blueberry

How do you respond to straight girl flirting?

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This is related to the post I made about uneasy to return female affection. 

I think my co-worker is flirting with me. I call it straight girl flirting. Maybe she's not straight or maybe she is but it doesn't matter. Her dealings with me is interestingly exciting, albeit my feelings are not romantically tune in to her.  I am not out so she has no idea what my orientation is. Today, I was speechless and just looked at the computer when she said that I could sit on her lap as she didn't mind. Okay. Wait. This was what happened, I log on to one computer and because I saw that she stopped using the chair, I asked if I could have the computer chair. She playfully said no, took the chair to sit and smiled at me. Then she said "you can sit on my lap, I don't mind." I just managed to say "ahh.." That's all. I felt that I missed an opportunity to throw back a meaningful flirt there. I was not comfortable as there were clients around. Prior to this, she said, "so you're married." I said, yes. Then she asked me if I was Christian and I said, "why, why are you interested to know." And she said, "oh I'm always interested to know about you." She's trouble I think. It's been a while I haven't done this game (if it's a game for her). By the way, before any of these happened, I have invited her to watch movie with me together with one of our colleagues sometime next month. If she was flirting with me, I would want to return the favour. It's fun! I am just rusty in this field now so I am asking you ladies, how do you respond to this in words because she's doing this in words and actions as well?

Edited by blueberry
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That's an odd mix of cues. The lap sitting comment would be innocuous if you were in, say, a crowded meeting room without enough chairs. But she was already done using the chair...and I assume you asked out of courtesy rather than because you actually expected her to say no. I'd be on guard without reading too much into it.

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Cool. Thanks @ChemFem  I'm not reading it too much. I'm still smitten by someone else (can't have her)  and so I am not emotionally available yet but who knows with my co-worker, it might turn into something organically. I just want to play along and be able to reciprocate her flirting or friendly affection with ease. 

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Update:  

She's not so straight after all. Lots of flirtations happened in the past week. Some are really obvious that she's into me and others are a bit in grey area. Last night, we left a very interesting convo hanging as she had to go back to work from her break. She's a very attractive woman, late 20s and I should be diving there and then. My gut is telling me "hold on, you don't know her personally, you don't know her motive, is she authentic?" She appeared too strong for me. Straightforward in telling me that she likes me but this is done in humorous way.  I'm not against a confident woman but this one feels too good to be true (and maybe it is OR not at all).  She's not asking "hey let's talk seriously or let's hang out." I'm not sure if I should broach the topic of talking seriously or asking her out and  ask what she really want from me. BECAUSE some women are only good during flirting but don't want to act on it yet. I've been in this end and so I know how obnoxious it appeared to be but I did it and lost my chance at that time. What could I do? I got scared and that was the fault of being young. 

If I do appear more interested to get into the serious stuff, she might run away. The thing is, if I let this pass and do let's wait and see, she might think that I'm not interested at all and I'm just too friendly to ride on all her flirtations. Timing is very important and that is difficult to ascertain too. 

Any shybi wisdom here? 

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hmmm i agree timing is important here as are reading all the signals.... can you go out for a happy hour or something casual out of work? i think a lot can be learned just hanging and talking.... determine your comfort level, pay attention to body language.... you can show interest without putting yourself in an awkward position by verbally confessing anything too prematurely, right?

 

 

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56 minutes ago, TBD78 said:

hmmm i agree timing is important here as are reading all the signals.... can you go out for a happy hour or something casual out of work? i think a lot can be learned just hanging and talking.... determine your comfort level, pay attention to body language.... you can show interest without putting yourself in an awkward position by verbally confessing anything too prematurely, right?

 

 

That's the thing that I don't want to do - confessing anything prematurely. I don't want to ask her out. It doesn't feel right at the moment. We're supposed to continue to talk what we left behind last night but neither of us has messaged each other.  I'm feeling that this is a kind of mind game and I don't like it. I'll follow my instinct for now and  will leave the thing in its own course.  I will continue to observe for now and research more about her. I don't want to be involved with somebody who intentionally plays game. 

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5 minutes ago, blueberry said:

That's the thing that I don't want to do - confessing anything prematurely. I don't want to ask her out. It doesn't feel right at the moment. We're supposed to continue to talk what we left behind last night but neither of us has messaged each other.  I'm feeling that this is a kind of mind game and I don't like it. I'll follow my instinct for now and  will leave the thing in its own course.  I will continue to observe for now and research more about her. I don't want to be involved with somebody who intentionally plays game. 

oh my asking her out is not intended to be a date by any means, just two friends grabbing a drink.  But go with your gut - that is usually right !  keep us posted!!

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Love the straight girl flirt.  At parties, since it’s well known I’m bisexual, I have straight girls come on to me all the time, but usually it’s all show and used generally to turn on their boyfriends or hubbys. Very rare that they actually want to get in my pants.  Just an act.  It can be annoying, but I usually go along with the act.  Hey, if I can help some girl get laid by her husband because he gets turned on, or better yet, if I can help some dude by being in his masturbation fantasies, so be it.  

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23 hours ago, blueberry said:

That's the thing that I don't want to do - confessing anything prematurely. I don't want to ask her out. It doesn't feel right at the moment. We're supposed to continue to talk what we left behind last night but neither of us has messaged each other.  I'm feeling that this is a kind of mind game and I don't like it. I'll follow my instinct for now and  will leave the thing in its own course.  I will continue to observe for now and research more about her. I don't want to be involved with somebody who intentionally plays game. 

I'm in a very similar situation. 

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I nipped it in the bud.

I thought that I would just leave everything in its own course. Play along, ride along and see where it goes. I did some reflections. I studied our convo. I recalled all the angles of our interactions. We don't have sexual nor physical interactions. It's all verbal and messages but very heavy. Then,  I asked myself, "if a person genuinely likes somebody, does she/he usually flirt HARD? No.  Because she or he’ll be too nervous and too self-conscious to do so.  This is all about HER. She’s a big flirt. I am not sure about her intentions and why she picked me and I said, it doesn’t matter. “Is she straight or not,” I said again, “it doesn’t matter.” Simply because I realised that this person was possibly not aware of the consequences of her actions. I could just let everything pass, ignore the game and forget knowing that she’s going in different department in a month time. Or I could play along but in a safe mode. But...no. She MUST know that it’s NOT OKAY. She must know that she could do better than leading someone on, whether intentional or unintentional.  If I just let her do what she wants with me, she'd do this again and again to anyone. And I could tell that she's a pro in it. She's very, very good. 

I cornered her yesterday. She’s running away, I could tell. I insisted. Then we talked. She’s still joking and flirting, asking me if I told my husband about our relationship. I maintained my composure and told her that we didn’t have any relationship.  She’s trying to reason that she had done it to the other colleague of ours who's closer to her and she’s not doing it randomly as I said that she’s very good and confident in what she’s doing. She said that it’s not serious. She said that she’s even controlling herself with me otherwise she’d do more, like cuddle me big time. She’s very defensive. 

Everything she said was not surprising at all and had no effect to me of whatsoever. I had expected it because I accepted that she’s a big flirt before I talked to her. I told her that I was not angry with her and I was there as a concerned friend. I said that the flirting she thought was harmless and fun could bring a total trouble to her or to the person receiving it. Trouble in a sense that what if I'm an obsessed person with certain tendency and stalk her and even destroy her later on upon learning that it’s all a game. What if I’m a fragile person and fall in love with her and when rejected would self-destruct. I told her that she didn’t know me. She may do it to her friends who’ve known her as that but not to anyone who she doesn't know. She tried asking my sexuality but I told her not to ambush me because she started all this thing and not me. She stopped. 

Flirting is fun but there is a certain limit because the person has a full responsibility to whoever she has to make this with. It's a tricky activity and picking me as a married woman is very irresponsible on her part if her intention is just for fun because I could either be an obsessed one or the fragile. Before I talked to her, I said to myself, “It's up to her if she takes my advice or not. Being on the receiving end of her flirtation and having the realisation that I can make a difference out of it, I believe that I should act on and follow what my moral compass is showing me to do. I hope that her heart will open up and her mind gets cleared in due time. Then she’ll be a better person and will end up in a good, healthy romantic relationship with someone else.” 

My thought is if no one tells her unbecoming then she’ll continue whatever she’s doing. It’ll be a cycle. She’s a lovely person. It’s a waste if something happens to her because of her foolishness. 

I love flirting. I flirt too but with genuine interest and an intention to make a personal connection to the woman. I flirt to know her, to be able to spend time with her and not about my ego. Hers is on full throttle. There's no reservation. That's why I did not feel quite right about it. 

So far, she has toned down this morning with her messages. No more flirting. To be honest, I am more satisfied and glad. She thanked me and said that maybe she needs someone like me to draw the line for her, to remind her.  She's keen to watch a movie with me together with another colleague. Could this be the beginning of an authentic friendship or not? It doesn't matter.  Could she be interested in me after all? Who knows? If she really is then she'll come clean and if not, it doesn't matter. I wont stress myself with this. What matters to me is that I did the right and good thing. 

I am happy. :angel:

 

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Interesting insight about people flirting less if they're truly interested.

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I can deal with a straight girl flirting with me any day of the week!

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About not flirting hard when you're truly interested in someone...I'm not sure this is true for everyone. Maybe it's different depending of your age (I'm 35), but for me flirting is something I can do if I feel I'm falling for someone too fast and too much. To protect myself I resort to kind of semi-sexual flirting, it feels better than to let my true feelings be shown and it sets focus on the fun part of attraction that can arise between people.

If I feel myself get self-conscious and toungue tied in the presence of my crush I often start some kind of banter with her, I find something to tease her for maybe. But it can happen that we both get that stunned feeling at the same time and I don't care to say that much, we just kind of look at each other. Those times I think it's noticeable from a mile away.

So maybe, if someone never looses their cool and flirting, maybe there's no genuine feelings...

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On 02/03/2018 at 0:38 AM, ChemFem said:

Interesting insight about people flirting less if they're truly interested.

I think there's some truth in this too. I can be flirty and I can't resist a cheeky comment or innuendo. But if I really like someone, I can be much quieter and more subtle....sometimes too subtle actually. 

But I read an interview with Helen Mirren yesterday and she spoke about flirting. Forgive me if this isn't 100% accurate as it was a magazine I was reading while having my hair done....Anyway, she said that 'people who are flirting are just exerting their sexual power. But true attraction, and even love, is when you look at someone from accross the room and can't take your eyes off them and you can't explain why.'

I think there's a lot of truth in what she says. If I like someone, I'm mesmerized,. It's like there no one else in the room. 

Jeez, no wonder we get confused when people flirt!! 

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I love teasing @ChemFem as you can see here too.I do it in my personal life too and with straight women too,yes but not in a dirty way.But when i really like someone or care about them i am extremely romantic in the way i flirt and try to make them feel like they are the center of my attention and i don't tease like i normally do.

As @lsroses said true attraction has nothing to do with flirt or anything but finding to someone something you can't explain why but it makes sense to you.Of course sometimes it might only be excitement and i have experienced this many times but after a while you realize it

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5 hours ago, lsroses said:

'people who are flirting are just exerting their sexual power. But true attraction, and even love, is when you look at someone from accross the room and can't take your eyes off them and you can't explain why.'

And then it's like the time stopped right there and then. When your gaze meet each other, you just see her and only her. It's amazing and I did not experience that with any man. I'm glad that I experienced it. Will it ever happened again? I don't know.  I can only hope. 

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Wow, blueberry!

Well done for collaring her, as you say, to prevent future emotional damage. I am very impressed, and I should totally have done the same when I was put in your situation. Unfortunately, I did fall for the woman, with reservations, and for a year she was the centre of my world.

"Then,  I asked myself, "if a person genuinely likes somebody, does she/he usually flirt HARD? No.  Because she or he’ll be too nervous and too self-conscious to do so.  This is all about HER. She’s a big flirt.". I agree with you in this case of me and my colleague. She was exerting her sexual power, because it made her feel good. The fact that she did it to a friend and colleague... I don't think she realised what harm she was causing.

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Thank you. And I'm sorry  for your bad experience. It's hard to do it actually but my concern for her own sake took over and that motivated me to put a stop on what she's doing to me. It's a bit awkward and a bit uneasy nowadays especially that we are working together. I can feel her looking at me sometimes and probably controlling herself to begin flirting again. I distant myself physically and digitally as much as possible. Yesterday, she gestured of giving me a hug with her open arms which I declined to reciprocate. She playfully tried blocking my way as I walked toward her direction. She's still trying to get my attention by the look of things.  I'm not very much attracted to her but she got my attention when I first saw her many months ago, which means that I find her attractive. There's a power play going on and I hate it so much!  I'm thankful that at least I have taken the control back on  my side this time but I admit that it's not easy to play cool. I am hopeful that things will ease out in due time.  

Edited by blueberry
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I was thinking of this thread the other night.  I was at a party and had challenged another girl to a drink off because she said she could drink me under the table.  She’s a straight girl and was flirting heavy with me, and like I said earlier, I assumed it was just to turn on her husband and probably any other guy in the room.  I was going along with the flirting but had a plan.  After we downed our first shot and slammed the glasses on the table I grabbed her and gave her a big kiss just to shock the shit out of her and maybe teach her a lesson for her fake flirting.   To my shock, she kissed back, and was very good at it.  Turned the tables on me and I was a little shocked, but got to admit it was very exciting.  That was all we did, but I admit I felt a little different about my little ‘straight’ friend after that and I’m thinking she’s not so straight after all.  I knew better to go any further with my hubby and gf both there and watching, but I took out all that pent up energy on my gf later.

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3 hours ago, KeikoM said:

I was thinking of this thread the other night.  I was at a party and had challenged another girl to a drink off because she said she could drink me under the table.  She’s a straight girl and was flirting heavy with me, and like I said earlier, I assumed it was just to turn on her husband and probably any other guy in the room.  I was going along with the flirting but had a plan.  After we downed our first shot and slammed the glasses on the table I grabbed her and gave her a big kiss just to shock the shit out of her and maybe teach her a lesson for her fake flirting.   To my shock, she kissed back, and was very good at it.  Turned the tables on me and I was a little shocked, but got to admit it was very exciting.  That was all we did, but I admit I felt a little different about my little ‘straight’ friend after that and I’m thinking she’s not so straight after all.  I knew better to go any further with my hubby and gf both there and watching, but I took out all that pent up energy on my gf later.

Wow I can just imagine how shocked you were when she turned the tables on you unexpectedly.

I've experienced the same on a few occasions with girls like the one you describe. We call them Barsexuals here, not sure if that's just British urban slang, but yeah it's usually a young straight girl trying to impress her male friends for whatever reason.

I tend to be straightforward with those types and kind of make it clear that if she's flirting with me because she is genuinely interested in a 'not so straight way', fine. If it's to impress or to get a kick out of it, don't bother leading me on.

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On 3/4/2018 at 5:27 PM, lsroses said:

I think there's some truth in this too. I can be flirty and I can't resist a cheeky comment or innuendo. But if I really like someone, I can be much quieter and more subtle....sometimes too subtle actually. 

But I read an interview with Helen Mirren yesterday and she spoke about flirting. Forgive me if this isn't 100% accurate as it was a magazine I was reading while having my hair done....Anyway, she said that 'people who are flirting are just exerting their sexual power. But true attraction, and even love, is when you look at someone from accross the room and can't take your eyes off them and you can't explain why.'

I think there's a lot of truth in what she says. If I like someone, I'm mesmerized,. It's like there no one else in the room. 

Jeez, no wonder we get confused when people flirt!! 

I totally agree about true attraction being expressed more subtly, and all of my major relationships with women have begun that way...and then evolved into serious overtures (not flirting), such as chatting, to get to know one another a bit, and then making arrangements to meet up... While the chatting has had a flirtatious element or aspect to it, it's always been clear that it's more than mere flirtation. 

But flirting isn't always just a demonstration of sexual power or prowess. It does serve an important purpose as a way of making a more casual overture, with a view to asking someone out.

I work with lots of people in their twenties and thirties, and the flirting with serious intent is endless. Initially it comes across as a light-hearted expression of interest (so is easy to withdraw if necessary), and if you've observed that the person doesn't do it with everyone (i.e. isn't just a flirt), then you'll understand that they're interested in you. Of course, for anything to happen, some level of attraction must be present, even if only physical attraction. It seems to work well in our particular professional environment, because lots of employees date one another, and quite a few have ended up in long-term partnerships and marriages. We also have lots of 'company babies'... 

Over the past couple of years I've noticed more women (both lesbian and bi) taking a chance and flirting (with serious intent) with other women (who aren't known to be bi/lesbian) at work, and some of them have ended up together. So, I wouldn't necessarily dismiss the flirtatious attention of a female work colleague out of hand, unless she's clearly bad news, appears to have questionable intent, or you have no interest in her...because you never know...she could end up being the love of your life. 

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On 13/03/2018 at 1:13 PM, BenedettaC said:

I totally agree about true attraction being expressed more subtly, and all of my major relationships with women have begun that way...and then evolved into serious overtures (not flirting), such as chatting, to get to know one another a bit, and then making arrangements to meet up... While the chatting has had a flirtatious element or aspect to it, it's always been clear that it's more than mere flirtation. 

But flirting isn't always just a demonstration of sexual power or prowess. It does serve an important purpose as a way of making a more casual overture, with a view to asking someone out.

I work with lots of people in their twenties and thirties, and the flirting with serious intent is endless. Initially it comes across as a light-hearted expression of interest (so is easy to withdraw if necessary), and if you've observed that the person doesn't do it with everyone (i.e. isn't just a flirt), then you'll understand that they're interested in you. Of course, for anything to happen, some level of attraction must be present, even if only physical attraction. It seems to work well in our particular professional environment, because lots of employees date one another, and quite a few have ended up in long-term partnerships and marriages. We also have lots of 'company babies'... 

Over the past couple of years I've noticed more women (both lesbian and bi) taking a chance and flirting (with serious intent) with other women (who aren't known to be bi/lesbian) at work, and some of them have ended up together. So, I wouldn't necessarily dismiss the flirtatious attention of a female work colleague out of hand, unless she's clearly bad news, appears to have questionable intent, or you have no interest in her...because you never know...she could end up being the love of your life. 

Beautifully said :D

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This is an easy one, flirt back, if you like her. 

 

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*sigh* I'd love a good face to face flirt with a woman I find attractive. I'm quite flirty and love a bit of back and forth. Although I think I'm better at it with guys, I'm naturally a bit wary of women haha. Plus I've been in a straight relationship for over 6 years and have 3 kids, my confidence in that area would be pretty low because I've probably forgotten what it's like! 

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On 3/29/2018 at 5:21 AM, Apsalar15 said:

*sigh* I'd love a good face to face flirt with a woman I find attractive. I'm quite flirty and love a bit of back and forth. Although I think I'm better at it with guys, I'm naturally a bit wary of women haha. Plus I've been in a straight relationship for over 6 years and have 3 kids, my confidence in that area would be pretty low because I've probably forgotten what it's like! 

I feel like that with women and men! Lol but I've only had one female crush. 

My opinion on flirting- I think everyone will flirt no matter how much interest they have in someone-- that's courting, which is also flirting.

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