clever-username

made a dating profile, cue internal freak out

21 posts in this topic

Finally made a dating profile saying that I'm seeking women....

Not sure if I'll delete it or not. Online dating freaks me out to begin with and the fact that I'm not out makes it a bit more nerve-wracking because I have this weird fear that someone will see my picture and spread the word. Logically I know that if someone where to see my profile, that person would also be a woman seeking women so why would they blab but still...mini freak out progress.

Deep down I know I need to do **something** because I live in a rural area; a lady who is interested other ladies isn't going to just drop in my lap and after taking some time to think and compile what I know about myself, the odds that I would click with another woman are very high. Much higher than me matching up with a guy (my criteria for men is very specific and none of the men in my area will be able to fit them, I'm fairly certain of that.) I was tired of being lonely and worried about meeting someone before I accepted my attraction to women but now that I realize I'm more towards the lesbian side of the bi-scale, it's so much worse. Online dating seems to be the only way to meet people but as I said before, it freaks me out.

But let's be real, I'll probably freak out hardcore in a day or two (especially since I put up a picture) and delete it or put it on hold or whatever just like I've done with my other dating profiles...

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I remember when I started this journey,  doing and feeling those same things.  Maybe start with a generic photo,  if that will calm your nerves at all.  If you start talking to someone and you click,  then swap pics? Just an idea. Good luck,  and great username :)

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Congrats on setting up the profile! You are ahead of me. So far I have only gotten through the registration process on a well known dating site. And then it got to the point where, 'you can't proceed until you post a photo' and it freaked me out too! For same reasons you have, so I am stuck at that point now. :O

But you are right, it's quite unlikely some cool lesbian is just going to ring my doorbell one day and ask me out, lol! Though I wish it worked that way! You hear so many horror stories from dating sites. However, there are those great stories too, where people have met wonderful people an started relationships. Sigh...I think the idea given about using a generic photo might be the way to go for me. However, I thought on the dating site I registered with it said something about how the photo must show your face, will have to check again, I might be just making that up, lol. Using a generic photo does seem like a good baby step. :).

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Well done to you, I know how scary and disappointing it can be. I’ve tried twice and deleted twice. I think it’s about knowing how to present your profile in words and pictures and knowing exactly what you want. I am surprised in this day and age that there are not tutorials on this subject, I have seen some really excellent profiles and some pretty poor ones. You can get advice on which websites are reputable though which is good, 

I have of late been contemplating a third attempt (third time lucky) but I am taking time until I decide exactly what I want so as not to unintentionally deceive or hurt anyone. I also want to get my choice of website right.

What is a generic photo btw?

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@myladylove if I understand the context correctly, your current profile picture counts as a genetic photo. It is not just the stock outline for someone who lacks a photo, but it also does not depict you (unless you are a songbird in real life, in which case bravo on your ability to type with your beak.)

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1 hour ago, ChemFem said:

@myladylove if I understand the context correctly, your current profile picture counts as a genetic photo. It is not just the stock outline for someone who lacks a photo, but it also does not depict you (unless you are a songbird in real life, in which case bravo on your ability to type with your beak.)

Always make me smile.

@clever-username I'm assuming it's a site. I was going to recommend an app instead. Few reasons for this, mainly cos they're easier to activate/deactivate too the info is limited and I don't know but people seem to find them less intimidating these days. It's funny what you say because outside of the rural area comment, I feel exactly the same way, I know the chances of me meeting someone truly compatible organically is unlikely and so you have to search, but then comes the fear...

I came out years ago, but I have no real intentions of doing it again to an almost entirely forgetful/new circle of people. The thing is, you don't need to be out or specific about anything to be actively looking to meet people. Sure they might ask you, but that's no different from straight people asking each other awkward/curious questions.

Feel your way, if it's not your time now.. you can try again. But the intention shows how you feel and it's not something that's going anywhere and that should be a positive rather than a negative. The worry and fear is in your head, not in the people who might see your profile.. also if anyone you know sees you, they're on a dating site too. So there's really no issue!

Edited by Hungry
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One point I would raise in favor of a site over an app is that intrusive data collection seems to be the norm rather than the exception these days. Not trying to scare you off though @clever-username, it's great that you're putting yourself out there.

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43 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

One point I would raise in favor of a site over an app is that intrusive data collection seems to be the norm rather than the exception these days. Not trying to scare you off though @clever-username, it's great that you're putting yourself out there.

There are ways to get around that in your social settings. It's harder to do on the move and if you're not overly worried about locational data and message archiving then the rest or if you're a lover of privacy can be done from a secure browser.

The average person doesn't pay much mind to this but if anyone ever wants to know more about this I'll make a post. It's good to be aware but at the end of the day you can't be a part of the online world without having to give something over and in terms of dating, I'm sure the millions of happy couples would say that the gains far outweigh the risks. 

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Absolutely they do. Honestly I don't think the risk is that great. However if one is already nervous about privacy extra steps might give peace of mind.

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On 12/14/2017 at 9:57 AM, myladylove said:

Well done to you, I know how scary and disappointing it can be. I’ve tried twice and deleted twice. I think it’s about knowing how to present your profile in words and pictures and knowing exactly what you want. I am surprised in this day and age that there are not tutorials on this subject, I have seen some really excellent profiles and some pretty poor ones. You can get advice on which websites are reputable though which is good, 

This is definitely one of my concerns since I am a huge nerd. There's really no way to make being a nerd sound good without someone getting to know you first but when you say that you're a nerd, their minds go to stereotypes and nine times out of ten, they pass you by (at least that's my guess.) But at the same time I don't want to be dishonest and not tell them since my nerd-y interests are a big part of my life and anyone I would want to get into a relationship with would need to understand that I don't plan on giving those things up.

Plus I have to find a way to make being an introvert sound good since "I like to stay home and do nothing but putter around the house and watch tv after a long work week" doesn't seem like it would be appealing to anyone but me, haha

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On 12/14/2017 at 3:36 AM, Firesign12 said:

But you are right, it's quite unlikely some cool lesbian is just going to ring my doorbell one day and ask me out, lol! Though I wish it worked that way! 

Me too :)

I'm still not too happy about trying to meet someone online since it freaks me out but I really don't have a choice. I don't like going to crowded places so going to a bar would be out and I don't really have any ties to anyone in the lgbt community around here (not that it's really hopping considering how rural I am). I'd much prefer getting set up by a friend or something since I would be able to be more comfortable around them knowing my friend trusts them.

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5 hours ago, clever-username said:

This is definitely one of my concerns since I am a huge nerd. There's really no way to make being a nerd sound good without someone getting to know you first but when you say that you're a nerd, their minds go to stereotypes and nine times out of ten, they pass you by (at least that's my guess.) But at the same time I don't want to be dishonest and not tell them since my nerd-y interests are a big part of my life and anyone I would want to get into a relationship with would need to understand that I don't plan on giving those things up.

Plus I have to find a way to make being an introvert sound good since "I like to stay home and do nothing but putter around the house and watch tv after a long work week" doesn't seem like it would be appealing to anyone but me, haha

Ha ha, me too, I have some interests but they are solitary really. Actually you have given me a tip, when and if I do try again (and it’s doubtful atm) I will use the word ‘Introvert’ why not? Let’s own it and be proud of who we are, we are not the only ones. I loved your post btw, and let me tell you of a positive and appealing quality you have; a good sense of humour. Lol.

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I've tried this dating site stuff twice only but have had various freak outs, panics or whatever you'd like to call it... I think I'm just too scared to create another one x good luck though as the whole privacy thing is an absolute bother to me 

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On 12/16/2017 at 6:40 PM, clever-username said:

Me too :)

I'm still not too happy about trying to meet someone online since it freaks me out but I really don't have a choice. I don't like going to crowded places so going to a bar would be out and I don't really have any ties to anyone in the lgbt community around here (not that it's really hopping considering how rural I am). I'd much prefer getting set up by a friend or something since I would be able to be more comfortable around them knowing my friend trusts them.

Most of the lesbian bars these days are closed.  As it was, there were way fewer lesbian bars than gay bars, but both have been disappearing as more people date using sites and apps.  

Are you committed to staying where you are?  Have you considered moving to a more metro area where you might meet more women?

You can also try Meetup groups.  Don’t limit yourself to LGBT groups; check out whatever interests you might have, including your nerdy ones.

Speaking of nerd, some are more put off than others, but speak to your specific kind of nerddom.  I know I have tended to gravitate toward nerds over the years!  Someone who is put off by that isn’t the right woman for you, anyway.  The right woman will be interested in you for you.

Another suggestion, open yourself up to more than one site/app.  I had a profile on Plenty of Fish, though I rarely logged into it.  It had been at least a month since I’d checked it when I got a message from my now-GF.  I’m glad I was on there!!  

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Re: lesbian bars if anybody's in Arizona, Boycott looks good. It's in the 7th St area of Phoenix. I'll be attending their New Year's Party.

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8 hours ago, BiTriMama said:

Most of the lesbian bars these days are closed.  As it was, there were way fewer lesbian bars than gay bars, but both have been disappearing as more people date using sites and apps.  

Are you committed to staying where you are?  Have you considered moving to a more metro area where you might meet more women?

You can also try Meetup groups.  Don’t limit yourself to LGBT groups; check out whatever interests you might have, including your nerdy ones.

Speaking of nerd, some are more put off than others, but speak to your specific kind of nerddom.  I know I have tended to gravitate toward nerds over the years!  Someone who is put off by that isn’t the right woman for you, anyway.  The right woman will be interested in you for you.

Another suggestion, open yourself up to more than one site/app.  I had a profile on Plenty of Fish, though I rarely logged into it.  It had been at least a month since I’d checked it when I got a message from my now-GF.  I’m glad I was on there!!  

Yeah, I pretty committed to staying where I am; I'm actually working on buying my parent's house since they're going to be building a new one on another part of our land so definitely not interested in moving.  I've tried using me Meetup groups in the past (more for just meeting new people in general) and there were a few that seemed like they would be fun but it looks like they haven't had anything going on for a few years. 

I've always been a bit hesitant to talk about my nerd-ness which I think is because not many people I know are into the same things so I usually just keep it to myself.  I know I should try to get past that since I know that there are a lot of people out there who probably like what I like (especially I like stuff like Supernatural, those fans are everywhere, haha) it's just a hard habit to break.

I may have to try some other sites just of make sure I have a wide pool of people.  

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Interesting that I ran across your post . I totally get it . I just wrote a post about how to find feminine women ...because I am finding it hard on dating sites . Most women I am attracted to I assume are straight . Bad gaydar lol .....And actually most are married or with a guy . So I find it tough ...but try a couple sites ...you can also put yourself as hidden and just reachout to someone you might like to meet without being out there for all to see. 

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On 12/23/2017 at 9:36 PM, gwnanc said:

Interesting that I ran across your post . I totally get it . I just wrote a post about how to find feminine women ...because I am finding it hard on dating sites . Most women I am attracted to I assume are straight . Bad gaydar lol .....And actually most are married or with a guy . So I find it tough ...but try a couple sites ...you can also put yourself as hidden and just reachout to someone you might like to meet without being out there for all to see. 

I'm definitely considering more that one site. I'm on match.com right now and I'm not impressed with the set up and even though I specified I was looking for women, I keep getting very obviously straight men in my suggested matches. 

I want to find a site that makes it easier to talk to people. Like, these sites claim to match you up with people who have the same interests  but the interests they pick are either super vague or strangely specific; for example on match.com, they asked me if I like movies which is a pretty damn wide area but then in the same question they asked if I like to play cards. I'd rather have a site that has forums or something you for different topics so you could learn more about people as people before you start thinking about dating them. I feel like that would feel more natural.

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Someone suggested which was good ... meetup.com which is different groups to hangout .. meet people without the pressure of dating. We just don’t have alot of women’s groups in my area . 

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On 17/12/2017 at 1:29 PM, clever-username said:

This is definitely one of my concerns since I am a huge nerd. There's really no way to make being a nerd sound good without someone getting to know you first but when you say that you're a nerd, their minds go to stereotypes and nine times out of ten, they pass you by (at least that's my guess.) But at the same time I don't want to be dishonest and not tell them since my nerd-y interests are a big part of my life and anyone I would want to get into a relationship with would need to understand that I don't plan on giving those things up.

Plus I have to find a way to make being an introvert sound good since "I like to stay home and do nothing but putter around the house and watch tv after a long work week" doesn't seem like it would be appealing to anyone but me, haha

Oh my gosh I thought it was cool to be a nerd?!? One of the female only dating sites I joined I’d say at least 30% of people were self proclaimed (and proud) nerds! 

And all kinds of nerd-dom. 

I would totally date a nerd even though I can’t say I am one myself. Let your inner nerd out! It’s a good chance to embrace your full self ;) 

but I totally understand the photo thing, just put a generic picture you like that might say something about yourself.

And as far the introvert/staying at home thing, there were profiles I saw saying similar stuff (including mine about liking to hang at home!). One of the sites even has a space you can check (optional) about how often you exercise and I was pleasantly surprised to see that there were people who ticked “occasionally” or “don’t exercise”.. not all of us are or can be gym junkies ;) 

I suppose try to keep you identity as private and anonymous as possible for safety, peace of mind etc, but with that try to use the chance to be who you really are, afterall you don’t want to get involved with people you’ve attracted based on hiding parts of yourself, especially when those very traits will be celebrated by the right compatible person for you. 

Good luck!  

 

 

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11 hours ago, Ximena said:

But at the same time I don't want to be dishonest and not tell them since my nerd-y interests are a big part of my life and anyone I would want to get into a relationship with would need to understand that I don't plan on giving those things up.

I don't see any problem with dating a nerd. You're being nerd is one of the things about you but not all about you. You have other attributes that you may not be aware of but others will find attractive or interesting enough to be drawn to you.  I got infatuated with someone who's a geek and anti-feminist (how about that?!) and even that couldn't undo what I felt for her because of her kindness to people, authenticity, humility, simplicity, and positivity in life. 

Sure you don't want to give up something that you deem a big part of your life. The question lies in how you are going to adjust in a relationship that will take away some of your time and energy from the usual stuff that you normally do. How much are you willing to give to adapt in someone's life as she adapts in yours?  It's a two-way thing. If you can show in your profile that you're not a nerdy person who's in your own world all the time then maybe you can attract more sensible women who'll give you a shot. Although,  if you want somebody to date you because of you being a nerd, then that's a whole different topic to discuss about. 

Edited by blueberry
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