Wifeandmother

I don't want people to know.

39 posts in this topic

So,

I'm bi-curious. My husband said he is fine with me exploring this side of me  and we've talked about it a lot. I signed up online, with his ok, and started chatting to girls. I kept my photo out of it and used a fake name as I live in a small town. Chatted to a cute girl and explained the situation, she's cool with being "friends". Look her up on facebook, and we have a bunch of mutual friends in common, including a very loudmouthed close friend of mine who can't help but spread gossip like wildfire :(

Sigh, I want to go through with this and explore this side of myself, but I hate that everyone in my social cirlces has to know about it :blush:

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First, welcome to the site!  At least here you get a bit more anonymity!  If you haven't already, be sure to check out How Our Forum Works to see the site rules and other helpful posts.

Even in larger areas, it's easy to end up coming across women who run in close circles.  I live near San Francisco, and it's hard to find a lesbian who hasn't already dated/slept with a friend somewhere along the way!  I got SO lucky that my girlfriend moved here from another area!  We basically have no connection other than to each other.  Around here, it's hard to keep anything a secret.  I come from a small town myself, so I get where you're coming from!

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hugs!  everything is so complicated.  why can we go back to land lines and VCRs?  

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I get the small town thing, I really do. I doubt I could meet ANYONE who doesn’t have at least a few friends in common. How does she feel about anonymity? Is keeping things secret as important to her, or is she a little more (or all the way) ‘out’?

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I understand this 100%. I am a wife and mother, and I do not want anyone to know. I have tried to keep these feelings inside and hidden for many years now, but lately I just can not. So like I always do I came out and told my husband about how I feel and what I think when we were not at our best. I don’t know why I always do that but it’s me. How did everyone here finger the guts enough to admit to themselves and their spouses and then find this site that they at least thought about being with another women? I feel so alone, and am very confused.

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53 minutes ago, JustaMom said:

I understand this 100%. I am a wife and mother, and I do not want anyone to know. I have tried to keep these feelings inside and hidden for many years now, but lately I just can not. So like I always do I came out and told my husband about how I feel and what I think when we were not at our best. I don’t know why I always do that but it’s me. How did everyone here finger the guts enough to admit to themselves and their spouses and then find this site that they at least thought about being with another women? I feel so alone, and am very confused.

You are not alone.  Everyone of us has been or is going down a road of self discovery.  I was married for 20 years and never told my husband.  Tried once but he didn't want to hear it.  Most of my relationships have been with women who are married.  Some of their husbands new and some didn't.  I think mainly you have to decide where your comfort level of outness is, and go from there.

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@JustaMom I seriously could have write what you did.  As just told my hubby about 10 months ago.  Realized myself about a year ago.  How you hubby take it?  Mine wants to be supportive and understand but he can't and struggles.  He does have OCD which prob doesn't help.  He assumes now that I like women this way he has to be worried about men n women.  I told him he needs to trust me regardless (as he won't let me experiment for sure if we together).  Gonna try marriage counselling.  Hopefully that will help.

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My husband knows but he would never let me be with someone else  for those that do does that mean he can too?? I feel alone with this too x

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22 minutes ago, redstar said:

My husband knows but he would never let me be with someone else  for those that do does that mean he can too?? I feel alone with this too x

The "deal" so to speak is different for every couple. On the one hand it can seem unfair to have very different rules. On the other different people have different sexual, physical and romantic needs: it might be he gets all he needs from one person and sees no need for more even if you were spending time with other lovers.

Some people have what can be called "gender monogamy" where eg a woman will have sex with her husband but no other men, but at the same time may have various things going on with women. For me that feels like buying into a deal that is sexist & biphobic, but other people feel differently and that's for them. It's about what works for you and your other partner(s), in the end, and there might be messy compromises along the way.

However if up til now your relationship has been monogamous and you want to renegotiate things so that you are no longer like that, I'd say it's reasonable for him to similarly question whether he should be monogamous in future.

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Gosh it all sounds so messy I wonder how many people don’t tell their partner and cheat?

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On 2/13/2018 at 11:06 PM, redstar said:

Gosh it all sounds so messy I wonder how many people don’t tell their partner and cheat?

my husband doesn't know.It depends how you view and deal with things.I am ok with him not knowing.Might be cheating from a moral view and for some i might sound cold or cruel or something but it's something i need to do for myself for once and not think of others needs as i do all my life.

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On 2/13/2018 at 9:06 PM, redstar said:

Gosh it all sounds so messy I wonder how many people don’t tell their partner and cheat?

I think if i had the oppourtunity to i would...mainly just for me as @kairi said. 

Saying that i dont know how i would even start lol!

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19 hours ago, yorkshiregirl said:

I think if i had the oppourtunity to i would...mainly just for me as @kairi said. 

Saying that i dont know how i would even start lol!

I would volunteer but I don't live in your country unfortunately :P

Volunteer to help you start I meant :angel:

Edited by kairi
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Well if youre ever in the general uk area i think i could use all the help i can get lol!

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1 minute ago, yorkshiregirl said:

Well if youre ever in the general uk area i think i could use all the help i can get lol!

I might be soon :angel::wink:

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5 minutes ago, kairi said:

I might be soon :angel::wink:

Well, if you're around message me :rolleyes: it would be nice to meet up...it'd be nice to meet one of you lovely ladies x

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22 minutes ago, yorkshiregirl said:

Well, if you're around message me :rolleyes: it would be nice to meet up...it'd be nice to meet one of you lovely ladies x

Can I join you? Love Yorkshire ;)

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1 minute ago, shazza21 said:

Can I join you? Love Yorkshire ;)

By all means :) it is a lovely part of the world! 

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7 minutes ago, yorkshiregirl said:

By all means :) it is a lovely part of the world! 

Yes it is. I try to get up once a year to watch Leeds ⚽⚽

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13 minutes ago, shazza21 said:

Yes it is. I try to get up once a year to watch Leeds ⚽⚽

Well leeds is very close to where i am lol...so close our football teams are rivals ;)

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5 minutes ago, yorkshiregirl said:

Well leeds is very close to where i am lol...so close our football teams are rivals ;)

So which rivals are you? Red and white? 

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Blue and white...:rolleyes:

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4 hours ago, yorkshiregirl said:

Blue and white...:rolleyes:

I prefer yellow lol 

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18 minutes ago, redstar said:

Party in Yorkshire then it is!! 

Sounds good to me ;)

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