Bi-photo36

Hello Everyone

10 posts in this topic

Hello everyone,

I am new to the site but so far it has been helpful (thanks). I have only recently realized my bisexual identity after years of internal struggle.  However, with the struggle has come some inner peace. I have started coming out to certain friends and their response has been positive and supportive. I am not foolish enough to believe everyone will have the same reactions.

There are a few people I am concerned about coming out to though. One of those people is one of my best friends of over 20 years. She is more like family and has been supportive of most things over the years. There have been times when she has been critical and/or judgmental. I am afraid she will think I have been lying to her when I didn't know myself. I also don't know how to bring it up in conversation.

The other people I am concerned about are my parents (well most of my family-but mainly my parents).   I don't fear for my safety but for rejection. I have often felt distant or disconnected from my family and afraid this might make things worse. My dad is from an older generation and not always open-minded. I worry about questions that I am not prepared to answer. My mom has said she wants me to be happy but I'm not sure if she means that with a man (or a woman)or just in life generally. Also I live about 3 states away so most communication is usually over the phone.

To complicate matters, my mom has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and my dad has become her caretaker. I know they are both stressed in different ways and time is limited. I don't want to add to their stress but I am afraid I will regret not telling her. I'm not sure if I should wait and tell my dad after she passes or at least until there is a someone to tell about.  Is there ever a good time? Should the conversation be in person or over the phone?

Thanks in advance for any help or advice.

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Welcome @Bi-photo36 glad you're finding this place helpful. 

Firstly, re your parents, personally I don't think it needs to be said. My parents are deeply religious and would never understand, so I get where you're coming from. I think I would only tell them when I was in a GG relationship with someone special. Otherwise, they don't need to know. But thats just me. I understand that you want to be honest with them but why would you regret not telling them? I think you do what's right at the time. So if it's something you need to do then go for it. If not, then its probably not worth it. 

As for your friend, she might surprise you. I told my best friend after a few drinks, so alcohol definitely helps! Highly recommend that. She could tell i wanted to say something so it was easy for me to open up cos she was firing questions at me. She's been very supportive, even if she doesn't understand, but I knew she would be and keeping it from her was never an option. Tbh if she hadn't been supportive then she wouldn't have been the great friend I thought she was. 

I wish you the best of luck. Just do what feels right at the time.

Enjoy the site!

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Welcome to the site!  If you haven't already, be sure to check out How Our Forum Works to see the site rules and other helpful posts.

It's wonderful that you're starting to come out, and that you've had such encouraging responses so far!  You're right, not everyone will respond the same way, but some people may surprise you.  Your sexuality is a bigger deal for you than for anyone else, and it's easy to let fear step in and keep you from being out and open.

I agree with @lsroses about keeping your parents on a need-to-know basis.  Right now, you're not dating someone and building a life with someone who is a woman, correct?  Maybe as you start dating, if you meet a woman, then it might be time to take that plunge with your parents, but until then, keep things as they are.  I will say that there never is a "good" time.  I was terrified to tell my dad I was gay.  I waited 8 years to tell him.  On Christmas as he was switching laundry.  As a super conservative Christian, I was surprised he wasn't a dick about it (as he is about most things).  He said he just wanted me to be happy, and that was that.

I told my mom (who was WAY easier, as she's pretty nonjudgmental and open) in line at a restaurant.  She adores my girlfriend.

I also agree that coming out to your friend is a good thing, and while it may be scary, it's important.  One of my closest childhood friends is pretty conservative, and I wasn't sure how she would take it, but she was totally cool about it. As far as alcohol, I'd say it depends on how you and your friend are with alcohol in you!  Some people get mean, and obviously that's not someone you want to tell with alcohol in them.  Be honest with her that you didn't know this about yourself before, and that you've been afraid to come out.  That vulnerability, if she's a good friend, will help keep her from attacking you for this, and probably help her comfort you a bit.

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Thank you for the help. I will tell my friend, it's just a matter of time and confidence. My parents-well that's completely different. I'm still not sure what I'll do but hoping to figure it soon. 

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Hi and welcome  :)

I can't say I can advise you because I don't feel the need to say anything to anyone. I've made my peace with myself and I am good. I agree with @lsroses in the parents part and the special someone part.

My family is religious to a point of blindness too. 

It's only up to you what you will do. You have to decide if it's worth it and if you can handle the after, either you say your parents or not.  

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Welcome! 

Sometimes the perfect time to come out is when it is done on the spur of the moment. Remember, though, that at this stage, the last thing you want is a judgmental and a harsh environment. You are just opening up and so what you need is a lot of support to boost your spirit. This is your personal journey and you can come out to your bestfriend and parents when you're ready. What is being ready then? As for me, being ready is when I'm comfortable in my own skin; when I'm happy to be who I am and the opinion of others don't matter anymore. My brother knew about me but my mum didn't.  I had thought about telling it but my gut was telling me not to, that it might not be a good idea and it'd bruise me. I don't feel the need to tell my mum these days. I don' t think about it. Maybe one day it'll just happen on the spur of the moment. 

Goodluck and stay in touch here if you need to. Happy New Year! 

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I would like for the conversation to happen organically with my parents but I can't ever see that happening. I'm afraid I will regret not telling my mom, like a missed opportunity or something. I suspect that my brother knows but is waiting for me to confirm it.  

I have thought about telling my mom separately from my dad since she is more likely to be understanding. It's a new year with new hopes.

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I agree with what was said about waiting until you are in a gg relationship and it's serious. I had to tell my mom because my ex husband decided to send her this long message about how he had tried to help me and be patient with me but I wouldn't listen to him and how I was cheating on him by just being on this site. What a joke. When I did finally meet netty, the love of my life, and it became serious, it was time to tell my mom the truth. She's an ultra conservative religious person and she didn't understand how I could be this way. I think she just thought it would be a phase for me and things would end and I would come back to the "truth". Well the "truth" is that I am bisexual and I still have my faith, I'm just spiritual not religious. As for my dad, well he totally gets it because his gf has a daughter who's gay and has a partner and they've been together for a long time and recently did a commitment ceremony before gay marriage was made legal nationwide.

As for you best friend, you just have to see how she responds when you give her maybe some hints but don't full on tell her and see how she responds. I have a best friend that's seen me through a lot of stuff and I've seen her through a lot of stuff. Both of us having two failed marriages and one of her husbands committing suicide. I told her about my fiance only after we were engaged and in a serious relationship. We both went to the same church together, so she was surprised but she's happy for me that I'm happy and she does not judge me or give me a hard time. You just have to kind of maybe hint around and see how she responds. She may surprise you and say that she kind of already knew but didn't want to say anything.

With anyone else that's your choice. No one really has to know until you find that girl you want to be with, then maybe it might be time to come out. Your mom doesn't have to know that about you unless you want to tell her. It might be best to not say anything at all, like I said, unless you meet someone and it get serious.

Hope this helps :) Welcome to shys glad you found us! Enjoy

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23 hours ago, Bi-photo36 said:

I would like for the conversation to happen organically with my parents but I can't ever see that happening. I'm afraid I will regret not telling my mom, like a missed opportunity or something. I suspect that my brother knows but is waiting for me to confirm it.  

I have thought about telling my mom separately from my dad since she is more likely to be understanding. It's a new year with new hopes.

That’s not the worst idea.  Rarely does the conversation happen organically- you might have to bring up a topic that invites the conversation.  

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A quick update, I told my best friend a couple days ago. Overall it wasn't much of surprise to her since she suspected it a couple years ago. However she was still very supportive and that made it easier. Turns out my fears were completely unfounded.

I also told my mom but given her health condition at the time (end stage ALS), I'm not sure she heard me. I want to believe she did hear me though. Ultimately I know she wanted me to be happy in my life, and I feel better knowing I didn't miss an opportunity to be true to myself. 

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