Veronica

Can a bi woman ever be satisfied w/o her husband knowing?

9 posts in this topic

This is a spin-off of my other thread, and the post about statistics of marriages made me think about this. I'm wondering if anyone else is in a situation like this. 

 

I found out my good friend, who I'm attracted to, has a history of dating women before she married her husband. Long term relationships, so I don't really think it was an experimentation that you just get out of your system at a young age. Almost no one knows about that, and her husband even has no idea. I know this has been a topic on here with married women (whether to tell their hubby or not), so I asked her why, and she said she just thinks that's something better left unsaid and not that important. Her social circle are mostly lesbians, and she loves lesbian films/tv, so it seems to be a big part of her life still. I'm just here wondering how she can stay in this marriage for the rest of her life and be happy if she thinks sex with women is better. Has anyone gone through this? I'm going to talk to her more about this, but she said she needs to drink with me to open up more about this topic. Haha

Edited by Veronica
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It's never a good idea to hide something from your spouse but I can understand her reservation about approaching her husband on her feelings for women.  If her husband loves her deeply he may understand her desire to have sex with women.  He may also take her desire as an insult that he isn't "MAN" enough to satisfy her sexually.  Without knowing further details on her relationship with her husband and what type of man he is it might be best for her to keep things under wrap while being careful so he dosen't suspect or find our about her bi nature. 

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People marry for a myriad of reasons and for me sexuality is not the best reason. (I've been married too many times.) For some people, maybe for most people, they settle for what is most important to have in a marital partner and accept the rest. I would not push anyone to tell or do anything in their marriage that they are not already freely doing themselves. I don't think it is fair or realistic to expect any one person to be our everything. Your friend is in the marriage for her reasons AND staying true to herself by keeping her tribe close, remembering who she is. As a bi maybe she is getting the best of both worlds. Bravo for her!!! Finding balance is tricky. Maybe your friend is incredibly happy with her life exactly as it is. I would be happy for her. 

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59 minutes ago, unknown said:

People marry for a myriad of reasons and for me sexuality is not the best reason. (I've been married too many times.) For some people, maybe for most people, they settle for what is most important to have in a marital partner and accept the rest. I would not push anyone to tell or do anything in their marriage that they are not already freely doing themselves. I don't think it is fair or realistic to expect any one person to be our everything. Your friend is in the marriage for her reasons AND staying true to herself by keeping her tribe close, remembering who she is. As a bi maybe she is getting the best of both worlds. Bravo for her!!! Finding balance is tricky. Maybe your friend is incredibly happy with her life exactly as it is. I would be happy for her. 

She isn't the cheating type, so she isn't getting the best of both worlds. 

Of course I want her to be happy the way things are and want nothing else, I just can't understand being truly happy if you have an attraction to the other sex (I'm married and only started having attraction the last few years, so this is new to me. I'm getting a divorce, not related to my bi-curiously, but I would like to experience being sexual with a woman once when that happens). So I'm coming from a totally different place. 

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1 hour ago, J-Net said:

It's never a good idea to hide something from your spouse but I can understand her reservation about approaching her husband on her feelings for women.  If her husband loves her deeply he may understand her desire to have sex with women.  He may also take her desire as an insult that he isn't "MAN" enough to satisfy her sexually.  Without knowing further details on her relationship with her husband and what type of man he is it might be best for her to keep things under wrap while being careful so he dosen't suspect or find our about her bi nature. 

Yes, good points.

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18 minutes ago, Veronica said:

She isn't the cheating type, so she isn't getting the best of both worlds. 

Of course I want her to be happy the way things are and want nothing else, I just can't understand being truly happy if you have an attraction to the other sex (I'm married and only started having attraction the last few years, so this is new to me. I'm getting a divorce, not related to my bi-curiously, but I would like to experience being sexual with a woman once when that happens). So I'm coming from a totally different place. 

Not necessarily getting the best of both worlds sexually, so much as in the sense that she is maintaining her marriage while also getting community support from lesbian friends who can understand that side of her. At least that's what I interpreted @unknown to mean.

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Not everyone needs to have one person of each gender at the same time to feel fulfilled.  Many bisexual people are monogamous, and they fall for who they fall for, one at a time.  It's quite possible that she's completely satisfied as she is, and hanging out with her lesbian friends is how she expresses that part of her sexuality.  She wouldn't be the first.  It's very different when you realize later in life, while you're married, that you have an interest in women.  That seems to be an even bigger struggle for many women.

Did she say that sex with women is better?  Even still, she may not have had a relationship with a woman that she wanted to marry, regardless of how the sex is.  Sex is an important element of a relationship, but of course, there are other factors, too.

It's sad that she doesn't feel she can be open about her sexuality, especially to her husband, but that's her experience and her life.  Hopefully she's happy in it as she is.

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@Veronica I recommend this book. "Living two lives, married to a man in love with a woman" . It may help answer some of your questions and give you some insight into what your friend may be going through. The lady who wrote the book also has an active online forum for women in this situation. 

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16 hours ago, Grace82 said:

@Veronica I recommend this book. "Living two lives, married to a man in love with a woman" . It may help answer some of your questions and give you some insight into what your friend may be going through. The lady who wrote the book also has an active online forum for women in this situation. 

I'll check it out-- thanks so much 

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