crushing

In love

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Hi, 

First time on this type of forum, but I'm reaching out since I need some guidance. I am 47 and have always been straight, no question about it. Never once felt an attraction to another woman until just a few months ago. The feeling was strange to me, yet at the same time exciting. I found myself falling in love or crushing on my lesbian friend who had recently broken up with her serious long distance girlfriend. I felt so confused and the feelings of love and lust for her were building up inside me. She thought that I was straight because I was when I met her and then we became friends. My feelings for her started shifting from friendship to romantic and deep love for her. Wow! It is one crazy, but fun ride! I get so excited to see her and get butterflies in my stomach. I look for ways to get close to her, emotionally and physically. I have not told her how I feel, but I feel that she knows by my actions. We have been hanging out together more and more and lately they feel more like dates. But she is still heartbroken over her ex and it makes it hard to move forward with our relationship in any way. Well, as if this doesn't seem complicated enough, we also work together. I'm afraid to act on my feelings since it could adversely affect our friendship and our work life. How do I know if she has romantic feelings towards me? Yesterday, we spent New Year's Eve together with another friend. I had a few too many drinks and got brave. We were dancing together and then I found myself behind her caressing her belly and hips and pulling her closer to me. She didn't seem to mind it at first. In fact she was rubbing her arms up against my breasts. It felt amazing, but then she slowly tried to get away when I tried to get to her neck with my mouth. I don't know if she just got freaked out because things were moving so quickly or what. I kept following her around the dance floor and we got back into that position several times. Each time she was grooving into me as well and seemed to enjoy it. But then suddenly she was done and moved away slowly from me. I felt hurt by her rejection. So then I did a really stupid thing and starting dancing with this guy. He was getting very physically close to me and I didn't know that she was watching me. Ugh! I only did it because I was so hurt by her rejection and I just wanted to feel desirable again. Our other friend that was there as well, pulled me away from this guy and asked me if I was ok. I told her we should just leave. Then my crush told me that they weren't sure if I was enjoying it. I said, "Meh. It's just nice to get some attention rather than no attention from somebody." They said that the guy was really into me and they wanted me to get a chance to break away. This morning I apologized to her for all of my actions. I felt so embarrassed and I was extremely apologetic. She told me not to worry about it and that tequila makes people do things they normally wouldn't do. That everything was fine, but I don't feel they are now. I asked her to tell me what I did that offended her. She said that nothing I did offended her and that I should just let it go. In fact, she wouldn't have thought about it at all except that I brought it up to her today. She thought that I was being too hard on myself. But I think I screwed this up royally. The whole thing is probably just too complicated for her to pursue. Also, I don't know if now she thinks that I was just drunk and didn't mean my advances towards her. Last night just got too out of hand. I feel so sad when I think that I may have ruined a really great thing by my rash and thoughtless actions. Maybe I should just come right out and tell her how I feel about her, but it's so scary to be that forthright. I want her to be my girlfriend so bad. I want to be able to kiss her and tell her that I love her. The fear of rejection and awkwardness stop me from being bold and honest with her about my feelings. Please help me figure out an action plan that is smarter than last night's. From what I have told you, does it seem that she is interested in me too? How can I know for certain? I'm helplessly in love with her and I need a resolution to this situation quickly. I've been waiting for the right time for several months now. 

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First, welcome to the site!  If you haven’t already, be sure to check out How Our Forum Works to see the site rules and other helpful posts.

Next, you have a major uphill battle here, and dancing with the guy that night set you back even more.

A smart lesbian knows not to mess with a straight girl with alcohol in her system, and if you two have become as close as you describe, she probably doesn’t want to mess with the friendship, either.  Plus, most lesbians have no desire to be someone’s experiment.

One big mistake we often make (and you’ll see it all over this site) is trying to send subtle signals, or reading into what may or may not be signals from her.  It is crazy making, and it’s so easy for things to be misinterpreted.

Your best bet?  Be bold and clear with her.  Is it scary?  Yup.  But I can tell you from experience that you will get an answer one way or the other and know where you stand.  My last two girlfriends (including my current) have had to be explicitly clear and state in no uncertain terms their intentions with me.  There were lots of signals leading up to that, but I also didn’t want to misread anything.

Don't let fear drive your choices.  Decisions based on fear rarely work in your favor.  Courage is not an absence of fear, it is acting in the face of fear.  It was really flattering and quite a turn on from both women when they were very clear that they were into me.  I’m both cases, they knew I identify as gay.

In your case, she knows you as nothing but straight, so the onus is on you to let her know otherwise.  I wouldn’t necessarily tell her you love her (that’s a big bomb to drop), but be honest about how you feel.

Often with women, crushes are different than with men.  It’s more of a slow simmer, like you have to get to know her first, but from there, that flame burns BRIGHT.  Relationships between women are very intense, so be prepared for that if things go that way.  It’s not uncommon for crushes to develop the ways your did.  

Don’t sit on this too much longer.  Stay sober when you talk to her, and try to do it when you’re alone, not with friends or at work.

Good luck!

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Thank you for your response and advice. I was afraid that everything you mentioned above would be the case. I know that I'll need to act on this quickly before I lose the opportunity all together. She has been on some dating apps lately and is looking to meet somebody. I need to be bold and straight forward. Do you think that if she's not into me romantically, she'll feel awkward afterwards or it'll just be flattering? I don't want to risk losing her friendship all together. Have you ever experienced this interaction with somebody that you didn't have the same feelings for? If she rejects me, I'll probably be devastated. I really really like having her in my life. I have fallen so hard for her. She's all I can think about lately. Crushes suck when you have no idea if the feeling is mutual. But if it goes the way I hope for it to go it will be amazing and intense. Thanks again for your input!

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17 hours ago, crushing said:

Thank you for your response and advice. I was afraid that everything you mentioned above would be the case. I know that I'll need to act on this quickly before I lose the opportunity all together. She has been on some dating apps lately and is looking to meet somebody. I need to be bold and straight forward. Do you think that if she's not into me romantically, she'll feel awkward afterwards or it'll just be flattering? I don't want to risk losing her friendship all together. Have you ever experienced this interaction with somebody that you didn't have the same feelings for? If she rejects me, I'll probably be devastated. I really really like having her in my life. I have fallen so hard for her. She's all I can think about lately. Crushes suck when you have no idea if the feeling is mutual. But if it goes the way I hope for it to go it will be amazing and intense. Thanks again for your input!

If she says not into it, she will probably be flattered, but it will also likely be awkward for awhile.  That will dissipate over time.

I’ve been rejected before by someone I really liked and had liked for years.  It sucked, but I got over it.  The next few times I saw her were awkward, but we’re fine now, and I’m with someone amazing.

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To me, the worst is a non answer or not knowing. Knowing where I stand is so important for my own sense of well being. That state of reading every little gesture or every word is exhausting and can drive you crazy. It’s exhilarating at first, but to me it eventually becomes painful. And I don’t really want to ever have to live through that again. 

if she can’t handle what you tell her she probably wasn’t that great to begin with. If she handles it gracefully with either reciprocating your feelings or not, than she is someone worth having in your life. I guess what I am saying is, talking to her is worthwhile, and will get you to a better place. No matter the outcome.

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I am soooo sad tonight. I've had a few good cries. I feel like my crush is distancing herself from me. I think she knows that I am into her, but she probably doesn't feel the same. And now, I'm probably going to end up losing her friendship as well which makes me even sadder. She is on vacation right now visiting her family. And I'm pet sitting for her. So I haven't been able to talk to her about my feelings at all. I wanted to have that conversation in person while we were alone together. Anyway, I feel that since the New Years Eve incidents she is pulling away. Normally, she would respond to my texts within seconds or minutes. But now she takes hours or days to respond. Also, we had a potential trip planned to go skiing together in February as well as we had tickets to see a show together. She just cancelled both of those events because she claims that she forgot that she had another trip planned that same weekend. She said she feels awful about it, but I feel like she is now making excuses not to hang out together and do things. Maybe I'm wrong and she's being honest with me, but my instinct tells me that this is over. I wish I were wrong. I'm so confused and heartbroken. I felt many times that she liked me romantically because of many mixed signals that she sent me. Maybe I misread them, maybe I didn't and she's just scared and not ready for a relationship. Besides that NYE night we had gotten physically close to one another a few times when hanging out. On the sofa one night while we were talking we sat so close to each other that our bodies were touching, thighs, hips, arms and she never tried to move away from me. I felt like she enjoyed it. Why else would she have stayed in that position for what felt like hours without any sense of discomfort or repulsion? I know that if I didn't feel attracted to somebody I would move away quickly which she didn't do on multiple occasions. We've had several moments like this. However, NYE was the closest we had ever gotten physically. I think I need to let go of my feelings for her before I feel even more crushed, defeated and rejected. Well, I feel like I got my answer without having to talk to her. She probably wanted to save me my dignity. It's definitely not the answer I wanted, but I'm pretty clear now that she doesn't want this to go any further. This has been a rough ride, even though it's been fun until now. I am notorious for finding the emotionally unavailable whether it is a man or now a woman. I'm forming an obvious pattern which always leads to disappointment and rejection. Why do I do this to myself? I need to find somebody that will love me as much as I love them. Any advice, thoughts or feelings on this situation with my crush? I need help to move on and not be so heartbroken. 

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I wouldn't go so far as to assume that she never had feelings for you.  But you being all over a guy that night probably really pushed her away.

It's possible she had feelings for you before.  Or it's possible it was a flirty friendship for her, and you crossed a line that now has her feeling uncomfortable.  But you won't know unless you talk to her.  Assumptions only hurt us.  At this point, what have you got to lose?  You already feel like you're losing her.  I think the longer you wait to talk, the worse things will be.

I would guess that her feeling uncomfortable is why she canceled the trip and the show.  The timing is just awfully suspicious.  But again, talk to her.  I think at this point, both of you are making assumptions, and that's the kind of thing that gets us into trouble.  I know I have certainly been bitten in the butt hard by my own assumptions!

I have a friend that I was kinda physical that way with, but once she was clear in her own mind that she didn't want to date me, it all stopped.  I probably should have made a move like I wanted, but both of us are with different people now, and we are very close friends.  We don't talk about how things used to be versus how they are now, but I know what you mean about the touching.

When will she be back?  TALK. TO. HER.

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^that last sentence. After NYE everything you're describing is filtered through your own interpretation. She may be upset at you, she may be confused about her feelings, she may legitimately want to hang out but have crappy time management etc. You will not know until you ask her, and as @BiTriMama said if you two are already growing distant there's nothing to lose.

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I agree with the wise women above!  Yesterday I finally freaking asked the direct questions I wanted answers to and got answers today. Could have saved myself months of crying by not playing mind games earlier.

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Thank you all for giving me a shred of hope! All your advice and support has been super helpful. I have nobody else that I can talk to about this. All my friends and family think I'm straight and it would just be too hard to talk to them about this situation. Although, I know that everybody in my life would be supportive, I don't want to go there with them right now. She's back in town tonight. I will be dropping by her house after work to return her dog and I'm planning to talk to her then. I can't keep feeling this way without some sort of resolution or closure. She may not want to talk, but I will make the conversation happen one way or another. A part of me feels that there was some spark between us that now she's trying to shut off. I had asked her on New Year's Day after I apologized profusely via text to please tell me what offended her. She said that nothing I did offended her. I feel that if she was truly not attracted to me she wouldn't have let me get that close to her. And she would've been offended by my advances I would think. I will tell her that there's an obvious elephant in the room and we need to talk about it. I am the type of person to confront things head on no matter how hard it may be. I will be very clear with her and make sure she understands. Wish me luck! I have been so upset and sad about this. It's making me realize even more how much I care about her. My world feels shattered and I'm grieving very deeply right now. It's not just the loss of a possible romantic relationship that's getting to me, but also the loss of a close friend. She is the closest friend I have in NM. If things don't work themselves out tonight, I will really miss having her in my life. I'm worried that she'll think I'm some sort of creeper now. I don't want to come across as desperate or creepy. But I'm going to be honest with her about how my feelings have developed over time for her and how it felt at times that it was reciprocated. This is not the first time I have fallen in love so hard for somebody, but it is the first time with a woman. I've come to realize that it's the person and their soul that I fall in love with, not the gender or physical attributes. It is who they are as a human being. But every time it's just as painful! You would think that it would get easier with time and experience, but it doesn't. The first person I fell in love with this hard was my boss and it took me years to tell him. We constantly flirted, but he was married, much older than me and my boss. That was a complicated one, but when I finally got up the nerve to tell him how I felt he rejected me. It felt awful. But then he confessed to me a couple of years later that he felt the same way towards me. He called me a gutsy lady. So I know that I have it in me. That gutsy lady needs to come out tonight, even if she gets crushed again!

Thank you again for all your support! You guys are awesome!

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22 minutes ago, crushing said:

Thank you all for giving me a shred of hope! All your advice and support has been super helpful. I have nobody else that I can talk to about this. All my friends and family think I'm straight and it would just be too hard to talk to them about this situation. Although, I know that everybody in my life would be supportive, I don't want to go there with them right now. She's back in town tonight. I will be dropping by her house after work to return her dog and I'm planning to talk to her then. I can't keep feeling this way without some sort of resolution or closure. She may not want to talk, but I will make the conversation happen one way or another. A part of me feels that there was some spark between us that now she's trying to shut off. I had asked her on New Year's Day after I apologized profusely via text to please tell me what offended her. She said that nothing I did offended her. I feel that if she was truly not attracted to me she wouldn't have let me get that close to her. And she would've been offended by my advances I would think. I will tell her that there's an obvious elephant in the room and we need to talk about it. I am the type of person to confront things head on no matter how hard it may be. I will be very clear with her and make sure she understands. Wish me luck! I have been so upset and sad about this. It's making me realize even more how much I care about her. My world feels shattered and I'm grieving very deeply right now. It's not just the loss of a possible romantic relationship that's getting to me, but also the loss of a close friend. She is the closest friend I have in NM. If things don't work themselves out tonight, I will really miss having her in my life. I'm worried that she'll think I'm some sort of creeper now. I don't want to come across as desperate or creepy. But I'm going to be honest with her about how my feelings have developed over time for her and how it felt at times that it was reciprocated. This is not the first time I have fallen in love so hard for somebody, but it is the first time with a woman. I've come to realize that it's the person and their soul that I fall in love with, not the gender or physical attributes. It is who they are as a human being. But every time it's just as painful! You would think that it would get easier with time and experience, but it doesn't. The first person I fell in love with this hard was my boss and it took me years to tell him. We constantly flirted, but he was married, much older than me and my boss. That was a complicated one, but when I finally got up the nerve to tell him how I felt he rejected me. It felt awful. But then he confessed to me a couple of years later that he felt the same way towards me. He called me a gutsy lady. So I know that I have it in me. That gutsy lady needs to come out tonight, even if she gets crushed again!

Thank you again for all your support! You guys are awesome!

I hope which ever way it goes that the two of you will stay friends. It may be hard but if you keep talking hopefully you can wirk things out.

Good luck but by the sounds if it you have what it takes to get through this

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On 1/8/2018 at 6:08 PM, ChemFem said:

^that last sentence. After NYE everything you're describing is filtered through your own interpretation. She may be upset at you, she may be confused about her feelings, she may legitimately want to hang out but have crappy time management etc. You will not know until you ask her, and as @BiTriMama said if you two are already growing distant there's nothing to lose.

Hi! I have an important update to add. I finally got up the courage to talk to her last night! Phew! It wasn't necessarily the outcome that I wanted, but it felt good to tell her my feelings finally. And as scary as it was, I felt comfortable talking to her about it. It was somewhat of a relief actually. Anyway, she was very gracious about it all. She took the time to hear me out. She told me that she's not ready to be with anybody right now due to the fact that she's still struggling with her recent heartbreak. She claims that she had NO idea that I felt that way and thanked me for letting her know. She knows how hard that can be to do. I told her that I can be pretty courageous sometimes, with or without alcohol. Haha! I am still sad about the outcome, but I'm glad I talked to her. Our friendship may be salvageable after all, I hope! And I guess that I still have a glimmer of hope that she may change her mind later on or after she thinks it through more. The fact that she didn't say that she didn't think of me that way or only saw me as a friend or that she wasn't attracted to me, made me feel that she left it kinda open to future possibilities. I should've asked her if she felt anything towards me or if she would consider me when she was ready, but I think I was afraid to hear that answer and wanted to hang onto something to avoid feeling completely crushed. I may ask her another time about it. I do think that I caught her off guard. She listened very intently to everything I said. I started out by asking her if I could talk to her about something. She said sure and so I proceeded to tell her that I felt that after the NYE incidents our friendship has been damaged. I noticed that she's distanced herself from me. I told her that I know you said everything is fine, but I don't feel it is. I regret what happened that night. First thing she said was, "What do you mean? Which part? Was it when you were dancing with that guy?" I said, "Yes! That and several other things that happened." I asked if I could sit down because I had a lot of explaining to do. I told her that the tequila made me brave and I felt like I crossed the line with her several times that night. It felt reciprocated at times and other times you were trying to get away from me. I told her that I didn't really regret crossing that line with her except that I felt some rejection from her and I should've respected her wishes, but I kept trying to get close to her. Then this guy started dancing with me and I had no idea she was watching. I guess I just felt the need to feel attractive and desirable by somebody after feeling rejected by you. So I made a big mistake because I was drunk and danced with him. She acted like she understood my reasoning. I told her that I have always identified as straight and when I started developing feelings for her several months ago I was very confused and I needed to wrap my head around it. But I have come to terms with my feelings now and accept them. As our friendship grew my feelings for her were growing and I couldn't understand it. I've learned that my feelings are based on something deeper and a connection to somebody and that gender didn't play a role in it this time. I explained that I had never felt this way towards a woman. And of course, our situation is complex in so many ways. She's trying to recover from a broken heart, we are close friends, my sexual identity is in question AND we work together. Recipe for disaster, quite possibly?!? However, I told her that I felt the need to be honest with her about my feelings since as far as she knew I was straight. Also, I told her that besides that night I felt that we had gotten close a few times and it felt like she was reciprocating. She acted like she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her that our friendship was very important to me and I hoped that we could continue to be close friends. She said that she enjoys going on hikes with me and would like to continue doing so. I told her that I would like that as well. I don't know, I think our friendship dynamics will change and she'll probably be a little more distant but only time will tell. I hope she can turn this into a good thing and not affect us adversely. I told her that I hope she doesn't think of me as a creeper or that this will make her uncomfortable towards me. She said that is not the case. I will feel even sadder if she turns a cold shoulder or chooses to not be friends anymore. Somehow I don't think she's being completely honest with me. I feel that she may be attracted to me but doesn't want me to know. I feel that dancing with that guy that night must've hurt her feelings because she brought it up right away. If it didn't affect her in any way she wouldn't have said anything about him. And why was she watching me dance with him anyway? I believe that she's still very heartbroken by her ex and not ready for anybody, but why is she trying to do online dating? There's still a lot of unanswered questions in my head and she got all her answers because I was as clear as day with her. So now the ball is in her court if she wants to act on it. I doubt she will. How did she not know how I felt about her, especially after NYE night? She claims that she thought that I didn't mean any of those advances because I had all that tequila. And I did tell her the next day that I regretted my actions the night before. I explained to her last night that I regretted some, but not all of my actions (mainly my biggest regret was dancing with that guy). We'll see how things work themselves out after my candid conversation with her. After we cleared the air, we started talking about other things. She started to talk to me about work a lot. I think she was just nervous rambling on, but at the same time trying to create some normalcy again between us. Then we talked about our families and how much we miss being near them and about our pets. I was at her place for a good hour and a half chatting with her. It felt really nice to be so straightforward with her and the fact that she didn't freak out with my revelation to her. So as I was leaving I hugged her goodbye and thanked her for being so understanding. She gave me a good embrace in return that felt genuine and good. I don't feel like I creeped her out at all. Any thoughts or advice about this interaction between us? Am I crazy to think that there may be a slight chance for something still between us? Or do I need to let it go completely before I line myself up for more disappointment and grief? Should I talk to her further about this or will that make her run in the other direction? Life and love is so complicated and sad sometimes.

Thanks for reading my novels and responding with supportive and good advice! Don't know how I could've done this last night without your support! 

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It sounds like she was genuinely surprised at the prospect of attraction between you two and wanted to let you down easy. I would put any thought lf future romance out of your mind and just continue working on the friendship. A period of awkwardness usually follows a declaration of feelings, but it shouldn't last too long hopefully.

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I guess that I'm hanging on to a little glimmer of hope for self preservation purposes. It is hard to accept that somebody doesn't have the same feelings towards you. I am grieving right now. It will probably take me a while to get over this, but I am trying to move on as best I can. Moments of sadness hit me suddenly at times. I just cry my eyes out and hug my pets until I feel a little better. My problem is that I love pretty intensely so it's a bit harder for me to move forward. 

Any helpful advice or thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

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Let yourself grieve. I've found in the past with the objects of my unrequited affections that I needed distance from them to get my head screwed on straight before I tried to be platonic friends again. It really hurts and there's not much I can say to soothe your pain except to say jt's better than uncertainty.

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@crushing Hi and I'm sorry you are going through all of this! It's so scary, yet exciting, and now sad. I get it.

I feel like in your situation, I relate most to your crush friend. I am now openly a lesbian and had a similar situation recently where a 'straight' friend and I got really close. It was pretty heavy flirting and I can relate to the talks about the bonding. However, I decided to break the ice first. As in, hey, this friendship is getting blurry, can you help me define it? She is also married so that complicated things. However, if she was open with her husband and wanted to mess around with me, I was willing haha. But she froze up when I tried to talk to her openly about this stuff. She didn't say there were no feelings, but said she couldn't persue a romantic relationship with me.  I hurt for a bit but just tried to move on and still be a good friend. That was a few months ago and now, she's being really flirty again but I'm not feeling it at all! I can't take the headgames and lack of open communication. It's definitely a turn-off.

Wow, since I started writing this post, she approached me and said she's upset about the distance between us. We also work together. I really don't know what to do, but I know I can't just go back to the way things were or more. 

I'm sorry, this is probably not helpful to you. I do wish you the best with your situation. 

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Yup, I have moments of utter sadness, especially in the mornings and evenings when I'm not distracted by work. If work is busy, my mind is occupied and I forget about my sadness. Although being at work is hard because I see her there and it's a constant reminder of the rejection. We work in different departments, but we work together quite often. It has been awkward ever since our frank conversation, but I guess it's not as bad as it could be. I think she is trying to maintain distance. I wish things could go back to how they were. I'm hoping that our friendship can survive this, but only time will tell. So far, it seems that she is respecting my request to keep this secret between us. I'm glad for that at least since I don't want my job jeopardized because of this. I believe that she wouldn't do that to me. I hope! Anyway, I am trying to move forward for my own well being. I have joined a couple of dating sites and am trying to find other activities to meet new friends. Although, at times I feel like I can't be excited about anybody else. I'll need time to resolve this in my heart and mind, but I'm hoping to be able to move on. My glimmer of hope of any future romance with her is dissipating. I know that I just need to move on. It will be hard for a while, but I'll need to carry on and be strong. And maybe one day we can be close friends again without any weird feelings or hang ups. 

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Yeah, I know it's hard. I am also having a hard time maintaining my friendship without awkwardness. Working together makes it more difficult, especially when there are issues there independent of everything else....sigh.

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I've had some super hard days of grief and sadness. Lately, she seems angry or irritated at me. She's acting very dismissive in all of my interactions with her. I don't think our friendship will survive these times and that makes me even sadder. I'm not sure why she's treating me this way. I know that she's been very stressed at work lately, but she never used to take it out on me. She would just vent to me about it. I feel like she just wants me out of her life all together. This surprises me because she was so graceful and kind towards me when I told her my feelings. And she's always been good and kind to me. This is not a side of her that I'm used to seeing. I feel so hurt by her actions, but maybe I'm just being sensitive. Or maybe I just didn't know her as well as I thought. I texted her and asked her if she wanted to go for a hike this weekend and she said no because she's tired and had lots of work stuff to do. I invited her for the hike because she told me that she would like to continue that, therefore I didn't feel like I was overstepping boundaries. As hard as it will be for me, I really feel like I'm going to have to step away from her completely. I'm really bummed that we are losing our friendship. I feel it slipping through my fingers. Anybody have any idea why she would be feeling anger towards me? I have been nothing but good, kind and generous towards her. If this is who she truly is, then maybe it's best that she's not in my life. Ugh!!! I wish things would be smoother for us and not so awkward. I was hopeful after I talked to her that things would be ok. But they are not and I wish I could reverse everything I did and said to her. The damage is now done and all I can do is try to mend this broken friendship or move on. 

I have been chatting with some guys from this online dating site to help get my mind and heart off of her. It helps at times, but I keep reverting back to her in my thoughts. This is going to take time and lots of strength to push forward. Boy, do I hurt!! I've been crying on and off every day since New Year's. What a shitty way to start the year with a broken heart and the loss of a very close friend! Do you think that she'll eventually get over this awkwardness and anger and accept me in her life again? Please send me your thoughts and advice on this. 

Thank you!

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Again, I feel like we are on opposite sides of the same coin, so to speak. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I think my friend has been trying to return our friendship to its former glory as well and I find myself getting more and more irritated by it. I'm not saying that what I'm feeling is definitely what your crush friend is feeling, but there may be similarities I suppose. This is purely my experience...take from it what you will...and sorry for the novel!

We were great friends and coworkers, and we got very close. Close mentally, emotionally, and a few times physically but yet reserved (nothing like your dancing adventures!) Yes, we were somewhat flirty with each other and really connected deeply with eye contact, deep conversations, etc. I do incidentally also find her attractive. However, I never thought anything about the nature of our friendship beyond just that: friendship. I too am recently out of a relationship (10 years with a great woman, we just grew apart), and my friend had been a wonderful support throughout the slow breakup. She is married to a man, and I figured she was just one of those women who could really connect and tended to be flirty. Yet was completely straight. No big deal - they're everywhere!

After my breakup became 'official,' she took it up a notch. Constant flirting, compliments, gazing into my eyes waaay longer than appropriate. Told me her marriage was just a business relationship for their kids. Cut her wedding band off her finger after 20 years and communicated to me vaguely about the circumstances. Told me she loved me, loved our friendship, loved the way I made her think, said I was cute, complimented my haircut (short n spiky), my perfume, my clothes. Always finding reasons to be near me, call me, talk to me, etc.

On my side, I slowly grew to see a potential relationship here. I mean, who wouldn't with all of that attention?! The tension built for about 2 months. There came a point where it was 1am, we'd been drinking a bit and talking deep stuff in a hotel room (work trip) for hours. I wanted her so badly then, and I just knew that if I made a move, she'd reciprocate. But I didn't, not without being crystal clear about what she wanted. I knew her marriage was rocky, but felt I had no right to tread on it. So I tried to talk to her about everything. Told her I was attracted, and that I felt I was getting signs she felt the same. I told her that the line between friends and more was getting fuzzy, would she help me define it? I was so nervous, bumbling, really. It didn't come out right, and she ended up misinterpreting my message to 'hey this is fuzzy, you're sending me all these signals, knock it off.' Oi....

We talked again a week later. I confirmed that she was confused about what I'd said and I clarified my feelings. I got the feedback I was looking for and she asked a lot of questions. Essentially her answer was that she'd never had a female friend like me, she liked me a lot, but didn't want to pursue a romantic relationship. I reeled for a bit from the rejection, but tried to respect where she was coming from despite my belief that she wanted more. Weeks passed and there was some distance but for the most part I felt good about our friendship staying intact. These things take time... Meanwhile I joined an online support group, made some actually awesome online friends, spent more time with family, etc. These things kept me busy and my mind off my friend...for the most part.

Fast forward a bit again. I was struggling with a few things - grief for a lost family member, trouble with my former partner, etc. I let my friend know that I was having a hard time. Her response was literally to turn around and walk away! I don't know if she just thought I needed 'a moment' or that I was upset over her, or what? This kind of thing happened a couple of times. It pissed me off because I ALWAYS ask her what's wrong, console her, and listen to her vent about whatever's troubling her when she's having a bad day. Why couldn't she reciprocate? I tried to initiate stuff outside of work (lunch, drink after, etc) and every time, she turned me down/made some excuse. At that point I was like, fuck it, I guess that's it. But whatever, we still work together and I figured as long as we can keep working together professionally, fine. I don't need all the extra drama right now in my life anyway.

Then, last week, out of nowhere, she started in on the flirty shit again. Like, hardcore! Comments, eye contact, getting close to me, flaunting a new skirt and making me really investigate the damn thing in my office, saying she missed us talking/hanging out, etc. Her behavior made my head spin, and not in a good way. When I didn't play along for a couple of days, she became sulky? I guess for lack of a better word. It culminated in her declaration to me that she felt work was coming between us as friends, eyes teared up to the brim. I told her that although there have been some challenges at work, I thought it was 'other stuff' that really came between us. At this point the tears spilled out and she backed out of my office, mumbling stuff I couldn't hear. A few minutes later, her office door slammed (I'm assuming it's related). We have not spoken privately since.

I'm upset, to a point. In a way, I just want to walk away. On the other hand, I do care for her and recognize that she's unhappy and likely struggling to make sense of her feelings for me, or perhaps her sexuality as a whole. But the way she's going about it....not working for me at all! I want open, honest conversations, regularly. No games, no assumptions. I don't think I'm going to get that. 

Again, I don't know if anything here will speak to you, but I do wish you the best. 

 

 

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Hi,

I agree that we are in similar situations, but at the same time on opposite sides. However, I feel that I have been more honest and open with my crush than your friend has been with you. It's possible that these feelings are scaring your friend and she just doesn't know how to act. My opinion, there's an obvious mutual attraction between the 2 of you that she's not ready to face, but working together doesn't help people move on and creates a lot of awkwardness. Trust me, I'm a testament to that! 

My crush seems to be less angry/irritated at me lately, but is still strongly pulling away. Losing her friendship and the closeness that we shared as friends is the hardest thing for me to accept right now. I am still deeply grieving this loss, but yesterday I decided to return to therapy to make positive forward movement in my life and get my head back on right. It was soooo helpful to express my feelings and get feedback. Deep down I feel that my crush does have feelings for me as well, but she's unwilling to admit it. When I think back about all our text conversations, face to face conversations, moments of physical and emotional closeness/bonding and what culminated to the ultimate last moments of our closeness on New Years Eve, there is NO way that she didn't have some feelings for me. I am not making this up in my mind. The way things moved on that dance floor that night is not something that would happen if there was no mutual attraction or feelings. Not to mention all the other prior incidents of physical and emotional closeness that we shared. I really felt that she played dumb that night when I expressed my feelings towards her and how I felt that she was reciprocating at times. I'm sorry, but I think that there were too many signs/signals to ignore and women are much more open and receptive to those instincts than men are. Men can definitely be clueless about these things, but women tend to be more in tune. So I really believe that she wasn't as clueless as she claims. Besides, I feel that even though she enjoyed those moves on the dance floor, she just got really scared when that physical closeness actually was taken several notches up. She backed out because she didn't know what else to do. Also, when I apologized to her multiple times for my behavior she kept saying everything was fine, but I know that it wasn't. Last time I apologized she asked if I was referring to dancing with that guy. That was my biggest mistake and I told her that. I explained that since she was sending me mixed signals and I felt rejected by her at times throughout the night, I felt the desire to feel attractive and wanted by somebody. This guy gave me that at that moment when I needed it, but I had no idea that she was watching me. I had no intention of hurting her with that, but rather I was looking to stroke my ego back into confidence. I know that probably hurt her feelings. Why else would she bring him up several days later? Also, why did she send our friend to rescue me from him? I think she felt awkward to approach us so she decided to send somebody else to stop it from happening. Then when I stepped away from him she gave me a very disapproving look and then questioned if I was enjoying it. I definitely didn't feel indifference on her behalf, but rather upset/disappointment. My therapist last night believes that she may be distancing from me because she's very scared and not ready for a relationship. She feels that running away from a situation is typical behavior from somebody that is scared. Even though I haven't given her all the details about our relationship, she felt that there are feelings on my crush's behalf that she is not ready to face. Regardless of what happens next, I am moving into a better place with all of this. Maybe, she'll eventually lose the fear that is stopping her from something that could be wonderful for her. Maybe she will always remain distant now or maybe she'll get over it and move forward as friends. Whatever ends up happening, I am proud of the fact that I could face my fear of rejection and be honest with myself and her about my raw feelings. I know that she may not appreciate it at the moment, but eventually she will realize that it took a lot of courage and strength to confront my feelings about her and hopefully she'll admire my honesty and fearless attitude. In the meantime, I will do my best to move forward with my life, find some peace and try to mend our friendship. 

I hope that you are able to mend things as well and find peace with it all. It's easier said than done, but all the more power to us if we can overcome this. 

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So I think that my friendship with my crush is damaged beyond repair. I feel like she wants me out of her life completely. If we didn't work together she probably would have severed all ties. I have tried to reach out to her several times since our conversation and she either ignores my texts or politely declines all invites. She seems angry and frustrated all the time now. I have also given her plenty of space. Maybe I didn't really know her as well as I thought and now I get to see her true colors. If this is who she truly is then I don't want to be with her anyway. She has turned into a real jerk lately. I feel devastated to have lost the close friendship that we had. I don't know what I should do to try to mend it or at least make things less awkward. It's been such a roller coaster ride for me! I thought that my candid conversation with her went so smoothly. I felt that our friendship would remain unscathed. After all, why would anybody hate somebody that loves them? I understand not loving them back, but the anger and rejection I have been feeling from her has been tough. How could I have been so wrong about her as a person? Did I create this amazing person in my mind that doesn't exist? Or is she just so confused and scared by it all that she has turned ugly on me to create more distance between us? I'm thinking that I'll give her another week or 2 of space and then confront her about our friendship. I want to know if she doesn't want to continue this friendship then I'll quit trying to mend it. It has become super painful for me to deal with. Any words of advice, wisdom or encouragement would be great!  Ugh, men are so much easier to figure out than women!! Women, we are such complex beings! Darn it, why did I have to grow feelings for her other than friendship?!? I am going to need lots of time to recover from this wounded heart. Life can really suck sometimes!!

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I relate to your situation so much. Read my thread called “friend crush” it also seemed to me like it went well when I told my crush my feelings although she never quite said if she reciprocated. When I tried

to confront her about it the last time she made me feel like I was a creepy stalker for bringing it up. It’s now been about a year and a half since then with zero contact. I can’t believe how infatuated I was at that time. But I remember it well. So I know what you are going through. Women are so weird. 

Best of luck!

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Ugh, women ARE so complex in situations like this! @crushing I'm sorry again that this experience has left you hurting and confused. I too have planned and planned to talk to my (former?) crush about our friendship and try to salvage whatever I can. But it just hasn't worked out. We are cordial to each other and can talk work stuff without issues, but there's definitely an undercurrent of hurt on both sides. What you said about maybe seeing your crush's true colors now really resonates. In my situation, I feel when we were in that adoring/flirting/learning about each other phase, we saw all positive in each other and boosted each other up. Now, the rose-colored glasses are off, so to speak. I think we are both seeing each other in a different light, and it's certainly not all good haha. Nobody's perfect, but our crushes can certainly seem that way when we're in the thick of it. I'm still working on how to salvage a friendship, but now with boundaries we can both handle. Not sure if we'll get there...?

As your friend has already declined many invites to talk/hang out, I guess I wouldn't put too much hope into being able to talk to her in a week or so. It sucks she's not being clear and open with you about what her problem is. Could be a myriad of things that's making her act angry and distant, but unfortunately she may not share this stuff with you. Are you still making progress talking about this in therapy? I think that, combined with any other support system you have (including here!) is probably where you should lean on the most, rather than a theoretical convo that may or may not ever happen with her.  

You sound like a kind, thoughful, and intelligent woman - don't let this experience and rejection define you, but rather learn what you can and you will be that much stronger/wiser for the next person who comes along and tickles your fancy! Best wishes to you.

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On 05/02/2018 at 5:38 PM, crushing said:

Maybe I didn't really know her as well as I thought and now I get to see her true colors. If this is who she truly is then I don't want to be with her anyway. She has turned into a real jerk lately.

Ah, I relate so much. Serious but unrequited crushes - all the rollercoaster of emotion of a proper relationship without the sex and social validation.

I find it's a common thing with intense crushes - after weeks or months or sometimes damnit years of mooning over how wonderful someone is, you reach some kind of climax (ahem) when your heart finally starts to 'get it' that this is not going to be a thing. And then all the new things you notice stop being like "what they're wearing would be awful on anyone else but is just dishy on them" and become more "they are such a grump, were they always such a grump, because I never noticed before"...  But for me, it's the stage you have to get through between one person being the focus of all those thoughts and moving on to the next person. Her being distant can be awful right now but I guess it might help with that as it gives your lingering attraction to her little to cling on to.

It strikes me it's like cutting out the relationship phase of crushes that do pan out, cos I think many of us have exes who during and for some time after the break up we can only see the bad sides of and wonder why we were ever so stupid, naiive or drunk as to want to date someone like that.

The truth is probably somewhere in between, they have the good bits and the bad bits and the emotional trip we go on focuses on this side and then that side rather than seeing the whole person all the time. Except with my exes, who are definitely just bad bits ;)

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