I was in over my head

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I have to get this out so maybe i'll feel better and Maybe some advice from you can help. Its long I'm sorry.

Bottom line, I work with my ex fling and she is now developing a new fling with another girl in the same department. It hurts. I have always been attracted to other women and was too afraid to act. I liked this girl and i'm older so I thought i would let life happen. Let this be my first. I was so wrong. I am not a fling type I KNOW THIS! Im a book nerd good girl. But i so liked her and wanted her so bad. In her defense I was told by her to not fall in love with her (thinking back the audacity right?) She was hurt so badly last time she is determined not to fall again she said. She told me so much about her and we hung out at her place all the time even met her sister and her dad. Of course it was amazing, we would sneak affection to each other in public and just chill. So of course I caught  some feelings.

Problem. Now I see it happening all over again with someone else every single day and I can't get away from it. I can't just quit or transfer. I'm not sure the new girl knows about me but I suspect yes. The new girl can't even really look me in the eyes like she use to. I use to chill with my ex and her sister but they exclude me now and have made their own little group with the new girl. I think her sister knows and feels and tries to placate me.

Next problem. I try to have as little contact with her but every time I see my ex walk to her or sit with the new girl or when they laugh together and share secrets I want to cry. I usually have to get out and take a break but they will still be there. I think one part of me hurts because the new person is exactly the type my ex was always attracted to and have more in common so i feel like a fool, that i was just a throw away. Then I think about all the times my ex never gave me a compliment and can't help but not feel attractive. We started out cuddling a couple times (She hadn't been with anyone in a while and just wanted to cuddle) But she started to say things like she was drunk and I liked taking advantage of her which looking back makes me feel horrible. She said it in a joking manner but thinking back My ex had to be drunk to fool around with me. We never went places together and she never showed me off like the new possession. Most of all she's never drinks like she did with me and if I drank too much she didnt want me to stay over. We finally had sex or as she made it clear "fucking." It was ok at first i used to toy on her then i have no idea what she did to me. There was a bit of rubbing and she passed out after telling me she didn't think I liked women. I'm stuck in her bed after my first time and though confused and unsatisfied it was still my experience to have so for her to say that after making her o numerous times I felt ashamed and stupid. Im still confused about it and wish it never happened but life. Anyways my ex just got super awkward and stopped really talking to me which made me believe I did something wrong and still don't know if I did. She said it wasnt going to happen again which was again crushing as though i wasnt good or did somethng wrong. Of course the entire time she had to remind me she was drunk.

I know there is nothing I can do about it and I just have to take it hoping it will make me stronger one day. It just sucks and Im scared to even go for it again with a women. I know gender doesnt matter to me and im angry she tried to take that choice away from me. I understand why guys say women are confusing because she was. I also don't know if I should talk to my ex about it as we didn't talk about anything we just stopped being together. We dont talk at work but it hurts. Shes so ready to do whatever the new girl wants i cant help but feel inadequate and i have never felt that way before.

The last tidbit I'll leave is that the new object of her affection and I sometimes hang in the same group. I'm not mad at her and I thought we could still hang but now she's with my ex all the time so my ex is always there too. I know I have to avoid them but that means avoiding the group and I like them. It doesn't seem fair. Since we all hang out together ive heard them and the whole group hangs out without me. It was my group of friends and she came in and it seems I'm the one that comes up short.


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