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Am I Lesbian or Bisexual?

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i like women's faces, bodies and personalities. i want sex and relationships with women.
i like men faces and bodies, but not their personalities. i find male sexuality disgusting and annoying, 
but somehow i like straight porn more than lesbian porn. but dick in porn seems overrated and boring, i like looking a men faces. but only straight porn where the guy is handsome in the face and doesn't seem like a jerk. but most straight porn is like boring. i don't know i think i've seen it all. lesbian porn is ok, but it's not as animalistic as straight porn, but i love strapon lesbian porn. i like looking at the girl face while she fucks with the strapon porn.

after watching and masturbating to straight porn i feel very bad, but this doesn't happen when i watch lesbian porn. i feel happy after watching and masturbating to lesbian porn.
in real life i enjoy looking a men with handsome faces. but it has to be a very handsome man like a model or someone very good looking. sometimes i watch average guys faces out of curiosity. i think male muscles look good, and i am curious to touch them. but honestly i don't feel very comfortable with the idea of having sex with men. it's like i like to watch them, and maybe touch the muscles to see what they feel like, but actually engaging into anything sexual would left me feeling like shit. like i could sleep with a guy, and enjoy it but would feel awful afterwards like i would have to kill him or kill myself. i rather not act on my attraction to men ever, because it makes me feel less than ideal. and it's cool according to my own standards lol.

i would love to be in a relationship and have sex with a woman. i would feel great about it. everything about it seems awesome. but i don't act on my attraction to women because homophobia stresses me out too much and i suffer from a mental illness caused by homophobia from a previous coming out attempt, basically every little lesbophobic thing people say or do gives me stress that make me angry and i want to tell everyone to fuck off because it's not appropiate at work, i hate feeling angry all the time but also feel empty inside knowing that i will never be able to have a long term relationship with a woman.
but then again pretty girls don't find me attractive and i am a little too crazy antisocial, and there's too much homophobia to deal with.
still i refuse to ever kiss, date or have sex with a man ever

oh and threesomes involving a man is the most disgusting thing in the world and i hate that even in porn
i feel my male are only necessary for watching porn sometimes, but then in real life i hate that a guy notices i am looking at him like i want to punch him in the face or humilate them or something, i hate men having any sort of power of me. i love liking women though

i think i have issues with men for real
like i can't deal with them having any sort of power over me
if a guy treats me bad i feel like shit
if a girl treats me bad i can move on
maybe it's because when i was a kid and i was with my father, he was holding a picture of a young boy and i asked him about it
then he laughed. later i realized it was a picture of his son with other woman. he left my mom because he wanted to have a son and my mother couldn't give him more kids because she had her uterus removed 

so basically my father laughed at me, and now i hate him and all men, and i feel they will laugh at me again and make me feel like shit
but with women i can deal with any drama and feel ok about it
i mean my attraction to women is higher than my attraction to men so whatever, right?

i can't deal with another man laughing at me or mistreating me ever
i don't wanna risk getting hurt by a guy
and let's face it dicks are overrated, kinda ugly, and strapons are somehow hotter
and i don't care much about sex because i watched too much porn and somehow desensitized myself
i just wanna cuddle with a woman and find real love
i don't think i could ever love a man

oh and i hate it when people noticed i am attracted to men, or pressure me into getting a boyfriend or getting married
like i feel rage and wanna tell them to fuck off
i really wish i were 100% lesbian
i do love my mom a lot and spend a lot of quality time with her and support her financially

so, what am i? what should i do?

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There's a lot to unpack here. To answer your titular question, it definitely sounds like you lean more lesbian, even if you have some interest in men in a fantasy context.

If you merely expressed indifference towards men in real life, I'd just say "hooray, you're gay" and leave it at that. It does however sound like your disgust at everyday interactions with men is causing you considerable distress. If you can afford therapy, I would highly recommend it. It's helpful for everybody I think, but especially when dealing with complicated issues such as what role your father's behavior may have played in this.

At any rate, welcome to ShyBi. We're certainly not mental health professionals, but we can provide support and first hand perspectives from other women who love women.

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Never judge your actual sexual interests on the porn you watch.  Sometimes what you masturbate to or want to see on the screen is VASTLY different from what you ACTUALLY want.  There are lesbians who enjoy straight porn, or even gay male porn.  I think some of it is the different dynamic (though so much "lesbian" porn is aimed at straight men).  I can enjoy some straight porn, but I DEFINITELY have no desire to be with a guy.  I have the occasional man crush, as does my very butch, gay girlfriend.  You can appreciate something beautiful without wanting to fuck it or date it, ya know?

I enjoy male energy, hanging out with certain guys sometimes.  It's fun!  But it's most decidedly platonic.  I can see why you'd struggle with being around men after your experiences with your dad, and that would be something you'd want to work out with a therapist.  It will probably take some work to get through, and giving the good guys a chance in your life.  But it will benefit you SO much in the long run.  That anger can easily consume you, and the stress hormones caused by it can wreak havoc on your body and psyche over the years.

I agree that you sound like you're gay.  That internal struggle is one MANY of us can understand first-hand, myself included.  It took me years to get comfortable enough to really pursue dating women, and many more to do so with any measure of success.

Are there any LGBT support groups in your area?  Or therapists that specialize in LGBT issues?  You'll need to get through that anger in order to be a healthy partner to anyone.  It takes a lot, too, to be comfortable being out in the world with a woman, clearly dating or in a relationship, but with time, that gets easier.  What is the attitude where you are about LGBT people?

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