green tea

What's a shy girl to do in a complicated situation??

23 posts in this topic

Hi ladies, I need some advice here :)

So basically I have a crush on a woman. She's hot as hell and I'm pretty sure she's into girls too, but also I'm a complete chicken when it comes to making the 1st move. Not just with women, with guys too, but its much less of a problem with guys... anyway I'm getting a little off topic here. Back to my situation... to complicate matters, we work for the same company, tho we don't see each other all to often and rarely work together. And one more little wrinkle - we work with kids (!!!)

I'm always very professional at work. I would never try to make a move on her at work or anything like that. And did I mention I'm also a complete chicken? The signals I'm getting from her seem to say she's kind of into me too... you know, smiling, dreamy eye contact, going out of her way to touch me or brush up against me, compliments on what I'm wearing... things like that. Even tho I'm a total chicken, I'm pretty good at spotting the signs of attraction ;) I've actually invited Ms Crush to hang after work several times. She's refused my offers way more times than she's accepted, but she has taken me up on it a few times. I'm just paralyzed with fear or whatever it is, and I'm completely unable to make a move when I'm around her.

So my questions for you are:

1. Is going after her a terrible idea, with the work relationship and all?

2. Do u have any tips for gathering up enough courage to make the 1st move? Any handy dandy pickup lines you like to use? :lol: I'm not a big drinker, so liquid courage isn't really an option for me.

One more thing I should probably mention is that I'm not really all that experienced with women. The furthest I've gone with a lady is a hot and steamy makeout session, but that's about it. It's not really what's holding me back in this situation tho. I'm sure if I ever got into an intimate setting with her I'd figure out what to do real quick ;) It's  my crippling shyness that's the problem. 

Thanks for your advice!!!

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I have no experience with women, and I’m a total chicken shit too, I doubt I’d ever be brave enough to make the first move...unless I was absolutely sure it was desired by the other person. I don’t really have any advice, just wanted to comment to bring this thread to the top in hopes that someone else will have some advice.

I wish you luck and I hope you do decide to go for it. I don’t really see the work relationship as a problem, as you’ve said, you don’t see one another often.

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I’m a total chicken shit as well, but the last two women I’ve dated (including my current GF) have had to be VERY explicit with me about their interest for me to get it, and I’m glad they were.

I say try inviting her out, just the two of you.  Try to get some time alone to really suss her out, and get a little more forward.  Since you don’t work directly together, and she’s not your boss or vice versa, I’d say give it a go!

Remember that courage is not a lack of fear, it’s acting in the face of fear.  You can do this!!

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The possibility of a wonderful relationship is there…I’d be scared too! I like the sound of getting more alone time just the two of you to assess the situation a bit more. Then hopefully you’ll relax in her company a bit and not feel so crippled by your shyness. Good luck!

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My biggest fear myself would be by being forward with her,  only to found out that she was just being friendly and not into women or on the same page at all.  Besides the compliments,  what else does she do to give you the feeling that she's interested? 

I say more power to you if you feel like being direct is what you want to do. I hope it turns out for the best!

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Thanks for the replies everyone!!! 

2 hours ago, Fun said:

My biggest fear myself would be by being forward with her,  only to found out that she was just being friendly and not into women or on the same page at all.  Besides the compliments,  what else does she do to give you the feeling that she's interested? 

I was more concerned about the work relationship myself, but what you're saying is very true. If I read her cues wrong and am too forward, it would make for really awkward work encounters.

But I don't think I'm reading her cues wrong. The main one is the eye contact. I pay very close attention to eye contact with people, not just with her. And the eye contact with her is very different from the eye contact of platonic friends/acquaintances. I don't know how else to describe it, but its... dreamy. I can just tell something's going on. I use the eye contact test with guys, and when they're giving me the "sexy" eyes, I'm usually right about their intentions. But guys are just a lot less subtle... 

And on top of the eye contact, she does the "accidental" brushing up against me, touching my shoulder, etc., which really just reenforces what I'm already thinking about the eye contact. She's also raised her eyebrows at me a few times (while smiling), which is also a sign of attraction. When guys make faces at you they usually want to get in you pants, and when you mimic the faces, you're probably into it as well. I was much too paralyzed to mimic the facial expressions back to her, or to reciprocate anything else, but I probably gave her some dreamy eye contact back - because she's really hot and I'm totally attracted to her, and that stuff is involuntary. So I'm probably giving her some mixed signals inadvertently. I'll guess I'll have to use *words* to let her know I'm interested :O:O:O

Yikes! Easier said then done, but thank you for the vote of confidence ladies! I will try my best to ask her out and actually use words. And, like, sentences and stuff

<gulp>

 

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Do you know if this woman is single? (I would find out before getting your hopes up.) Of course, she could be with someone and be poly, but it definitely helps to know the score before you make a serious move...

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Hey @green tea I totally get what you're saying about the eye contact saying so much, and when amplified by physical signals, intoxicating! I do hope you're right, and this woman is single and gives you a chance!

However, (ugh sorry to be a downer) these signals alone are not enough. I would definitely continue with the outside-of-work activities that you are already doing with her. Start slowly, get to know what her personal life is like (esp whether or not she's available!!) Once you get some more facts and decide you still want to persue her, again, go small. There's plenty of subtle ways to bring up the topic of sexuality. A current or local event, a news/political topic, a gay/bi/trans friend, coworker, or celebrity, etc.  See how she responds. From there, you'll prob have to play it by ear, but no rush. Keep us updated! 

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I don’t necessarily agree, I think that being subtle, while safe, isn’t always the best approach. If both people involved are subtle, how are you supposed to get anywhere. Sometimes you just gotta go out on a limb, vulnerability is part of the game...this coming from someone who’s terrified of vulnerability lol. Seriously though, at least one person has to step up. If a woman was interested in me (heaven forbid), I’d want her to slap me in the face with it, I don’t want to have to question it, I have enough shit to question in my life

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2 minutes ago, Cute&Curious said:

Seriously though, at least one person has to step up. If a woman was interested in me (heaven forbid), I’d want her to slap me in the face with it, I don’t want to have to question it, I have enough shit to question in my life

Geez you must be the dream girl of all of us:wub:  You have a point. Seriously,  I would certainly do what you said provided that the woman is really into women too. If her sexuality is unknown then I'd do subtle. Some women retreat when you come too strong or too frank especially the beginners. Lol.. some can't handle it well. In this regard, I agree on @Mandolin to do her diligent research and go small in the beginning. 

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Lol I have been openly lesbian for quite a while now. Have been at both the giving and receiving end of many a gazing and flirty female exchange. Ninety-some percent of this is just harmless fun with no serious intent. I'm no expert at this by any means but based on solely my experience, I think it's a bit premature to go bold in this situation at this point. However, there's really not much risk if you feel compelled to just go for it. Worst case scenario it might be awkward for a short time at work, but likely she'll be flattered so it prob wouldn't be bad. Best case scenario, you get a hot date! 

Good luck, I hope she's into you!

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Wow, so much to think about. Again, thanks for the responses everyone! Some really good stuff here!

I'm pretty sure Ms Crush is into women. I've kind of been stalking her on social media lol.  Unfortunately I have no idea is she's single or not. (Hopefully!!! ) But basically it sounds like the best thing to do is to have a conversation with her. Errrrmmm..... words..... Yikes!!! 

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Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’d be terrified to be bold, when it comes to approaching women I wasn’t sure was into women (which is pretty much EVERYONE). I just mean, if I were on the receiving end, I’d need bold in order to get the point. 

However if she’s giving off signals (even subtly) and your instincts tell you that she is into women (and into you), than I think it’s ok to be a bit more forward.

But I have ZERO experience so my advice shouldn’t be taken too seriously lol.

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All of the above advice is relevant and useful, but there's one thing you always need to remember, which is that there isn't a one-size-fits-all rule for how to express romantic interest in a woman, or for how to ask her out. You really do need to pay attention to all of the variables, and to find out a bit more about her, because there is a huge difference between someone who is an out bisexual or lesbian, and someone who is just curious or still finding her way. In the case of the former, it's usually just a matter of whether she's available and into you too, but if it's the latter, then things could be far more tricky, and there is more of a possibility that she's just engaging in meaningless flirting for fun (or experimentally) or could get scared and run (or gaslight you) if you come on too strong. Also, if you do express same-sex romantic interest in a work colleague and she has a bad reaction (some women engage in the heinous practice of flirting with other women, then retreat into a homophobic mindset if they get a serious response, mainly due to their own unresolved sexual identity issues), then you need to be prepared to be outed to other work colleagues (sad but true).

What are the give-away signs on Ms Crush's social media that she's into women? 

 

 

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I make my intentions clear. I like honesty and hate assuming. Assuming  makes me think a lot and this brings troubles. So I prefer to clear everything. 

If you start with flirting a little and test the limits you will understand if there is interest and you can go from there. Personally if I know that the other one is interested a little and open I will wait for the right moment and I'll say or show  exactly how I want things to go.

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7 hours ago, BenedettaC said:

What are the give-away signs on Ms Crush's social media that she's into women? 

 

 

She's posted that she was looking for queer events to attend around town, she's also posted about going to Pride marches etc, and she posts things related to LGBTQ rights.

Sounds pretty promising, no? ;) 

Now I just gotta whip up the courage to actually have a conversation with her..... 

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I see... Yes, that definitely sounds positive! :)

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Yep, very good signs! I hope she's single and she's got hots for you. If she's not but she's single and you do not mind a little challenge then put a bit of an effort there and make her yours. This is exciting! Ask her out again for coffee or if there's a good movie, ask her to watch it with you. You can text,  "Hey, such and such is showing, wanna watch? Try to relax and enjoy her company and the "moment." Be natural. Keep us updated :) 

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3 hours ago, green tea said:

She's posted that she was looking for queer events to attend around town, she's also posted about going to Pride marches etc, and she posts things related to LGBTQ rights.

Sounds pretty promising, no? ;) 

Now I just gotta whip up the courage to actually have a conversation with her..... 

Well, this looks very promising!  Good luck and I will be looking forward to an update. I am pretty shy myself, so it will also be interesting to know how you take your approach. :-)

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7 hours ago, blueberry said:

If she's not but she's single and you do not mind a little challenge then put a bit of an effort there and make her yours. 

Hahahaha, thanks for the vote of confidence. Having a conversation with her and verbalizing my attraction are challenging enough! :blink: I have a tendency to freeze up in social situations, especially when I like someone. 

Edited by green tea
correct grammar
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Aaaaaah I'm such a chicken! I saw Ms Crush tonite, but couldn't get a single word out of my mouth! Very frustrating. I just froze up, as usual, smh. I guess I gotta keep trying...

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2 hours ago, green tea said:

Aaaaaah I'm such a chicken! I saw Ms Crush tonite, but couldn't get a single word out of my mouth! Very frustrating. I just froze up, as usual, smh. I guess I gotta keep trying...

Don't beat yourself up. Keep trying. 

One of my friends had this crush on a woman that identified as straight but also sent all kinds of mixed messages. My friend just couldn't get the words out on multiple ocassions after she decided she wanted to tell the crush that she had feelings for her. I think it took 3 tries to finally get something out. It was well received, but my friend ended up not knowing what the other women felt. It took a couple more slightly awkward conversations.  My friend never really got an answer. In her case the thing just not turn into something more intimate, abd eventually the friendship with the crush also ended.  

Edited by treelover123
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