I love my husband, and he gives me everything I need except that one thing that I think could be fulfilled by being with a woman. I wouldn’t ever want to hurt him, or ruin our relationship though, so here I am just imagining it with the rest of you!

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On 29/11/2017 at 8:09 AM, Ladyk said:

I am looking for my first experience. I want a FWB situation. I have been married for ten years but I too feel like something is missing. I would love to meet someone but I am very nervous because I want a very discreet relationship.

Exactly how

i feel and what I want ! X

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Possibly build a friendship first then move into other connections.  It’s not easy to build friendships as adults.  Being in any type of relationship is hard at times, even more so when there is more than one person you have a similar relationship with.  I would say just live and your ideal life will work it’s way into your daily life!

It’s not easy finding a girlfriend when the world views you as primarily straight.  I’ve never actually been in a real relationship,  with a woman.  After my divorce I ended up in a relationship with a guy. Very caring nice man, good looks, sweet as pie, kind, good in bed for a man, still he’s not a woman.  My ideal situation is unknown to me now, however I know I haven’t had it yet. 

 

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On 11/29/2017 at 1:23 PM, myladylove said:

Apparently I attract men and repel women, not a good feeling. It would also be nice to have gay and bi platonic friends in real life.

Holy crap, this is me! I've had better luck with friendships and relationships with men, but women seem to want nothing to do with me. It's also an issue at work, where I've received training from men, but have suffered backlash from women because of it. And the women who had climbed the ladder would prefer to train and promote men but leave other women in the lower ranks.

But inevitably, most of the men would start believing that they could have something more with me. They'd try to flirt and make advances. But these were always older men; the younger ones tend to keep things platonic, or at least not make any romantic notions known.

My ideal situation is like OP's. A close female friend who shares my interests. We can go to the mall, explore weird shops, record videos for YouTube... platonic doings. But we can share a kiss or a passionate hug in private. We can cuddle on the couch while watching Netflix. If the other isn't in the mood, then a kiss can suffice. We could enjoy making out or dry humping if getting unclothed isn't in the cards that day. It wouldn't have to be like it is with men, where the end result is usually sex.

She could be married and/or have kids. Our husbands... well, I don't know about being open about that kind of thing. I'm afraid my husband would want details, or he'd blow up or demand a divorce. That's always the stumbling block for me in these daydreams, and I end up shutting the whole thing down and trying to distract my thoughts again.

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1 hour ago, LavenderMage said:

Holy crap, this is me! I've had better luck with friendships and relationships with men, but women seem to want nothing to do with me. It's also an issue at work, where I've received training from men, but have suffered backlash from women because of it. And the women who had climbed the ladder would prefer to train and promote men but leave other women in the lower ranks.

But inevitably, most of the men would start believing that they could have something more with me. They'd try to flirt and make advances. But these were always older men; the younger ones tend to keep things platonic, or at least not make any romantic notions known.

My ideal situation is like OP's. A close female friend who shares my interests. We can go to the mall, explore weird shops, record videos for YouTube... platonic doings. But we can share a kiss or a passionate hug in private. We can cuddle on the couch while watching Netflix. If the other isn't in the mood, then a kiss can suffice. We could enjoy making out or dry humping if getting unclothed isn't in the cards that day. It wouldn't have to be like it is with men, where the end result is usually sex.

She could be married and/or have kids. Our husbands... well, I don't know about being open about that kind of thing. I'm afraid my husband would want details, or he'd blow up or demand a divorce. That's always the stumbling block for me in these daydreams, and I end up shutting the whole thing down and trying to distract my thoughts again.

This is me too. Even down to the work problems. I once had to quit a job because I couldn’t stand what was going on with 2 guys bothering me constantly even though they both knew I wasn’t interested, and then 3 women in the office not wanting anything to do with me, but gossiping and saying I was sleeping with both of the guys. 

I think having a close, like-minded female friend is a pretty common daydream for a lot of us! Just to have someone to hang out with sometimes and not necessarily always have it end in sex (but when it did, it would be amazing) is something I’ve wanted for a very long time. It’s too bad so many of us have this dream, but so many of us can’t make it happen. 

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So sorry to both of you for having to deal with that type of workplace harassment. It's a double bind, needing training from men to advance but then being socially punished for taking advantage of that training. Hopefully it will grow better over time, like what you said about young men keeping it platonic.

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6 hours ago, contessmed said:

all sounds so satisfying . Where to find ? I’m a middle class suburban mom - not the type of talk that’s happens in  town .. Now my kids are older  , I really have no idea how this could possibly happen .  It’s funny- men are very friendly ar the gym , pay me attention  and I’m really checking out their wives! I too want  bff  to affectionate bond with in same family situation ! Oh where to find ???

I’m also a suburban mom. Not a lot of opportunities to meet new people, especially since there are very few places I go without my husband and kids! If you figure out where and how, let me know!

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I love to read as well. If you have some lesbian novels to recommend I’m always looking for the next book to read. Are you out with anyone in your life? The only person I’ve talked to is my husband. I have a feeling my family wouldn’t understand, and so would just brush it off as one more thing I’m just going through. “Give it time. You’ll get over it.” I think that’s why I’ve enjoyed being in here so much. It’s reassuring to know there are women like me all over the world, who understand and support each other. 

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I know what you mean. I’ve only ever kissed a girl, and never really thought to give my attraction to women a name before now. When I think about it, the first time I saw lesbian porn was when I was around 9 or 10. My friend’s dad had a huge stack of magazines we found in the basement. I still remember the picture I saw when we randomly opened one magazine, and how it affected me. I’ve only ever watched lesbian porn. I’ve never been interested in porn if a man is in it. My husband and I talked early on about this. I don’t remember how it came up, but I think he knew before I did! We have always talked about women we both find attractive, so when I finally told him I would like to find a woman to have a relationship with he wasn’t surprised at all. I’ve never admitted to anyone else that I have these attractions though. I think a lot of people in my life would be shocked! Mainly because I love having sex. I love having sex with my husband. All of our friends know this about me. I don’t think anyone could ever see me as anything other than straight. So, what do we do? How do we find another married women with kids interested in being with another woman? Lol. Kinda hard to do when we can’t be honest with the people in our life. And you’re right, it’s not something people just bring up at a moms lunch!

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On 10/01/2018 at 0:27 AM, Mztx said:

Possibly build a friendship first then move into other connections.  It’s not easy to build friendships as adults.  Being in any type of relationship is hard at times, even more so when there is more than one person you have a similar relationship with.  I would say just live and your ideal life will work it’s way into your daily life!

I couldn't agree more!

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1 hour ago, contessmed said:

Don’t get me wrong hot women get me going , but I guess I’m looking for more then sex , as we said early a loving friendship , where we can share our lives and have something special on the side . 

Ahh loving friendship. I suppose that's what most women want. Emotional connection is what we yearn more than the physical intimacy. However, if one has breathed the scent of a woman, has felt her softness and tasted her sweetness  before, the yearning for another physical closeness is undeniably there and grows more and more as life goes on. 

Edited by blueberry
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4 minutes ago, zzz_girl said:

For me, it would be to have a relationship with a smart, creative, fun, physically fit person who is a great sex partner for me. I want to be with someone I just crave. Someone I look forward to screwing. I'd like to see this person daily. This someone would also communicate well and often with me.  I'd like to have that and then some how not totally mess up my family. Seems pretty much impossible. I think I'm destined for divorce.

the struggle is real!

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On 29/11/2017 at 7:32 PM, raina2014 said:

I have a similar situation to the OP's ideal, except there are downsides: Extreme distance between us (we'd be lucky to see each other in person twice a year) and husbands who don't know and would be devastated; the guilt sometimes eats away at me.  I long for a life like I experienced in a totally different environment when I met up with my gf last month. My husband likes small-town living and doesn't want to relocate to a more urban area. I feel increasingly stifled in this tiny, homophobic town. However, the ideal aspect of this sort of relationship (for me) is that I finally get to realize the totality of my long-standing strong feelings for women (and for this woman, in particular). I was my true self for the few days I spent with her. I've also come to realize I actually prefer women generally and I'm sitting here taking stock on my marriage. My husband is as wonderful as ever, and has no idea I'm thinking these things. It would be great if I could be content with both relationships equally, but I'm not sure I can. Since I returned home, my heart has been elsewhere.  Oh--and another wave of guilt hit me just now: My husband writes for the local newspaper, and wrote a column about a recent trip we took together, and he mentioned me by name numerous times. 

I have had similar feelings after spending time with my girlfriend. I have a long distance girlfriend that I was able to see twice last year. Her husband knows, mine does not. We met in September for a couple of days and for the three months following that, I really struggled to come to terms with my life. With her I got to experience a little bit of the things I dont have in my real life. New Relationship Energy yes, and "New Life Experience" Energy too  but I also think its a bit of what these people call HOAD. Holiday adjustment disorder. http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/feeling-depressed-its-probably-hoad-1247492.html

It was like I was mourning this other unreal life I would never have for longer than a couple of days at a time. 

At least Ive worked through the feelings of guilt with my therapist before the last visit, so I didn't struggle with that much. But it was a bit surprising to find exactly how deeply a long weekend away can affect you. 

 

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I find myself in a similar situation. My husband and I have some shared interests, but things have diverged for us recently. We've been struggling for the past 14 years to make things work sexually, but we've both had to be honest with eachother, neither one of us has been able to fulfill each others need for emotional connection with sex. I'm not sure that I'm even into men, and the more I try, the more averse I become. He has always felt that something was off, and somehow thought he could do something to change it. Thankfully, since I was able to admit to my attraction to women, he has been very encourageing of me exploring. Unfortunately, he has been diagnosed with PTSD, on top of being disabled and in constant pain, due to a bloodclot in his abdomen. So, now the poor man can't even orgasm without pain. Needless to say sex isn't something he really looks forward to anymore. 

What I really want is a girlfriend who I can go out and have fun with.  FWB is probably what has the potential to actually work, tho. I don't know, my friend tells me not to settle. 

Edited by gamerchic17
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My ideal sitch would be to amicably divorce my husband, remain good friends, share our doggies, and be free to explore a full on relationship with a woman. No FWB, not sneaking around behind our husband's backs, but a proper out in the open, no shame, romantic relationship.

I know if I stay married but find myself a gf it won't work for me. The husband will want his play time outside of the marriage too, which is fair enough, but not something I'm willing to endure, Being a faithful partner by nature, it would feel like cheating to me. Also when I see myself with a woman I don't see myself putting her second to anyone. I'd want to introduce her to my family and friends, and not treat her like my dirty little secret.

Ideally, she would either want children and be willing to consider adoption or IVF, or she'd already have a couple of young kids of her own with a father who is either mature and supportive, or out of the picture entirely. I don't want to deal with psycho exes and 'My Daddy says you're a -insert insult here-'

She could be a lesbian stud, or a trans-woman for all I care, just as long as she's clear on her gender and has the right equipment for me to enjoy. I've been there before with a non-binary romance and while I am not a bigot, I do believe we all have our romantic and sexual boundaries, needs, wants, and desires, and what I want is a woman. A woman that I can comfortably call my girlfriend without pissing her off because I used the wrong pronoun. For any gender queer people that might be reading this, please don't take that the wrong way. I have a lot of love for my non-binary unicorn, it just didn't work for me romantically which was a shame. But it is what it is.

So basically, that would be my ideal. Probably won't happen for a long time yet but I have hope for my forties. I'm only halfway through my thirties, there's still plenty of time for more life changes.

 

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I'm married and in an open relationship with kids. Between work and the kids, it's tough, because I don't really want to spend more time away from them than I already do.

I have a few different "ideals".

1. We are both married with kids. We take them along when we go on dates (as appropriate, obviously). The kids all play together and entertain eachother while we "play" together. We have occasional alone-dates and get-aways. The husbands are aware but not involved. Unless her husband is really hot. Then I might make an exception.

2. I go work in a different city 3 days a week (that part is actually likely to happen). We live together those three days, and then I go back to my family. If our days off coincide, I'll spend an extra day at least sometimes so that we have actual time to do stuff together (however you want to interpret "do stuff"). But I'll still have 3-4 days a week where I'm home with my family without any sort of interruption, which would actually be better than I'm managing now with a 5 day a week job. 

I have a specific person in mind with that last one. I know she'd be happy to have kids around some of the time, too. She's said before that she doesn't want a full-time marriage-type-relationship, so part-time seems ideal for both of us.

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My ideal relationship is to 

1. Continue the awesome relationship o have with my UK based gf. She is amazing and supportive with plans to move for me to australia. Ive had relationships with guys long distance who confessed they liked and loved me. Neither cared or made as much effort as her to celebrate my bday with flowers. Neither would move far away to meet me either. Ive noticed despite their "love" they were egotistic. I told a few of them is of inferior quality to my gf. I want to be legally wedded to my wife. Even if its just a ceremony with us and nature. We are both of south asian background. She is muslim and im hindu so not the most accepting of environments. 

2. A relationship with a guy who understands my gf/wife is my primary relationship. A bi guy in a same sex relationship or gay guy in a couple would suffice. If love and affection develops its good. Otherwise i would mainly seek sperm donors. Ive talked to a few gay and bi guys about it. Some are open and others need to think about it. There is a transgender bi guy and another bi gut recently divorced. Both interested in marriage and know of my gf. but i dont feel that connection i have with my gf.  There is a straight guy who lives ling distance is very feminist friendly and loves hearing about me and my gf. My gf has talked to him once. He may be a potential. My gf is open to me marrying a guy as we are both closeted and have family/cultural issues as long as she is part of my life. 

-basically sperm for children in the future

-they can also carry responsibility of being a parent. Not much to be expected just a presence in the childs life so they know a bit of their genetix makeup.

- for social occasions. They can be ny beard for south asian occasiona or where homophobes abound eg white christian traditional people. Dont want to deal with stress and homophobia pf coming out. Dont want the kids face any issues. 

- schools and other places can be non accepting of gay couples so they would help in getting the child admission. All 3 of us would work out parenting agreements and my gf agreed the child 

- we can have a non legally binding ceremony

- can utilise straight privilege and ise this to promote lgbt rights.

 

 

3. If i end up finding a gau guy but not bi guy for above

-with gf position i can trial a male escort if i have lot of opposite sex desires. It can be made romantic without feelings involved. 

 

 

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