JetSet

Workplace crush. Need advice

14 posts in this topic

So, I've got this massive crush on one of my female work colleagues and it's driving me a bit around the bend as I am shit at decoding where she's at or even if she's interested. I have no idea what her orientation is. It's never been discussed. We've been working at the same place for about three years but it's only the last year and a half that we've been working together and only the last six months very closely due to what we work with. I've been bi-curious for a long time and I am not very experienced in this at all, as I've mainly dated men.

And up until very recently I've never thought og this woman in any other way as a colleague and I noticed she always said hello to me as she was nearby, even if I didn't see her. Then about a month ago she asked me to helper with the new printer set up and we did that over her phone, and as if in a movie our fingers touched and it was like lightening. I know is sounds awfully cliche but it was just something about that touch. Afterwards, all I could think of was that touch and the crush just grew I guess. And it's still growing.

Since then I've spent more time with her as requirements of our jobs and it's become treasured time. Then this week we've been spending even more time together due to work and it's just her and me in her office. There I am sitting there smiling like an idiot, with a schoolgirl kinda crush, even though the topic is quite serious. I have to keep myself from just smiling from looking at her. And what I am curious about is if she's in any way interested in me like I am interested in her? I know I am usually quite closed off and I have a big fat armour on, not letting anyone get to close. But with her I've been lowering it a bit and seing if she gives me anything. But I am very bad at signals reading, even with guys I am terrible. But I have learned that she's a bit like me with the armour, she's told me that much. And when she's around where I work she usually checks to see if I'm there, even if she doesn't say anything. But most times she stops by to chat.

However, last night we were working late on a case together and when we left I told her I had a date, with another colleague of ours, a woman. I said it in a jokeing manner as this other colleague is married and very straight (which she knows) and we were just going out to catch dinner and a show. And then I snapped her a photograph of us leg flirting with a silly "it's such a nice date" line, which was of course just bs as my friend and I were being silly about it, but I didn't tell my crush this. We do send each other a lot of snaps and she is usually very quick to reply, however this she didn't comment on. (She also usually comments on other things that I get up to). And today as we had another meeting scheduled she didn't ask about it at all. When we're in her office and talking I usually sit at the side and she often asks me to come around to sit next to her and every now and then our feet will touch and she's not pulling away. She seems comfortable with the touch. She even asked me to stop by her office before I left for the day, which I did. Then there's this thing that might be a tell, I don't know. We usually park in the same place but the other day she parked at another lot and today I parked there and she parked where I previously parked, thus missing each other. When she found out she said "Are you serious? Why would you do that?" Which I'd like to interpret as a sign as we've missed each other two times, but then I could be reading too much into it. We're getting quite giggly and we both joke a lot and I feel like we're on the same wavelength but I am really bad at sniffing her intentions out. And since we work together this could potentially be bad. So, should I just leave it with that I have a crush on her? Or should I try and find out what she feels? 

Edited by JetSet
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Trying to guess what someone is feeling is very frustrating. I find it's easier to know for sure than to assume. So either try to figure out her orientation by asking vague questions like about her previous relationships, or people she s interested in. Or just casually ask her if she d like to go out. I find being straight forward and casual is the best way to avoid headaches. If you figure out where you stand before your feelings get too intense, it ll be easier to move on if needed. 

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1 hour ago, amsterrock said:

Trying to guess what someone is feeling is very frustrating. I find it's easier to know for sure than to assume. So either try to figure out her orientation by asking vague questions like about her previous relationships, or people she s interested in. Or just casually ask her if she d like to go out. I find being straight forward and casual is the best way to avoid headaches. If you figure out where you stand before your feelings get too intense, it ll be easier to move on if needed. 

You've already established (to her) that you sometimes go on "dates" with female coworkers, so it won't seem odd if you invite her out for something similar. If she wants to make it a romantic evening, fantastic. If not, you still get fun quality time with a friend.

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You sound like me, lol. Racking my brain finding out about my friend over the last few months (turns out she is bi). 

i learned it takes time-- first thing you should do (like the previous poster said), find out her orientation and look for clues. My friend was using a lot of gender neural pronouns, saying she's dated a lot of "people"- maybe start talking about your dating pasts and see if she does something like this, or if she's been with a woman, etc. if not then maybe see if she's bi-curious next. Maybe make a joke about how you're tired of men and thinking about dating women, in which she will probably voice her opinion on that. Or talk about an LGBT issue. 

Once you get over that hurdle, then try finding out if she's into you. Maybe you can ask her to get coffee outside of work? People are different outside of the workplace where there's less formality. 

 

Keep us updated!

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@Violetta now that you know your friend is bi have you come out to her as well?

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I'm going to go along with ChemFem on this. Invite her out.. Spend time with her. Find out how she feels. I know it's easy for me to sit here and tell you to take a chance, but remember that it always means risk. I know that's hard, but this sounds promising. Take a chance.

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No I did intend to tag you. You said you found out your friend is bi and I'm curious what if anything you did with that information afterwards.

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I agree about asking her to hang out.  It’s too easy to misinterpret signals when we really want them to be signals.  Being in another environment will help, and you can make a more overt move or statement  outside of work.  You’ll see a different side of her.  As scary as it is, you’ll probably need to be pretty clear about what you want in order to get an answer.

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On 2/17/2018 at 10:52 AM, ChemFem said:

No I did intend to tag you. You said you found out your friend is bi and I'm curious what if anything you did with that information afterwards.

Were you asking me? Well I'll answer anyway just in case lol

i don't really consider myself bi since I've never even kissed a woman, at least not until I actually have sex with a woman. More bi-curious 

I have a whole thread on this story if you want to read it-- it's in the married section, its title is "both of us married and I'm falling in love". You can read the whole story there. 

Edited by Veronica
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Oh my, I figured out what happened. I confused @Violetta with @Veronica and tagged the wrong one! You both have lovely names but they sound similar and I had a brain fart. My apologies.

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Drop hints.

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45 minutes ago, KeikoM said:

Drop hints.

Does that ever work? I feel like most of the time that just ends up being crazymaking for everyone involved.

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5 hours ago, ChemFem said:

Oh my, I figured out what happened. I confused @Violetta with @Veronica and tagged the wrong one! You both have lovely names but they sound similar and I had a brain fart. My apologies.

I usually get confused with them too. :D

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Thank you everyone for all the advice. It's been very helpful. It's been a week since I've seen her as we've both been on holidays but we've snapped each other almost everyday. I try to be a bit flirty but not too obvious but I can't really interpret her replies. Sometimes she'll send me "Oh, I wish I was there." messages and then she'll just send a generic message. 

However, last night my ex (a man) looked through Tinder after I asked him to get a profile, as I felt a bit stalky.... and he found that she was on there. So, at least she's single but is she bi? I find it hard to know, as I am shit at telling. We're back to work tomorrow and I was going to follow @amsterrock and @ChemFem's advice to ask her casually out. I go to a quiz every week and we did have a chat about that a couple of weeks ago, so inviting her along to that should be easy enough. Although, I do feel a bit discouraged that she was on Tinder and looking for men. But you never know right? At least, I might get a cool friendship out of it. 

Edited by JetSet
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