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callewild

How do you find women to hook up with?

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Hey everyone! 
My long-term boyfriend and I are taking a break from our relationship and I finally have a chance to really dive in to my attraction for women. I'm feeling hormonal and excited and like I want to sleep with every beautiful woman I meet! I don't want to get seriously involved with anyone right now but just enjoy experiencing all the sex I've been missing out on. My problem is that I can't figure out how to go about finding women I can hook up with. I feel like asking someone on a date implies I'm interested in a relationship and flat out telling someone I'd like to hook up seems rude and creepy. How can I make it clear that I'm just interested in sex without being disrespectful? 

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If you're strictly looking for short term hookups Tinder is probably your best bet. Also bars, though lesbian bars tend to be thinner on the ground than gay bars. Are you in a large metropolitan area or a smaller community? That will certainly impact the size of your potential dating pool.

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I live in a city (not a big one though) so it's probably easier for me. I will try tinder and see how that goes. It doesn't help that I'm so shy! 

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On 2/27/2018 at 7:22 AM, callewild said:

Hey everyone! 
My long-term boyfriend and I are taking a break from our relationship and I finally have a chance to really dive in to my attraction for women. I'm feeling hormonal and excited and like I want to sleep with every beautiful woman I meet! I don't want to get seriously involved with anyone right now but just enjoy experiencing all the sex I've been missing out on. My problem is that I can't figure out how to go about finding women I can hook up with. I feel like asking someone on a date implies I'm interested in a relationship and flat out telling someone I'd like to hook up seems rude and creepy. How can I make it clear that I'm just interested in sex without being disrespectful? 

In my experience, while there are definitely some serious female players of all ages out there, who are looking to hook up with women and/or men, women generally just aren't like men (straight or gay) that way, so there are far fewer who are just into casual hookups (i.e. interested in sex only, with no prospect of romance ). The ones who are into that side of things tend to be mainly in their 20s, and are usually in their 'experimental' stage with women, where they want to experience sex with as many women as possible (until eventually they get bored, get into trouble with one too many pissed-off women or their girlfriends, or contract a serious STD), or just want to avoid commitment/relationships for any given number of reasons (a badly broken heart, etc.), and so may have serious issues of some kind. You can find these women in any lesbian bar or club in any major city - they're usually the ones standing against the wall sizing up the cute girls (aka 'the prey') on the dance floor. Sound appealing? Probably not... 

It's clear from lots of posts here on Shy (including the ones above) that women are just not lining up around the block for casual hookups or purely sexual relationships with other women, for various reasons, and making that kind of request can definitely come across as 'rude and creepy' (the fact that this comes to mind is probably an indication of what you really think about it), unless that person is into exactly the same thing. So, before you start pursuing women merely for sex, remember that most women, whatever their sexuality - bi, lesbian or hetero - don't want to be used for sex, or be someone's experiment...and women in the gay world tend to expect so much more than that from other women. 

Women, by their very nature, are romantic, and that's one of the most wonderful and alluring things about us...

While there's absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex between consenting adults (if you can find someone who really wants that, and isn't just pretending that's all they really want), try not to sell yourself and other women short by treating them the way so many men do - as sex objects. 

Let the defensive responses begin!  :):):)

 
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On 2/27/2018 at 3:52 AM, callewild said:

I feel like asking someone on a date implies I'm interested in a relationship and flat out telling someone I'd like to hook up seems rude and creepy. 

Asking someone on a date does sort of imply that you’re interested in a relationship, or at the very least, interested in more than sex. If all you truly want is a hookup, don’t waste anyone’s time with a date. The fact that flat out telling someone you only want sex feels rude and creepy to you says a lot...it kind of is. 

I agree with the ladies above, women tend to want more than just sex, it’s sort of what makes us ‘better’ than men. 

On 2/27/2018 at 3:52 AM, callewild said:

How can I make it clear that I'm just interested in sex without being disrespectful? 

You really can’t...treating a human being purely as a sex toy IS disrespectful...in my book anyway.

Casual sex can be fun (if conducted respectfully), except it’s rarely ever truly casual between two women. If you go into any type of casual relationship with the mindset that you refuse to have feelings, than you’re limiting yourself (and her) and really only see her as an object of sexual gratification...it’s no wonder that women aren’t lining up for that. The best casual relationships are entered into with an open mind...and heart...

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19 minutes ago, Cute&Curious said:

 The best casual relationships are entered into with an open mind...and heart...

That's so true...in my experience, anyway...

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Hm, maybe I'm not maybe making my intentions clear enough, or else I'm not being clear enough with myself.

I guess that I've been a pretty serious monogamous relationship for a couple years now and it feels really good to be on a break, be on my own, and have room to explore my desires. I have no interest in treating women as sex objects (that wouldn't feel right to me), but I'm also wary of ending up in another serious relationship right away. I guess if that happens, it happens and its life. The other night when I started this thread was the day my long-term boyfriend left town and the beginning of our separation so I think I was feeling extra liberated and wanting to make love to every woman in the world! But that feeling has leveled out over the last few days, of course it is just a fantasy and not how relationships should be in real life! I'm glad you all pointed this out and had me clarify a little more. I think what I really want is a casual relationship and to, of course, do that respectfully. 

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We're hard taskmistresses... :)

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

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It’s perfectly understandable to want to lighten things up, especially after just coming out of a serious relationship. When you say you’re on a ‘break’, does that mean that you intend to resume your ‘serious monogamous relationship’ at some point?

But you need to always be mindful of casual sex, there’s a fine line, and you want to be on the right side of it. I don’t want you (or anyone else) to think I’m attacking you for your interest in casual relationships...I’m a fan of casual relationships...I just think that far too many women don’t take casual relationships seriously enough. Casual sex, or experimentation is not an excuse for objectification...so sometimes it feels necessary to point out the importance of treating women with the respect they deserve. I’m glad your clarified your intentions :)

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I'm 23! So still young I suppose. 

No, it's not clear right now whether or not we're going to resume a monogamous relationship. We still consider ourselves dating but just went from living together to becoming long-distance and went from being monogamous to being open. Basically this is a time for us to figure out how we feel and could result in a lot of different things, whether that be moving back in together, having multiple partners, or maybe just breaking up. There weren't any 'problems' with the relationship except for me desiring to be with women so we decided to take some space without making any big decisions to have more room to figure out how to proceed. As of now, we consider ourselves in an open relationship and I intend to inform any women I start seeing of that beforehand. And I intend to give any women I see just as much consideration as I do my boyfriend. 

Honestly, though my relationship has been great with my boyfriend I've been feeling pretty disappointed with my lack of ability to feel aroused by the sex we have. And also confused about what my desires are in general. It's not that I'm "experimenting* to figure out if I'm straight or not, I know that I'm bisexual. But I'm less clear on how to have sex that satisfies and fulfills me. I've been thinking for awhile that having more experiences with women could help clarify that. I know that it's wrong to use somebody and that's definitely not what I want to do. I only want to be with someone who'se on the same page as me. I was just thinking that there's got to be other women out there who feel similarly, who want and are excited about the chance to explore their attraction to women but aren't in a place in their lives where they're looking for something serious. It can't be that uncommon can it? 

Edited by callewild
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Still being attached is going to change the game a lot.  I think you guys need to determine what this break means for you both, and what it means to anyone else either of you date.  The way you phrased it in your OP made it sounds like you have paused the relationship and aren't together at the moment.  But your last response makes it basically sound like you've opened things up.  Two different scenarios that will draw two different types of women.  So this is a very important distinction.

Be honest about your situation so that you're not leading anyone on.  Most single women aren't interested in an attached woman, but another attached woman might be drawn to that, as she will see that you have similar priorities.

I have to ask, what happens if sex with a woman blows your mind?  Or you find one that you fall for inadvertently?

My girlfriend and I met online with no real expectations, maybe something casual, but who knows.  We went out a couple of times, and I never thought a relationship would ever come of it.  On the second date, she propositioned something casual/sexual, and I was game for that.  But it didn't take long for both of us to develop feelings and to confess as much.  Several months later, we live together.

You can't control for all of the possibilities, but I think, based on your posts here, that you need to be prepared for this to send you down a very different path than you envision right now.

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10 hours ago, BiTriMama said:

I have to ask, what happens if sex with a woman blows your mind?  Or you find one that you fall for inadvertently?

My girlfriend and I met online with no real expectations, maybe something casual, but who knows.  We went out a couple of times, and I never thought a relationship would ever come of it.  On the second date, she propositioned something casual/sexual, and I was game for that.  But it didn't take long for both of us to develop feelings and to confess as much.  Several months later, we live together.

You can't control for all of the possibilities, but I think, based on your posts here, that you need to be prepared for this to send you down a very different path than you envision right now.

Well said, @BiTriMama ! While coming out of a long-term relationship, or taking a break from one (especially at the age of 23), it's understandable to want to keep things casual and not get into another relationship too quickly, going from a hetero relationship to sexual relationships with women is bound to blow your mind in one way or another, and that opens you up to the unpredictable...including passionate romance...and, dare I say it, LOVE...

Back in the 1990s, here in London, a group of women at the forefront of the lesbian scene thought it would be fun to have regular 'cruising nights' on Clapham Common (a large park in southwest London), which is something that gay men do all the time here and elsewhere (it's also known as 'cottaging'). The gay male form is actually pretty sleazy and dangerous (walking past certain concealed wooded areas, spotting a man they like, then going into the undergrowth to have sex - usually a blow job), so these women meant it in a tongue-in-cheek kind of way. These events were meant to provide an exciting venue, which was also a 'safe space', for women to have casual pick-ups, as they thought lots of women would like to try a different angle on meeting each other. (As I recall, the general train of thought was 'The men do it all the time, so why can't we?') So, they tried it over a couple of weekends, and the first weekend lots of women turned up to participate...but the second weekend there were far fewer participants...and the third one, there was hardly anyone there at all...BECAUSE THEY HAD ALL PAIRED OFF AND WERE DATING!  

So...the moral of the story is that casual sex between women usually doesn't stay casual for long... 

Oh, and then there's that terrible but true joke, as told by lesbian/bi women (sorry, I just can't resist):  

Question: What does a lesbian bring with her on a second date? Answer: A U-Haul! 

What this shows is that when women get together, if there is a profound attraction and connection, they tend to just go for it and dive in, and want to spend all of their time together exploring one another and developing their relationship (unlike men, who are more fearful of this, and so tend to get caught up in all sorts of reservations).  

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14 hours ago, callewild said:

I was just thinking that there's got to be other women out there who feel similarly, who want and are excited about the chance to explore their attraction to women but aren't in a place in their lives where they're looking for something serious. It can't be that uncommon can it? 

No, it certainly isn’t uncommon, but my guess would be that it’s less common than women who are looking for something deeper. For a lot of women, it’s that emotional connection that draws them to women in the first place, not the sex. So for some, experiencing that emotion connection is what they want to explore. 

As the two ladies above me (both experienced in lesbian relationships) have stated, everything between two women (even ‘just’ sex) is entirely different than what exists between a hetero couple. If there’s a connection, it can quickly escalate and become more intense than you ever imagined. Sometimes the sex alone can blow your mind, as mentioned above. Not that I know any of this from personal experience, but I’ve been around this site long enough to know the possibilities. Have a browse around some of the older threads, there are tons of women who got knocked off their feet unexpectedly after exploring their attraction to women...just something to be aware of. 

@BiTriMama makes an excellent point, the true nature of your relationship with your BF does have an effect on any relationships you might have with women, so it’s important to take that into consideration when moving forward.

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On 3/1/2018 at 5:21 AM, BenedettaC said:

Well said, @BiTriMama ! While coming out of a long-term relationship, or taking a break from one (especially at the age of 23), it's understandable to want to keep things casual and not get into another relationship too quickly, going from a hetero relationship to sexual relationships with women is bound to blow your mind in one way or another, and that opens you up to the unpredictable...including passionate romance...and, dare I say it, LOVE...

Back in the 1990s, here in London, a group of women at the forefront of the lesbian scene thought it would be fun to have regular 'cruising nights' on Clapham Common (a large park in southwest London), which is something that gay men do all the time here and elsewhere (it's also known as 'cottaging'). The gay male form is actually pretty sleazy and dangerous (walking past certain concealed wooded areas, spotting a man they like, then going into the undergrowth to have sex - usually a blow job), so these women meant it in a tongue-in-cheek kind of way. These events were meant to provide an exciting venue, which was also a 'safe space', for women to have casual pick-ups, as they thought lots of women would like to try a different angle on meeting each other. (As I recall, the general train of thought was 'The men do it all the time, so why can't we?') So, they tried it over a couple of weekends, and the first weekend lots of women turned up to participate...but the second weekend there were far fewer participants...and the third one, there was hardly anyone there at all...BECAUSE THEY HAD ALL PAIRED OFF AND WERE DATING!  

So...the moral of the story is that casual sex between women usually doesn't stay casual for long... 

Oh, and then there's that terrible but true joke, as told by lesbian/bi women (sorry, I just can't resist):  

Question: What does a lesbian bring with her on a second date? Answer: A U-Haul! 

What this shows is that when women get together, if there is a profound attraction and connection, they tend to just go for it and dive in, and want to spend all of their time together exploring one another and developing their relationship (unlike men, who are more fearful of this, and so tend to get caught up in all sorts of reservations).  

SOOOO true!  This is part of why there are way more gay bars than lesbian bars- far fewer women out there cruising.  Same for a women's version of Grindr.  Wouldn't take off the same way.

If you look at the women here, even, VERY few are looking for totally casual hook ups with no emotional entanglements.  Almost all of the attached women looking for another woman are looking for a woman they connect with and can hang out with AND have sex with.  Out of my lesbian friends, I don't know any who feel like they do casual sex well.  I was probably the closest when I was with my prior GF, before we were "officially" dating, but we were trying to keep it casual, though we were hanging out all the time. 

Also, the more you peruse the site, especially some of the older posts, the more you'll see of women who were with guys, then met a woman who blew their mind and cracked open their world.  I can think of a few members off-hand who no longer identify as bi, but rather, gay.

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1 minute ago, BiTriMama said:

SOOOO true!  This is part of why there are way more gay bars than lesbian bars- far fewer women out there cruising.  Same for a women's version of Grindr.  Wouldn't take off the same way.

If you look at the women here, even, VERY few are looking for totally casual hook ups with no emotional entanglements.  Almost all of the attached women looking for another woman are looking for a woman they connect with and can hang out with AND have sex with.  Out of my lesbian friends, I don't know any who feel like they do casual sex well.  I was probably the closest when I was with my prior GF, before we were "officially" dating, but we were trying to keep it casual, though we were hanging out all the time. 

Also, the more you peruse the site, especially some of the older posts, the more you'll see of women who were with guys, then met a woman who blew their mind and cracked open their world.  I can think of a few members off-hand who no longer identify as bi, but rather, gay.

I do wish there were more lesbian bars, not just for cruising but more for a sense of community. It seems like there is a bit of a vicious cycle whereby some existing lesbian bars don't try very hard as they know they have a captive audience. "Oh you wanted a drink more complex than G&T? Look for it at one of the numerous other lesbian bars around. Oh wait there are none."

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11 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

I do wish there were more lesbian bars, not just for cruising but more for a sense of community. It seems like there is a bit of a vicious cycle whereby some existing lesbian bars don't try very hard as they know they have a captive audience. "Oh you wanted a drink more complex than G&T? Look for it at one of the numerous other lesbian bars around. Oh wait there are none."

We have some lesbian events here sometimes, but no regular place anymore for lesbians to congregate. There used to be a lesbian bar a couple of towns over, but I would guess the internet killed that.  I have joined several Facebook groups or pages that have local events, and I have friends in the community, which helps keep me aware of events.  It's the next closest thing!

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3 minutes ago, BiTriMama said:

We have some lesbian events here sometimes, but no regular place anymore for lesbians to congregate. There used to be a lesbian bar a couple of towns over, but I would guess the internet killed that.  I have joined several Facebook groups or pages that have local events, and I have friends in the community, which helps keep me aware of events.  It's the next closest thing!

It is encouraging to see meet up groups, including on FB, springing up to fill this community building function. There's literally a group called More Than Bars for this sort of thing. I haven't been able to go to their events so far due to an ongoing schedule conflict, but I look forward to it in the future.

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