Dancing_Butterflies

Victim Of Abuse: I hid it for years...

4 posts in this topic

I was abused by years. I think it was six years on and off. Sometimes my memory is so jaded by the abuse. Anytime I tried to leave he would threaten me, emotional blackmail me or threaten to kill me. I won't say a lot in here because I don't want to upset anyone. On November 8th he disappeared on me and I'll never forget what he said....

"Nobody else will ever love you. Because your so F- up!"

Those words repeat in my head a lot and I have horrible nightmares too. Sometimes I have really good days and other days all I do is cry. The pain hurts so much. I'll cry my eyes out till the point my stomach hurts. He was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, he gaslighted me, poured alcohol over my head and told me I was fat when I honestly wasn't fat at all. Anytime I spoke up for myself, he would disappear as a form of punishment. Other times I remember him speeding down the road full speed to try to scare me. I'd reach for the door handle and grip it tight in case we died or we got into a car accident. My heart would be racing so fast. I've tried to leave so many times and the threats got worse and worse each time. Overtime I got panic attacks and now I'm in this deep dark depression. Many people don't really speak to me anymore and I can understand this. I don't expect much from people at all. I just want friends, maybe talk about other topics or someone who truly understands how I feel. But many people think I'll drag them down by my PTSD symptoms. Anytime I know I'm getting bad, I log offline and focus on art. And if I need to cry, I wait till I'm alone in my room and cry out my heart. It's not good to bottle things in anyways.

Just hope there's someone out there who truly understands how I feel and won't be judgmental or tell me that I deserve it. 

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You are not alone.

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.

You are lucky to be free of him!!!  I hope you don't have to deal with a divorce or a kid with this person?

My ex was a more covert abuser, definitely a lot of gaslighting and manipulation.  His threats were more suicidal, but he would do the speeding car thing, try to tell me no one else would love me, give me the silent treatment, etc.  I have PTSD, even 3 years later, though it's MUCH better than it was.  The first few months after I left (my choice) were really rough.  Lots of nightmares.  I've had panic attacks, and still feel them coming on occasionally, though I can manage them better now.  Mostly they happen before we go to court.  3 years later, our divorce is still not final, and I am fighting for custody of our son.

Have you seen a trauma counselor yet?  That will be REALLY helpful.  It sounds like you could use the validation and coping skills that can come from that.  It will also help you break the cycle and hopefully find healthier partners down the road.

I'm glad you have art to help you through this, and that you're letting it out through crying.  You're right, bottling it up only makes it worse.

I started a thread a few months ago, and I linked it here.  Abuse is no joke, and it takes a lot to get past.  Check out some of the links on this thread.

When you are in a better place, you will find love again.  You are worthy of love, real love that doesn't hurt.  It is out there.  I finally have it now, and it's amazing.  But it also takes work not to slip into old habits of a "battered wife."  Both of us have had unhealthy relationships in the past and are doing a lot of self-work.  I have to work hard not to let fear drive my decisions and actions.

 

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I diito what @BiTriMama said.

You definetely did not deserve to be treated that way. I think being told constantly over and over again something good or bad we believe it, must find a way to counter act what that person ( was tempted to type a very bad word) put you through.. perhaps counseling is your best option..

Do not think for one minute your not worthy of love... you most certainly are!!!  Hang in there my friend and keep fighting the good fight.

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This is a big step for you to open up about this to us. I echo the above comments. You do not deserve such treatment from him or anyone. I'm sorry that people have distanced themselves from you at a time when you need them most. The ones who do stay are worth their weight in gold. You are not your baggage. You will find true friends again, maybe even on this sight. I hope 2018 brings you healing.

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