UnicornKween

What are your Deal Breakers/turn offs?

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A lot of people like myself like to say that we don't have a type.

Honestly, I've been pleasantly surprised by unexpected crushes and like to keep an open mind because of that.

As a pretty inexperienced baby bi who is freshly getting into this dating game, mostly online dating I've noticed that although I have an open mind, there are some big Deal Breakers for me. 

-racist or prefers not to date certain races

-smokers. No shade but I've had some really rough experiences being asthmatic, so smoking would really suck

-rude or arrogant

-no ambition, dreams or goals for their ljfe

I feel like there might be more but those are the ones that would get a hard no from me 

Let's start a conversation, what are your deal breakers/turn offs?

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Hey, there's a turn off thread here.. it's not a big deal if this one gets responses we could ask a mod to merge them together? :)

On 12/6/2017 at 7:28 AM, UnicornKween said:

-smokers. No shade but I've had some really rough experiences being asthmatic, so smoking would really suck

I smoke but I don't smoke in public, just out the back at home and usually only at night. I don't think anyone should be smoking around anyone these days. It's a dirty habit, I won't even smoke around my friend's dog who sometimes wanders out if I forget to shut the door at her place :P My vice, my business. I wouldn't want to date someone who smoked a lot or indoors, that's gross. I totally get your point!

Text speak.

Have an opinion. Even if I don't agree, I respect that more than someone who follows the crowd blindly or avoids saying what they think.

Dress appropriately. 

Food. I don't mind if our tastes are different but I once dated someone that would only eat British and Italian food, what about all the other kinds of cuisine?!

Independence. Live without me, I'm not that special.

Pet names, terms of endearment. Nothing sickly or ridiculous and don't overuse it.

Edited by Hungry
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My marital status:  She must be willing to accept my devotion to my husband whom I regard as the number one person in my life.  She and I may bond with each other and may even care very deeply for each other, but she must never desire to replace my husband.

 

Edited by Femme Lusting
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Mine would be:

Horrible personality 

Bad hygiene

Doesn't like kids or pets

Drugs

Overuse of alcohol

Doesn't like video games (not that I play 24/7)

Doesn't drive (unless medical reason)

Doesn't like outdoor activities

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~Bad Smell

~Bad Teeth

~Bigotry

~Not a feminist.
(Even if they are male)

~No Interests or Hobbies.
(They work, eat, sleep, and try to have sex. That's it. That's their life.)

~Non-Reader
(They don't have to be a scholar with six different degrees, but I've gone out with people who literally answered the, "what kind of books do you like to read?" question with, "Ew, I don't read. I have Netflix." Um... what?)

~Cannot understand what I'm saying.
(I have also met people who think I use "too many big words." Usually the same people who don't read. I don't consider myself a walking thesaurus, and I don't try to confuse people on purpose. But sometimes "aptitude" fits better than "ability" and "morose" fits better than "sad," and maybe instead of asking me to dumb it down, you could just try to figure it out from context clues, or else we're not going to be able to have a conversation.)

Weirdly enough, I don't actually care if they smoke, drink, or use drugs, unless one of those things starts to seriously affect their health or personality.
 

Edited by jessikanesis
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People who are rude and close minded are definitely red flags. If you can't be respectful then I'm not interested.  As someone who used to smoke (almost 4 years smoke free), I would prefer a non smoker because of smell and temptation.  Obsessive gamers, I don't mind if you play occasionally but if you adjust your work schedule to play or choose the game over human interaction consistently then there's a problem.

But probably the #1 thing is dishonesty, I hate lying. I might not like what you have to say but if it's honest then I can at least respect it.

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My main deal breakers are - 

*Prejudice (racism, sexism yadda yadda)

*Ignorance, having no knowledge of what goes on in the world

*Right wing views. I respect your right to have those views to a degree, but we would clash all the time and I don't have the energy for that.

*Bad teeth 

*Fake eyelashes, too much make up, fake nails etc. By all means wear make up but if you look like a different person when you're not wearing all that stuff then there's an issue.

*Having nothing in common with me. If there's no common ground I just can't get my head around it.

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On 1/8/2018 at 10:18 AM, jessikanesis said:

~Bad Smell

~Bad Teeth

~Bigotry

~Not a feminist.
(Even if they are male)

~No Interests or Hobbies.
(They work, eat, sleep, and try to have sex. That's it. That's their life.)

~Non-Reader
(They don't have to be a scholar with six different degrees, but I've gone out with people who literally answered the, "what kind of books do you like to read?" question with, "Ew, I don't read. I have Netflix." Um... what?)

~Cannot understand what I'm saying.
(I have also met people who think I use "too many big words." Usually the same people who don't read. I don't consider myself a walking thesaurus, and I don't try to confuse people on purpose. But sometimes "aptitude" fits better than "ability" and "morose" fits better than "sad," and maybe instead of asking me to dumb it down, you could just try to figure it out from context clues, or else we're not going to be able to have a conversation.)

Weirdly enough, I don't actually care if they smoke, drink, or use drugs, unless one of those things starts to seriously affect their health or personality.
 

I totally agree with your priorities. A guy once started a conversation with me on the train by asking what I was reading. As we talked it came out that he drank a lot and regularly smoked marijuana. This gave me pause but I was still willing to give him a chance. Since he had begun by asking about my book, I asked what he liked to read. He responded "I don't read" at which point i mentally checked out of any potential flirtation.

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2 hours ago, ChemFem said:

Since he had begun by asking about my book, I asked what he liked to read. He responded "I don't read" at which point i mentally checked out of any potential flirtation.

I think anybody who has never read or isn't really interested is a no. I don't mind if it's not highbrow or you browse the internet, it all counts these days and it's totally fine if you've other priorities at the minute/gotten out of the habit etc. Anyone who doesn't want to learn, engage, shut off would make me question their potential, it's a weird mindset to be that disinterested. 

I'd add in anyone who doesn't have a clue what's going on news wise as a deal breaker. I don't expect them to be on the pulse or mount any large debates or stance - I once dated someone  briefly who said, "there's a lot of bad people in the world, I don't want to know". My mother's the same, so maybe it's that. Avoid the things that offend you, but I don't want to date someone who shuts themselves off from all information... This makes me sound like such fun! :P

Edited by Hungry
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On 06/12/2017 at 7:28 AM, UnicornKween said:

A lot of people like myself like to say that we don't have a type.

Honestly, I've been pleasantly surprised by unexpected crushes and like to keep an open mind because of that.

As a pretty inexperienced baby bi who is freshly getting into this dating game, mostly online dating I've noticed that although I have an open mind, there are some big Deal Breakers for me. 

-racist or prefers not to date certain races

-smokers. No shade but I've had some really rough experiences being asthmatic, so smoking would really suck

-rude or arrogant

-no ambition, dreams or goals for their ljfe

I feel like there might be more but those are the ones that would get a hard no from me 

Let's start a conversation, what are your deal breakers/turn offs?

My dealbreakers are pretty similar to yours.

- Not intellectually curious - they don't have to be a whiz kid but I believe in order to stay young forever it's important to educate yourself all the time. Having multiple interests or trying to learn new things is exciting and essentially you can share your knowledge with one another.

- No goals, dreams etc. - I dated this guy over a year ago and when we started talking about ambition/goals for the future he flat out told me he hadn't thought about it; he was in a job that I quote "doesn't seem to appreciate me" and was torn between wanting to leave and wanting to travel the world forever, I don't understand why he didn't want to do that latter - he has the skills to freelance from anywhere. Anyway, I instantly got turned off by him after this because I realised (and he probably did too) that we were going in different directions. I still wouldn't have minded being friends again but that fizzled - ultimately it was for the best, I probably would have resented him and I've grown to realise that I can't waste my time trying to "improve" people. 

- Dishonesty - this is a way to break my trust FAST.

- Arrogant/Selfish

- Doesn't eat healthily enough. I'm all for a good burger with greasy chips or pineapple upside down cake with ice cream from time to time. But eating takeaways or junk food every other day does more harm than good.

- Someone who is a smoker/takes drugs regularly (regularly to me is once or twice a month or more) I couldn't be with someone who smokes, I hate the smell and it makes my eyes water. I have experimented with drugs in the past and I would never say never because I smoke a joint perhaps thrice a year but nothing more hardcore than that. 

- Right winged/extremist views

- Not a feminist or hates feminism

- Racist and discriminates when dating!

Edited by lovelace
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23 hours ago, Apsalar15 said:

My main deal breakers are - 

*Prejudice (racism, sexism yadda yadda)

*Ignorance, having no knowledge of what goes on in the world

*Right wing views. I respect your right to have those views to a degree, but we would clash all the time and I don't have the energy for that.

*Bad teeth 

*Fake eyelashes, too much make up, fake nails etc. By all means wear make up but if you look like a different person when you're not wearing all that stuff then there's an issue.

*Having nothing in common with me. If there's no common ground I just can't get my head around it.

Oh yes to bad teeth! Mine are nothing like Simon Cowell's but they're pretty straight and white.

Edited by lovelace
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10 hours ago, Hungry said:

I think anybody who has never read or isn't really interested is a no. I don't mind if it's not highbrow or you browse the internet, it all counts these days and it's totally fine if you've other priorities at the minute/gotten out of the habit etc. Anyone who doesn't want to learn, engage, shut off would make me question their potential, it's a weird mindset to be that disinterested. 

I'd add in anyone who doesn't have a clue what's going on news wise as a deal breaker. I don't expect them to be on the pulse or mount any large debates or stance - I once dated someone  briefly who said, "there's a lot of bad people in the world, I don't want to know". My mother's the same, so maybe it's that. Avoid the things that offend you, but I don't want to date someone who shuts themselves off from all information... This makes me sound like such fun! :P

That mindset also bothers me. If all the "good people" shut themselves off from political engagement, power is left solely in the hands of the "bad people." Also they are still engaging with the "bad people" by other means such as through the financial system, just not in a way they are conscious of.

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1 hour ago, ChemFem said:

That mindset also bothers me. If all the "good people" shut themselves off from political engagement, power is left solely in the hands of the "bad people." Also they are still engaging with the "bad people" by other means such as through the financial system, just not in a way they are conscious of.

If I'm close to having financial certifications, is that a dealbreaker!? :P  I find it interesting a lot of people have said right wing views. I think for me it really comes down to the degree doesn't it and also again it comes back to how well informed they're. To me it seems strange that right off the bat some are clearly wary/not interested. 

The kind of person who if you spoke on a daily basis would only be able to mention their day etc. If nothing has happened, they're incapable of sharing thoughts, something they saw/read, questions or better yet just wrap the conversation up! It drives me nuts.

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@Apsalar15 phrased it as a question of energy re: right wing views which seems reasonable. It is invigorating to debate acquaintances whose opinions differ significantly from mine. However, part of what enables me to have the bandwidth for the debate is knowing that I can step away if it gets to be too much. That is not as feasible with a partner, or even a close friend.

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12 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

@Apsalar15 phrased it as a question of energy re: right wing views which seems reasonable. It is invigorating to debate acquaintances whose opinions differ significantly from mine. However, part of what enables me to have the bandwidth for the debate is knowing that I can step away if it gets to be too much. That is not as feasible with a partner, or even a close friend.

I happily engage in a bit of healthy debate here and there, but I need common ground with someone I'm connected to and I very rarely find myself attracted to people who have opposing political views purely because I so deeply believe in my own. Just for example, I couldn't be attracted to someone who believes that homosexuality isn't natural as a part of their political or religious views.

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17 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

@Apsalar15 phrased it as a question of energy re: right wing views which seems reasonable. It is invigorating to debate acquaintances whose opinions differ significantly from mine. However, part of what enables me to have the bandwidth for the debate is knowing that I can step away if it gets to be too much. That is not as feasible with a partner, or even a close friend.

exactly. In the past, I've had colleagues/friends with right winged views and it was just exhausting because they'd dismiss everything you stand for. Also, they were either racist, homophobic, classist or a combination of all three. Not saying someone who has an opposite viewpoint can't be those things either but it was something which was pretty much default to them. 

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That's fine on the right wing views if they're grounded in ignorance, but for purposes of business, taxes and such I don't think it's all such a bad idea, other things too but I won't bore you, don't worry it's not like the conservatives round here are going to be able to meet their manifesto anyway, but I was just checking it wasn't people discarding based on voting choice etc. So it seems round here we're all pretty reasonable :wink:

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Yeah apparently my boyfriend voted for Trump in the last election solely to spite his parents who were both Clinton supporters (we were in California at the time so it didn't materially affect the outcome) I told him honestly that I found this a really immature way to choose one's politics, but I didn't leave him over it. For midterm elections he realizes the importance and has agreed to do his research before choosing candidates.

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Regular drug use, or desire for mutual drug use. I'm subject to random drug tests because of my job, so it's totally out for me, and it doesn't really appeal to me anyways. Nor do I really want to watch someone be altered on a regular basis. Same applies to heavy alcohol use - I drink occasionally, but don't enjoy actually being drunk, or watching other people being drunk. 

Bad personal hygiene. My standards aren't that high - if you shower, brush your teeth, and change/wash your clothing regularly, you're probably good. But you gotta at least do that.

Insisting on using more than extremely light perfume/cologne (if I can smell it from normal conversational distance, it's too much). It gives me headaches.

Inconsiderate smoking. I have a tendency to be attracted to smokers/former smokers, which is funny because I really don't like smoking, so the smoking isn't a dealbreaker in itself. Just as long as they keep it out of my airspace unless I choose to be there.

Homo/biphobia, for obvious reasons. Being blatantly disrespectful or intolerant towards anyone/any group.

Any overwhelming interest that I don't share. I'm totally fine with having separate interests and doing stuff apart, but if the only thing you want to do on a regular basis is watch sports/play video games/run marathons/talk politics, it isn't going to work. There has to be some common ground.

Pushing your unshared personal beliefs (religion, politics, diet, whatever) on me. 

Anything that would hurt my family - they're my first responsibility.

On 1/9/2018 at 0:24 AM, Apsalar15 said:

*Fake eyelashes, too much make up, fake nails etc. By all means wear make up but if you look like a different person when you're not wearing all that stuff then there's an issue.

Gotta agree with that one. 

Right wing views... an awful lot of people I know and like are further right than I am, though they tend to be more in the libertarian direction than actually conservative. So I guess, as long as their politics aren't actually hitting on one of my other dealbreakers, it isn't a dealbreaker in itself. But someone who is too far right is likely to be hitting at least one of my dealbreakers.

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Misogynistic and/or racist in micro or macro ways

Lack of self awareness

Cigarette smoker

Excessive drugs or alcohol user

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Arrogance 

A blind allegance to Political, social, religious views- if your going to believe something at least have an actual reason why you do. Because I’m a ______, to me is not really a reason. I want to be able to have thought provoking discussions with someone I’m in a relationship with.

Extreme view points.

Racism, sexism, homophobia. 

Illegal Drug Use- exception being marajuana. I don’t use it, I just don’t feel it should be illegal, so I won’t judge.

 

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lack of balance in life in general ...smoking at all drinking in excess ... drugs of any sort and anyone with no spirituality 

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After some lousy experiences, while I prefer people to be on a similar page to me politically and things like sexism/biphobia/transphobia are dealbreakers, the real big dealbreaker in a primary relationship I've learned about for me is secrecy.

I've gone out with people who are in the closet to people close to them like their family and it's a horrible thing, especially if they then (or at the same time) have a mixed-gender relationship and you get to see how public and accepted the bloke in their life is while you were a guilty secret in the shadows.

I like to think I'll never do it again. I kinda suspect that in the moment my heart would betray me though I hope not.

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Bullies and Lesbians who would side with straight women against me. I want total loyalty and honesty or on your bike mate.

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