unknown

Hope I Found my tribe....

7 posts in this topic

Hi. I’ve joined in a couple of chats that inspired me, a few weeks ago, before introducing myself because I wasn’t sure what to say or how to start. I guess since I’m “unknown” I should feel safe but that’s hard for me. I have big trust issues.

I’m on my fourth failing marriage to a male. I was raised in a severely abusive and repressed home. (So attraction to my own sex was not even a consideration but upon reflection I can see it so clearly.) I’ve had several fun-play sessions with female friends. One intense female non-sexual spiritual connection that could have been something special if I had figured it out. And very recently, I was turned inside out by the presence of a woman who boarded my subway car and I could barely look at that I could not explain to myself in any rational way other than to accept that I’m bi. 

My current #4 male insisted on pushing me into swinging lifestyle over the past three years despite his knowing about my past sexual trauma and my intense resistance to the idea. The realm of swinging put all of my issues in my face. My trauma and abuse, my sexual attraction to women and the lack of regard/protection for me from my husband..... and how much I hate expectant arrogant dicks being waived in my face and poked against my body like they have a right over my wishes to do what they want. 

I’m sorry that I’m writing this while not in the best emotional state. But being unknown and the opportunity to speak freely was irresistible. I have no idea if my marriage will hold or if I’ll emotionally survive a recent event as a sane person.

But hi. I’m clearly bi. I hope I found my tribe. 

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Upset on your behalf that your husband pushed you into swinging despite your past trauma. You said "failing marriage", do you intend to divorce him? It sounds like he does not have your best interests at heart. Good though that you are becoming comfortable exploring attraction to women. Whatever you decide this is a supportive community that will listen. Welcome to ShyBi!

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I'm sorry you have had such bad experience and trauma with the male influences in your life but this is a safe place for women to talk freely about how they feel. So welcome to Shy.

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Welcome!  You have found a safe place to vent, share and seek advice.   

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Welcome!  If you haven't yet, please check out the site rules and other helpful posts in How Our Forum Works.  You'll see this is a wonderfully supportive place for women all across the board with sexuality and situations.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in the situation you are.  Do you plan to try to stay married?  I have a thread I think you ought to check out, which I will link here.  I can only imagine how traumatizing the swinging scene must be, given your history and feeling forced into it!

I ended up in a very abusive marriage myself, and was not able to have agency over my own body.  It's an awful feeling.  Thankfully my girlfriend now is very conscientious about this.  Both of us have some trauma surrounding this (she has some history as well), and it can crop up occasionally.  We keep an open dialog.  The right partner will NEVER force you to do anything against your will.

Are you seeing a counselor?  It might be a good place for you to start, because it sounds like you have some patterns you may have a hard time breaking on your own.  Do you have any support?  It might be easier to find when you're single, as I know an abuser has a way of isolating you from those around you.  I still have a hard time connecting with some people because of how my marriage was.  I can be defensive with new people, solicitors, salespeople, etc. in ways I never was before.  But I have reconnected with friends I had before and made some new friends who have been awesome supporters through my divorce and such.

 

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Thank you for the warm welcome. I have been seeing a psychologist for the last year and she is wonderful. She’s helping me figure out how to stay safe while I strengthen myself. I’m also participating in a workshop that is helping me dig into my own patterns. And reading books on how to take myself off the target list. Thank you for the link. I will check it out. Cheers to healing! Thank you for the safe space to be me.  Xo 

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Welcome Unknown. Big hugs to you and you're very safe here. You will get the strength you need to get through this.  We are all here if you need us. 

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