Veronica

Both of us married & I'm falling in love, help!!

30 posts in this topic

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I have a situation that's burning deep inside of me that I need advice and/or just to find some people who have been through something similar. Maybe opinions on this whole situation. Bear with me, this will be long. I really just need to get this off my chest!

 

So I'm married, but going to definitely divorce in a few years. My husband is emotionally abusive and I haven't been happy for most of the marriage. I'm a stay at home mom, so I have a plan, but it won't be for a few years once I get on my own two feet again. She's also a stay at home mom. We met last year when our sons were in preschool I felt drawn to her but wasn't attracted right off the bat. She used to ask me often to get together, but my younger son was an infant so planning it all was too hard. Fast forward to last summer... her son and my son slowly became very close and are inseparable now. We just started getting together the beginning of September. First couple times I was thinking how hot she was (only time I ever remotely crushed on a girl was my female boss from about 4 years ago. This is all very new to me). I SWEAR, from the moment I saw her last year, I thought she was a repressed lesbian. My gaydar is pretty good since my older sister has been out since a late teenager, so I have been around many lesbians. She's talked about LGBT stuff randomly and about how lesbians are a ton of drama and "take it from me." We were texting one day when she was mentioning this again, and I asked her "have you?" and she told me "lol that's a conversation for another day with lots of drinking." I'm yet to meet her husband after all this time. I feel like she's avoiding me meeting him, which is weird... I did hear her talk to him on the phone, and she talked to him like he was a bro. It was strange... But she told me they're happy. anyway...

 

We started seeing each other often since our sons always ask about each other. Very early on she started asking about my marriage, what my family is like, digging deep to get to know me, asking about my sister and how my family feels about her being gay; just stuff that most friends have never asked me. Each time I saw her my attraction was getting stronger. I was starting to really wonder about her (I'm clueless when people like me, but I really started to wonder). In early October she told me my son is cute because he gets it from me, which a little smile and look in her eye. I almost died. She started touching me on the arm/hand often while talking, smiling with her eyes, standing shoulder to shoulder with me. She stares and smiles at me and says I'm amazing, a genius, so smart... When she started to find out what my marriage is really like, she told me twice recently that my husband doesn't deserve me. BUT then a couple days ago, she sent me this text:

"See, you need to be physically and emotionally connected to someone you are committed to and in a relationship with, and if those two things are lacking, it's very normal to seek it from outside source. It's not surprising that another man wants you, many men do, and it's very easy to get that. I can't believe you sold yourself short with who you married. Listen, you have to be loyal to yourself first and foremost. So be loyal to yourself and get what you want." Okkkk... so she's basically saying she thinks I should cheat? I damn well would with her, but I'm SO afraid of risking everything. I can't even flirt with her because i'm way shier than she is. I'm so afraid of making things awkward because our sons are best friends. Sometimes I do wonder if our sons are kind of bringing us closer for a reason (obviously they don't consciously know this, lol. I just mean a deeper meaning to it). I feel like i'm falling in love with her and it's eating away at me. And I don't want anyone to think it's because i'm filling a void in a loveless marriage-- I really truly wish I wasn't experiencing this because I feel like it's putting a block on my progress on what I need to focus on to divorce.

 

Any advice? Nothing like this has ever affected me like this has. I want SO badly to tell her all this, but I feel it's way too early anyway (we have conversations about what we're like in relationships, what types we like, etc. We both said we like to take things slow). I don't know in what kind of situation to tell her, when, etc. One obstacle is that she usually doesn't hang out with friends away from kids that much. 

 

I don't drink and never really have, but she's trying to convince me to have some wine with her to "let loose and relax." I don't really want to around kids. I want to stay in a hotel with her for a night, drink for real the first time, and possibly tell her then and/or get her to open up more (especially that background story she's reluctant to discuss sober). I just don't know how to approach this. Help!!

Edited by Veronica
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It would make sense to get loose of your current marriage before trying to start anything with her. Divorce is something you already intend; consider this an incentive to accelerate your time frame for leaving. It sounds like she is interested but giving very mixed signals. Once you are single the whole situation will be far more stable.

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Oh wow, that sounds intense. And it definitely sounds like she is interested in you, and maybe trying to feel you out. My advice would be to take it slow, no matter what. Especially if you think you are really falling in love with this woman. There is a lot of potential for hurt there, especially with you both being married. I guess what I would do is slow it down, enjoy the friendship, and let whatever happens just naturally evolve. 

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The situation is intense. I feel like she's the one stoking the fire here. She's got an agenda going on. I can sense it from what you wrote. If you know what you want in your marriage and from your life, then feel free to socialize with her without the kids. 

I have to ask though, what do you think this is from her perspective? Harmless fun, flirting, maybe a casual/still friends thing or is it just curiousity? Lots of it seems like suggestion, she might not be willing to follow through on.  Most SAHM's aren't like that :lol: you need to clarify her intentions. The liquid courage makes me think she might use the whole "I was drunk" narrative to take back anything she says or does later. 

Certainly worth a drink to get some answers!

Edited by Hungry
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i have so much to say about this scenario from my own experiences (which started the same way).  Not sure if you have ability to message yet but when you do, we can get into some detail on this bc i am living it (and have) for quite some time.  

What I can share publicly is that this arrangement is amazing and very very complicated especially bc of the kids that drew you close.  Many honest dialogs need to happen but obviously addressing the attraction and mutual nature of it is first  (cart before horse).

i am excited for you, could be an amazing, beautiful thing...however, my best advise is to proceed with caution, really communicate well with each other and make sure kids are always top priority.  this can be complex especially if one or both of you are in lackluster marriages.  Also the NRE (new relationship energy) from this is also something that can send you into a tail spin when things heat up.  i am available to go into more detail privately but want to direct you to a chain of mine in the Married Forum (there are two), start with What’s Going On? & What’s Going On Update.  The entire journey isn’t updated but the earlier portions that relate to your post are similar:

Good luck and welcome!

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Thanks for the replies. I'd love to hear more! Lol. It helped tremendously getting it off my chest. And I feel like this is a safe space for it, so thank you.

 

i feel like there's so much pent up tension between both of us. I'm trying SO hard not to say anything or make a move. I've never been through anything this hard with holding back. I do flirt with some guy friends because I'm the type who speaks my mind. So that also makes this situation difficult!

 

i actually did text her last night about my birthday idea (although it's 5 months away). Never got a response-- but that happens sometimes when I text since she's busy putting her kids to bed and says she falls asleep with them sometimes. So who knows. 

 

To the response above-- yes, I'm also trying to figure out her intentions with all this. That's the most frustrating thing. If I found out it was just out of fun, then I'd be prettt upset. 

 

I could see myself being with her and it makes this all so hard. I've never clicked with someone like this. My biggest obstacle is holding back. 

 

 

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2 hours ago, TBD78 said:

i have so much to say about this scenario from my own experiences (which started the same way).  Not sure if you have ability to message yet but when you do, we can get into some detail on this bc i am living it (and have) for quite some time.  

What I can share publicly is that this arrangement is amazing and very very complicated especially bc of the kids that drew you close.  Many honest dialogs need to happen but obviously addressing the attraction and mutual nature of it is first  (cart before horse).

i am excited for you, could be an amazing, beautiful thing...however, my best advise is to proceed with caution, really communicate well with each other and make sure kids are always top priority.  this can be complex especially if one or both of you are in lackluster marriages.  Also the NRE (new relationship energy) from this is also something that can send you into a tail spin when things heat up.  i am available to go into more detail privately but want to direct you to a chain of mine in the Married Forum (there are two), start with What’s Going On? & What’s Going On Update.  The entire journey isn’t updated but the earlier portions that relate to your post are similar:

Good luck and welcome!

Yes, I will message you! Thank you 

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I echo all TBD said, above.  My situation is also similar.  I have posted numerous times here about it.  

Your instincts sound dead-on to me.  She is attracted to you and is feeling you out to see if the feeling is mutual.  

I can offer you some perspective and share my experience.  I have had an on-going, albeit sporadic, sexual relationship with a close female friend for a couple years.  I should add that there was a lapse of over a year where we didn't have sex at all.  It's complicated, as these things always are. 

Since you say divorce is looming, am I right in getting the impression you have no intention of telling your husband about your feelings, or any sexual contact with, this friend?  

For me, the sex was amazing...words can't express.  I had zero clue that I would enjoy sex with another woman like that.  I don't regret experiencing that.  

The emotional roller coaster has been hell.  In my case, neither me nor my girl ever expressed any intention of leaving our men for each other.  The biggest issue with us is her struggle with her sexuality and her hot and cold behavior toward me.  We remain close friends and the sexual tension burns between us. 

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5 hours ago, FlaGrl08 said:

I echo all TBD said, above.  My situation is also similar.  I have posted numerous times here about it.  

Your instincts sound dead-on to me.  She is attracted to you and is feeling you out to see if the feeling is mutual.  

I can offer you some perspective and share my experience.  I have had an on-going, albeit sporadic, sexual relationship with a close female friend for a couple years.  I should add that there was a lapse of over a year where we didn't have sex at all.  It's complicated, as these things always are. 

Since you say divorce is looming, am I right in getting the impression you have no intention of telling your husband about your feelings, or any sexual contact with, this friend?  

For me, the sex was amazing...words can't express.  I had zero clue that I would enjoy sex with another woman like that.  I don't regret experiencing that.  

The emotional roller coaster has been hell.  In my case, neither me nor my girl ever expressed any intention of leaving our men for each other.  The biggest issue with us is her struggle with her sexuality and her hot and cold behavior toward me.  We remain close friends and the sexual tension burns between us. 

Yeah, no intentions on telling my husband. He would definitely not be ok with her. He doesn't seem as open about this stuff as other husbands are on this board. Do you mind if I message you to talk more about this?

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6 minutes ago, Veronica said:

What do you all think of what she said in that text? 

I think she is trying to get what she wants, but obliquely couch it in terms of what you need to avoid coming across as selfish. It's a habit I'm struggling to break myself of, and it plays merry hell with any attempt at honest communication. Unless she is willing to admit that this is what she wants, rather putting all the pressure of desire on you, I don't think this can work.

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35 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

I think she is trying to get what she wants, but obliquely couch it in terms of what you need to avoid coming across as selfish. It's a habit I'm struggling to break myself of, and it plays merry hell with any attempt at honest communication. Unless she is willing to admit that this is what she wants, rather putting all the pressure of desire on you, I don't think this can work.

So essentially she's putting the ball in my court? She does the majority of flirting, so maybe that's why...

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ya maybe she feels in her head that she has given all the signals & is maybe waiting for you to reciprocate in some capacity

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1 minute ago, TBD78 said:

ya maybe she feels in her head that she has given all the signals & is maybe waiting for you to reciprocate in some capacity

I'm so afraid. Even with guys in the past, I've been very shy about it. 

 

She tends to go hot and cold. We will text nonstop for days, then I won't hear from her for 2-3 days. Can't explain it. Then when we meet she will be back to flirting and the usual stuff.

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2 hours ago, Veronica said:

Yeah, no intentions on telling my husband. He would definitely not be ok with her. He doesn't seem as open about this stuff as other husbands are on this board. Do you mind if I message you to talk more about this?

I don't mind at all!  Message away :)

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On 12/6/2017 at 8:46 PM, ChemFem said:

It would make sense to get loose of your current marriage before trying to start anything with her. Divorce is something you already intend; consider this an incentive to accelerate your time frame for leaving. It sounds like she is interested but giving very mixed signals. Once you are single the whole situation will be far more stable.

This was what I was going to suggest.  Take the two issues separately.  Use this as the fire under your butt to move the divorce timeline up.  What has you holding off a few years on that?

I left a very abusive marriage about 3 years ago.  It wasn't easy, but boy was it worth it.  I left in spite of the fact that I couldn't afford to do it.  I had been trying to get a job since before I had made the decision to leave, and my ex had sabotaged every job interview along the way.  I ended up with an amazing job offer a week after I left him.  Things have a way of working out.  You're welcome to message me if you want to ask me anything.  I have posted a lot about that and dating women.

I agree with the above comments that she's interested.  I will say that a lot of people SAY they are happy without it necessarily being true.  Who knows, maybe she and her husband ARE happy, but they have a companionate marriage.  You never know what's happening behind closed doors.

The text, I would have to see more of the context under which it came, but yes, it sounds like she doesn't think you're in a healthy marriage and you deserve better.  And giving you permission to cheat.  She says men, who know what she really means.  I think the questions about your sister and LGBT stuff have definitely been about feeling you out.

Definitey be careful about drinking too much around her, or letting her drink too much.  Like @Hungry said, she could easily use that excuse if anything is said or done and then be dismissive about it, which could leave you hurt and broken.  But you could do a girls night out, and maybe have a drink or two (limit it to that), and get to talking, and see where it goes!

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2 hours ago, BiTriMama said:

This was what I was going to suggest.  Take the two issues separately.  Use this as the fire under your butt to move the divorce timeline up.  What has you holding off a few years on that?

I left a very abusive marriage about 3 years ago.  It wasn't easy, but boy was it worth it.  I left in spite of the fact that I couldn't afford to do it.  I had been trying to get a job since before I had made the decision to leave, and my ex had sabotaged every job interview along the way.  I ended up with an amazing job offer a week after I left him.  Things have a way of working out.  You're welcome to message me if you want to ask me anything.  I have posted a lot about that and dating women.

I agree with the above comments that she's interested.  I will say that a lot of people SAY they are happy without it necessarily being true.  Who knows, maybe she and her husband ARE happy, but they have a companionate marriage.  You never know what's happening behind closed doors.

The text, I would have to see more of the context under which it came, but yes, it sounds like she doesn't think you're in a healthy marriage and you deserve better.  And giving you permission to cheat.  She says men, who know what she really means.  I think the questions about your sister and LGBT stuff have definitely been about feeling you out.

Definitey be careful about drinking too much around her, or letting her drink too much.  Like @Hungry said, she could easily use that excuse if anything is said or done and then be dismissive about it, which could leave you hurt and broken.  But you could do a girls night out, and maybe have a drink or two (limit it to that), and get to talking, and see where it goes!

I've been a stay at home mom for 4 years now... I live in a pretty expensive area and want to stay here, so I need to have a job I know I will make enough money to keep our house. I'm a former teacher but can't go back to classroom teaching with my expired license. I don't have any interest in doing so anyway. I'm going to open a tutoring franchise, but not going to start the process for 2 years since I need to devote the time to my kids. They're very young and need me. It's just a personal choice of mine. 

Anyway, she does some things and says things that have me wondering. Maybe I could be reading too much into it, but I don't know. One time she said her friend cheated on her husband more than once and they ended up divorced, but when she said it, she was giggling and blushing. Thought it was odd-- like maybe she actually slept with her?

 

And when I'm over her house before dinner time, she tells me she can talk to me all day, but her husband is coming home any minute so I need to leave, and rushes me and my son out. He knows about me and she's told me she talks about me to him, but it seems like she doesn't want me meeting him. 

 

She's coming over my house next week. Wondering what I should do since we'll be alone...

Edited by Veronica
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3 hours ago, BiTriMama said:

This was what I was going to suggest.  Take the two issues separately.  Use this as the fire under your butt to move the divorce timeline up.  What has you holding off a few years on that?

I left a very abusive marriage about 3 years ago.  It wasn't easy, but boy was it worth it.  I left in spite of the fact that I couldn't afford to do it.  I had been trying to get a job since before I had made the decision to leave, and my ex had sabotaged every job interview along the way.  I ended up with an amazing job offer a week after I left him.  Things have a way of working out.  You're welcome to message me if you want to ask me anything.  I have posted a lot about that and dating women.

I agree with the above comments that she's interested.  I will say that a lot of people SAY they are happy without it necessarily being true.  Who knows, maybe she and her husband ARE happy, but they have a companionate marriage.  You never know what's happening behind closed doors.

The text, I would have to see more of the context under which it came, but yes, it sounds like she doesn't think you're in a healthy marriage and you deserve better.  And giving you permission to cheat.  She says men, who know what she really means.  I think the questions about your sister and LGBT stuff have definitely been about feeling you out.

Definitey be careful about drinking too much around her, or letting her drink too much.  Like @Hungry said, she could easily use that excuse if anything is said or done and then be dismissive about it, which could leave you hurt and broken.  But you could do a girls night out, and maybe have a drink or two (limit it to that), and get to talking, and see where it goes!

Basically in that text I was saying how sex with my husband has always been bad and that I need good sex, also that I'm tempted all the time since I have guys who hit on me often. 

Edited by Veronica
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13 hours ago, Veronica said:

I've been a stay at home mom for 4 years now... I live in a pretty expensive area and want to stay here, so I need to have a job I know I will make enough money to keep our house. I'm a former teacher but can't go back to classroom teaching with my expired license. I don't have any interest in doing so anyway. I'm going to open a tutoring franchise, but not going to start the process for 2 years since I need to devote the time to my kids. They're very young and need me. It's just a personal choice of mine. 

Anyway, she does some things and says things that have me wondering. Maybe I could be reading too much into it, but I don't know. One time she said her friend cheated on her husband more than once and they ended up divorced, but when she said it, she was giggling and blushing. Thought it was odd-- like maybe she actually slept with her?

 

And when I'm over her house before dinner time, she tells me she can talk to me all day, but her husband is coming home any minute so I need to leave, and rushes me and my son out. He knows about me and she's told me she talks about me to him, but it seems like she doesn't want me meeting him. 

 

She's coming over my house next week. Wondering what I should do since we'll be alone...

 

13 hours ago, Veronica said:

Basically in that text I was saying how sex with my husband has always been bad and that I need good sex, also that I'm tempted all the time since I have guys who hit on me often. 

You'll leave when you're ready to leave.  I live in an expensive area as well.  I will say, I am able to be a better mom to my son now being free of my abusive ex.

I think you may be right about her friend cheating with her, from what you're saying.  I doubt you're misreading the signals, if they are as you've described them.  And her keeping you away from her husband... I wonder if he might become suspicious or detect the chemistry if he sees you two together?

Is she coming over without the kids there?

I still agree that yes, she's saying you should have permission to cheat in your circumstances.  A lot of abusive men tend to be pretty self-centered in general, and that carries over into the bedroom.  I know my ex was quite selfish and did whatever worked for him with little regard for what worked for me.

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4 minutes ago, BiTriMama said:

 

You'll leave when you're ready to leave.  I live in an expensive area as well.  I will say, I am able to be a better mom to my son now being free of my abusive ex.

I think you may be right about her friend cheating with her, from what you're saying.  I doubt you're misreading the signals, if they are as you've described them.  And her keeping you away from her husband... I wonder if he might become suspicious or detect the chemistry if he sees you two together?

Is she coming over without the kids there?

I still agree that yes, she's saying you should have permission to cheat in your circumstances.  A lot of abusive men tend to be pretty self-centered in general, and that carries over into the bedroom.  I know my ex was quite selfish and did whatever worked for him with little regard for what worked for me.

Well, some sad news. I'm still shocked. I decided to open up about it in text, but said it in a way that would be generic enough for me to save face, lol. I asked her if she's able to sense/know how I feel (we've talked about how we have ESP together, so it's not like this was a bizarre thing to mention). She said something like, "I think I do. I don't want to sound hurtful, but I don't feel that way. I like meeting as many mom friends as I can. And our kids are really close." Like whaaaaat? Everything I've said was no exaggeration. Why would someone be that suggestive/flirty with no intentions? And the thing about mom friends-- she has a shit ton of them. So that's a weird thing to say. So I told her that's not what I meant, and then clarified a bogus question lol. She apologized over and over and said it was her fault for misinterpreting. Then I said "well if we're being honest, you are cute, but that's all" (ok, I fibbed to an extent). No response in the last 3 hours. I just really really hope things aren't going to be awkward bc I would really hate to have this affect our sons. They're so so close. 

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1 hour ago, Veronica said:

Well, some sad news. I'm still shocked. I decided to open up about it in text, but said it in a way that would be generic enough for me to save face, lol. I asked her if she's able to sense/know how I feel (we've talked about how we have ESP together, so it's not like this was a bizarre thing to mention). She said something like, "I think I do. I don't want to sound hurtful, but I don't feel that way. I like meeting as many mom friends as I can. And our kids are really close." Like whaaaaat? Everything I've said was no exaggeration. Why would someone be that suggestive/flirty with no intentions? And the thing about mom friends-- she has a shit ton of them. So that's a weird thing to say. So I told her that's not what I meant, and then clarified a bogus question lol. She apologized over and over and said it was her fault for misinterpreting. Then I said "well if we're being honest, you are cute, but that's all" (ok, I fibbed to an extent). No response in the last 3 hours. I just really really hope things aren't going to be awkward bc I would really hate to have this affect our sons. They're so so close. 

Sorry that outcome was not the one you'd hoped for. Better that though than her deciding she doesn't feel that way after you'd already done things together. Hugs and congratulations on being brave.

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Oh crap, I'm so sorry. :( Maybe she's really conflicted about her feelings? From reading all of your posts, it really does sound like there was interest on her end. Has she ever had anything happen with a woman before, do you know?

Edited by BellaLuna
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2 minutes ago, BellaLuna said:

Oh crap, I'm so sorry. :( Maybe she's really conflicted about her feelings? From reading all of your posts, it really does sound like there was interest on her end. Has she ever had anything happen with a woman before, do you know?

Yeah. She's dated and hooked up with them.

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Oh, wow. Then she definitely knew what she was doing by flirting with you. Has she responded to you yet? 

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4 hours ago, Veronica said:

Well, some sad news. I'm still shocked. I decided to open up about it in text, but said it in a way that would be generic enough for me to save face, lol. I asked her if she's able to sense/know how I feel (we've talked about how we have ESP together, so it's not like this was a bizarre thing to mention). She said something like, "I think I do. I don't want to sound hurtful, but I don't feel that way. I like meeting as many mom friends as I can. And our kids are really close." Like whaaaaat? Everything I've said was no exaggeration. Why would someone be that suggestive/flirty with no intentions? And the thing about mom friends-- she has a shit ton of them. So that's a weird thing to say. So I told her that's not what I meant, and then clarified a bogus question lol. She apologized over and over and said it was her fault for misinterpreting. Then I said "well if we're being honest, you are cute, but that's all" (ok, I fibbed to an extent). No response in the last 3 hours. I just really really hope things aren't going to be awkward bc I would really hate to have this affect our sons. They're so so close. 

Maybe she's one of those women who are just super flirtatious.  I fucking hate that.  I always misinterpret that, too.  It's kind of attention-seeking, IMO, and tends to mess with the rest of us (sorry to offend anyone here who tends to be flirtatious).

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