Confusedandmarried

New to this and married

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Hi.....I have no idea where to start....I've been bi-curious for years now I have just been too scared to even talk about it. I'm currently married and my husband has no idea that I am. Actually to be honest.....no one that I know has any idea except for one guy friend who is also bi-curious but its just I don't know where to go from here.......I wanna try but I'm scared idk this is the first time I've really thought about it even though the signs were there that I was bi-curious I just shoved those feelings down deep and they're resurfacing again......I'm done trying to push them down but I'm not done to the point where I want to be public about it 

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Welcome to the site!  If you haven't yet, be sure to check out How Our Forum Works to review the site rules and other helpful posts.

It's tough trying to shove down these feelings, and yeah, they have a way of creeping back up on you, often at the least convenient times!  What keeps you from talking to your husband about your sexuality?  If you're able, I would try to talk about your sexuality before talking about wanting to experiment (though he may ask).  There's a great book called The Ethical Slut by Dossie Eaton (don't be put off by the title!) that I would recommend reading if you want to get out and meet women.

Good luck!

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Thank you.....I just I know how he is and how he would take it (been with him for over 8 years) and it would make me just regret telling him so I would like to avoid that.....and I'll have to look the book up and read it.......so I'm still confused is my thing and I only recently talked to a friend about this so I'm very skiddish about talking about it and I'm normally skiddish about talking to him about personal things as it is.

Edited by Confusedandmarried
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Hi I am in same position also married, also had these feelings for a long time but more so recently but unsure why but have feeling I will regret it if I do not act on it and also scared to tell people but Deff my husband whom I'm been with for past 17 years 

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Yeah I mean I do have support from my one friend but just confused as to what to do.....I know I cannot tell hubby.....I just don't know what to do is all lol I see now I'm very unsure if I'm ready to talk.....I thought I was but I'm just so confused......and scared.......

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Yr lucky to have the one friend I haven't opened up to anyone as yet but have feeling people may know? But may just be me thinking too much 

Edited by Shy cat
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Yeah although the one friend does talk much so idk.....but yeah all these years I've hidden it and it resurfaced hard (privately) but I'm unsure if I even wanna tell anyone else......I have one friend that is bi and is married to a man and has kids so I'm debating on having chat with her soon.

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That sounds like a good opportunity for some reason o do not really know any bi ? They either identify as lesbians or straight? 

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Right lol and yeah that's how it was for me before I met this friend in like 8th grade.....I didn't know it was a form of "normal" to be bi or bi-curious but I still hid it all til now.....I felt dirty and like I shouldn't wanna be involved with a woman like I would with a man......in the late 90's and early 2000's u were either straight or lesbian that was it.....so yeah I'm lucky I do have a couple of friends but one Idk if I trust not to slip up and tell someone else u know?

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Yeah it's the trusting part as don't really want it out there just because I have no idea what I actually want or if I'd want to even explore further etc. Find it hard to trust people in general. Good luck x

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I feel you are scared :) . Yes I just read that you are haha didn't see it earlier. Anyway, I don't think you are so much confused as scared and  little guilty. I don't think about your husband knowing but more about society. 

The key word is acceptance. You love yourself, this is you, accept you as you are even if no one else knows about this part of yourself  :)

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Yes I definitely understand Shy cat for sure that's how I feel......and ty kairi  its just difficult to understand who I am having shoved these feelings down for so long or ignored them I mean its been years of this......over 10

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I shoved them too for years. My experience with a woman was when I was sixteen, now I am 39.I definitely don't trust to open up and talk about anything  but joining here I allowed myself to do just that. Trust strangers that in a weird way I felt more close than people were I live. And this helped me a lot. Of course you can't trust blindly but you can learn more about yourself from everything 

Edited by kairi
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Yeah......I've never had an experience with a woman but I've always been curious and wanted to but at the time it didn't seem "normal" or "right" so I just shoved those feelings down deep for years and I'm 27 now......and yeah I'm not a blindly trusting kind of person.....I've known both of these friends for over 10 years and I was hesitant to tell the one and I'm debating on talking to the female friend although she's like a sister so I'm going to........

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1 hour ago, Shy cat said:

That sounds like a good opportunity for some reason o do not really know any bi ? They either identify as lesbians or straight? 

You might've be surprised.  When I started coming out as bi, I cannot tell you how many people came out back to me!!  I was shocked!  What's more, I was married at the time, and we had a GF, and when I would come out about that, several friends were looking for the same thing!  My point is, a lot of people are bi and into this stuff, but no one talks about it.  The more time you spend here, the more and more you'll see that.

1 hour ago, Confusedandmarried said:

Right lol and yeah that's how it was for me before I met this friend in like 8th grade.....I didn't know it was a form of "normal" to be bi or bi-curious but I still hid it all til now.....I felt dirty and like I shouldn't wanna be involved with a woman like I would with a man......in the late 90's and early 2000's u were either straight or lesbian that was it.....so yeah I'm lucky I do have a couple of friends but one Idk if I trust not to slip up and tell someone else u know?

I would guess some people were bi, but you may not have known about it.  A friend came out to me as bi in the late 90s, and I had never heard of it before.  She had to explain it to me.  I grew up in a small conservative town, as it seems so many of us do.  I was isolated from that kind of stuff, and gay people were perverts.  Well, later I figured out I am one of those perverts.

I would encourage you to keep coming out slowly, at your own pace.  It is a huge weight lifted as you start coming out. Just be careful about dragging others into the closet with you instead.  Likely, your sexuality is a much bigger deal to you than to anyone else.  Your husband may have his own feelings, but that's because he's your spouse.  Give folks some credit. I've generally had way more positive responses than I would expect.

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Yeah I just know him and he would just make me regret telling him because I honestly don't want him involved........he's ignorant and trying to talk to him about anything is a lost cause please trust me on that one........I've known him for 12 years or so......and so far only one person knows.....might end up being 2 soon but for me its more than enough......the way he is idk if I'll ever tell him........

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9 minutes ago, Confusedandmarried said:

Yeah I just know him and he would just make me regret telling him because I honestly don't want him involved........he's ignorant and trying to talk to him about anything is a lost cause please trust me on that one........I've known him for 12 years or so......and so far only one person knows.....might end up being 2 soon but for me its more than enough......the way he is idk if I'll ever tell him........

It's OK. Who you tell, when and if it's up to you. You know the people around you :) Here we are trying to help you with our honest advice  but in the end you will keep what you want from all this and decide what to do. 

My husband doesn't know either and it's my choice and I am OK with that 

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Hopefully Shy's can be a safe space for you so you feel like you have some people to confide in. :)

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24 minutes ago, Confusedandmarried said:

Yeah I just know him and he would just make me regret telling him because I honestly don't want him involved........he's ignorant and trying to talk to him about anything is a lost cause please trust me on that one........I've known him for 12 years or so......and so far only one person knows.....might end up being 2 soon but for me its more than enough......the way he is idk if I'll ever tell him........

Can I ask, sexuality aside, how is it being married to someone you can't talk to?  You mentioned earlier in this thread that he's hard to talk to about anything emotional.  I was once in a marriage like that, and I will never be again.  My ex-husband would make me feel so awful sometimes.

I refuse to ever be in a relationship again where I don't feel safe talking about the hard stuff.  I'm dating an amazing woman now, and it's such a relief being with someone who will hear me when I have to say something I doubt she wants to hear, and will love me through it, and vice versa.  No more walking on eggshells.

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Yeah things usually end up in an argument.......lately if I talk to him about stuff its only normal every day things not anything like that......and yes I understand.....it is rough but I've dealt with it for all this time and yeah see I wouldn't be able to have a public gf BC of him and we have zero kids

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2 hours ago, kairi said:

The key word is acceptance. You love yourself, this is you, accept you as you are even if no one else knows about this part of yourself  :)

Once you reach that stage that you accept and love yourself 100%, then, what others think about you won't matter anymore. You will feel so free. Having said that, while you are new in this journey, it's still wise to choose who you come out to. You don't want to be in an environment where your spirit will be battered and broken down. You need a safe and supportive place. You need open-minded people. It's okay to be scared. That's perfectly normal and healthy. What you don't want is that fear to eat you and drag you down to depression. It's okay if you cannot talk to your husband about your sexuality for now. However, bear in your mind, that one day you may have to so prepare yourself but don't be too anxious about it. One step at a time. I hope that you'll find yourself free one day. 

Edited by blueberry
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Hi!

welcome to shybi! As others have said, this site is an incredible supportive place to ask for advice or just let your emotions out because we will be honest with you, obviously not rude, but we won’t sugar coat things either. 

In regards to keeping this from your husband, as others have said, it is your choice who you tell and when but in my opinion, even if you don’t do it anytime soon, I think you should tell him eventually because if he’s how you say, he might see you keeping this from him as lying, which could make things worse for you in the long run. That’s just how I see it but I completely get that you’re scared and confused. I realized I was bi at the beginning of this month, so my family doesn’t even know yet but my close friends do.

best of luck!

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Tbh I don't plan on staying with him all that much longer like I've been trying to make things work but seems as if he's too selfish to care......right now I'm just wanting to be able to talk and not be automatically judged.....which here is perfect and my husbands aunt was very rude about ppl being bi (idk how they got on the subject BC I wasn't talking at all and she doesn't know me all that well) and at the time I was still struggling with it and realized her being rude upset me but I hid it

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Thank you everyone for being so sweet, nice and understanding :) I already feel lighter and happier knowing I've got such great women here to talk to and help with my journey.......I'm gonna talk to my best friend soon......I'll be home alone

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3 hours ago, blueberry said:

Once you reach that stage that you accept and love yourself 100%, then, what others think about you won't matter anymore. You will feel so free. Having said that, while you are new in this journey, it's still wise to choose who you come out to. You don't want to be in an environment where your spirit will be battered and broken down. You need a safe and supportive place. You need open-minded people. It's okay to be scared. That's perfectly normal and healthy. What you don't want is that fear to eat you and drag you down to depression. It's okay if you cannot talk to your husband about your sexuality for now. However, bear in your mind, that one day you may have to so prepare yourself but don't be too anxious about it. One step at a time. I hope that you'll find yourself free one day. 

That's why I don't wanna tell my husband BC I can for see him breaking me down and belittling me......ty all so much I'm going to be very careful whom I talk to in my personal life.....

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