annak

I'm what? Thank you for my label???

33 posts in this topic

This is so relevant to a discussion I had this week...

Started talking to this woman on Tinder a while ago. Somehow we got to topic about who I had dated. I said I fell somewhere in the bisexual range, and then I felt like she grilled me a little. When I said I had this long complicated history with a man, she jumped to the conclusion that I was 75% hetero. If you want to be so linear, and just distinguish between two different directions of attraction: men and women. I dated women for about 3-5 years I'd say and had a full variety of experiences, so I think my emotional development in relationships with women is pretty even with my emotional development with men. So I'm not a bicurious woman fantasizing about women. But I did feel put on the spot, like I had to prove something. She said she had slept with more women than me, and then said she had sex with 50+ people. That's over twice as many people as I've had sex with total. I don't think it makes her a super lesbian.

But I didn't feel ANY room at all for me to be more fluid than that. I didn't feel accepted or equal or able to talk about my relationships with men as equally as valid as my relationships with women.

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If someone leads by asking the number of your previous partners that's a bad sign.

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38 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

If someone leads by asking the number of your previous partners that's a bad sign.

I agree if you've slept with a handful/relationships then it's totally understandable that you know. But beyond your fingers it's gotta be a red flag. I understand people asking how you identify if they're looking to date you, but nobody should be telling you what you are, I'd pay no mind to that.

Also being middle of the road bi or married/divorced with a man does make it tricky and a little bit pressurized if you want to go to lesbian meetups etc. All you can do is be yourself and take a chance, you're also promoting visibility and understanding which is good thing regardless of how it goes.

Edited by Hungry
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I attend two different Lez meet-ups, both are in separate counties..one two hours north of me, the other two hours south of me.  So far I only know of one woman (who is now a close friend) who has never been with a man in all her 60+ years on this planet!  Another woman I friended says she is really a heterosexual in a relationship with another woman who she considers marrying when her gf moves to this country.

Everyone else in both groups have either dated, or been married to men before.  Some consider themselves bi or queer, while some like me identify as lesbian but all are welcome as women who love women.

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23 hours ago, Hungry said:

I agree if you've slept with a handful/relationships then it's totally understandable that you know. But beyond your fingers it's gotta be a red flag. I understand people asking how you identify if they're looking to date you, but nobody should be telling you what you are, I'd pay no mind to that.

Also being middle of the road bi or married/divorced with a man does make it tricky and a little bit pressurized if you want to go to lesbian meetups etc. All you can do is be yourself and take a chance, you're also promoting visibility and understanding which is good thing regardless of how it goes.

She didn't lead with that. She brought it up further into the discussion. Not sure what you mean by red flag. I think there is obviously an experience difference between someone who has only had a few long term committed relationship sexual experiences and someone who has had more partners which maybe weren't always with people that close. But my last boyfriend had FAR more experience than me, and it wasn't really an issue. I think if people just own their insecurities, it really all goes away.

The underlying bottom line behind differences in sexual experience/ number are the following:
safety/ health. If someone has more partners, there is higher risk, but generally only if they engage in risky behavior. If they are not engaging in risky sex and taking care of their sexual health, then this really shouldn't be an issue.
experience/ knowhow. Insecurities arise between sexual partners if one feels pressure to perform at a level higher than their experience. Again, however, as long as these insecurities are addressed, and both are participating in connection and sharing the experience, that's really the issue. Being really good at sex takes a lot of practice. Someone who had one long term relationship versus someone who had just a lot of casual hookups - neither of them could really be good at sex and connecting with a sexual partner. So both could be insecure in terms of intimacy or performance.

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@elliej The only reason I and others said red flag was the fact she knew how many at a large number and the fact she compared, why say it at all? I don't really buy into sexual experience as an indicator of anything and that's coming from someone who doesn't have a number. If you're happy with her, that's cool.

Edited by Hungry
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I would have to agree with ChemFem and mladylove. Reach out to the Lesbian meet up admin, or look for Bi Meet ups. I don't think it's a good idea to lie. I mean what's the point of lying? Chances are no one is going to ask you about your sexuality credentials. If you begin a conversation and it happens to come up, you can politely say I prefer not to discuss my sexuality until I get to know you, or tell them the truth. It's not like you are going to be chased out of the room. LOL. I probably would not want to go on my own, ( I'm a chicken sometimes ) so I think I would probably find a meet up that involved an activity I enjoyed. That way you already have plenty to talk about, and hopefully meet a lot of new friends who like the things you do! Good luck!!

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On 12/4/2017 at 2:34 AM, Hungry said:

@elliej The only reason I and others said red flag was the fact she knew how many at a large number and the fact she compared, why say it at all? I don't really buy into sexual experience as an indicator of anything and that's coming from someone who doesn't have a number. If you're happy with her, that's cool.

didn't say that. she wasn't over her ex. so that's a no-go for me. maybe bringing up the comparison was another warning, but it didn't flag me right-off as a huge deal

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