FlaGrl08

Bisexual for sex only?

93 posts in this topic

I'm just curious how many of you enjoy sex with women, but you've never had romantic feelings for a woman and don't think you ever could?  

I've seen several people say on these message boards that they like to have sex with women, whether in a threesome or alone, but they don't have feelings for their female partners.

In order to enjoy sex, I need to have an emotional attachment to them.  I'm married to a man, but even if I wasn't, I don't see myself ever in a primary relationship with another woman.  

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I've had both.  The sex for me with the women that I've had emotional/romantic feelings for has been a better feeling for me.  I've only had sex with one woman where it was basically just for fun with no strings.  The sex was just that,  fun.... but it left me feeling not as fulfilled if that makes sense. 

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I haven't had sex with a woman, but if I ever do, I will be very clear it's only casual.

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For me sex is always better if there is an emotional connection. I am married to man, but if I wasn’t I could see me just as easily in a serious relationship with a woman as a man. 

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It's the real deal for me. I've only been with 1 woman and it was Love, love love. I can't have sex with someone I don't love or am strongly connected to emotionally. No casual stuff for me. It's all or nothing. That's just me tho, maybe why I'm still single lol. 

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@FlaGrl08 you said they don't have feelings, they must have some - lust and attraction are feelings, they just don't stem from an emotional place. I've had it both ways on my end and from other women. It's nice when it's both, but I only need respect.  Not being in love, or disinterest in a relationship with a female doesn't necessarily mean they don't care. It's just how they go about fulfilling all their desires.

I had serious relationships with women in the the beginning, but honestly sex plays a bit part in whether that'll be possible in future. I'll give it a shot but if it doesn't happen then being casual would be the only way for me to enjoy both a relationship and all sides of my sexuality. The majority of women I've been interested in have been in open relationships with men/not interested in committed same-sex relations if that's anything to go by!

Edited by Hungry
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I don't think I could have romantic feelings for  a woman. I fall in love with men. 

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I guess I would have to answer yes that I primarily enjoy being with a woman for the intimacy that two women can share.  I'm married and have a wonderfully sexual relationship with him but there's something about sharing sex with another female that he can't provide.  I love kissing another woman's breast, nipples and when I go down on her I love how she reacts when I place my tongue on and between her pussy lips.  I've found that each woman has her own smell and taste when it comes to oral sex.  So yes I guess if it weren't for the sex I probably wouldn't be as bisexually active.

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I agree with @Hungry, not being in love doesn’t mean that someone doesn’t care. But I do understand what you’re saying, and I think there are definitely women here and elsewhere who’s primary interest in women is more sexual in nature. I don’t see anything wrong with that, as long as everyone is upfront and has a mutual respect. 

I don’t see myself as ‘bisexual only for sex’, I believe I am more than capable of having a romantic relationship with a woman, and if I wasn’t married to a man, I could see myself having a primary female partner. But that doesn’t mean I’m not also capable of casual sex. For me personally (and probably most women), there would be a certain amount of caring and emotion involved in sex, even casual sex...but that doesn’t have to be love.

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I struggle to get my head around this ‘in love’ thing. In fact I tend to think of it as sexual chemistry these days ‘in love’ sounds like something teenagers do? Having said that my gf reckoned that during our affair she had ‘fallen in love’ with me  and we were in our thirties and far from it being the wonderful romantic thing it is supposed to be, this revelation was actually the beginning of the end for us. (Long story)...So for me yes when I was a teenager I ‘fell in love’ (crazy feeling compared to insanity) with boys, now as an older woman I have the potential to have sexual chemistry with men and women and depending on reciprocation and circumstance I either accept that and move on or embark on affair or relationship. I think the issue is whether you have affair (meet up for sex) or relationship (commit to each other monogamously).

Think I have grown out of falling in love.

 

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I had a hard time falling for guys, I had an emotional connection with one when I was 18 but didn't get it again until dating my first woman at 25. All the other guys I was with in that time I basically settled for relationships where I didn't think love was important. 

The thing I've learned now is that it's a great feeling to have and if it doesn't happen in the first couple of months for me it doesn't happen at all. Sex can be good without it, but it's so much better with it ^_^

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Casual sex with likeminded women can be fun and even fulfilling to a certain extent...BUT in my experience, intense sexual chemistry with a woman, which leads to a copious amount of wild, mind-blowing sex - the kind of sex that I would describe as 'spiritual' in nature - tends to lead to falling in love...

If the chemistry is there, things don't stay casual for long...and that escalation into the great beyond is one of the glorious things that makes my life worth living...

 

Edited by BenedettaC
Being the Virgo that I am, I just had to change 'mind-bending' to 'mind-blowing', which is a more accurate description.
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I have only been with men,  so I can't speak from experience.  I do know that at first I only saw myself having a FWB situation outside of my open marriage.  I guess that indicated a relationship beyond sex, but not quite romantic. Recently I have been playing with the word "girlfriend" in my mind.  I think I am open to having a girlfriend if the situation is right.  So, theoretically not bisexual for sex.

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Well, I've just experienced sex with men, for now, and even though I'm likely to try it with a woman as soon as I find the right one, I'm not sure I could have a romantic relationship with a woman. But hey, I'm just saying that 'cause I've never felt emotionally and physically connected to one (of course I'm quite connected emotionally to my friends, but there's absolutely not physical attraction), so who knows...

I also find it hard to have occasional sex. I've had a friend with benefits, with whom I didn't have any romantic relationship, we simply felt good when being together without feeling any need to take the relationship a step forward. I guess it could be the same with a woman, to me. 

 

Edited by Yare
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For me it is opposite. I can see myself emotionally and physically attracted to females. With males its mostly just physical. I dont get the relationship dynamics. 

I like the freedom and flexible roles that being in a same sex relationship gives me.

I have a long distance gf ive known for 6 months. She has been different to other girls in the past. It just feels so comfortable and so effortless to make love to her with all senses. 

I think its great there are many girls who prefer relationships and physical with women. Homophobes would have u think there are people out there converting others to same sex relationships never to return to the hetero world. Maybe they feel more reassured now.

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Actually, continuing on from my previous comment, my form of bisexuality seems to be the exact opposite of the women here who can’t see themselves in a ‘romantic’ relationship with a woman. I am sometimes sexually attracted to particular men, and in the past had romantic relationships with men, but never fell in love with one, or wanted to seriously commit to one...which meant that the relationship was really just all about sex and other forms of fun... But, ultimately once I finally admitted to myself that the sex I had with men, although enjoyable, was totally inferior to the sex I had with women, and that I preferred women in every way, I then decided that there was really no point in continuing to see men, and have lived my life as a lesbian ever since. 

Despite the fact that most men have absolutely no problem objectifying women, in one way or another (often without even realizing that they’re doing so), some of my male lovers accused me of objectifying men, because they knew I preferred women and had no intention of becoming more serious about our relationship (moving in together, or getting married)...and I did wonder if that was actually true. Was I objectifying men by conducting affectionate sexual relationships with them, but not falling in love with and committing to them? In the end, I decided that it was a matter of expectations, but that most men (and people in general) expected more, so, if not unethical, at the very least, for me, it wasn’t really a practical way to live.  

Now, like @FlaGrl08, the originator of this thread, I see that there are quite a few women here on Shy, most of whom are married to men, who are attracted to and desire women sexually, but for one reason or another, claim that they cannot see themselves in a romantic relationship with a woman...and, at the risk of being burnt at the stake, I wonder if this is just a way of managing their own expectations with regard to their desires (i.e. choosing not to desire what they believe they cannot have, or what could potentially throw their heterosexual marital life into chaos). 

While, of course, human beings embody every possible variation of sexuality and way of being, and I believe that, bar those that harm others, we must all accept that, I must confess that reading these posts I sometimes get angry and want to shout out, ‘Don’t you think women are objectified enough in this world, without contributing to the objectification of each other? Please do us all a favour and stick to men!’ But then I get a grip, and just think, well ‘different strokes for different folks’...and what goes on between two consenting adults is their own business. Clearly, some women don’t mind being objectified in that way (and, in fact, enjoy being objectified in more extreme ways, for example, in the context of BDSM)... It’s a point of contention - to such an extent that some members of Shy have actually left because they found it unacceptable or distasteful - but one that I can live with, as long as we’re not talking about using and abusing women, like so many men do (which is all over the news right now, as it should be).

HOWEVER, having said that, I have to admit that I find it impossible to understand how anyone could possibly confine their interest in and desire for women to the purely sexual, as if erecting an artificial boundary between the body and the emotions contained therein, when there is so much more to experience and enjoy, and the potential for the most intense and fulfilling forms of intimacy imaginable with another woman... How can they resist? 

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38 minutes ago, BenedettaC said:

Actually, continuing on from my previous comment, my form of bisexuality seems to be the exact opposite of the women here who can’t see themselves in a ‘romantic’ relationship with a woman. I am sometimes sexually attracted to particular men, and in the past had romantic relationships with men, but never fell in love with one, or wanted to seriously commit to one...which meant that the relationship was really just all about sex and other forms of fun... But, ultimately once I finally admitted to myself that the sex I had with men, although enjoyable, was totally inferior to the sex I had with women, and that I preferred women in every way, I then decided that there was really no point in continuing to see men, and have lived my life as a lesbian ever since. 

Despite the fact that most men have absolutely no problem objectifying women, in one way or another (often without even realizing that they’re doing so), some of my male lovers accused me of objectifying men, because they knew I preferred women and had no intention of becoming more serious about our relationship (moving in together, or getting married)...and I did wonder if that was actually true. Was I objectifying men by conducting affectionate sexual relationships with them, but not falling in love with and committing to them? In the end, I decided that it was a matter of expectations, but that most men (and people in general) expected more, so, if not unethical, at the very least, for me, it wasn’t really a practical way to live.  

Now, like @FlaGrl08, the originator of this thread, I see that there are quite a few women here on Shy, most of whom are married to men, who are attracted to and desire women sexually, but for one reason or another, claim that they cannot see themselves in a romantic relationship with a woman...and, at the risk of being burnt at the stake, I wonder if this is just a way of managing their own expectations with regard to their desires (i.e. choosing not to desire what they believe they cannot have, or what could potentially throw their heterosexual marital life into chaos). 

While, of course, human beings embody every possible variation of sexuality and way of being, and I believe that, bar those that harm others, we must all accept that, I must confess that reading these posts I sometimes get angry and want to shout out, ‘Don’t you think women are objectified enough in this world, without contributing to the objectification of each other? Please do us all a favour and stick to men!’ But then I get a grip, and just think, well ‘different strokes for different folks’...and what goes on between two consenting adults is their own business. Clearly, some women don’t mind being objectified in that way (and, in fact, enjoy being objectified in more extreme ways, for example, in the context of BDSM)... It’s a point of contention - to such an extent that some members of Shy have actually left because they found it unacceptable or distasteful - but one that I can live with, as long as we’re not talking about using and abusing women, like so many men do (which is all over the news right now, as it should be).

HOWEVER, having said that, I have to admit that I find it impossible to understand how anyone could possibly confine their interest in and desire for women to the purely sexual, as if erecting an artificial boundary between the body and the emotions contained therein, when there is so much more to experience and enjoy, and the potential for the most intense and fulfilling forms of intimacy imaginable with another woman... How can they resist? 

Agree with you. I am more emotionally and romantically inclined towards women. Probably will be sexually too. I have not had sex with either but from romantic and flirtatious interactions i am more inclined towards women and wining and dining  a woman i am in love with is a dream.

I think it maybe depends on whether someone lets  a female into their heart to be romantic and intimate with or if its a purely sexual thing. Either way it should be made clear from the outset so there are no mismatched expectations or any leading on. 

 

It could be fear of homophobia. Its not easy to have a same sex relationship compared to being in a heterosexual relationships. Many may feel it is easier to be with a guy than have true love with female. 

Heteroflexible is another term ive heard for someone who is otherwise heterosexu but flexible to have a physical relation with a female once in a while. Sinilarly there is a term called homoflexible.

https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heteroflexibility&ved=0ahUKEwjc1aCP6t_YAhVP57wKHWWVD7sQFggxMAI&usg=AOvVaw0xgxdORcLOClFcpvbIsqOU

 

Heteroflexible could be a shade of bisexual or another identity.

https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4549126&ved=2ahUKEwjc1aCP6t_YAhVP57wKHWWVD7sQFjAGegQIEhAB&usg=AOvVaw2xHqBSHhhyovZnh0TqudAB

 

Edited by Rani
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43 minutes ago, BenedettaC said:

Actually, continuing on from my previous comment, my form of bisexuality seems to be the exact opposite of the women here who can’t see themselves in a ‘romantic’ relationship with a woman. I am sometimes sexually attracted to particular men, and in the past had romantic relationships with men, but never fell in love with one, or wanted to seriously commit to one...which meant that the relationship was really just all about sex and other forms of fun... But, ultimately once I finally admitted to myself that the sex I had with men, although enjoyable, was totally inferior to the sex I had with women, and that I preferred women in every way, I then decided that there was really no point in continuing to see men, and have lived my life as a lesbian ever since. 

Despite the fact that most men have absolutely no problem objectifying women, in one way or another (often without even realizing that they’re doing so), some of my male lovers accused me of objectifying men, because they knew I preferred women and had no intention of becoming more serious about our relationship (moving in together, or getting married)...and I did wonder if that was actually true. Was I objectifying men by conducting affectionate sexual relationships with them, but not falling in love with and committing to them? In the end, I decided that it was a matter of expectations, but that most men (and people in general) expected more, so, if not unethical, at the very least, for me, it wasn’t really a practical way to live.  

Now, like @FlaGrl08, the originator of this thread, I see that there are quite a few women here on Shy, most of whom are married to men, who are attracted to and desire women sexually, but for one reason or another, claim that they cannot see themselves in a romantic relationship with a woman...and, at the risk of being burnt at the stake, I wonder if this is just a way of managing their own expectations with regard to their desires (i.e. choosing not to desire what they believe they cannot have, or what could potentially throw their heterosexual marital life into chaos). 

While, of course, human beings embody every possible variation of sexuality and way of being, and I believe that, bar those that harm others, we must all accept that, I must confess that reading these posts I sometimes get angry and want to shout out, ‘Don’t you think women are objectified enough in this world, without contributing to the objectification of each other? Please do us all a favour and stick to men!’ But then I get a grip, and just think, well ‘different strokes for different folks’...and what goes on between two consenting adults is their own business. Clearly, some women don’t mind being objectified in that way (and, in fact, enjoy being objectified in more extreme ways, for example, in the context of BDSM)... It’s a point of contention - to such an extent that some members of Shy have actually left because they found it unacceptable or distasteful - but one that I can live with, as long as we’re not talking about using and abusing women, like so many men do (which is all over the news right now, as it should be).

HOWEVER, having said that, I have to admit that I find it impossible to understand how anyone could possibly confine their interest in and desire for women to the purely sexual, as if erecting an artificial boundary between the body and the emotions contained therein, when there is so much more to experience and enjoy, and the potential for the most intense and fulfilling forms of intimacy imaginable with another woman... How can they resist? 

I have a thread on differences in sex with men vs women. According to you what was better with women then men when it comes to sex and relationships? 

I have a gf who i love and would have wanted to be exclusive with but i wonder if i should try being with a guy as a comparison as ive never been with one.

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Some posts in here make me realise that if I ever do have sex with a female, make sure it's with a woman who totally identifies as a bisexual  or bi curious rather than a lesbian, is either in a relationship with a man, or is open with the fact that her primary romantic interests are with men.

In other words, someone on the same page as I am to avoid tricky situations!

PS I am single too, but I know if I marry someone or move in with someone it will be a male.

So, it's not a cop-out to avoid romantic relationships with females it's simply the truth as to how I identify!

Edited by bikiwi
to add more
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I could identify as a straight, a bi-curious, a bisexual but I don't identify as a lesbian if I need to label myself.

I think my label is probably bisexual, however as I've always been physically attracted to women, watch porn with women in it, etc! That is a bisexual, I think.

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 I'm married to a man,  and I've been with women for 7 years now.  I think I joined this site around 7 years ago also.  I used to stress and obsess over finding a label for myself,  and now I realize I don't need one,  or want one.  I used to think I wanted a woman as a FWB, and as time went on realized feelings usually got involved for me.  I guess what I'm saying is,  you may think one thing,  until a situation happens,  and you might end up surprising even yourself.  I've learned so much about myself in these last 7 years! I've eaten my words many times,  and I've grown tremendously from my experiences. 

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@BenedettaC I can understand your point of view, but is it necessarily an objectification, to just have a sex relationship with another person? I mean, as I said, I need to also be emotionally involved, but this does not mean I want to commit to the other. Of course, I would just do it if the other feels the same way, I could never ever use someone's feelings to have a "sex toy". Is it objectification when there's more than pure physics l attraction, but not enough to build something stable? And, most importantly, if both parties are in the same boat and agree on which kind of relationship it is?

In my opinion, it becomes an objectification if the other wants more, but I keep him/her just for fun and personal enjoyment...

Also, it's possible that bisexuals not wanting a romantic relationship with a woman are just afraid, but I woulnd't say that's always the case. (I personally define myself as bi-curious, rather than bisexual, though, for this precise reason)

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8 hours ago, Yare said:

@BenedettaC I can understand your point of view, but is it necessarily an objectification, to just have a sex relationship with another person? I mean, as I said, I need to also be emotionally involved, but this does not mean I want to commit to the other. Of course, I would just do it if the other feels the same way, I could never ever use someone's feelings to have a "sex toy". Is it objectification when there's more than pure physics l attraction, but not enough to build something stable? And, most importantly, if both parties are in the same boat and agree on which kind of relationship it is?

In my opinion, it becomes an objectification if the other wants more, but I keep him/her just for fun and personal enjoyment...

Also, it's possible that bisexuals not wanting a romantic relationship with a woman are just afraid, but I woulnd't say that's always the case. (I personally define myself as bi-curious, rather than bisexual, though, for this precise reason)

 

@Yare - No, I'm not saying that having a strictly sexual relationship with another person is definitely objectification, but that viewing someone strictly as a sex object (i.e. as a 'sex toy') and nothing more is.

I'm coming from the perspective of gay (and human) rights, specifically the right of people in same-sex relationships to be considered as equal to those in heterosexual relationships, which is something I have fought for all of my life. So, when I read statements by women here (married and otherwise) who say that they desire sex with a woman or are in a sexual relationship with a woman, but would NEVER consider being in a 'romantic' relationship with her, it comes across to me as treating that woman as a second-class citizen and sex object, and frankly, as homophobic. She's good (i.e. attractive) enough to have sex with (putting it more crudely, to f**k), but not good enough to be taken seriously as a human being with feelings, and emotional needs. So, even if both parties agree to having a strictly sexual relationship, that general perspective itself has ethical implications that render it problematic. Do you see what I mean?

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20 minutes ago, BenedettaC said:

 

@Yare - No, I'm not saying that having a strictly sexual relationship with another person is definitely objectification, but that viewing someone strictly as a sex object (i.e. as a 'sex toy') and nothing more is.

I'm coming from the perspective of gay (and human) rights, specifically the right of people in same-sex relationships to be considered as equal to those in heterosexual relationships, which is something I have fought for all of my life. So, when I read statements by women here (married and otherwise) who say that they desire sex with a woman or are in a sexual relationship with a woman, but would NEVER consider being in a 'romantic' relationship with her, it comes across to me as treating that woman as a second-class citizen and sex object, and frankly, as homophobic. She's good (i.e. attractive) enough to have sex with (putting it more crudely, to f**k), but not good enough to be taken seriously as a human being with feelings, and emotional needs. So, even if both parties agree to having a strictly sexual relationship, that general perspective itself has ethical implications that render it problematic. Do you see what I mean?

Yap, it's slightly different from what I understood in the first place, I get it now :)

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3 hours ago, BenedettaC said:

 

@Yare - No, I'm not saying that having a strictly sexual relationship with another person is definitely objectification, but that viewing someone strictly as a sex object (i.e. as a 'sex toy') and nothing more is.

I'm coming from the perspective of gay (and human) rights, specifically the right of people in same-sex relationships to be considered as equal to those in heterosexual relationships, which is something I have fought for all of my life. So, when I read statements by women here (married and otherwise) who say that they desire sex with a woman or are in a sexual relationship with a woman, but would NEVER consider being in a 'romantic' relationship with her, it comes across to me as treating that woman as a second-class citizen and sex object, and frankly, as homophobic. She's good (i.e. attractive) enough to have sex with (putting it more crudely, to f**k), but not good enough to be taken seriously as a human being with feelings, and emotional needs. So, even if both parties agree to having a strictly sexual relationship, that general perspective itself has ethical implications that render it problematic. Do you see what I mean?

@BenedettaC I understand why it feels, sounds and sometimes truly is disrespectful to women.  I think it comes from some women here haven't really had the experiences without some form of complication, no offence intended - in reality to navigate their feelings for a woman as a possiblity outside of open relationships/staying together the sake of marriage, children etc. In practice, while there often is difference in relationship status between people when it comes to chemistry and fleshing out the possibilities, you can't really approach anybody male or female without care and respect, if you're casual and that's how you deal with all your relationships, I can see how that can work but as a life choice, it's a very fine line in which many women become unstuck or fool themselves into thinking they can walk with limited emotions and harmless entanglements. 

I consider myself fortunate to have experienced both sides of the coin but it seems many women struggle not developing feelings for other women, but it comforts them to think it's possible. This isn't a solely female trait either, men having meaningless affairs etc, often suffer the same fate. If you try to decompartmentalize too much, you're asking for trouble. It's possible to give and care deeply without them being your primary relationship but nobody should be made to feel a second class citizen and yet it happens! It's almost like many people don't want to accept there's always some ownness on you and this isn't strictly a LGBT issue it's the majorities attitude to casual sex which often doesn't see as many women in control of their destiny, I do like to think it's improving somewhat though.

*Forgot to add, perhaps in some ways it is an internalized form of homophobia, it depends on the individual and the degree but I've seen similar of women who happily call themselves gay but don't engage in monogamous or truly romantic relationships? @BenedettaC do you seen that as along the same lines. I've certainly in the past tried to approach things from a casual angle for that reason, but in the end you have to give your desires the credit they deserve whether you admit that to the wider world or not when you're intimate with someone it should show through.

Edited by Hungry
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