FlaGrl08

"Friend" intentionally leaving me out

5 posts in this topic

I have an issue I've struggled with for quite awhile.  My feelings have been so hurt so many times, and I feel ashamed over how sensitive I am about this issue.  But...my feelings are my feelings and I can't really help them.  I am hoping my wise Shybi friends can offer some advice.

I've had a sporadic sexual relationship with a close friend.  She and I have gone through phases where we talk more and talk less, but we always end up back as close as ever.  I'll call her "Bestie".  

There is a girl who both of us know.   I'm going to call her "Killjoy".  I have felt so many times like she is in competition with me for Bestie's attention and friendship.  I wouldn't be surprised to find out she is attracted to Bestie, but I have no proof of that.  She contacts Bestie to make plans, without including me.  

When we do something as a group, it's clear to me that she tries to maneuver things so I'm the odd man out.  Example:  All 3 of us were invited to a mutual friend's party.  Bestie and I had talked about going together for a couple of weeks.  2 days before the party, Killjoy texts us to ask if we were going.  I should add that Killjoy doesn't like this mutual friend, which is why we never mentioned that we were going to the party to Killjoy.  We said that we were and she said she wanted to go.  Killjoy then makes arrangements to go to Bestie's house before the party, under the guise that she would be nearby anyway and Killjoy figured she could just get ready there.  Of course, Bestie agreed (what was she gonna say to someone basically inviting themself to her house?).  On the day of the party, I didn't hear anything from either of them about whether we were riding together, meeting there, etc.  Finally, I texted both of them and offered to pick them up and drive to the party.  Killjoy never responded to the thread.  Bestie did respond and agreed.  When I got to Bestie's house, Bestie got in my car.  I was super-cheerful (even though I was fuming inside), and I could tell there was some kind of odd tension.  Killjoy abruptly announced that she would drive her car to the party.  Bestie rode with me.  Killjoy didn't stay long at the party, was mopey and boring, and left early.  Bestie and I danced and laughed and had a great time.  

That is just one example, but all the other examples have similar themes of Killjoy's constant maneuvering to push me aside and establish herself as Bestie's bestie.  I realize how silly and petty that sentence sounds, but I'm confident my instincts about Killjoy's intentions are dead-on.  

I should also add that Killjoy very subtly puts me down in front of Bestie.  She does it under the guise of teasing me, but it's hurtful.  

I avoid Killjoy as much as possible. I'm not sure how much Bestie realizes how Killjoy behaves and that she's trying to place a divide between me and Bestie.  I'm sure she sees some of it, but since Killjoy lavishes all kinds of attention on Bestie, I'm sure she's somewhat blinded to what Killjoy is doing to me.  

As I see it, there are 2 possibilities for how to handle this:

1.  I can bring it up to Bestie.  Pro:  she will know exactly how I feel and might let Killjoy know that she's not down with leaving me out.  Con:  It sounds petty and high school-ish to complain about being left out.

2.  I can say nothing and let things run their course with Bestie and Killjoy.  Killjoy is a loner.  Historically, she has burned bridges with her friends and family for most of her life.  She's negative and judgmental.  Bestie isn't like that, at all.  I think if I stand back, Killjoy will eventually alienate Bestie, too.  Or Bestie will get tired of Killjoy's negativity.  Pro:  I don't have to have a confrontation with anyone and Killjoy will sabotage her own friendship with Bestie.  Con:  I'll have a lot of hurt feelings for awhile while I get left out.  

Just to make one thing clear:  I am confident Killjoy knows nothing of my sexual relationship with Bestie.  I'm sure she senses our closeness, though.  

Advice would be appreciated.

Edited by FlaGrl08
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I suggest a combination of the two approaches. Let Bestie know that Killjoy's actions are alienating you, but don't push Bestie to behave differently based on that. As long as you phrase it in terms of I statements it shouldn't come across as petty. Either Killjoy will persist in playing games and alienate Bestie, or mature and be able to interact reasonably with both of you. This situation spunds obnoxious in the short term, but long term I think you'll be fine.

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16 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

I suggest a combination of the two approaches. Let Bestie know that Killjoy's actions are alienating you, but don't push Bestie to behave differently based on that. As long as you phrase it in terms of I statements it shouldn't come across as petty. Either Killjoy will persist in playing games and alienate Bestie, or mature and be able to interact reasonably with both of you. This situation spunds obnoxious in the short term, but long term I think you'll be fine.

It's very obnoxious.  I have had one conversation with Bestie, about a year ago, about Killjoy and her behavior.  Bestie acknowledged that Killjoy could be grumpy, and suggested Killjoy was jealous of our friendship.  I think Bestie is superficially aware of it, but I doubt she sees even half of it.  

Jealousy and hurt feelings are very hard to admit.  I don't want Bestie to feel like she can't have other friends without me getting jealous, and I'm afraid that's exactly what she will think if I voice my feelings.

 

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If you don't say something. The option there is don't let it affect how you behave normally/socially. She'll keep trying to push you out, but Bestie wants you around/you wanna be around. Accept the sour parts for the greater good and get comfortable with it.

Or mention to Bestie that it really bugs you - maybe you're being insecure or maybe Killjoy is being actively negative to you - like you said Bestie only probably sees a bit of it. This option gives you a chance to ask Bestie if you're overreacting. A good friend can always see a situation/your feelings clearly if you ask them to think on it. Asking her opinion rather than going from a place of I feel etc it's not gonna seem jealous. What she says will help you work out how you feel and if nothing else confirm your friendship which is the important thing. 

I've met a few Killjoy's, they'll claw at someone else spot, but often in a few years they move onto another Bestie. She's not a threat and you shouldn't give her credit by allowing to make you feel insecure - talk to Bestie, if you sit on it your feelings will only bubble over at her or Killjoy at some point and that'll look and feel worse!

Let us know how it goes!

Edited by Hungry
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4 hours ago, Hungry said:

If you don't say something. The option there is don't let it affect how you behave normally/socially. She'll keep trying to push you out, but Bestie wants you around/you wanna be around. Accept the sour parts for the greater good and get comfortable with it.

Or mention to Bestie that it really bugs you - maybe you're being insecure or maybeKilljoy is being actively negative to you - like you said Bestie only probably sees a bit of it. This option gives you a chance to ask Bestie if you're overreacting. A good friend can always see a situation/your feelings clearly if you ask them to think on it. Asking her opinion rather than going from a place of I feel etc it's not gonna seem jealous.  What she says will help you work out how you feel and if nothing else confirm your friendship which is the important thing. 

I've met a few Killjoy's, they'll claw at someone else spot, but often in a few years they move onto another Bestie. She's not a threat and you shouldn't give her credit by allowing to make you feel insecure - talk to Bestie, if you sit on it your feelings will only bubble over at her or Killjoy at some point and that'll look and feel worse!

Let us know how it goes!

Lots of good points, here.  I totally agree about acting normally and it will all run its course.  Killjoy has a habit of sabotaging her relationships.  In fact, when planning Bestie's bday get together, I realized that all of the people I'd invited were people Killjoy didn't get along with, or had some previous falling-out with.  I felt bad that Bestie didn't invite one particular girl because she knew Killjoy wouldn't be happy.  I truly think Killjoy will eventually be mad at Bestie over something and the situation will take care of itself.  I will just have to suffer in silence and continue to behave as I always have until then.

I really like your suggestion about asking Bestie's opinion rather than dumping my hurt feelings on her.  I'm sure I'll get an opening in a conversation with her, soon, to say something.  I can even say it jokingly, "Am I imagining it, or does it seem Killjoy is jealous of how close you and I are?"  I agree that talking about it (if presented correctly) will confirm my friendship with Bestie.

I still feel very immature that my feelings are hurt by all of this.  You'd think all this "feeling left out" stuff would end after high school, but it doesn't.  

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