miamia

Best friend with benefits, is that possible?!

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Hey girls,

I was hoping some of you might be able to give me a little bit of advice! Over the last year I have come so far on my bi-journey! I have come out to a few friends, spoken openly about (some of!) my desires and have begun searching/liking/matching with both males and females, I have even been on a date with a woman! (This is a huge step, previously I’ve always kept this a secret).

I have always had a firm no friends rule, so although I have a few out bi and lesbian friends I would always avoid going there.  I have a meet lined up with a woman (who is married to a very aware husband) this weekend which is very exciting!

However, over the last few weeks (more like months) I’ve suspected I have a bit of a crush/sexual attraction or tension with my best friend.  I don’t really like breaking my rules so it is freaking me out a little bit! We are very close, we make jokes about getting married, share everything and hang out a lot together.  Initially this used to freak me out a little but now I wouldn’t want my life to be any other way.  

She is also bi and we talk about the girls she has had sex with (we talk about the boys too and sex in general) and initially I made a big deal that I’d be the only friend she hasn’t screwed.  

I don’t even know if she’s into me (I have no awareness of that stuff, when it’s directed at me) however I kind of regret taking such a strong stance on it now and I’m wondering if you guys have any ideas about how I could find out if she would be into it/me without having to tell her straight up?

 

thanks!

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Yikes! No idea how to tell if she’s into you, but with your connection if being best friends, you could have a fabulous relationship ahead of you!

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I would say,  only proceed if you understand and can be ok with the adverse affects it can have on your friendship.  It could turn into something great, but it could also go the other way, so you would have to be conscious of that too.  

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Hey guys :)

Thanks for your replies! I have done a lot of (over) thinking! And I think my friendship with her is far too precious to loose.  If down the track something happens organically then I’ll worry about that then, but I think the best thing to do  is to let things continue as normal :) 

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Probably a good idea to see if it happens naturally, if that’s the case.  I am only friends with one friend that anything ever happened with, and she and I were so drunk that’s the only way that ever happened (though when I was recently single, I think she was trying to suggest something).  I’ve dated a couple of friends, and some ended okay, some ended poorly.  I was FWB with an ex-GF and that morphed back into a relationship that ended in disaster.  

I think it really depends on the people involved, the circumstances along the way, and various other factors.  You won’t  know if you don’t try, but I can also understand your hesitation.  

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So there have been a couple of developments over the last week or so.  Both involving alcohol.  The first was a drunken day/night leading to some flirtation and skinny dipping and the second ended in a faiiirly explicit video (of mine) being sent...there was a lot more inbetween, but I don’t want to bore you guys with the details...I am starting to think that I’m not dreaming this up?

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I too tend to over think things. Way to much honestly. I had a friends with benefits with my best friend, I don’t know if she really is Bi or what but we only really had make out sessions. One night we had sex and I guess I had it so worked up in my head how it was suppose to go, it wasn’t what I was expecting. We stopped shortly after that. But we are still great friends and honestly our relationship is better now then it was before. Although that maybe due to the fact she has a new boyfriend and I have a girlfriend. So we are both happy. New girlfriend was also a close friend. I tend to get attached and I will say it’s not as easy as I thought. I thought I could go into it strictly as friends and we would have fun in the process. Of course I start to have feelings and such. We are both married and both happy as far as that goes so it’s not like we are going to leave our husbands. But finding time and learning to be patient and where I fit in can be difficult. 

If you do plan on going that route, my advise would be to communicate. It is key in this type of situations. Our biggest downfall as been not communicating. I’m working on understanding and being patient and as soon as a I get the chance I’m going to tell her that when she tells me things I can be patient and understanding, but, I need to know things first. 

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Best friend with benefits (in my opinion) do not work. 

I know first hand that it ruined my friendship. And my best friend was my other half. I lost my friendship for a few weeks of pure happiness. I wouldn't take it back because it made me realize who I truly am. I just wish I had my friendship back, any form really, with her.

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I had a friend with benefits years ago now (as i sob) and it was amazing for a long time until i found a boyfriend and it ended badly. We didnt speak for years until he found me on facebook and we have been messenger for years (he now lives abroad) but we have met up on the couple occasions he has come home. I think it is one of these things that can work for some but not others.. do what feels right for you at that time...regret what you have done ratjer than wonder what could have been..

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I would try to avoid it if you can. I started out with a friend with benefits situation with my friend. I was in a bad marriage & was looking for comfort. Started out great, we just got closer & closer until we really fell for each other. My marriage has damaged me terribly & im still trying to deal with that. My friend & I, although we love each other, there is a lot of bitterness & resentment because my marriage isn't finished yet. Any day now, we are going to say enough is enough & I know we can't be friends. 

The good was amazing, but the bad is traumatic. Avoid if you can. Xx

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Friends are not food.

seriously though only few can make that work usually it crashes and burns fast! 

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On 1/19/2018 at 6:00 PM, Fun said:

I would say,  only proceed if you understand and can be ok with the adverse affects it can have on your friendship.  It could turn into something great, but it could also go the other way, so you would have to be conscious of that too.  

Yeah, I spoiled a friendship of over 20 years with sex. I honestly thought it wouldn't turn out the way it did. I would never do that again.

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On 4/16/2018 at 3:53 PM, partofme said:

I had a friend with benefits years ago now (as i sob) and it was amazing for a long time until i found a boyfriend and it ended badly. We didnt speak for years until he found me on facebook and we have been messenger for years (he now lives abroad) but we have met up on the couple occasions he has come home. I think it is one of these things that can work for some but not others.. do what feels right for you at that time...regret what you have done ratjer than wonder what could have been..

I prefer to regret what was done instead of what could have been as well. Didn't turn out well though. No way I could have known. Something to consider.

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On 4/16/2018 at 2:50 PM, Punkbettie said:

Best friend with benefits (in my opinion) do not work. 

I know first hand that it ruined my friendship. And my best friend was my other half. I lost my friendship for a few weeks of pure happiness. I wouldn't take it back because it made me realize who I truly am. I just wish I had my friendship back, any form really, with her.

Exactly my experience too. I learned a lot from it. Was my only sexual experience with a woman. I couldn't have gone forward in life without doing that at the time, but it sucks I lost a friend. Just seems like that was meant to be unfortunately.

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My first femal relationship was with a “friend” although I am pretty sure I only befriended her because I thought she was cute. We never had sex but oh what a tangled relationship we had. We did everything but. Ruined our friendship. 

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For some it can work, for others I don't believe it can.  Just go into it knowing it has real potential consequences if things don't work out.

 It can be painful to lose a girlfriend or a best friend, but to lose someone who is both takes a long time to recover from. 

I believe it's better to love and risk, then not love at all... but sometimes it can backfire and in this case the gun is double loaded.

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It is possible, but doesn’t come without complications.  It can be very emotionally & sexually fulfilling but both parties must be strong communicators and mature about the arrangement they are entering if they want to preserve a healthy balance .  It is very easy to fall for your bestie in these scenarios.  Managing emotions is important.

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I, too, had a sexual relationship with a close friend.  Like another poster, I became close to her because I was attracted to her from the get-go.  I won't say it ended "badly", but my feelings were very hurt along the way.  I wouldn't change it, though.  The feelings and attraction are what made the sex so hot.  I finally accepted the bi side of myself because of her.  I say you should let it happen naturally, since it sounds like that's what's happening, anyway.  Keep us posted!

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I just met my old FWB for dinner yesterday because I was in town. We had a long talk, including him finally telling me a year later that he broke things off because he simply wasn't ready to be with anybody in any capacity - in fact he hasn't dated anybody since. That was a huge weight off me, knowing that I hadn't done anything wrong to push him away. On some level I'd felt like I was too broken and couldn't give him what he deserved - apparently he thought the same about me. It was a little bittersweet but I'm so glad we talked. It gave me a new appreciation for continuing to have this wonderful human in my life as a kind and faithful friend. I don't regret what happened with him (although I really wish I'd gone ahead and fucked him, dammit) and I'm just grateful for the good times then and the different sort of good times now.

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My best friend is also a gf, so it can work, but like with any relationship, there is a risk involved. So far, so good, mostly because we're both more about the sexual expereince than anything more deeply committed and romantic. :) 

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