Ice

In a relationship but still have feelings for an old love but it's complicated

15 posts in this topic

Hi ladies,

First of all Happy New Year! 

Ok now on to the topic... I need some advice. I am kind of in a relationship... well we are on a 'break' now. We have been dating for almost 2 years. Recently someone I used to love (lets call her B) but never got to get together came back into my life and we got super close. She was married before and live super far away. Now she is single and suddenly said that she wants to come visit. I did not know that she still have feelings for me... She used to always say that we are just friends. But only now she admitted that she had to block all her feelings because she was married. I went to visit her 5 years ago but of course nothing happened. She was 7 months pregnant when i visited her. Anyways, I find that all these feelings started to come back again and we got close for 2 months.. now she went back to blocking her feelings because I have a gf. But eh.. she didn't think about that for 2 months before this. I love my gf but we are super different and she wanted to break up with me because of that. But then decided to just take a break until my old love come and go. Now me and B hardly chat because she became depressed for many reasons and also because well I have a gf and we can't be together... We went from talking everyday to now once in a couple of days.. my msges kept on not getting through to her phone, etc. What should I do? I find that my feelings are kinda fading away from B due to how she is treating me now. It's like back to how she treated me when she got married 5 years ago and it hurts... Why now? Why come back when I am not available to love her freely? Ladies... what should i do?

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Regardless of what happens between you and your gf, it sounds like B is not in a place right now to give you what you need. She is just coming off a divorce, not to mention the hormonal roller coaster of pregnancy. Even without those things she has been on again off again with you. I would say wait and see without trying to make advances on her.

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17 hours ago, ChemFem said:

Regardless of what happens between you and your gf, it sounds like B is not in a place right now to give you what you need. She is just coming off a divorce, not to mention the hormonal roller coaster of pregnancy. Even without those things she has been on again off again with you. I would say wait and see without trying to make advances on her.

Thanks ChemFem. Btw she is not preggers anymore.. that was 5 years back when i met her :) Really appreciate your advice. It was also where my head was heading.. 

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2 hours ago, Ice said:

Thanks ChemFem. Btw she is not preggers anymore.. that was 5 years back when i met her :) Really appreciate your advice. It was also where my head was heading.. 

Ah whoops, I didn't read that correctly. If she'd been pregnant for five years straight there would be other problems!

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9 hours ago, ChemFem said:

Ah whoops, I didn't read that correctly. If she'd been pregnant for five years straight there would be other problems!

Hahaha aw man. Noooo.. haha!

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I agree that it’s sounds like B isn’t in a good place right now.

If you could only have one, who would it be?  It might be good to think about it that way, and decide which way you want to go.  If B is who you want, just not now, then stay single and wait to see if she or someone better comes around.  If your GF is who you would choose, then tell her that.

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Sounds a bit complicated. One thing, your GF is only a GF not a wife so be honest with her but don't stress too much.  Being in a long full relationship or marriage takes a lot of commitment and hard work. Good communication is essential for any relationship to work. If there's differences it makes it extremely hard to work long term. And.. B... well, not knowing her, some people find it hard to open up especially if they have been hurt in their past.  Because you have a GF she might feel like the 3rd wheel so to speak. My advice would be stay on a break but be totally honest with both women and see how it pans out. These things usually will sort out in their own time. If you love B, tell her, if you love your GF then tell her. Maybe ask yourself,  Which woman is the woman you want to be with for the rest of your days? Which woman can you see yourself with when old? Which woman would be there when you have the arse out of your pants, no money etc. These are some questions you may ask yourself. Also you could ask yourself, what would you advise someone else to do in this same position? Sometimes putting yourself on the outside and look at it from the position of a third person can sometimes give you the answer. I hope I'm making sense. And best of luck. 

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9 hours ago, BiTriMama said:

I agree that it’s sounds like B isn’t in a good place right now.

If you could only have one, who would it be?  It might be good to think about it that way, and decide which way you want to go.  If B is who you want, just not now, then stay single and wait to see if she or someone better comes around.  If your GF is who you would choose, then tell her that.

It's really tough. Me and my GF are so very different and I think we both know we won't work out in the long run. If I had a choice I do want to be with B... we both have known each other for so long but the only thing that is standing our way is our family and also the fact that we live in two different countries. But yea.. we both know that it will be almost impossible. 

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7 hours ago, Vampire said:

Sounds a bit complicated. One thing, your GF is only a GF not a wife so be honest with her but don't stress too much.  Being in a long full relationship or marriage takes a lot of commitment and hard work. Good communication is essential for any relationship to work. If there's differences it makes it extremely hard to work long term. And.. B... well, not knowing her, some people find it hard to open up especially if they have been hurt in their past.  Because you have a GF she might feel like the 3rd wheel so to speak. My advice would be stay on a break but be totally honest with both women and see how it pans out. These things usually will sort out in their own time. If you love B, tell her, if you love your GF then tell her. Maybe ask yourself,  Which woman is the woman you want to be with for the rest of your days? Which woman can you see yourself with when old? Which woman would be there when you have the arse out of your pants, no money etc. These are some questions you may ask yourself. Also you could ask yourself, what would you advise someone else to do in this same position? Sometimes putting yourself on the outside and look at it from the position of a third person can sometimes give you the answer. I hope I'm making sense. And best of luck. 

Eh.. yea it is very complicated. But I am honest with both women. And they both know what is going on.. my GF knows about my feelings for B and that B still kinda has feelings for me too. I don't see me and my GF together in the long run because of our differences... just too much to take. Though we tried to make it work for almost 2 years now.. we are still on our 'break'. I would love to be with someone like B to grow old with, she gets me a bit more and we both speak kinda the same love language if you know what i mean.. we are both romantic, we understand each other's sarcasm and jokes, we both love almost the same kind of music, etc. It's nice.. Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it :)

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Well it seems you have the answer that you want B .. An LDR can workout even in different countries .. Seems you have a lot in common.. Technology is great these days to help the distance barrier .. Until you both can be together.. 

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10 hours ago, SimplyTrouble said:

Well it seems you have the answer that you want B .. An LDR can workout even in different countries .. Seems you have a lot in common.. Technology is great these days to help the distance barrier .. Until you both can be together.. 

I do want to see if we could be together someday.. But actually it's more complicated than just distance. B is struggling with some stuff right now and she's not really stable.. one month we could be taking everyday and then she disappears... :( it could be a day, 3 days, 1 week or few weeks before she suddenly writes again. My heart can't handle that.. I have PTSD.. :/ 

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10 hours ago, Ice said:

I do want to see if we could be together someday.. But actually it's more complicated than just distance. B is struggling with some stuff right now and she's not really stable.. one month we could be taking everyday and then she disappears... :( it could be a day, 3 days, 1 week or few weeks before she suddenly writes again. My heart can't handle that.. I have PTSD.. :/ 

Sorry to hear about the PTSD. Protect your heart and work from there

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10 hours ago, Ice said:

I do want to see if we could be together someday.. But actually it's more complicated than just distance. B is struggling with some stuff right now and she's not really stable.. one month we could be taking everyday and then she disappears... :( it could be a day, 3 days, 1 week or few weeks before she suddenly writes again. My heart can't handle that.. I have PTSD.. :/ 

Were you in the military? Sorry to hear you have PTSD .. I think it's best to give her the space she needs and if it's meant to be it will.. Good luck Hun 

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1 hour ago, ChemFem said:

Sorry to hear about the PTSD. Protect your heart and work from there

Thank you... my PTSD is getting better tho.. 

 

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59 minutes ago, SimplyTrouble said:

Were you in the military? Sorry to hear you have PTSD .. I think it's best to give her the space she needs and if it's meant to be it will.. Good luck Hun 

No i wasn't.. but i went through alot of traumatic events throughout my whole life, including Tsunami and also being attacked by my ex best friend's boyfriend with a hammer (i was in the car) n being chased in the car right after the attack. But that was a long time ago n my PTSD has improved alot n i am getting better.. just can't handle sudden disappearance tho.

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