Rani

Differences between sex with male vs female

87 posts in this topic

3 hours ago, Hungry said:

In terms of looking for a guy, a straight guy in an open relationship is plausible. A bi guy isn't necessarily going to be more understanding. I'm not sure why you're keeping either of the two UK guys around. Also while you could date online, wouldn't looking closer to home would be better? So you could have the real-world experience of dating/how you feel in their presence. The clear difference between your LD and that might help you ease into it or feel differently about it. Perhaps wait until after you've met your girlfriend, so you feel more certain/less torn.

You'll only slow down if you want to and same goes for marrying/dating a guy it's just a possibility. I imagine planning for that would only complicate your situation. It seems to me as though your father loves you very much and while he/others might not be quick to embrace your love, I think it's pointless pondering/worrying about who may or may not attend a hypothetical wedding, if it comes to that you only need to two people to witness. I know you think more seriously LD due to not having the personal interaction, but don't take the fun out of something great!

Nobody wants anything negative to come up, the fact that you are aware of it shows that you will cautious and sensored enough to get by. For instance your co-workers never have to meet your partner, neither do your patients and if you bumped into them in the street, what you choose to call your relationship with your current gf or any other same-sex partners in future is up to you, there are no rules in how you live your personal life - you'll find a balance that you're comfortable with and some of those things are only become to clear when/if they happen.

As someone who also thinks they can plan for almost every eventuality, while it has it's place it can't replace experience, sometimes your mind has to wait for life to catch up! :wink: 

Sorry Hungry my other reply was to your first post.

I agree i should probably start meeting people in real life. I just dont know i would bring up the topic to a gut who wasnt polyamorous

Maybe i could try dating sites closer to home.

One of the bi guys has disappeared and the other i am in contact with only if he initiates conversation. He feels comfortable talking to me abour his being transgender. So far he is the only one who has agreed to being a future sperm donor. The gay guy friend i asked is undecided but i think would be ok with time.

I guess no one needs to know my reality with my gf but they might be able to tell by our interactions together. Im just a really outspoken advocate for lgbt rights and people saw that during this marriage equality vote. But sadly my own personal life is in the closet.

I think i should go with the flow and see what happens. My dad and family voted yes to marriage equality because i told them it would affect friends. I didnt mention myself but im guessing he has some clue.

 

 

Thanks for the advice. Its much appreciated. I need to plan less and go with the flow ;)

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6 hours ago, Hungry said:

There are unmarried pregnant muslim women in the UK - I hear what you're saying it is frowned upon, but doesn't mean it doesn't happen and especially given that she is older it is less of an issue. She wouldn't become pregnant until after she moved anyway, surely? At which point family is less of an issue and what she chooses to do in a new country, full of new people is up to her. She can still marry you for a partner visa. Or there's the shorter travel visa to give her time with you/find work at which point she could then get a work visa. There's a lot of possibilities. 

I meant that the guys online were met in a similar way to how you met your gf so if you were to look to date men online it doesn't give you a lot of separation between how you two meT and thus they're not going to have much of a chance because they won't compare to her and will probably seem like work, where as an in-person is a different dynamic, but put it this way - if you're happy as you are for now, why change it?!

Yes we were thinking it would be after we moved. When she is in Australia she will be far from her family in the UK and she doesnt have any family here.

We were thinking work or partner visa next yr when she comes again. This yr she is coming on visit visa and hoping to find volunteer work in her field then next yr she will find work.

 

Youre right i should try to find experience dating men. Im just scared no one will match up to her and i will have to be out. Even if im in the closet im sure people will be tell when we live together or have children. I have religious christian friends and neighbours. Not to mention people of my background and my gfs are not that accepting. This amount of homophobia scares me. My gf is braver than me.

 

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Take your time and experience it all.   There’s no real way to know unless you’re open to it.  

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45 minutes ago, Mztx said:

Take your time and experience it all.   There’s no real way to know unless you’re open to it.  

Youre right. I just need to take time and experience  it all slowly.

Thanks for ur post.

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8 hours ago, zzz_girl said:

I have a preference for men over women. Right now, I'm just looking for men and if I find the right guy, I'm certain I would be OK just being with him. I don't need a woman on the side like a lot of ladies on here would like. I say I'm bi because I did have a brief sexual relationship with a woman and I was definitely falling for her. It didn't work out though. I know I can be into certain women, it's just rare for me to come across a woman I like in that way who is also gay or bi. I generally get along better with men and I am also very satisfied having sex with men. I guess now that I had that one experience with a woman, I no longer feel I'm missing out on anything. I know I can like it with a woman, but I'm OK without it.

Out of curiosity in what ways is falling for a woman, being in a relationship  and having sexual relations different from that of a male. 

I guess it depends on the individual person but in what ways were the relationships different. I havent had physical relations with a female or male and maybe after trying it out i can make a better decision.

Edited by Rani
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8 hours ago, Rani said:

Youre right i should try to find experience dating men. Im just scared no one will match up to her and i will have to be out. Even if im in the closet im sure people will be tell when we live together or have children. I have religious christian friends and neighbours. Not to mention people of my background and my gfs are not that accepting. This amount of homophobia scares me. My gf is braver than me.

 

Technically you never have to be out. Some people won't agree with me on this but it really is up to you how much you share and what you do publicly. It obviously depends on your gf too. I've had relationships where things have been very low level, with only a few people really being aware to everyone knowing. There's nothing that says in order to be together you must proudly display it to the world at all times. I wouldn't expect anyone who wasn't comfortable being out to change over night nor would I think any less of them for wanting privacy, but it really depends on how much of that is internalized vs real opposition/reasons.

You can't truly advocate for LGBTQ rights and not allow yourself the same quality of life, there are no rules and dating men is not about replacing/matching your gf it's just experience and if you chose to pursue a relationship based out of love that's something for a later time, but for now you care for a woman and if you ask me love is a rare thing, so hold on to that and give it and yourself the respect it deserves.

Edited by Hungry
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1 hour ago, Hungry said:

Technically you never have to be out. Some people won't agree with me on this but it really is up to you how much you share and what you do publicly. It obviously depends on your gf too. I've had relationships where things have been very low level, with only a few people really being aware to everyone knowing. There's nothing that says in order to be together you must proudly display it to the world at all times. I wouldn't expect anyone who wasn't comfortable being out to change over night nor would I think any less of them for wanting privacy, but it really depends on how much of that is internalized vs real opposition/reasons.

You can't truly advocate for LGBTQ rights and not allow yourself the same quality of life, there are no rules and dating men is not about replacing/matching your gf it's just experience and if you chose to pursue a relationship based out of love that's something for a later time, but for now you care for a woman and if you ask me love is a rare thing, so hold on to that and give it and yourself the respect it deserves.

You are right. I dont need to be out. My gf is fine if i am not out and everyone thinks of her as my close friend. I think eventually people will figure it out especially if we have children. Friends and family keep asking me if i like any guys, or dating anyone. Whether they should set me up on blind dates to get me married.

My gf has said if we meet and i dont feel chemistry she will understand. She wants me to be happy even if not with me but she will always love me. She said she wants to remember every moment with me. She says i need to be confident in my abilities and never doubt myself. She said her body reacts to my voice, my kisses and touch (on the phone). That she often dreams of me and cooking for me. She said i need a bigger ego. She says the perfect things to me and i feel i cant leave her just to explore even if thats what i wanted initially. When i cant sleep due to the past she tells me bedtime stories.  So like u said i should just be happy with love and see how it goes. 

I think i kind of outed myself during the marriage equality campaign even if npt directly. But it does feel like double standards not wanting those rights for myself like i want for others. 

Sometimes i think i just want social cover like a gay guy  so people dont ask me if im dating a guy.  Like a trophy husband for occasions. Then i think it would be a farce not a real marriage and children wouldnt be an outcome.

Youre right.  For now I  just need to respect the love and the one who loves me. 

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13 minutes ago, Rani said:

You are right. I dont need to be out. My gf is fine if i am not out and everyone thinks of her as my close friend. I think eventually people will figure it out especially if we have children. Friends and family keep asking me if i like any guys, or dating anyone. Whether they should set me up on blind dates to get me married.

My gf has said if we meet and i dont feel chemistry she will understand. She wants me to be happy even if not with me but she will always love me. She said she wants to remember every moment with me. She says i need to be confident in my abilities and never doubt myself. She said her body reacts to my voice, my kisses and touch (on the phone). That she often dreams of me and cooking for me. She said i need a bigger ego. She says the perfect things to me and i feel i cant leave her just to explore even if thats what i wanted initially. When i cant sleep due to the past she tells me bedtime stories.  So like u said i should just be happy with love and see how it goes. 

I think i kind of outed myself during the marriage equality campaign even if npt directly. But it does feel like double standards not wanting those rights for myself like i want for others. 

Sometimes i think i just want social cover like a gay guy  so people dont ask me if im dating a guy.  Like a trophy husband for occasions. Then i think it would be a farce not a real marriage and children wouldnt be an outcome.

Youre right.  For now I  just need to respect the love and the one who loves me. 

You certainly have no obligation to be out, though as you said it can sometimes happen unintentionally anyways. Remaining closeted would put a strain on your relationship logistically since you can't acknowledge it publicly. It sounds like both you and your gf know that and have thought about ways to work around it.

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2 hours ago, zzz_girl said:

Well, sex with a woman is more touching, fingering, and oral. No penetration unless you've got sex toys. With a guy, obviously you can do all of the above without sex toys. It's different with a woman because you take turns, reciprocate. Less turn taking with a man, well you can reciprocate, but not it the same exact ways. Like doing oral on a woman is different than on a man, for example. If you are with a man, he'll put his arms around you. With a woman, maybe you'll do that to her or she'll do that to you, or you take turns. Basically, when you are with a guy, you let the guy do the things men do. With a women, it could be you or her or you take turns. The arms around you thing was best example I could think of. There's probably some other things like that, but I can't think of any right now. 

Thanks for the reply. Its given me good food for thought. I guess id only know which one id really prefer after trying both. For me having an emotional and romantic connection is just as important. Have found that with only a few guys but they werent that sexual and didnt feel that attracted to them. I think i like being reciprocal more than

For me personally penetration isnt that big a thing for me as i think oral and fingers would be adequate. Im happy if there is more but ok if there is not. It depends on the individual for me  some males/females make effort others dont. I had plenty of disappointing experiences beforr my gf. Had it not been for her i would have ended up trying to pursue a relationship with a guy.

  Like with your sexual experience with a woman i just want to try it once and possibly have children but not sure about that. 

Arms around you with oral or hugs? Is it like how woman can move your head in deeper.

Edited by Rani
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3 hours ago, ChemFem said:

You certainly have no obligation to be out, though as you said it can sometimes happen unintentionally anyways. Remaining closeted would put a strain on your relationship logistically since you can't acknowledge it publicly. It sounds like both you and your gf know that and have thought about ways to work around it.

I may end up being out to friends who are accepting and gay friendly. Maybe not to some family members, to religious homophobes and those who know them in my family social network. Maybe not out professionally. If i pretend to be single for a long time people will figure it out. So i might need  a gay male friend for social cover yet will live with my gf. 

I agree it will put a strain on my relationship so just going slowly at moment.

Counting down 85 days till she arrives 

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On 1/18/2018 at 2:45 AM, Rani said:

I may end up being out to friends who are accepting and gay friendly. Maybe not to some family members, to religious homophobes and those who know them in my family social network. Maybe not out professionally. If i pretend to be single for a long time people will figure it out. So i might need  a gay male friend for social cover yet will live with my gf. 

I agree it will put a strain on my relationship so just going slowly at moment.

Counting down 85 days till she arrives 

Long term people will figure out it you're right, but if you say very little what can they do/say? I'm not one for telling people who will make things difficult. However, it is possible to never take a girlfriend around your family or your work etc, so I don't think it is that much of a strain if close friends know, it's not for everyone or necessarily forever but it's surely better than a cover?

I'm curious in your mind, why would the cover have to be gay? At least a straight guy is more realistic and they'll probably be more interest on their part if there's some attraction! I can't imagine any gay men I know feeling anything other than sorry for me if I suggested such an arrangement. Worry less, you don't need a if your community is really that backward and twisted, moving eventually could be an option. You've got the rest of your life.. :)

Edited by Hungry
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49 minutes ago, Hungry said:

Long term people will figure out you're right, but if you say very little what can they do/say? I'm not one for telling people who will make things difficult. However, it is possible to never take a girlfriend around your family or your work etc, so I don't think it is that much of a strain if close friends know, it's not for everyone or necessarily forever but it's surely better than a cover?

I'm curious in your mind, why would the cover have to be gay? At least a straight guy is more realistic and they'll probably be more interest on their part if there's some attraction! I can't imagine any gay men I know feeling anything other than sorry for me if I suggested such an arrangement. Worry less, you don't need a if your community is really that backward and twisted, moving eventually could be an option. You've got the rest of your life.. :)

True they cant do much.i just wouldnt want my family to face stigma and be affected by others. My dad, brother, my aunt and grandma all voted yes for marriage equality. They couldnt tell others in their neighbourhood to vote yes because of the backwardness of the mentality. When she comes over my family might be ok with it but not accept marriage to her as its not something they are used to.

My brothers ex gf is a christian homophobe who dumped him because he wasnt christian. He still likes her and they talk frequently. She was trying to convince him to vote no to ssm but in the end he listened to my arguments and voted yes. One of his best friends is an evangelical Christian.

My dad tried to convince his work colleagues to vote yes. Some east asian and some east europeans but they voted no. Not to generalise for all. 

My family voted yes because i was convincing but they dont know about me. I dont think they will disown or ostracise me but might tolerate but not accept my gf. 

In australia only 12 out of 150 places voted no to ssm. I live in one place and work in another. 

It might not be that much of a strain but people around me especially my friends will keep talking of boys and marriage. Even if i tell close friends what if it slips out from.them.

A cover, according to me, and maybe im wrong would end all this speculation amongst people. A gay cover would be in the same situation and would understand. He would not interfere in time i could spend with my gf. I couls cuddle with her at night, hold her when she has nightmares from.the past. We could cook for each other. She could pack my lunch for busy days like she wants to.

For a brief time last yr i had found a bi guy who was divorced with 2 kids. He accepted my relationship and had number of good qualities. Except he kept conparing himself to my gf and seeing himself as less. My gf would reply to me everyday and he would once every few days because he needed space. Another thing was he was bitter against women and feminism.due to hia custody battle. Initially i was supportive then i found out he had been emotionally abusive towards his ex wife and had slapped  her.That was unacceptable regardless of reason.

I just didnt want to be emotionally involved with a guy or deal with ego issues or insecurity issues.  With a straight guy even in an open relationship i might face this issue.  He may not be comfortable with me spending nights with my gf. My gf supports my career success, she doesnt have ego and understands i may need to marry for societal reasons. She was part of a british queer muslim group where some of the girls had married gay guys for convenience and met up with their gfs regularly and in holidays. Its kind of sad but that had  become their world. 

 

A bi guy in a relationship would be good. But its really hard to find someome understanding, without ego issues and for someone who understands your point of view.

I think the gay guys i know here would react same as your friends. There are a few with parents overseas who may be ok with it. 

Basically the guy is to come to social occasions or at events involving family friends and any homophobes i know. We can live close together or even in the same house but i would live with my gf and be there for her. 

 If he was straight or bi it would be on a rotational basis 4 days with her/3 days with him. Then the next week would be 4 days with her/3 days with him. They are free to have their own other one relationship (with safe sex) or pursue leisure activities. If he was gay he would provide sperm for children and if he was straight/bi he could help with procreation. My gf wants to carry my child so he would have to be ok with that. He can contribute sperm.

Haha i know this sounds complicated and amusing. I dont really think im going to find such a person. I really love my gf from what ive known so far so if i did marry a guy he would have to know about her. 

 

Maybe i could just move because the backwardness of my community wont change. 

Its just my dad is a widower and my aunt and grandma have various health issues. I want to be there for them as i was away for medical school.

My gf wants to help out with my family and she is a great cook. We plan to jointly make some healthy meals for my dad when we visit. She has offered to buy him a shoulder brace /pack thing for his back pain

 

I hope they wholeheartedly accept her. I will find out when she visits. My brother suspects me and my dad has some suspicion. Theyve told me not to marry just for them at the same time when my dad talks of marriage he only mentions marriage to a male.

 

 

 

 

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On 18/01/2018 at 3:00 PM, Hungry said:

Long term people will figure out you're right, but if you say very little what can they do/say? I'm not one for telling people who will make things difficult. However, it is possible to never take a girlfriend around your family or your work etc, so I don't think it is that much of a strain if close friends know, it's not for everyone or necessarily forever but it's surely better than a cover?

I'm curious in your mind, why would the cover have to be gay? At least a straight guy is more realistic and they'll probably be more interest on their part if there's some attraction! I can't imagine any gay men I know feeling anything other than sorry for me if I suggested such an arrangement. Worry less, you don't need a if your community is really that backward and twisted, moving eventually could be an option. You've got the rest of your life.. :)

Basically hungry i blame my gf :) for her love, loyalty and commitment to me. She is taking 14 weeks to stay with me in the middle of nowhere and planning to move to australia. No other girl or guy i have talled to online have offered that. She says i am her first priority but i am not the first priority of the many others. It males me value her love higher. And makes me want to climb up mountains to be with her, to want to spend my life and my final moments with her.

Im.also marching openly in our gay prode parade as part an australian south asia  queer group. Not sure i will remain in the closet as politically ive beem very active last 5 months. Now that ive started coming out hard to go back

Edited by Rani
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2 hours ago, zzz_girl said:

Was talking more like when you are sitting side by side, maybe watching TV or something. The guy will put his arm or arms around the girl 

Ah, that's easy to replicate. I generally initiate "the reach" regardless of my partner's gender.

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@Rani When you have sex with her again and again then maybe who knows this pondering (of finding a bi guy who you have emotional connection with) will cease and you take in what you already have. Let's see how you two work out. The more you spend time with her in real life, the more you'll know her and gauge your sexual preference as being bi. Then, perhaps your way of seeing around you and even to yourself...what you can do, sacrifice or even take as a challenge will turn 180 degrees. If I were you, I wouldn't bother to think at the moment about men, cover up, IVF, etc. Enjoy the moment being with her. If you do continue to keep wondering, remember that an emotional connection with men is different from the one with women. Do not expect nor compare. You'll lose. The only way to win this is to accept their differences. Same with sex. It varies how emotionally both of you are connected with and sexually compatible with. @BenedettaC said in other forum, "lesbian sex has its own merits." Interestingly, I had my first exciting and gratifying oral sex with a man (former bf going down on me) but I had my first orgasm with a woman. *makes me smile always*

Keep us updated when you two get together. Goodluck 

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I think you’re WAAAAAYYY overthinking this, and looking for broad generalizations that can’t be made.  I’ve been with men who are big on the foreplay and women who just want to get down to business.  My girlfriend is more chivalrous than most of the men I dated.  Sex and everything else, really, are so individual.  One thing that I will say that’s generally different about sex with men versus women is that sex with a man generally revolves around making a penis ejaculate.  No such focus with two women.  Strap-on sex, for example, is more about the woman receiving and about the connection and mental turn on of it all, versus making a guy cum.  Though I have gotten a woman off while she was topping me, but that’s a another story. :) 

Preferences are also individual.  I prefer women, but I’ve been with more men because men were easier for me for a long time.  When I was with men, I always felt like something was missing, and I fantasized about women.  I feel totally fulfilled dating women, and don’t fantasize about men.  So I only date women at this point.

I think you are also expecting a lot to a point that no one will ever be able to meet your standards, and you’re setting everyone up for disappointment.  As @Hungry said, your standards for a guy are all about you.  What about his needs and wants?  Why would you expect to be his first priority if he’s not yours?

Ultimately, what it sounds like you really want from a guy is the appearance of a husband (AKA “beard”), and sperm.  All the other stuff just complicates the whole thing.

Wait to see how things go with your girlfriend when you two meet in person.  Chemistry may or may not be there, but I would REALLY encourage you not to put so much expectation on your visit with each other.

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On 1/18/2018 at 1:33 PM, zzz_girl said:

Yeah, but typically the guy likes to do that. 

 This seems like a blanket statement, like you are trying to put all guys under on umbrella.  It's never been that black and white with any of the relationships that I've been in,  men or women.  Once you've met one man... well,  you've met one man.  Same goes for women. I love getting you know people,  and what makes them,  them.  I don't ever like to go in with preconceived ideas,  especially just based on their  gender.  

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I'd like to make a request for this thread, if possible a person who understands polyamory could explain it please and also someone who is experienced in lifestyles described in The Ethical Slut, or someone who can speak in terms of things like open relationships etc. If you've read this thread and feel you have something to impart, it would be a good perspective.

I've read this and feel it could benefit from such perspectives, however, since I have no valid experiences with such perspectives, personally, I can't give them!

Cheers.....

PS. One does not need sexual experience with a man or a woman to know you are bi! No label is even needed.

Someone who is straight isn't required to prove their sexuality beforehand.

So, for me, even if I never have experience with a woman, if I am attracted to them, chances are very high, I am a woman who is attracted to women, even if I never put any label on myself.

Edited by bikiwi
one more thing to add
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One more thing, it's personal choice also, but it is not necessary to lose your virginity to any escort! That means the sex will be transactional in nature, so the person will be focused on that.

I lost my virginity to a man in some house, in some bed, a long time ago and while I'd like to change that, it happened 18 years ago and there's no point dwelling on the circumstances of it not being too romantic, haha. (He wasn't not an escort, just some boring Kiwi guy, lol!)

A caring partner, hopefully with a bit of romance may have been better for me, but I am sure many women say that in hindsight, Also within a love relationship, if at all possible!

All respect to sex workers, but they're certainly mostly not in a such a job for love or romance!

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2 hours ago, bikiwi said:

I'd like to make a request for this thread, if possible a person who understands polyamory could explain it please and also someone who is experienced in lifestyles described in The Ethical Slut, or someone who can speak in terms of things like open relationships etc. If you've read this thread and feel you have something to impart, it would be a good perspective.

I've read this and feel it could benefit from such perspectives, however, since I have no valid experiences with such perspectives, personally, I can't give them!

Cheers.....

PS. One does not need sexual experience with a man or a woman to know you are bi! No label is even needed.

Someone who is straight isn't required to prove their sexuality beforehand.

So, for me, even if I never have experience with a woman, if I am attracted to them, chances are very high, I am a woman who is attracted to women, even if I never put any label on myself.

Make a different thread or comment on a similar thread and as it's brought up I'm sure more people will respond. I have some experience if we're talking past rather than current!  It's totally understandable you're curious. 

The original post and OP responses are about MANY things, that could be split two categories -  everything the OP wants with her potential gf and everything she could have with or without her in future. I don't think comments on open relationships are gonna do anything but fuel a fire and offer more potential questions, to someone who clearly has plenty to think about already. I sense she's looking to that to pacify some of her anxieties and confrom rather than genuine interest for the relationship structure, in-person chemistry etc. I might be wrong. :wink:

PS. Sex isn't just love and romantic or nothing is it? Maybe it is for some people but there's a lot of grey in the world so people opt for black and white to make things easier on themselves. Having known people who worked in the sex industry, while most of them didn;t get attached there's still the possibility for favorites, affection, good qualities, assholes, idiots, the kinda person you'd date if they were actually on the scene and not seeing sex workers.. :P You get my point. 

Open relationships are a bit like that, lots of choices and there is no right or set way to do it!

Edited by Hungry
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2 hours ago, Hungry said:

Make a different thread or comment on a similar thread and as it's brought up I'm sure more people will respond. I have some experience if we're talking past rather than current!  It's totally understandable you're curious. 

The original post and OP responses are about MANY things, that could be split two categories -  everything the OP wants with her potential gf and everything she could have with or without her in future. I don't think comments on open relationships are gonna do anything but fuel a fire and offer more potential questions, to someone who clearly has plenty to think about already. I sense she's looking to that to pacify some of her anxieties and confrom rather than genuine interest for the relationship structure, in-person chemistry etc. I might be wrong. :wink:

PS. Sex isn't just love and romantic or nothing is it? Maybe it is for some people but there's a lot of grey in the world so people opt for black and white to make things easier on themselves. Having known people who worked in the sex industry, while most of them didn;t get attached there's still the possibility for favorites, affection, good qualities, assholes, idiots, the kinda person you'd date if they were actually on the scene and not seeing sex workers.. :P You get my point. 

Open relationships are a bit like that, lots of choices and there is no right or set way to do it!

Haha, that was a request for her benefit not mine - but maybe she doesn't need to know! (And I can't speak for her at all - lol.). Suffice to say, I can get that book, or research polyamory myself if I need to! (I've already read a bit in the past, but going off topic.)

I just thought it could be outlined as a lot of the thread was about open relationships with bi men included, etc. But, yes you're right, it could open up a few too many questions!

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1 minute ago, bikiwi said:

Haha, that was a request for her benefit not mine - but maybe she doesn't need to know! (And I can't speak for her at all - lol.). Suffice to say, I can get that book, or research polyamory myself if I need to! (I've already read a bit in the past, but going off topic.)

I just thought it could be outlined as a lot of the thread was about open relationships with bi men included, etc. But, yes you're right, it could open up a few too many questions!

Oh that's fine then. As long as you're cool let's leave it unless OP asks. It's probably best to experience one relationship before trying or even truly considering open dynamics. Everyone has already echoed overthinking so I personally won't bother, but who knows someone else might agree and chime in :P

 I've only seen bi men that are married to women in open relationships and it's still pretty rare and I've never seen a bi guy in a same sex relationship be involved with women,  just poly with other men, so I don't think that's somehing OP even needs to consider. She's a woman so the points of reference would just be off from the start with no other dating experience, the equivalent of throwing yourself in the deep end, before you've learnt to swim!

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On 19/01/2018 at 2:15 AM, zzz_girl said:

Was talking more like when you are sitting side by side, maybe watching TV or something. The guy will put his arm or arms around the girl 

Oh ok. Side by side. I can see it that way but then i can also see me putting my arms around a guy. Or maybe even a straight girl if its a cold day and she wants a arm heater. 

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On 19/01/2018 at 1:09 PM, blueberry said:

@Rani When you have sex with her again and again then maybe who knows this pondering (of finding a bi guy who you have emotional connection with) will cease and you take in what you already have. Let's see how you two work out. The more you spend time with her in real life, the more you'll know her and gauge your sexual preference as being bi. Then, perhaps your way of seeing around you and even to yourself...what you can do, sacrifice or even take as a challenge will turn 180 degrees. If I were you, I wouldn't bother to think at the moment about men, cover up, IVF, etc. Enjoy the moment being with her. If you do continue to keep wondering, remember that an emotional connection with men is different from the one with women. Do not expect nor compare. You'll lose. The only way to win this is to accept their differences. Same with sex. It varies how emotionally both of you are connected with and sexually compatible with. @BenedettaC said in other forum, "lesbian sex has its own merits." Interestingly, I had my first exciting and gratifying oral sex with a man (former bf going down on me) but I had my first orgasm with a woman. *makes me smile always*

Keep us updated when you two get together. Goodluck 

@blueberry thanks for the reply. I think im maybe getting carried away in all the spare time i have waiting for her. 81 days to go and after 6 months time is going slowly. She seems so perfect online and her love so unconditional. So far ive not found a guy like her. Youre right i should explore my relationship with her in 81 days.

I will keep all of you updated when i meet her and if i end up with my first satisfying oral sex and orgasm. We have both never had sex but ive been counting down days to give my first oral to someone. I looked around but i couldnt find anyone i connect with. Now ive found her. Even though we havent met we talk for hours and i want to be exclusively with her but not sure im ready for what that will involve

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On 20/01/2018 at 11:40 AM, BiTriMama said:

I think you’re WAAAAAYYY overthinking this, and looking for broad generalizations that can’t be made.  I’ve been with men who are big on the foreplay and women who just want to get down to business.  My girlfriend is more chivalrous than most of the men I dated.  Sex and everything else, really, are so individual.  One thing that I will say that’s generally different about sex with men versus women is that sex with a man generally revolves around making a penis ejaculate.  No such focus with two women.  Strap-on sex, for example, is more about the woman receiving and about the connection and mental turn on of it all, versus making a guy cum.  Though I have gotten a woman off while she was topping me, but that’s a another story. :) 

Preferences are also individual.  I prefer women, but I’ve been with more men because men were easier for me for a long time.  When I was with men, I always felt like something was missing, and I fantasized about women.  I feel totally fulfilled dating women, and don’t fantasize about men.  So I only date women at this point.

I think you are also expecting a lot to a point that no one will ever be able to meet your standards, and you’re setting everyone up for disappointment.  As @Hungry said, your standards for a guy are all about you.  What about his needs and wants?  Why would you expect to be his first priority if he’s not yours?

Ultimately, what it sounds like you really want from a guy is the appearance of a husband (AKA “beard”), and sperm.  All the other stuff just complicates the whole thing.

Wait to see how things go with your girlfriend when you two meet in person.  Chemistry may or may not be there, but I would REALLY encourage you not to put so much expectation on your visit with each other.

I think i am overthinking it because this is the first time someone in a long distance relationship is making the effort to visit me or wait for me.

 

Im not sure what i will be missing if i never date men and im with her all my life. People will find out eventually and maybe i will have to deal with homophobia especially around the people in my neighbourhood and community. She makes me feel like its worth it.

Maybe i have too many expectations. I hope both my gf and the guy will be my first priority but most likely it will just be my gf. I dont mind if i am not his first priority as long as we meet each others requirements. If he needs to have a marriage for various reasons i can fulfil that and he can help fulfil my reasons.

Maybe beard and the sperm aspect is all im really after at this point. Maybe i will just go with the flow and see what happens. We have 14 weeks together . It should help me figure out if we have chemistry.

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