Emeliac

New and confused

33 posts in this topic

Hi, so glad I found this site. I am new obviously and really confused by how I feel towards a particular person. Warning! This is an essay. 

I’ve just started a new job with an accounting firm around May this year. I have a huge crush on a very beautiful, smart, and strong woman. She was my boss's supervisor. I have never been with a woman. Let alone having a feeling for them. But the moment I met her, it was like a love at first sight. She has a smile that can light up the whole room. I was always nervous and awkward around her. There's something about her that I can't really figure out what it is. Like an instant connection... like i have known her for a long time. Maybe she’s just great that way.. making people feel really comfortable around her.

So fast forward. We became close because I often went to an in house training that she ran. We call, chat, email and text all related to work more often eventhough she wasn’t my direct supervisor and she wasn’t suppose to talk to me about work without involving my boss but she did anyway. 

September, she approached me to be her assistant. I was told she liked that I was great at what i did and would love to have me in her team. So i accepted the position and will be promoted after my probation in December. She often requested for me to work in the same project although I had nothing to do with it. Maybe she was just trying to train me to be what she wants me to be (work wise) I don't know. I tried not to read into it too much but she often does things that I can't help but think she might feel the same way. For instance, in a group environment where there were other work colleagues around, she would give me heaps of compliments on my performance, mirror my body language in a meeting, hands and arms brushing when I pass something on to her, long eye contact, often look my way when making jokes or comment about somethinng as if she wanted to see my reaction, I often caught her looking my way from across the room. A few months ago, we went to a conference together (with a handful of other colleagues). We had a bit to drink after dinner so we hopped into a cap. She was sitting next to me with her leg touched mine but she didn't move away although there was room. We went to a bar and she was sitting next to me again, her leg was brushing mine the whole night.

Up to this point, you probably think this is a sure thing. Well, there is a twist! There is someone else, another assistant (she has quite a few). They seem really close. They often spend time together. She would make her a drink without even asking what she likes. They shared food from the same plate and share a bedroom (separate beds) the night we went to a conference. 

We are all married (meaning the other assistant too). She's married to a high school sweetheart and have two children together.

She has always been hot and cold. Sometimes she had made it really clear that she was interested then a week later she announced to the world how much she loves her husband. Sometimes she would announced to the world that she always like a man (while no one accusing her otherwise). Not sure why she brought that up. Often after she'd made a move, she acted really cold toward me the following day. We had a few chances to be alone I thought she would be more chatty and flirty but she went completely cold. I found it really confusing.

I am not sure what she wants from me. I don't know what to do next or how I should behave around her? It's pretty clear that she likes me Intellectually but is that it? Why would someone do that if she just wants me to work for her? 

Edited by Emeliac
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I would tread carefully here. It does sound as though your boss is grooming both you and the other assistant. The comments out of nowhere about liking men suggest she is not comfortable with her sexuality. If anything did happen between the two of you, she would probably insist on keeping it a secret, and have no qualms throwing you under the bus if it did come to light. Starting getting familiar with the relevant HR policies. It's exciting and romantic now, but could turn ugly for you.

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I agree with ChemFem. She's playing games i feel. People who play games can't be trusted in my opinion. Be very carrful. I think she'd stab you in the back if it suited her. Good Luck.

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6 hours ago, ChemFem said:

I would tread carefully here. It does sound as though your boss is grooming both you and the other assistant. The comments out of nowhere about liking men suggest she is not comfortable with her sexuality. If anything did happen between the two of you, she would probably insist on keeping it a secret, and have no qualms throwing you under the bus if it did come to light. Starting getting familiar with the relevant HR policies. It's exciting and romantic now, but could turn ugly for you.

That’s what I thought too. If anything ever happened between us, she would never let it go public. Do you think she was just using me?

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2 hours ago, Vampire said:

I agree with ChemFem. She's playing games i feel. People who play games can't be trusted in my opinion. Be very carrful. I think she'd stab you in the back if it suited her. Good Luck.

I have a friend who has a similar experience. She reckon maybe my boss is still confused. She has a lot at stake (career and family). She’s probably torn between going after what she wants and doing the right thing. Hence, the hot and cold. I’m not sure if that’s the case. 

If she really played games, how do I deal with it?

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5 hours ago, Emeliac said:

I have a friend who has a similar experience. She reckon maybe my boss is still confused. She has a lot at stake (career and family). She’s probably torn between going after what she wants and doing the right thing. Hence, the hot and cold. I’m not sure if that’s the case. 

If she really played games, how do I deal with it?

Maybe let her make the first move. I'd be reluctant to do anything or confront her straight out. It's hard to say. Do any other colleagues notice anything ?Especially the ones that know her more. Time will tell. 

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2 hours ago, Vampire said:

Maybe let her make the first move. I'd be reluctant to do anything or confront her straight out. It's hard to say. Do any other colleagues notice anything ?Especially the ones that know her more. Time will tell. 

No one said anything. I don’t know if anyone suspected anything. But if anyone observed us, they probably can tell that there’s is something. Actually, a colleague, who now moved to a different branch used to make a comment about how intense our eye contacts were. 

I don’t know if the other chick noticed anything. But I noticed the way she caressed her neck and twisted her hair in a meeting room while she was staring at our boss lady. I’m pretty sure it was a flirting sign

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It doesn't sound to me like she's interested romantically.  She may just really like you and be very warm?  Maybe she's interested in women, I dunno, but I wouldn't get too caught up in the idea of anything happening here, just based on what you've posted.

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15 hours ago, BiTriMama said:

It doesn't sound to me like she's interested romantically.  She may just really like you and be very warm?  Maybe she's interested in women, I dunno, but I wouldn't get too caught up in the idea of anything happening here, just based on what you've posted.

Thanks for the comment. You probably have a lot of experience in this regards. You maybe right. When you really like someone, you tend to think/hope that person would feel the same way. So maybe that’s what I did. Only choose to see the thing that i wanna see. 

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1 hour ago, Emeliac said:

Thanks for the comment. You probably have a lot of experience in this regards. You maybe right. When you really like someone, you tend to think/hope that person would feel the same way. So maybe that’s what I did. Only choose to see the thing that i wanna see. 

Oh, I have LOTS of experience with women not being interested!  LOL 

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5 hours ago, BiTriMama said:

Oh, I have LOTS of experience with women not being interested!  LOL 

Lol... sorry that’s not what I meant. I mean, you have lots of experience in terms of dating a woman. 

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12 hours ago, Emeliac said:

Lol... sorry that’s not what I meant. I mean, you have lots of experience in terms of dating a woman. 

No, it's more of what I said!  LOL I do have a GF, but I've only had relationships with 2 women, and both of them said to me VERY plainly that they were interested in me.  Trying to read the subtleties has always just led to disappointment and me reading too much into things.  Too many times it was me hoping there was something more. 

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23 hours ago, BiTriMama said:

No, it's more of what I said!  LOL I do have a GF, but I've only had relationships with 2 women, and both of them said to me VERY plainly that they were interested in me.  Trying to read the subtleties has always just led to disappointment and me reading too much into things.  Too many times it was me hoping there was something more. 

Wow how did you get them to show their feelings? Were you interested in them as well?

i know the subtle signs can be interpreted in so many ways. I like to bite my lip and tuck my hair behind my ear but I wasn’t flirting I did that unconsciously. 

 

Edited by Emeliac
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This sounds like an experience I am still going through years later. Same setup as you with a coworker and she does all the things you mention. I would have put it all down to friendly behaviour but I have another coworker who is gay, who has started with our company recently. She made comment to me the other day about how much my coworker looks at my chest and brings up gay talk. Makes me wonder if she is confused but being married and religious is too scared to do anything about it 

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On 11/22/2017 at 0:42 PM, Emeliac said:

Wow how did you get them to show their feelings? Were you interested in them as well?

i know the subtle signs can be interpreted in so many ways. I like to bite my lip and tuck my hair behind my ear but I wasn’t flirting I did that unconsciously. 

 

I think they both probably got frustrated with me not picking up on the more subtle signs!  LOL  Both of them tend to be pretty blunt in general.  The first and I had history, and there was palpable sexual chemistry, but I wasn't sure if that was only on my end until she said something, so it was an easy yes when she did.  The second tends to be way more shy at first, and it was only our second date when she expressed her interest, kind of going from zero to sixty in the process.  She tried a few flirty comments (I wasn't as sure yet how I felt about her), but I wasn't really biting.  Then she came right out with it.  Ultimately I gave her a shot, and I am really glad I did.

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5 hours ago, Alliebobally said:

I’m totally new to dating girls.. I don’t even know how to go about it or where to meet someone.  Help!

If you have an answer to that, let me know. I’m not far behind 

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So I have an update. Let me know what You guys think. 

I’ve just started a new position. I still have to do a training for a month before I start working in her team. She has been working from home for nearly two weeks now because her son has some health issues. We talked almost every day. Our conversations would go on for 30mn- 1.5hr. On the day we didn’t talk on the phone, we sent messages. We are keeping in touch every day. The content wasn’t all about work. We like to talk about meaningful things, we have a lot in common and our values are align. I can tell from the tone of her voice that she was happy that I called and she's always available for a talk or a chat even how busy she is. We have been a lot closer that she comfortably drank off my glass, eat off my plate, placing her arm next to mine touching like it was nothing. I don't know if I have been delusional or there's something there. She obviously knows that I like her but I don't know if she was just trying to be nice. I'm just a massive nerd who knows how to dress up but when it comes to this sort of things... I have no clue! 

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This sounds better than what I'd originally envisioned. It sounds as though she cares for you as an individual, as opposed to just eye candy. Obviously while her son is having health problems is not the time to start anything though. What is the general culture of your office? Are people generally very affectionate or is this behavior specific to her?

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42 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

This sounds better than what I'd originally envisioned. It sounds as though she cares for you as an individual, as opposed to just eye candy. Obviously while her son is having health problems is not the time to start anything though. What is the general culture of your office? Are people generally very affectionate or is this behavior specific to her?

According to her, she’s not an affectionate person especially to her husband. I have never seen her came in contact with anyone physically. Couple of weeks ago we went out for a drink, it was almost midnight when I got a text from a work colleague. She looked at my phone screen and asked me why did the colleague texted me? she was a bit of a sticky beak I think. This colleague used to ask me out on a drink and my boss accidentally overheard it. 

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Hmmm...seems like she is making an effort to keep in communication with you, and not always about work.  Plus, drinking out of someone's glass, eating off your plate, physical contact with you...that all seems to indicate a more of a comfort level than one would have with just a random coworker.  And seems that it could indicate interest.. Still, I think this could go either way. If I understand correctly she is in a position of authority over you at work? She would know then it is off limits and can get dicey for her to get involved with someone she is supervising. So there is that to consider. Even if she wanted to pursue you, this could hold her back. And honestly even when at an equal level work-wise (me and my ex-gf, we work together)  workplace romance, breakups, ugh...it can just get so messy. And then there is her 'relationship' with this other assistant which also seems a little more than friendly. Some women just thrive on attention, (from women, men, or both)-so this might be something to watch out for.

If you can help it I wouldn't get too invested in her at this point, because there are some mixed signals here. So just protect your heart. :) Easier said than done of course! Take care.

 

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11 hours ago, Firesign12 said:

Hmmm...seems like she is making an effort to keep in communication with you, and not always about work.  Plus, drinking out of someone's glass, eating off your plate, physical contact with you...that all seems to indicate a more of a comfort level than one would have with just a random coworker.  And seems that it could indicate interest.. Still, I think this could go either way. If I understand correctly she is in a position of authority over you at work? She would know then it is off limits and can get dicey for her to get involved with someone she is supervising. So there is that to consider. Even if she wanted to pursue you, this could hold her back. And honestly even when at an equal level work-wise (me and my ex-gf, we work together)  workplace romance, breakups, ugh...it can just get so messy. And then there is her 'relationship' with this other assistant which also seems a little more than friendly. Some women just thrive on attention, (from women, men, or both)-so this might be something to watch out for.

If you can help it I wouldn't get too invested in her at this point, because there are some mixed signals here. So just protect your heart. :) Easier said than done of course! Take care.

 

I know there’s no future there. We might ended up sabotage both of our career. It will impact her the most cause I know how much she loves her job. I only plan to work for this company only three years anyway and she knew that. 

A friend of mine asked what if the feeling is mutual. Would I leave my husband for her? At this point, the answer is definitely a "no". I just love the connection and attraction we have. The kind that, I have never felt with anyone before. I will be devastated if we stopped talking one day. 

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Always be wary about getting involved with someone who wields a fair whack of power and influence over you - whether that's a boss, educator, superior etc. It can work, sometimes, but often the power dynamic just makes it uneven and unstable. In this circumstance, it sounds like she is maybe confused herself, but is definitely using her power in this situation for her own means (e.g. moving 'liked' staff under her direct supervision and arranging conferences together). That would be a major red flag for me - even if her affections were genuine, and just for you (not the other assistant too), could you really be in a true partnership of equals with someone who is so used to directing the world around her to her own way? 

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1 hour ago, Emeliac said:

I know there’s no future there. We might ended up sabotage both of our career. It will impact her the most cause I know how much she loves her job. I only plan to work for this company only three years anyway and she knew that. 

A friend of mine asked what if the feeling is mutual. Would I leave my husband for her? At this point, the answer is definitely a "no". I just love the connection and attraction we have. The kind that, I have never felt with anyone before. I will be devastated if we stopped talking one day. 

So it sounds like you would maybe like a sexual relationship with her?  

I agree with pps about being wary of the dynamic here...she has a lot of power over you due to her position at work.  But knowing that likely won't make your feelings for her go away.  Trying to deny yourself will only make you want her more.  

I apologize if I missed it, but did you say if your hub would be ok with you having a sexual relationship with a woman?

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2 hours ago, FlaGrl08 said:

So it sounds like you would maybe like a sexual relationship with her?  

I agree with pps about being wary of the dynamic here...she has a lot of power over you due to her position at work.  But knowing that likely won't make your feelings for her go away.  Trying to deny yourself will only make you want her more.  

I apologize if I missed it, but did you say if your hub would be ok with you having a sexual relationship with a woman?

To be honest, I don't know if I want a sexual relationship. I admit the thought has crossed my mind although I have never been with a woman... I know I want a romantic relationship but that's also wrong. My husband doesn't know I'm bi. I don't think he will that open minded. He's a great dad but not a loving and caring husband. He moved himself out of our bedroom for a while now. i know he loves me as a person but not sure if we are still in love. I'm good looking, I'm educated and I am a good mum. But I don't know why my husband doesn't find me attractive. I have been trying really hard to make him happy but I just got tired because it seems like I was the only one trying. Getting the attention I'd got from my boss was refreshing. when I said I'm not going to leave my husband, it's just for the sake of my children. 

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So I’ve decided. As much as I love spending time with her, chatting to her and seeing her big beautiful smile, I think it’s best that we draw the line here. I really don’t know if we keep going like this, where this is leading us to. One thing I know for sure is there will be heartbreak. It hurts to love someone you can’t have. 

I just don’t know how to back away without things becoming awkward between us. 

Edited by Emeliac
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