Melvie

I was in over my head

5 posts in this topic

I have to get this out so maybe i'll feel better and Maybe some advice from you can help. Its long I'm sorry.

Bottom line, I work with my ex fling and she is now developing a new fling with another girl in the same department. It hurts. I have always been attracted to other women and was too afraid to act. I liked this girl and i'm older so I thought i would let life happen. Let this be my first. I was so wrong. I am not a fling type I KNOW THIS! Im a book nerd good girl. But i so liked her and wanted her so bad. In her defense I was told by her to not fall in love with her (thinking back the audacity right?) She was hurt so badly last time she is determined not to fall again she said. She told me so much about her and we hung out at her place all the time even met her sister and her dad. Of course it was amazing, we would sneak affection to each other in public and just chill. So of course I caught  some feelings.

Problem. Now I see it happening all over again with someone else every single day and I can't get away from it. I can't just quit or transfer. I'm not sure the new girl knows about me but I suspect yes. The new girl can't even really look me in the eyes like she use to. I use to chill with my ex and her sister but they exclude me now and have made their own little group with the new girl. I think her sister knows and feels and tries to placate me.

Next problem. I try to have as little contact with her but every time I see my ex walk to her or sit with the new girl or when they laugh together and share secrets I want to cry. I usually have to get out and take a break but they will still be there. I think one part of me hurts because the new person is exactly the type my ex was always attracted to and have more in common so i feel like a fool, that i was just a throw away. Then I think about all the times my ex never gave me a compliment and can't help but not feel attractive. We started out cuddling a couple times (She hadn't been with anyone in a while and just wanted to cuddle) But she started to say things like she was drunk and I liked taking advantage of her which looking back makes me feel horrible. She said it in a joking manner but thinking back My ex had to be drunk to fool around with me. We never went places together and she never showed me off like the new possession. Most of all she's never drinks like she did with me and if I drank too much she didnt want me to stay over. We finally had sex or as she made it clear "fucking." It was ok at first i used to toy on her then i have no idea what she did to me. There was a bit of rubbing and she passed out after telling me she didn't think I liked women. I'm stuck in her bed after my first time and though confused and unsatisfied it was still my experience to have so for her to say that after making her o numerous times I felt ashamed and stupid. Im still confused about it and wish it never happened but life. Anyways my ex just got super awkward and stopped really talking to me which made me believe I did something wrong and still don't know if I did. She said it wasnt going to happen again which was again crushing as though i wasnt good or did somethng wrong. Of course the entire time she had to remind me she was drunk.

I know there is nothing I can do about it and I just have to take it hoping it will make me stronger one day. It just sucks and Im scared to even go for it again with a women. I know gender doesnt matter to me and im angry she tried to take that choice away from me. I understand why guys say women are confusing because she was. I also don't know if I should talk to my ex about it as we didn't talk about anything we just stopped being together. We dont talk at work but it hurts. Shes so ready to do whatever the new girl wants i cant help but feel inadequate and i have never felt that way before.

The last tidbit I'll leave is that the new object of her affection and I sometimes hang in the same group. I'm not mad at her and I thought we could still hang but now she's with my ex all the time so my ex is always there too. I know I have to avoid them but that means avoiding the group and I like them. It doesn't seem fair. Since we all hang out together ive heard them and the whole group hangs out without me. It was my group of friends and she came in and it seems I'm the one that comes up short.

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Hey, just read your story.. I am so sorry that happened to you, I think how She treated you is pretty shitty and now you have to deal with her and the new girl. Not a fun situation.....

Is there any way you can change departments where you work? I know it doesn't seem fair especially with your group, but I think what is more important is your sanity & feelings. I hope it gets better for you. Hugs 

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I'm sorry you're going through all this, and that she's treating you the way she is (and has).  Definitely not fair to you.  She sounds like she doesn't have a lot of respect for other people, in general.  I wonder who else at work she's done this to...

It totally hurts when someone you were with rubs your nose in their new romance, and it often feels like that other person is getting everything from them that you never did.  But really, you don't know what's happening in private. Maybe it's good, maybe it's not.  But you may have to try to block it out as best you can (which I know is easier said than done), just put your head down, maybe take some headphones to work, and do your thing.  Or strike up a conversation with someone else to distract yourself.

Do you ever speak to the woman she's with?  It sounds like you are smart enough not to hold anything against her.  It might be good to try to clear the air with her some, and at least get back to a more amicable place.  Don't speak badly of your ex.  That only reflects poorly on you.

As for the group of friends, again, don't speak poorly of your ex.  You may have to fake it til you make it on this one.  Don't risk losing your friends over this.  Do any of these friends know you dated this woman?  I wouldn't make a big thing of it, but if it comes up in conversation, don't be afraid to make it public knowledge.  You can be honest that you're struggling a bit with being around her, but you really like the group, and they are worth that.  They might also empathize with your struggle a bit with that.

Don't let her represent all women.  Right now, you're hurt, and it's definitely NOT the time to go pursue something new.  Give yourself the time and space to heal from this.  It'll get better.  And then one day, you'll realize you've gone a few days without even a passing thought of her.  The right woman won't treat you like you're disposable.  You are worth more than this.  And now, at least you know you're not someone who does the "casual" thing well.  So go for what you REALLY want.

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Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot of advice or experience to share, but I can tell you I know what it’s like to have someone else make you feel inadequate.  Don’t let her have that control over you. The fact that you are a loving, caring, sensitive person, makes you a beautiful human being.

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On 2/28/2018 at 10:25 PM, BiTriMama said:

I'm sorry you're going through all this, and that she's treating you the way she is (and has).  Definitely not fair to you.  She sounds like she doesn't have a lot of respect for other people, in general.  I wonder who else at work she's done this to...

It totally hurts when someone you were with rubs your nose in their new romance, and it often feels like that other person is getting everything from them that you never did.  But really, you don't know what's happening in private. Maybe it's good, maybe it's not.  But you may have to try to block it out as best you can (which I know is easier said than done), just put your head down, maybe take some headphones to work, and do your thing.  Or strike up a conversation with someone else to distract yourself.

Do you ever speak to the woman she's with?  It sounds like you are smart enough not to hold anything against her.  It might be good to try to clear the air with her some, and at least get back to a more amicable place.  Don't speak badly of your ex.  That only reflects poorly on you.

As for the group of friends, again, don't speak poorly of your ex.  You may have to fake it til you make it on this one.  Don't risk losing your friends over this.  Do any of these friends know you dated this woman?  I wouldn't make a big thing of it, but if it comes up in conversation, don't be afraid to make it public knowledge.  You can be honest that you're struggling a bit with being around her, but you really like the group, and they are worth that.  They might also empathize with your struggle a bit with that.

Don't let her represent all women.  Right now, you're hurt, and it's definitely NOT the time to go pursue something new.  Give yourself the time and space to heal from this.  It'll get better.  And then one day, you'll realize you've gone a few days without even a passing thought of her.  The right woman won't treat you like you're disposable.  You are worth more than this.  And now, at least you know you're not someone who does the "casual" thing well.  So go for what you REALLY want.

Yes to all of this! This was amazing...and I have done everything especially with headphones and finding someone else to distract me. He' a nice guy and he knows what happened and respects that and tries to get me out and doing things so it helps.

I do still speak to the new girl sometimes i geniunely like her as a person and it' not her fault though I don't want to be around her a lot.

The group has pretty much broken up since my ex came in the picture.

Most importantly I did get the opportunity to move departments so I think it' going to be better and I think I'm getting over her day by day not seeing her everyday will help. Thanks so much for the post. Truly, it' nice to get encouragement from others.

Still undecided if I wanna talk to her as we are pretty good at just coexisting right now. 

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