miamia

Best friend with benefits, is that possible?!

11 posts in this topic

Hey girls,

I was hoping some of you might be able to give me a little bit of advice! Over the last year I have come so far on my bi-journey! I have come out to a few friends, spoken openly about (some of!) my desires and have begun searching/liking/matching with both males and females, I have even been on a date with a woman! (This is a huge step, previously I’ve always kept this a secret).

I have always had a firm no friends rule, so although I have a few out bi and lesbian friends I would always avoid going there.  I have a meet lined up with a woman (who is married to a very aware husband) this weekend which is very exciting!

However, over the last few weeks (more like months) I’ve suspected I have a bit of a crush/sexual attraction or tension with my best friend.  I don’t really like breaking my rules so it is freaking me out a little bit! We are very close, we make jokes about getting married, share everything and hang out a lot together.  Initially this used to freak me out a little but now I wouldn’t want my life to be any other way.  

She is also bi and we talk about the girls she has had sex with (we talk about the boys too and sex in general) and initially I made a big deal that I’d be the only friend she hasn’t screwed.  

I don’t even know if she’s into me (I have no awareness of that stuff, when it’s directed at me) however I kind of regret taking such a strong stance on it now and I’m wondering if you guys have any ideas about how I could find out if she would be into it/me without having to tell her straight up?

 

thanks!

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Yikes! No idea how to tell if she’s into you, but with your connection if being best friends, you could have a fabulous relationship ahead of you!

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I would say,  only proceed if you understand and can be ok with the adverse affects it can have on your friendship.  It could turn into something great, but it could also go the other way, so you would have to be conscious of that too.  

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Hey guys :)

Thanks for your replies! I have done a lot of (over) thinking! And I think my friendship with her is far too precious to loose.  If down the track something happens organically then I’ll worry about that then, but I think the best thing to do  is to let things continue as normal :) 

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Probably a good idea to see if it happens naturally, if that’s the case.  I am only friends with one friend that anything ever happened with, and she and I were so drunk that’s the only way that ever happened (though when I was recently single, I think she was trying to suggest something).  I’ve dated a couple of friends, and some ended okay, some ended poorly.  I was FWB with an ex-GF and that morphed back into a relationship that ended in disaster.  

I think it really depends on the people involved, the circumstances along the way, and various other factors.  You won’t  know if you don’t try, but I can also understand your hesitation.  

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So there have been a couple of developments over the last week or so.  Both involving alcohol.  The first was a drunken day/night leading to some flirtation and skinny dipping and the second ended in a faiiirly explicit video (of mine) being sent...there was a lot more inbetween, but I don’t want to bore you guys with the details...I am starting to think that I’m not dreaming this up?

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I too tend to over think things. Way to much honestly. I had a friends with benefits with my best friend, I don’t know if she really is Bi or what but we only really had make out sessions. One night we had sex and I guess I had it so worked up in my head how it was suppose to go, it wasn’t what I was expecting. We stopped shortly after that. But we are still great friends and honestly our relationship is better now then it was before. Although that maybe due to the fact she has a new boyfriend and I have a girlfriend. So we are both happy. New girlfriend was also a close friend. I tend to get attached and I will say it’s not as easy as I thought. I thought I could go into it strictly as friends and we would have fun in the process. Of course I start to have feelings and such. We are both married and both happy as far as that goes so it’s not like we are going to leave our husbands. But finding time and learning to be patient and where I fit in can be difficult. 

If you do plan on going that route, my advise would be to communicate. It is key in this type of situations. Our biggest downfall as been not communicating. I’m working on understanding and being patient and as soon as a I get the chance I’m going to tell her that when she tells me things I can be patient and understanding, but, I need to know things first. 

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My take on this subject is that friends with benefits can work.

Best friends with benefits, probably not.

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Best friend with benefits (in my opinion) do not work. 

I know first hand that it ruined my friendship. And my best friend was my other half. I lost my friendship for a few weeks of pure happiness. I wouldn't take it back because it made me realize who I truly am. I just wish I had my friendship back, any form really, with her.

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I had a friend with benefits years ago now (as i sob) and it was amazing for a long time until i found a boyfriend and it ended badly. We didnt speak for years until he found me on facebook and we have been messenger for years (he now lives abroad) but we have met up on the couple occasions he has come home. I think it is one of these things that can work for some but not others.. do what feels right for you at that time...regret what you have done ratjer than wonder what could have been..

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I would try to avoid it if you can. I started out with a friend with benefits situation with my friend. I was in a bad marriage & was looking for comfort. Started out great, we just got closer & closer until we really fell for each other. My marriage has damaged me terribly & im still trying to deal with that. My friend & I, although we love each other, there is a lot of bitterness & resentment because my marriage isn't finished yet. Any day now, we are going to say enough is enough & I know we can't be friends. 

The good was amazing, but the bad is traumatic. Avoid if you can. Xx

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