Emeliac

New and confused

33 posts in this topic

Proud of you @Emeliac. I know it can be painful to draw a boundary like that when you're attracted to someone. Nevertheless you are doing the right thing. As you say, there will be heartbreak for sure. It's good you're choosing the heartbreak that won't potentially cost you your job.

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14 hours ago, ChemFem said:

Proud of you @Emeliac. I know it can be painful to draw a boundary like that when you're attracted to someone. Nevertheless you are doing the right thing. As you say, there will be heartbreak for sure. It's good you're choosing the heartbreak that won't potentially cost you your job.

I’m going back to work on Monday. I don’t know if I should talk to her and make it clear that I don’t want us to cross the boundary and maintain our relationship to just work colleagues or should I slowly reducing our contact and limit to just work related without saying a word. The later is hard to do because I am very direct. I say what I want most of the time. I don’t like the guessing game it’s exhausting! What if she said friendship was all she ever wanted. Would that makes things awkward between us?

Edited by Emeliac
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5 hours ago, Emeliac said:

I’m going back to work on Monday. I don’t know if I should talk to her and make it clear that I don’t want us to cross the boundary and maintain our relationship to just work colleagues or should I slowly reducing our contact and limit to just work related without saying a word. The later is hard to do because I am very direct. I say what I want most of the time. I don’t like the guessing game it’s exhausting! What if she said friendship was all she ever wanted. Would that makes things awkward between us?

It might make things awkward initially if she said she just wanted friendship, but ultimately it would mean you're on the same page. I would say hold off on directly speaking to her about it until you are sure of your own feelings. You don't want to have a Big Serious Discussion where you say one thing, only to find the next day you're not so sure about it.

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9 hours ago, Emeliac said:

I’m going back to work on Monday. I don’t know if I should talk to her and make it clear that I don’t want us to cross the boundary and maintain our relationship to just work colleagues or should I slowly reducing our contact and limit to just work related without saying a word. The later is hard to do because I am very direct. I say what I want most of the time. I don’t like the guessing game it’s exhausting! What if she said friendship was all she ever wanted. Would that makes things awkward between us?

 I would let your actions speak for themselves.  I wouldn't have a big discussion about it because it would definitely lead to awkwardness.  

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It was a tough day today. So I started being cold to her and so was she. It was like we were trying to do the same thing. 

It hurts every time i see her knowing i can’t have her. I tried to avoid talking to her or looking at her. I had to force myself to turn my back on her. I cried in my car after I left work. It was such an overwhelming feeling. If this is what it’s going to be like every day then how am I suppose to cope with such painful feeling? 

Edited by Emeliac
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3 hours ago, Emeliac said:

It was a tough day today. So I started being cold to her and so was she. It was like we were trying to do the same thing. 

It hurts every time i see her knowing i can’t have her. I tried to avoid talking to her or looking at her. I had to force myself to turn my back on her. I cried in my car after I left work. It was such an overwhelming feeling. If this is what it’s going to be like every day then how am I suppose to cope with such painful feeling? 

I know exactly how you feel, and it's awful. Pushing someone away when you really like them is painful. I don't know if it gets easier? It might do if you're committed to it, but I don't know. Similar to you I recently made the decision to try to have boundaries with a friend of mine, and I thought the only way for me to get over her was to be cold towards her and push her away. It was really difficult, and like you, I found myself in tears during my journey home because it hurt so much. My behaviour towards her had the desired effect, and it pushed her away. Unfortunately I couldn't last, and as soon as I broke the silence and messaged her, I felt so relieved, and actually happier. 

No matter which way you chose to deal with the situation, it's going to hurt in one way or another. I think it's about choosing whatever option hurts you less. 

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Some people do enjoy being with someone but not necessarily to have “the” relationship. Either they are testing the water and taking things slowly or unsure of what they want while they go with the flow. This is okay. Everyone is entitled to go slow, to be cautious, to be confused at times and retract because it is natural. More often than not, when a person feels secured then she comes out of her shell, gives without being asked and does things in her own volition. I am not sure if she's into you but from your story, she undoubtedly likes your company and cares for you. If she's cold sometimes, it could mean a lot of things and maybe it's got nothing to do with you. If I may ask, what were your expectations during those happy times you’re together? Did you find yourself enjoying what you were having or spending a lot of time thinking on what’s going on? Now, that you’re pushing her away and maybe she’s doing the same thing as a natural reaction to your behaviour, have you tried at least to pause from grieving and evaluate your realistic expectation in the future? In same sex attraction/relationship (I’m talking in general and not just in this specific situation of yours), what do you want? You’re married, so what would you give? What would you want to take from? Having a realistic expectations is a must although these expectations are NOT set in stone -- they are there to KEEP YOU ON TRACK. 

In general speaking, trying to know what’s in someone’s mind is futile and purely a speculation unless you’re good in mind reading. Trying to fix something when there’s nothing to fix is a rather waste of time and energy. Much worse is when one already concludes a bleak and gloomy future when the present is here to come to prove its worth. 

If circumstances change and both of you come into good terms again, I suggest to let things happen naturally. There are things that need no further explanation or confirmation. Sometimes, it is to be able to enjoy what the moment brings in and not worry about what comes next to it. If you can manage to be patient and keep sailing with the wind and not against it, then, perhaps, you’ll find that this journey is not only a risk for heartbreaks but rather something that you embrace and accept as part of living and loving. It's a beautiful journey depending on how you put things in right perspective. If and I hope not but I assure you that you might do (do I make any sense here? lol), get your heart broken, remember to keep in your mind while you are in such emotional turmoil that this is part of life. As life continues, so you must. 

My two cents. :wink:

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When i am with her, i enjoy the moment. We had a lot of laughs and I never wanted the conversation to end. 

This is the first time i tried to push her away and I intend to keep it that way. Whereas before, it was her that has been pushing me away countless times especially after she has shown interest in me or I had shown interest in her. All of the sudden, she stopped responding to my messages and talking to me in a heaps formal way instead of being friendly as usual. It’s confusing really.

To be honest, I am not sure what I really want. I have never been in a relationship with a woman before so I really don’t know what to expect. we are married. I don’t expect her to leave her husband for me and neither will I. I just want to make her happy, I want to be there for her when she needs someone, and I want to know if she felt the same way. I guess what I want is a romantic partner. 

Edited by Emeliac
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