UnicornKween

How do find a girlfriend in the closet?

6 posts in this topic

Hey everyone

Sooo...I'm in a band and have a crush on my bandmate. Not sure if maybe my hormones are just raging and I'm reading into stuff, but I'm totally in the closet and live at home with my religious mom. I'm also a Christian but also bisexual. Anyways, how do I date while being in the closet?

I'm just ready to have a girlfriend like mentally, emotionally. I'm in a good place and just want a good thing with someone. Even if my bandmate was bi or gay, I know it wouldn't be smart to get into. It's just hard out here. I don't really go out to clubs or anything. Just work, and music stuff. It's funny because the more I repress my feelings the more intense they get and the more I want to be with someone. Not just to be intimate but to have a friend that I can love on, talk with, hang out with, laugh, argue, tease, all that. Plus I've never been in a relationship. 

I guess I have 3 questions. How do you know someone is gay/bi without asking (is there a way to really know?) 

How do you know if someone is interested? 

How do I find a girlfriend when in the closet? 

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Kind of a dispiriting response but I think it would be very difficult. Most of the posts on here about "gaydar", plus my own experience, indicate that it's really difficult for women to find each other unless at least one of them is out. Same with being interested - you can get all the body language you want but at a certain point you have to ask

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I agree with @ChemFem, finding a girlfriend while you’re in the closet could be difficult. Meeting someone worthwhile organically is hard in itself. A lot of the time it’s hard to know if someone is bi/gay, especially if they’re closeted...the same goes for you, if you’re not putting yourself out there, then how is anyone supposed to know you’re interested...

No, there is no secret way of knowing if someone is bi/gay. I mean you can make assumptions (which aren’t always correct), but the only way you can be sure is if they tell you, whether you ask, or they offer up the information.

Same goes for knowing whether or not someone is interested...especially when it comes to women. Women tend to be more subtle when flirting with other women, unless it’s totally out in the open that both are into women. The more unsure someone is about your orientation, the least obvious their flirting with you is likely to be. Of course this is just my own (completely inexperienced) perception. Also, women tend to be naturally flirty, so just because they appear to be flirting with you, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re interested, or even bi/gay for that matter.

So basically, you’re gonna have to go out on a limb once in a while.

Jeez that was a long winded response...sorry about that...

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I agree that there's no surefire way to know any of it without asking.

You may need to consider starting to come out.  I have dated someone who wasn't out (I imagine she was more out than you are), and it really wore on our relationship.  I hated that she hid us from certain people.  I felt like she was embarrassed to be seen with me, or like she was ashamed of her desire for women.  It was a factor in the ending of our relationship.

You may not have to bluntly ask women if they're into women, but you can start conversations about LGBT issues and see how they respond.  You never know.  But the more forward you are with your questions, the better, IMO.

My last two girlfriends have been pretty forward about their interest in me.  I wasn't picking up the more subtle stuff (too easy to misread it, in my experience), and both of them had to say in no uncertain terms what their intentions were with me.  I'm glad they did!

Have you looked for any support groups for LGBT people in your area?  That might be a good place to start for coming out (in addition to here).

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Come out. Its way easier. Slowly of you must..but I wasted a lot of energy concealing things that never needed to be. And felt way more free after. A lot of my fear was invalid. Just sharing. 

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I was in the closet and in a similar situation. I had a HUGE crush on my best friend. This is how I went about finding out if she was bi. I would look for opportunities in casual conversation to ask questions about how she felt about gays and so forth. Not those words. It’s been awhile but I got creative. Over time I learned more and knew she went to and all girls college. Started asking a few questions here and there. Over time I felt comfontable making a move. So I kissed her one night. Nothing huge just to see if I got a reaction. Never said anything about it til the next day. She was fine with it. It progressed from there. At some point if you want it bad enough, you will slowly pull yourself out of the closet. For me it was so worth it. I’m married, so I cannot scream it from the roof tops or anything. But my close friends know and I’ve reached a point where, if someone finds out, they find out. I’m not stressing it. My parents have passed and so have my husbands, so I don’t have anyone to disappoint.  

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