Tellok

Ex troubles

7 posts in this topic

I made the mistake of dating my best guy friend who I used to have a crush on some years ago, despite this crush had long since worn off and we were in the friendzone, he was there for me after I had a difficult break up so I thought I'd give it a go with him when he asked me out.

Unfortunately after some months of dating it never felt like more than friends with benefits. I had no romantic feels for him,the sex was always awkward and neither one of us declared our love for each other so it seemed best to end it there.

I asked if we could step back to just being friends, at the time he agreed, I gave him some space. But now he wants us to try and get back together and I don't have any desire for a man in my life at this point in time. . .Especially since I've moved on and quite possibly have the woman of my dreams in sight.

Any advice on how to break this to him (not sure that I'm ready to be out of the closet to him just yet, I don't want it to sound like an excuse even if it is a valid reason) that I'm not interested in re-starting a relationship with him?

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Just tell him that, that you are not interested in being in a romantic relationship with him. You tried but it didn't feel right as you were friends for so long before. If he is a good friend he will understand and if he doesn't then being honest about your attraction to women might be the only way to make him realise that you can only ever be friends.

I hope you can make him understand and still be friends.

Good luck

Edited by shazza21
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Thanks shazza21, I'll try say it simply. Mainly worried I'll start overtalking and not be 100% clear

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You'll be fine. Just remember to breathe and take things slowly. He probably already realises that it wont work a second time if it didn't the first time

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Just tell him you're not interested. You owe him nothing romantically and he'll have to accept it - he can't force you to want to be with him.

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Just be honest with him - tell him you gave it a go, and realised that there wasn't a romantic spark there.

I think sometimes we can be a little too over-cautious about "letting them down gently" to the point where we're ambiguous about it as not to hurt someone's feelings. This is especially the case for women towards men, as we're pretty much conditioned into it socially. 

However, feelings get hurt, and this is life. You can be respectful and gentle, whilst still being quite clear and firm about the fact that you don't see a romantic future for the two of you. For example if you said to him "I don't want a man in my life at this time" it leaves the door open - 'well what about a later time?' -  when really what you mean is "I don't want you in a romantic sense".  Close the door nicely, by all means, but to avoid this recurring you do need to let him know that it's definitely closed. 

Edited by ThatsNoMoon
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Excellent advice from @ThatsNoMoon. I have repeatedly gotten myself into trouble by softening my statements to spare someone's feelings. It does them a disservice because it gives an inaccurate impression, and it does me a disservice because it prolongs the time I need to expend on dealing with their emotional fallout.

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