Veronica

Can a bi woman ever be satisfied w/o her husband knowing?

13 posts in this topic

This is a spin-off of my other thread, and the post about statistics of marriages made me think about this. I'm wondering if anyone else is in a situation like this. 

 

I found out my good friend, who I'm attracted to, has a history of dating women before she married her husband. Long term relationships, so I don't really think it was an experimentation that you just get out of your system at a young age. Almost no one knows about that, and her husband even has no idea. I know this has been a topic on here with married women (whether to tell their hubby or not), so I asked her why, and she said she just thinks that's something better left unsaid and not that important. Her social circle are mostly lesbians, and she loves lesbian films/tv, so it seems to be a big part of her life still. I'm just here wondering how she can stay in this marriage for the rest of her life and be happy if she thinks sex with women is better. Has anyone gone through this? I'm going to talk to her more about this, but she said she needs to drink with me to open up more about this topic. Haha

Edited by Veronica
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It's never a good idea to hide something from your spouse but I can understand her reservation about approaching her husband on her feelings for women.  If her husband loves her deeply he may understand her desire to have sex with women.  He may also take her desire as an insult that he isn't "MAN" enough to satisfy her sexually.  Without knowing further details on her relationship with her husband and what type of man he is it might be best for her to keep things under wrap while being careful so he dosen't suspect or find our about her bi nature. 

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People marry for a myriad of reasons and for me sexuality is not the best reason. (I've been married too many times.) For some people, maybe for most people, they settle for what is most important to have in a marital partner and accept the rest. I would not push anyone to tell or do anything in their marriage that they are not already freely doing themselves. I don't think it is fair or realistic to expect any one person to be our everything. Your friend is in the marriage for her reasons AND staying true to herself by keeping her tribe close, remembering who she is. As a bi maybe she is getting the best of both worlds. Bravo for her!!! Finding balance is tricky. Maybe your friend is incredibly happy with her life exactly as it is. I would be happy for her. 

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59 minutes ago, unknown said:

People marry for a myriad of reasons and for me sexuality is not the best reason. (I've been married too many times.) For some people, maybe for most people, they settle for what is most important to have in a marital partner and accept the rest. I would not push anyone to tell or do anything in their marriage that they are not already freely doing themselves. I don't think it is fair or realistic to expect any one person to be our everything. Your friend is in the marriage for her reasons AND staying true to herself by keeping her tribe close, remembering who she is. As a bi maybe she is getting the best of both worlds. Bravo for her!!! Finding balance is tricky. Maybe your friend is incredibly happy with her life exactly as it is. I would be happy for her. 

She isn't the cheating type, so she isn't getting the best of both worlds. 

Of course I want her to be happy the way things are and want nothing else, I just can't understand being truly happy if you have an attraction to the other sex (I'm married and only started having attraction the last few years, so this is new to me. I'm getting a divorce, not related to my bi-curiously, but I would like to experience being sexual with a woman once when that happens). So I'm coming from a totally different place. 

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1 hour ago, J-Net said:

It's never a good idea to hide something from your spouse but I can understand her reservation about approaching her husband on her feelings for women.  If her husband loves her deeply he may understand her desire to have sex with women.  He may also take her desire as an insult that he isn't "MAN" enough to satisfy her sexually.  Without knowing further details on her relationship with her husband and what type of man he is it might be best for her to keep things under wrap while being careful so he dosen't suspect or find our about her bi nature. 

Yes, good points.

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18 minutes ago, Veronica said:

She isn't the cheating type, so she isn't getting the best of both worlds. 

Of course I want her to be happy the way things are and want nothing else, I just can't understand being truly happy if you have an attraction to the other sex (I'm married and only started having attraction the last few years, so this is new to me. I'm getting a divorce, not related to my bi-curiously, but I would like to experience being sexual with a woman once when that happens). So I'm coming from a totally different place. 

Not necessarily getting the best of both worlds sexually, so much as in the sense that she is maintaining her marriage while also getting community support from lesbian friends who can understand that side of her. At least that's what I interpreted @unknown to mean.

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Not everyone needs to have one person of each gender at the same time to feel fulfilled.  Many bisexual people are monogamous, and they fall for who they fall for, one at a time.  It's quite possible that she's completely satisfied as she is, and hanging out with her lesbian friends is how she expresses that part of her sexuality.  She wouldn't be the first.  It's very different when you realize later in life, while you're married, that you have an interest in women.  That seems to be an even bigger struggle for many women.

Did she say that sex with women is better?  Even still, she may not have had a relationship with a woman that she wanted to marry, regardless of how the sex is.  Sex is an important element of a relationship, but of course, there are other factors, too.

It's sad that she doesn't feel she can be open about her sexuality, especially to her husband, but that's her experience and her life.  Hopefully she's happy in it as she is.

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@Veronica I recommend this book. "Living two lives, married to a man in love with a woman" . It may help answer some of your questions and give you some insight into what your friend may be going through. The lady who wrote the book also has an active online forum for women in this situation. 

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16 hours ago, Grace82 said:

@Veronica I recommend this book. "Living two lives, married to a man in love with a woman" . It may help answer some of your questions and give you some insight into what your friend may be going through. The lady who wrote the book also has an active online forum for women in this situation. 

I'll check it out-- thanks so much 

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On 2/1/2018 at 7:03 AM, BiTriMama said:

Not everyone needs to have one person of each gender at the same time to feel fulfilled.  Many bisexual people are monogamous, and they fall for who they fall for, one at a time. 

As I read the original post and the follow on responses, I was forming the thought that @BiTriMama expresses so succinctly and well.  There seems to be an ongoing theme at shys that being bi = polyamory.  I'm comforted to see that I might not be the only one questioning that.  I'm sure that straight women are attracted to more than one man, but remain monogamously married to one.  I'm thinking that I might not be the only bi woman that "falls for who I fall for, one at a time."

One other question / observation:  did you friend specifically tell you that she considered sex with women to be better, or did you infer it.  There's little doubt that sex with women is different than sex with men, but can you automatically conclude that it's better?

Ame

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I will admit here that in fact I cheated on my husband with another woman while still married. (I no longer am) I said in my introductory post that my being bi wasn't a factor in the ending of my marriage, and that's the truth. The marriage didn't end because I cheated (he never knew). I cheated when the marriage was more or less of a sham and beyond repair. I don't regret it, I don't apologize for it, and I'd do it again. I'm not going to tell you that it's OK to cheat. I'm saying that I had a relationship that taught me something about myself...no, that's wrong. It showed me something I'd thought for a while.  I chose to be authentic and true to myself. Which meant, in this case, having an affair. (God, I sound like a whore.) For the record, we didn't  have any children, so there were not children seeing their secure loving home life evaporate. I don't know what I would have done if we'd had children, but that wasn't a factor.

So to answer the question, can you be happy in the marriage if your husband doesn't know, and you never act on your feelings towards other women? The answer is maybe, maybe not, because I don't know what's really important you. If you are happy in the marriage, then maybe you can continue to be happy without acting on these particular feelings. Maybe you want to go there, but you're afraid. That's a perfectly good answer. Maybe you're willing to risk an affair. Maybe you're willing to tell him because you don't want to keep this secret, and you feel that you have to be honest.

Maybe a better question is "Will you be HAPPIER acting on your feelings.?" That's going to take a lot of soul searching to answer that question, and I can't answer it for you.

EDIT: Old Spanish Proverb: "Take what thou want and pay for it sayeth God

Edited by Sithandra
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11 hours ago, Sithandra said:

EDIT: Old Spanish Proverb: "Take what thou want and pay for it sayeth God

Exactly!  And be attentive to getting value for payment ...

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Of course it is possible for a woman to prefer sex with other women, while still being married to a man; I'm an example of it! lol My husband has known of my sexuality since we started dating, has always been supportive and encouraging of me pursuing and fulfilling my sexuality. I've preferred sex with women to men pretty much from the start (not that I don't like sex with men, just prefer women). I prefer men for relationships, general romantic attachment, but women more for sex and have embraced 'policy' (for lack of a better word) for the roughly 19 years of my marriage. :) 

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