lovelace

Being a femme bisexual woman.

89 posts in this topic

No one knows I'm bisexual, perhaps a few wouldn't be surprised if I was but I feel pretty invisible. I love makeup, softly spoken, love wearing mini skirts/dresses but I'm more of a doc martens/chunky boots kinda gal than stilettos; (can't walk in them to save my life).  

It's not like I want to wear a flashing top everyday saying "Bisexual Woman" across it, but I sometimes wish people wouldn't assume I'm straight, especially since I don't even speak about relationships/dating much and if the topic does come up I always use 'they' or 'people' instead of 'him/her' or 'men/women'. Which is how my mother sussed I am bi, though she is accepting we have never spoken about my sexuality. 

This year I've fantasised about relationships with women more so than men, where as before it was the other way around and I'd think about women only in a sexual way rather than romantic. I can't see myself being in a relationship anytime soon but if I had to choose it'd be with another woman. 

I suppose I have to start going to bi meetups/events in my area as I can't stand online dating! 

What's your experience with being a bi femme? 

 

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 I'm in between femme and butch, and I'm married to a man, so I fall into a black hole. I'm trying to psychologically put myself out there more. Making eye contact with women, etc. It's not easy as I'm rarely alone, but either with my kids and/or husband. 

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I'm soft butch, a bit of a piggy in the middle. I hate dresses. I never looked good in them I guess. Tops and skirts were my thing in my 20's then I had kids. I've always been a jeans girl at heart.  No Makeup, just short, clean nails to. I'm just your straight forward, straight to the point, easy going Aussie girl. I'm attracted to women similar to. Not too Femme  but not too Butch. 

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Soft butch/stud femme/whatever's in the middle of the road

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I’m beginning to put myself in the ‘femme’ catagory it suits my nature and makes sense according to the more butch women I often find attractive. It also explains why I have never been attracted to my peer group friends who were all straight and girly/giggly like me. It also explains why, in my life, I have and still do, much to my frustration, attract more men than women. Women these days like to consider they are on an equal par with their partners and a lot consider the butch femme thing to be outdated but then I am just an old fashioned lady. My experience of being femme bi is that when I once told my best friend that I was bisexual she simply did not believe it of me. Whilst on the internet recently I came across a group in America for bi femme women to meet butch women, if there was such a group in the UK I might just find the energy to shyly walk-in and hope a butch women would hit on me. Well, a femme lady can dream can’t she?

Edited by myladylove
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I'd say I'm femme, I wear makeup every day, I love to get glamorous for a special occasion, hair done dress and heels etc but then I love my NB's and converse and jeans too... but still with makeup and hair done haha, I'm married with a family  and no one knows apart from the lady I had a relationship with before I met my husband... obviously 

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Oh, labels, labels...how I hate them!

In my experience, most bisexual and lesbian women are a combination of 'feminine' and 'masculine', and often unorthodox or non-conformist in various ways.

Still, to this day (most recently in California, of all places, in July), people express surprise when I tell them I have a female partner, but only if they don't know me at all...because I am petite, have very long hair, and wear make-up, lots of jewellery, and sometimes 'feminine' clothes.

C'mon folks - are we really still totally stuck on stereotypes in 2017?!!!

Edited by BenedettaC
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24 minutes ago, BenedettaC said:

Oh, labels, labels...how I hate them!

In my experience, most bisexual and lesbian women are a combination of 'feminine' and 'masculine', and often unorthodox or non-conformist in various ways.

Still, to this day (most recently in California, of all places, in July), people express surprise when I tell them I have a female partner, but only if they don't know me at all...because I am petite, have very long hair, and wear make-up, lots of jewellery, and sometimes 'feminine' clothes. C'mon folks - are we really still totally stuck on stereotypes in 2017?!!!

I hear you. I think of it like this, nobody is gonna know unless I tell them. I've never had anyone assume my sexualiy and personally I think that's a good thing, it shouldn't matter anyway. That said I did have this weird spike of jealousy towards the end of college when more butch women, seemed to be fairing better with women because they were easier to identify. But with time and age, I don't think there should be boundaries or markers that guide us, honestly if you like someone go talk to them and see how you get along! I've had my most organic relationships that way and I feel like you should use dating apps the same way.

I will say a lot of women tend to think I'm a bit of a princess when they first meet me but they quickly realize that I'm perfectly capable and the fact that I dress a certain way etc doesn't mean that I can't have all sorts of interests and facets to my personality. 

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I got called a feminine tomboy the other day.  How's that for a label @BenedettaC?:D

But I think it describes me quite well actually. A little mixture of both. Long hair, make up always done. I dress comfortably, wear what I want, not what the magazine's say I should be wearing, (although this winter I'm totally rocking the combat boots!)

I wouldn't know what the giveaway looks of a lesbian or bi woman were anyway. It's more of a quality isn't it? The few people I've told were surprised at first but then were like "yeah, that makes sense, you're way too good at diy!" So clearly nothing to do with how I look!

Best to switch your gaydar on and not rely on signs, I think. And the same with projection. The day of stereotypes has somewhat gone now. People are more comfortable having a little individuality and being themselves, rather than what other people think they should be. So its hard to tell and the only way of letting people know is to be vocal about it. 

Edited by lsroses
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1 hour ago, BenedettaC said:

Oh, labels, labels...how I hate them!

In my experience, most bisexual and lesbian women are a combination of 'feminine' and 'masculine', and often unorthodox or non-conformist in various ways.

Still, to this day (most recently in California, of all places, in July), people express surprise when I tell them I have a female partner, but only if they don't know me at all...because I am petite, have very long hair, and wear make-up, lots of jewellery, and sometimes 'feminine' clothes.

C'mon folks - are we really still totally stuck on stereotypes in 2017?!!!

Yes! What she said! I hate when people try to put me in a box, so I try really hard never to put anyone else in a box.

I'm a woman. I like to feel beautiful. I like to feel strong. I love to nurture others and I like being pampered. I love yelling during sports. Sometimes I do up my hair and make-up, but I usually go all natural. I wear clothes that make me feel sexy, and I wear clothes that are all about comfort.  At no point do I want to be a man, but I'm not hating the strap-on, LOL!

Unfortunately, it is difficult to find other women who are into women without putting up a neon sign, but isn't that the fun of it?  Making eye contact, watching body language, and getting the nerve to make contact. You don't always get it right, but isn't it exciting to put yourself out there a little bit?

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I don’t think butch women want to be men rather they are strong and protective towards their femmes. It’s like a kind of role play but both partners are happy to be women. The swagger and the personality are what do it for me. They are naturally attractive without make up but well groomed clean and personable. I don’t know it’s hard to explain, it’s just something that draws me in. It’s just a meeting of minds, chemistry, all the usual mystical things that from time to time attracts one human being to another. Maybe it’s a need within us at that moment.

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2 hours ago, myladylove said:

I don’t think butch women want to be men rather they are strong and protective towards their femmes. It’s like a kind of role play but both partners are happy to be women. The swagger and the personality are what do it for me. They are naturally attractive without make up but well groomed clean and personable. I don’t know it’s hard to explain, it’s just something that draws me in. It’s just a meeting of minds, chemistry, all the usual mystical things that from time to time attracts one human being to another. Maybe it’s a need within us at that moment.

This is true for the most part but I have also met women who if it was easier to do they'd like the male appendage and assume their giving role with a strap and there's nothing wrong with that, it's a jaded stereotype. Plus most of the butch women I know are as soft and loving as they come. I don't necessarily like relationships with defined roles or the idea that as a feminine woman you can't be all the other diverse things that many of the ladies have mentioned above.

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It’s true, that’s the wonderful dynamic of them, strong with a soft centre, bit like the favourite chocolate in the box. Love ‘em.

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3 hours ago, myladylove said:

It’s true, that’s the wonderful dynamic of them, strong with a soft centre, bit like the favourite chocolate in the box. Love ‘em.

Mmm chocolate covered butches...

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Physically I'm probably as femme as it gets, at least most days... I don't think anyone suspects I'm bi. I kinda wish that wasn't the case though! I'd love to be able to meet other bi women more naturally.

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11 hours ago, BenedettaC said:

Oh, labels, labels...how I hate them!

In my experience, most bisexual and lesbian women are a combination of 'feminine' and 'masculine', and often unorthodox or non-conformist in various ways.

Still, to this day (most recently in California, of all places, in July), people express surprise when I tell them I have a female partner, but only if they don't know me at all...because I am petite, have very long hair, and wear make-up, lots of jewellery, and sometimes 'feminine' clothes.

C'mon folks - are we really still totally stuck on stereotypes in 2017?!!!

I don't like to stick labels but it's the only way to describe to others my personal experience with navigating through the queer community. Because we live in a heteronormative society most people assume you're straight when you're actually femme. 

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1 hour ago, BellaLuna said:

Physically I'm probably as femme as it gets, at least most days... I don't think anyone suspects I'm bi. I kinda wish that wasn't the case though! I'd love to be able to meet other bi women more naturally.

Me too! I'm introverted so going to meet ups alone kinda freaks me out too. 

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16 hours ago, myladylove said:

I’m beginning to put myself in the ‘femme’ catagory it suits my nature and makes sense according to the more butch women I often find attractive. It also explains why I have never been attracted to my peer group friends who were all straight and girly/giggly like me. It also explains why, in my life, I have and still do, much to my frustration, attract more men than women. Women these days like to consider they are on an equal par with their partners and a lot consider the butch femme thing to be outdated but then I am just an old fashioned lady. My experience of being femme bi is that when I once told my best friend that I was bisexual she simply did not believe it of me. Whilst on the internet recently I came across a group in America for bi femme women to meet butch women, if there was such a group in the UK I might just find the energy to shyly walk-in and hope a butch women would hit on me. Well, a femme lady can dream can’t she?

I think there may be groups like that in London or Brighton! If you're ever near by or live in those areas you could check them out... Perhaps there are even Facebook groups?... 

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21 hours ago, N00Bi said:

 I'm in between femme and butch, and I'm married to a man, so I fall into a black hole. I'm trying to psychologically put myself out there more. Making eye contact with women, etc. It's not easy as I'm rarely alone, but either with my kids and/or husband. 

Do your husband or children know? Do you think meeting others will help you feel more part of the community? 

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20 hours ago, Vampire said:

I'm soft butch, a bit of a piggy in the middle. I hate dresses. I never looked good in them I guess. Tops and skirts were my thing in my 20's then I had kids. I've always been a jeans girl at heart.  No Makeup, just short, clean nails to. I'm just your straight forward, straight to the point, easy going Aussie girl. I'm attracted to women similar to. Not too Femme  but not too Butch. 

I read a funny blog post; 'how to know if a girl likes girls', and one of the points were that they keep their nails short and clean xD it makes sense but obviously it's more hygienic in general. I always cut my nails! 

Edited by lovelace
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I also consider myself a femme bisexual, although I am married to a man and I don't think anyone around my small town would suspect any orientation other than 'straight'. I do try to use some subtle signifiers like an asymmetrical haircut, and I wear flannel and Converse a lot for a sort of 'tomboy femme' look. Still, in a rural community, women wearing flannel isn't unusual. 

I do have dresses, but only very rarely wear them. My go-to look is a plaid or flannel shirt, jeans, and Converse, Vans, or boots. Sometimes a leather jacket. If I'm feeling dressy, I would wear a nice sweater or a blazer with a neck scarf.

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11 hours ago, Hungry said:

I hear you. I think of it like this, nobody is gonna know unless I tell them. I've never had anyone assume my sexualiy and personally I think that's a good thing, it shouldn't matter anyway. That said I did have this weird spike of jealousy towards the end of college when more butch women, seemed to be fairing better with women because they were easier to identify. But with time and age, I don't think there should be boundaries or markers that guide us, honestly if you like someone go talk to them and see how you get along! I've had my most organic relationships that way and I feel like you should use dating apps the same way.

I will say a lot of women tend to think I'm a bit of a princess when they first meet me but they quickly realize that I'm perfectly capable and the fact that I dress a certain way etc doesn't mean that I can't have all sorts of interests and facets to my personality. 

I don't assume people's sexuality but there's sometimes this 'what if she's not into women' voice in the back of my head. In the past - present I've just let friendships happen organically, I'm not a pushy or forward person and I don't see my friends in a romantic/sexual hence why my friendships with women stay platonic! 

With men however they've always tried to pursue romantic relationships and then couldn't resume back to friendship. That's why the only male friends I have now are either gay or colleagues lol

I feel like dating apps aren't for me, from experience some of the people I met had an online persona which was completely different from how they were in person. Some would even lie! Hence why I avoid it and would rather do group activities/meetup (I've met some amazing people at meetups) 

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32 minutes ago, lovelace said:

Do your husband or children know? Do you think meeting others will help you feel more part of the community? 

Yep. They know. I would like to have some friends in the community. I have a few bisexual friends, but not ones who are interested in/able to act on it. Well, there is one maybe.....

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2 hours ago, lovelace said:

I read a funny blog post; 'how to know if a girl likes girls', and one of the points were that they keep their nails short and clean xD it makes sense but obviously it's more hygienic in general. I always cut my nails! 

I'm a bit of a grot, I get in the garden, doing thing outside so my nails get dirty. I'ts easier to keep them short. I play guitar a bit, only a bit, so the nails on the left hand has to be short. The right hand, I'll leave that to your imagination, lol 

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2 hours ago, lovelace said:

I read a funny blog post; 'how to know if a girl likes girls', and one of the points were that they keep their nails short and clean xD it makes sense but obviously it's more hygienic in general. I always cut my nails! 

That's a tricky one tho. I think it depends on the type of work you do. Adds to the mystery of whether she is Bi, Gay or Straight. I also work in Aged Care. Mostly domestic duties. Have gloves on and off all day, (The only latex I get to use unfortunately), lol, Vacuuming, mopping, making beds etc, would be breaking nails every day. Not sure if that would be a dead giveaway. All my colleagues have short nails to. All are as straight a power poles. :nono:

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