Olive

If I tell my husband he'll want a threesome

45 posts in this topic

I would love to open up to my husband about my bisexuality. He would be thrilled and would immediately start pressing me for a threesome. Here's the thing...I don't want a threesome. I want the opportunity to explore my sexuality with a woman without a penis getting in the way ;). I'm worried my husband will see this as a rejection. But I don't want to be with a woman behind his back either. Sigh...

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I can relate. Freedom versus Control of your sexuality. I'm in a similar pickle. I've agreed to swing to please him but it's opened pandoras box for me. It feels canned and performed for me instead of freely exploring my sexuality. I now have several people to pretend with and to try to bring pleasure to. I can give you advice that I myself need to hear...... Your sexuality belongs only to you. Do with it as you choose. No one owns your body but you. Only you know your husband and how to handle him. Good Luck. 

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Be honest with him.  Being with a woman alone is SUCH a different experience than a threesome.  If you cave to HIS desires, it then becomes about him, and you start to resent him.  And as @unknown said, you start to feel like you have to perform sometimes.  Plus, you don't want to risk him feeling left out, and it's always on the back of your mind, even if for a moment it's just you and her while he sits back.

I was married to a man who said ok to me being with a woman if we dated her together.  He ended up REFUSING to let us be alone together, which was all I really wanted.  It made it REALLY hard.  The whole thing ended up really complicated and high drama.  My marriage ended a year after we split with her, for other reasons.  She and I ended up reconnecting later, and let's just say we had some "unfinished business."  I'm glad we did, even though we're not together anymore.  I wish it was a freedom my ex could have allowed me, but he has a tendency to make EVERYTHING about him, including this.

Now that I am free, I exclusively date women (well, one woman), and it's MUCH better for me.

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I can totally relate @unknown. I already feel like I'm performing for my husband when the whole time I'm thinking about being with a woman. I wouldn't mind a compromise - the occasional threesome to satisfy his needs, with enough time alone with a woman to satisfy mine.

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41 minutes ago, Olive said:

I can totally relate @unknown. I already feel like I'm performing for my husband when the whole time I'm thinking about being with a woman. I wouldn't mind a compromise - the occasional threesome to satisfy his needs, with enough time alone with a woman to satisfy mine.

Have you told him that?

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That's just the thing - sex with a woman is not about a man's penis...NOT AT ALL...and it will be a qualitatively totally different experience if a male is present, whether he is physically participating or not (bearing in mind that watching is also a form of participation). If that isn't what you want, then DON'T DO IT! 

On 2/2/2018 at 9:31 PM, Olive said:

I wouldn't mind a compromise - the occasional threesome to satisfy his needs, with enough time alone with a woman to satisfy mine.

Are you saying that if you see a woman, your husband would then NEED to have threesome? If so, why would that be?

Beware of sexual compromises - they tend not to go well in the long run. 

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3 minutes ago, BenedettaC said:

That's just the thing - sex with a woman is not about a man's penis...NOT AT ALL...and it will be a qualitatively totally different experience if a male is present, whether he is physically participating or not (bearing in mind that watching is also a form of participation). If that isn't what you want, then DON'T DO IT! 

Are you saying that if you see a woman, your husband would then NEED to have threesome? If so, why would that be?

Beware of sexual compromises - they tend not to go well in the long run. 

Fully agree with what @BenedettaC says... but you have to do what you feel is right but you shouldn't feel pressured into a threesome either .. personally it's not for me, been there many moons ago and it just causes major issues at some point .. but that's in my personal opinion ... hope you figure things out x 

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@shazza21 I have not told him that. I still trying to figure out if that is what I want. Maybe the compromise is that I can date women outside of the marriage and so can he. Ugh...this is getting complicated.

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10 hours ago, Olive said:

@shazza21 I have not told him that. I still trying to figure out if that is what I want. Maybe the compromise is that I can date women outside of the marriage and so can he. Ugh...this is getting complicated.

Yep it can be. Be honest with yourself and what you need and then talk about it and keep talking. Only do what you are comfortable with. Compromises can lead to resentment if you are not happy with them

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On 2/5/2018 at 10:14 PM, Olive said:

@shazza21 I have not told him that. I still trying to figure out if that is what I want. Maybe the compromise is that I can date women outside of the marriage and so can he. Ugh...this is getting complicated.

Take your time and come to a decision that feels right for you. It doesn't sound like swinging is the solution - even for most people who are more open to it find the dynamic difficult to navigate.

Have you asked your husband about his thought process in deciding that your sexual revelation means openness and options for him too? I think an open relationship is often a good solution for many couples but communication needs to be at the forefront of that for there to be any hope. Don't be afraid to state what you want and need from him/your relationship vs. any relations you and him outside of that.

I often see women struggle most with saying what they want as though they owe their partner a choice in the matter, your sexuality is a fact - there's no choice in that. It's what you choose to do that's optional. Don't sell yourself short in the early stages hoping you can make changes later, it's better to tackle the tough stuff early on to give you both the best chance at happiness as indviduals and a couple!

Edited by Hungry
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I feel in a similar boat. I told my husband about my bisexuality and the fact i wanted to explore that. His automatic assumption was that we would ha e a threesome with a woman...or that i would be with her and he would watch. 

Now i dont actually mind the idea of a threesome to be honest...if i am really honest i think if i explored it more i would class myself as poly/bisexual...another story lol...but i would like to have some time to spend alone with a woman. Because like PPs have said i imagine it to be a completely different situation. And i kind ofnthink i didnt want someone in the first time i was with a man, why would it be different my first time with a woman?!

I would give the advice as per @Hungry @shazza21 @BenedettaC @Veronica @BiTriMama and @unknown have said. I didn't and now i have to figure out how to unpick and start again. If it helps...telling my husband did make me feel better...like i could make the start into being myself. Feel like ive rambled...for that i apologise.

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27 minutes ago, yorkshiregirl said:

I feel in a similar boat. I told my husband about my bisexuality and the fact i wanted to explore that. His automatic assumption was that we would ha e a threesome with a woman...or that i would be with her and he would watch. 

Now i dont actually mind the idea of a threesome to be honest...if i am really honest i think if i explored it more i would class myself as poly/bisexual...another story lol...but i would like to have some time to spend alone with a woman. Because like PPs have said i imagine it to be a completely different situation. And i kind ofnthink i didnt want someone in the first time i was with a man, why would it be different my first time with a woman?!

I would give the advice as per @Hungry @shazza21 @BenedettaC @Veronica @BiTriMama and @unknown have said. I didn't and now i have to figure out how to unpick and start again. If it helps...telling my husband did make me feel better...like i could make the start into being myself. Feel like ive rambled...for that i apologise.

Same here. Threesomes are one of my biggest fantasies, but I would want to get a chance to be one-on-one with both other participants beforehand, unless it was just a one night stand. For me it's less about whether you're poly or not as respecting the feelings of everybody involved.

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1 hour ago, ChemFem said:

Same here. Threesomes are one of my biggest fantasies, but I would want to get a chance to be one-on-one with both other participants beforehand, unless it was just a one night stand. For me it's less about whether you're poly or not as respecting the feelings of everybody involved.

I think I'm lucky my husband didnt have the same reaction as most men. He's not really intetested in a 3some, he was worried that I'd leave him for a woman

 Told him its not going to happen as I love him and want to annoy him till he's old lol

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1 hour ago, shazza21 said:

I think I'm lucky my husband didnt have the same reaction as most men. He's not really intetested in a 3some, he was worried that I'd leave him for a woman

 Told him its not going to happen as I love him and want to annoy him till he's old lol

My hubby was exactly the same. Went very quiet til I told him HE came first, HE was my true love, that my bi side wasn't instead of him but as well, but if he wasn't happy then I wouldn't persue it. 

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22 minutes ago, leigh11 said:

My hubby was exactly the same. Went very quiet til I told him HE came first, HE was my true love, that my bi side wasn't instead of him but as well, but if he wasn't happy then I wouldn't persue it. 

Have you pursued it? He knows I want too but we haven't really discussed it in detail. I'm not actively looking but if an opportunity comes along i wouldn't say no ;)

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That’s what happened to me! Told my husband and he couldn’t believe his luck! It’s a huge long story that probably needs its own blog lol but we did the threesome thing. I didn’t cope with it emotionally and it didn’t give me what I was looking for. I guess I felt like a performing seal! We’re almost 3 years down the line and things are good! The threesome turned into a foursome (her hubby joined too) but I’d love to have more “just girl” time!!! 

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I told my husband straight out- I don't share my woman/women. I'm a private person and for me it's an intimate, sensual time that really no man can understand. The thing is, the more I am with my husband, the less I want to be near a penis. I don't know what it is. I'm lately turned on only by women. 

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Teeny that’s exactly what I’ve tried to explain to my husband.. that it’s an intimate sensual thing that I want to do on my own but he doesn’t really get it!! I can’t work out if that’s just a guy thing or if it’s because he wants in on the action!! 

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On 19/02/2018 at 9:10 PM, shazza21 said:

Have you pursued it? He knows I want too but we haven't really discussed it in detail. I'm not actively looking but if an opportunity comes along i wouldn't say no ;)

Yes, and he's been totally fine. In fact he can't understand why some men feel threatened. As long as he knows I'm safe he's cool :)

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39 minutes ago, leigh11 said:

Yes, and he's been totally fine. In fact he can't understand why some men feel threatened. As long as he knows I'm safe he's cool :)

Lucky you. I haven't yet as I'm not sure he's completely comfortable yet. Maybe one day but the waiting is sometimes unbearable lol

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hope it happens soon x 

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13 minutes ago, leigh11 said:

hope it happens soon x 

I hope so too!! Can't seem to find a woman who wants to play tho :(

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On 2/1/2018 at 7:14 AM, BiTriMama said:

Be honest with him.  Being with a woman alone is SUCH a different experience than a threesome.  If you cave to HIS desires, it then becomes about him, and you start to resent him.  And as @unknown said, you start to feel like you have to perform sometimes.  Plus, you don't want to risk him feeling left out, and it's always on the back of your mind, even if for a moment it's just you and her while he sits back.

I was married to a man who said ok to me being with a woman if we dated her together.  He ended up REFUSING to let us be alone together, which was all I really wanted.  It made it REALLY hard.  The whole thing ended up really complicated and high drama.  My marriage ended a year after we split with her, for other reasons.  She and I ended up reconnecting later, and let's just say we had some "unfinished business."  I'm glad we did, even though we're not together anymore.  I wish it was a freedom my ex could have allowed me, but he has a tendency to make EVERYTHING about him, including this.

Now that I am free, I exclusively date women (well, one woman), and it's MUCH better for me.

Oh wow. I’m living the nightmare right now. Would love to chat sometime. I think I need to exit this relationship but I’m scared. He absolutely wants to watch me with others (especially men despite knowing I’m more attracted to women) but needs to micromanage every step to make sure I’m not getting emotionally intimate. After our most recent escapade I hate all penises, even if it was the best orgasim I’ve ever had. I’m messed up. I’d rather have an open marriage than participate in his directed and controlled swinger style. But he’s furious at the open suggestion.... we got issues for sure.... 

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5 hours ago, unknown said:

Oh wow. I’m living the nightmare right now. Would love to chat sometime. I think I need to exit this relationship but I’m scared. He absolutely wants to watch me with others (especially men despite knowing I’m more attracted to women) but needs to micromanage every step to make sure I’m not getting emotionally intimate. After our most recent escapade I hate all penises, even if it was the best orgasim I’ve ever had. I’m messed up. I’d rather have an open marriage than participate in his directed and controlled swinger style. But he’s furious at the open suggestion.... we got issues for sure.... 

You know you are safe to talk about it here @unknown 

He sounds similar to how my husband is, and it is onr of the reasons i have kust let thigs lie for a little while before bringing it up again with him. 

Have you tried to talk to him directly about it? 

There is also a topic on one of the boards to spot the signs of toxic relationships, i will try to find it x

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