annak

Ghosted. Has it happened to you?

25 posts in this topic

Poof! Gone with no explanation. What?? I had a friend, or at least I thought... I had a great conversational relationship with this woman for about a year. We spoke at least once a week, email and texted each other often. She lived very far away and at the time, we were both married to our mutual spouses. She still living with hers, I was separated. Neither of us were "out"  in any form within our personal lives. I had experiences, she had not. The majority of our conversations were about ourselves, our families, our jobs and yes... at times convos were very naughty;) We considered ourselves friends. We were able to talk about the things we really couldn't with anyone else. Just before she vanished, she had expressed she was sure no matter how much she wanted to be with a woman, she knew she probably wouldn't. I respected that, but I didn't take it as bye just due to the fact we would probably never physically be together. That wasn't what  "us" was about. There was no decision to stop talking, as one would probably do given the time. One day talk, the next day nothing! She stopped answering any communication. I didn't chase her, but I wanted to make sure she was ok. After a week, I stopped trying to reach her. A year later, she emails me an apology, "I'm sorry" was all it said. I told her I missed our discussions and I was sorry she chose to leave in that manner. I was ok with her choice, it just could have been a more respectful exit. Hoped she was good. Nothing. Have never heard from her again. Has this ever happened to anyone else? Short term / long term friendship, romantic relationship or sexual relationship? It really bothered me. Maybe it still does. Maybe that's really why it's called Ghosting.  

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Man, that sounds painful.  I've had very short term version of this, like talking for a few weeks and then vanishing (and things are actually going pretty well with no signs or red flags for ending), but never over years.

I'd be bothered, too.

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I had this happen in real life with someone who was a friend for about a year and a half, was intertwined with my family, hung out with all of us, came to parties where we had similar acquaintances, and hung out in similar circles, we went on a long weekend trip together, just the two

of us. We texted or talked on the phone daily, hung out a couple of times a week, did a hobby together in a larger group.

I told her I had feelings for her. She seemed to take it well, said all the right things, but started acting more and more distant. When I flat out called her out on it she said she needed time. I gave her 2-3 weeks and then checked up on her and she acted like I was the biggest stalker/weirdo. Have gotten one text message from her since, tellIng me her baby will be a girl and that’s it. It’s been over a year.

so I know how you feel somewhat. Makes you question your sanity. Makes you question a lot of things about yourself.

but in the end, it was a decision she took to act the way she did. She is the one with issues. Who knows why or what those are. All I can say is for me it sent me on a quest to find out more about myself. Including joining this site and many other things all of which has been very helpful and enlightening. It’s helped me feel much more in touch with who I am and what I want.

so in that sense it was worth it! For me anyway.

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That really sucks. I am currently getting the silent treatment from someone. At this point it might be mutual. I am not going to write to him again until he writes to me. He was not responding and being a jackass of a friend/ ex-lover /something. It hurts a lot. It has been almost a month now and this is the longest we've gone this year without talking and he knows it hurts me. He is doing this on purpose now. Which helps me get over him. And even if he isn't doing it on purpose, and for some odd reason he hasn't had one single thought about me in the past month even after I texted him, then that's not good for our friendship, either. I am moving on. I think. I'm trying.

And this is a lifelong friend who is being a terrible long distance friend and a terrible semi -ex.

Edited by N00Bi
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Oh yes!! I am not going to write many details but we were talking every day, almost all day for about a year. I had spent a lot of sleepless nights because of time difference just to talk with her. One day she just wrote I am going to talk to a family member and I'll message you in about an hour and that was it! She wasn't answering in my messages. Then deleted me from everywhere. I hate assuming and this was driving me crazy haha. Tho my difference with every one else is that I knew she was hurting and she had regretted it too and this was driving me even crazier :P

Edited by kairi
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Yeah...I have.  Got to really know the person intimately...And then they just go... without a word.  I reach out...and they just ignore.  That was a while ago...and I'm glad that person isn't in my life anymore.  I found that I deserved better than them and they really didn't deserve to have me in their life at all.  No one deserves to be treated like that.

 

It's initially painful...but moving on is something that has to be done in situations like that.

Edited by Athena423
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Yep. I finally told myself yesterday or the day before that he doesn't deserve my close friendship. He'll never be out of my life, but I had to stop trying to force us to be closer than was naturally occurring. I was acting desperate and putting in all the work. So now I'm not. 

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I've been ghosted and also have ghosted myself..

When i was ghosted, one time was by a friend who would make plans to do stuff with me and then i would be waiting on her for awhile and she would never show up or respond when I would call or text her to find out what was going on. 

I have ghosted people before when i know that talking to them isn't going to get me anywhere..

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Yea it's gone both ways for me too. It seems to be a pretty common occurrence especially in this realm I've found since dating / exploring with women on a consistent basis. Even with that knowledge, when it happens, it doesn't make it any easier as it still is such a shock. Most times it's coming outta no where, no warning leaving you...:huh:

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Thanks for sharing everyone. I appreciate the candor.

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This really bugs me...I haven’t experienced this personally but I’ve spoken to others you have, and I really can’t wrap my head around why anyone would just vanish like that...with no explanation, no closure...I just don’t get it. Why leave the other person with so many unanswered questions? If they want to run for their own reasons, well that’s their decision and their right...but is it really that hard to give a quick explanation before making an exit?

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23 minutes ago, Cute&Curious said:

This really bugs me...I haven’t experienced this personally but I’ve spoken to others you have, and I really can’t wrap my head around why anyone would just vanish like that...with no explanation, no closure...I just don’t get it. Why leave the other person with so many unanswered questions? If they want to run for their own reasons, well that’s their decision and their right...but is it really that hard to give a quick explanation before making an exit?

Playing devil's advocate here, ghosting does not always start out conscious. At first it's just a general discomfort talking to someone and focusing on other things. After a certain point though it becomes embarrassing to contact someone after a long silence, and for all you know may reopen old wounds. However as I have seen discussions of it on this site I have become more aware of not doing it.

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2 hours ago, Cute&Curious said:

This really bugs me...I haven’t experienced this personally but I’ve spoken to others you have, and I really can’t wrap my head around why anyone would just vanish like that...with no explanation, no closure...I just don’t get it. Why leave the other person with so many unanswered questions? If they want to run for their own reasons, well that’s their decision and their right...but is it really that hard to give a quick explanation before making an exit?

I am wondering this myself. Not knowing why killed me. I am a little dramatic  but I am Greek :P

There is no excuse for leaving like this. Those persons are not trustworthy. We don't understand it because we would never do something like that.

I don't trust easily and i trusted her with very personal information . I made the mistake to talk to my husband and relatives about her because living in this small Greek town and talking on the phone with someone when they are used in a certain behavior from you is a big deal.It was a small win for me but when she dissapeard I felt so embarrassed because despite their warnings to not trust someone I haven't met I did it and this would prove them right and my small win would be for nothing.  Being able to do what I can do and feel, certainly doesnot help, it's a stupidity sometimes. 

 

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I've wondered so much about this topic with my crush I've had for a few years now. Some of you remember "shy signals" ...yeah still crushing here lol. We still talk but the weird thing is after I expressed that I'm into her, it got distant, and then all of a sudden the chats and emails at work disappeared. so for a while after I tried to ignore it. then I figured something else after she'd say hi here and there in person. the past few months, I've gone up to her cubicle at work to talk to her. she talks then, but today, presently, we still don't talk virtually at work. It looks like she either blocked me on chat, or have settings to where I can't message her or see her status. and emails....based upon a read receipt settings...she deletes them without reading. but then like yesterday, she talked to me so normal and friendly when I went to her desk. It's odd, but I guess it's better that she talks to me in person? so in a way, ghosted, but not. It's frustrating at times.

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Yep. A few times actually and it stings. I just chalk it to up to some people not being great communicators. :( At the same time though, it's incredibly immature and hurtful. I just try to focus on the fact that it's probably a good thing that they did it, since they're obviously not trustworthy. 

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It has now been over a month since I've heard from Other Guy. It's not as raw, and i figure it's obvious that we're not what the other one wants or needs right now, but I still miss my friend. I'm sad still. 

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47 minutes ago, N00Bi said:

It has now been over a month since I've heard from Other Guy. It's not as raw, and i figure it's obvious that we're not what the other one wants or needs right now, but I still miss my friend. I'm sad still. 

I'm sorry. :( It's been almost the same time since mine ghosted me...I'm still raw though. I know a relationship or even friendship with her would not be healthy, but I can't help missing her still.

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I experienced this with my closest female friend at college (in the days before texting and e-mailing) when she finally fully realized that I was bisexual, because after we graduated, I spelled it out for her. Don't ask me how she spent four years hanging out with me, day in and day out, and not understanding that I was having sexual/romantic relationships with women. Maybe she was just extremely naive, and was thrown by the fact that I had various boyfriends too. I never discussed my sexuality with her, because I thought she might not be able to handle it, but I didn't hide anything from her either...and she actually met all of my girlfriends during those years!

So, one day, after I had moved to NYC, she came into the city, to spend the weekend with me in the loft that I had just moved into...and she told me that another friend of hers had recently left her boyfriend for a woman, and expressed shock and horror that she had turned out to be a lesbian (as she interpreted her sexuality). I was rather mystified that she was making homophobic comments to me, so asked her why she had a problem with her other friend's choice of lover, and her sexuality, and she said, 'God, I can't believe that she has sex with women... It makes me feel sick!' To which I replied, 'Well, in case you haven't noticed, I too have sex with women!" After expressing yet more shock and horror, she then moved away from me, as if I might jump her at any given moment, and continued to behave weirdly for the rest of the weekend, staying at arm's length, and not touching me (as she previously had, constantly), and hiding in the corner when she changed her clothes (the loft had no rooms or partitions) in case I lost control of myself and decided to ravish her. 

On Sunday evening, she bid me farewell, and then...as @annak put it so well...poof!  My close friend was gone, as if she had never existed. I didn't hear from her again until 8 years later...when she came to London to visit a mutual friend of ours (also from college), and he decided to surprise (and torture) her by inviting me to dinner (he came out as gay about 10 years later)...and she behaved as if she hadn't previously ghosted me at all.... After that, she didn't seem to have a problem with my sexuality, but I chose not to bother with her any longer.

My theory is that she knew very well that I was bisexual before her other friend came out, but that she fancied the other friend and became consumed with jealously when she started dating a woman, so imploded in a fit of homophobia, which she then took out on me. I shrugged it off at the time, but I can tell you that it was very painful to be treated that way by someone I considered to be a close friend. As far as I'm concerned, there is really no excuse for that type of behaviour. 

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That's awful,  @BenedettaC

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Yeah, it really is. She sounds like a terrible friend anyway...it's  probably a good thing that she's not in your life anymore.

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I believe that it's easier to be done when it's online. I certainly can't do it because I value the people I decide to open up even if it's online as weird or crazy as this might look to some .

I thought of it a lot when she dissappeared, you can't see it or touch it so it's not real, right? It doesn't hurt!! Well, I am real, with real emotions behind that f... ng screen and through that phone!! 

Took me months to get over the rejection and trust again that everyone is not the same(I have my own opinion in this but I won't say it)

Of course I understand that shit happens and sometimes you just can't continue but there is no excuse leaving someone without an explanation even if you think they won't understand. 

Edited by kairi
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14 hours ago, N00Bi said:

That's awful,  @BenedettaC

It really was! If the truth be told, it actually took me years to get over it, and made me much more reluctant to trust people. 

Homophobia is a terrible thing, and combined together with ghosting, it's completely horrendous and really messes with your head. 

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12 hours ago, BellaLuna said:

Yeah, it really is. She sounds like a terrible friend anyway...it's  probably a good thing that she's not in your life anymore.

The truly bizarre thing is that, up to that point, she was a very good and reliable friend. That's what really messed with my head. 

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8 hours ago, kairi said:

 

I thought of it a lot when she dissappeared, you can't see it or touch it so it's not real, right? It doesn't hurt!! Well, I am real, with real emotions behind that f... ng screen and through that phone!! 

Yes, the virtual/remote relationship ghosters would do well to take this onboard. 

8 hours ago, kairi said:

Of course I understand that shit happens and sometimes you just can't continue but there is no excuse leaving someone without an explanation even if you think they won't understand. 

Absolutely! 

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I kinda feel bad for the ghosters. And I can only say this many years later. But I think they just don’t know how to deal with their emotions. And they end up hurting people who they obviously have some very confusing emotions towards.

if you just didn’t give a crap, but have proven to be a generally polite person, why would you act that way? Why wouldn’t you try to do the polite thing if you had no emotions of your own at play. It wouldn’t cost you anything....to just say goodbye or tell the person you don’t wanna be friends anymore... or whatever. That’s only uncomfortable if you do care in some way. Otherwise it’s just another conversation....

or.... you are just not a very nice person to begin with.

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