Curious Jane

Moving On

19 posts in this topic

I deleted my other thread. I felt so stupid because it occurred to me today that my professor is just indifferent toward me. 

I don't know why I only picked up on it now, but (with the exception of a few times she has talked to me) she doesn't seem to care to talk to me.  

I came in early today because I had something I actually wanted to tell her -- I genuinely had something to say,  not just because I am finding excuses to talk to her.  Well, she was talking with another student in the room and saying some very poetic things about math.  She mentioned something that I had knowledge of, and when I interjected, she didn't even look at me. She just kept talking. And I wanted so badly to add on to what she was saying. Not that it was any more profound, but just to give my thoughts on it and hopefully get her opinion on my thoughts...but it's like she didn't want to acknowledge me. Or already forgot I was in the room.

And I'm pretty sure she was only looking at me during those times during class because she was waiting to see if I had an answer. But I am so freaking quiet that I think she had to look at my mouth to see if anything was coming out. THAT'S why it seemed like she was staring..

I realized this because today I just mumbled an answer, but she "heard" it because she was reading my lips -- which is what I think she always has to do because I don't speak up. 

Yeah, so I am an idiot.

And for anyone out there who is wondering, "Does this mean she is into me?" Just know that if you have to guess and wonder, she probably isn't. And if you aren't in a position to just flat out ask, save yourself the heartache and move on.

 

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Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy. This is journey, remember? And like many journeys, you will have your ups and downs. Your ups were those times when you're so enthused coming to class and up in the clouds seeing her. Your down is now that you're thinking that she's indifferent towards you. But, don't feel that you're an idiot thinking that she may be staring at you, into you or whatsoever. Those are good feelings. I always say this - enjoy the moment. You did. As for me, that's all that matter. Be glad that you experienced these feelings. Crushing a professor is very tough. Crushing a married female professor is even tougher. I hope you well. 

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This is what I'd suspected reading your story but it seemed like a conclusion you needed to reach yourself. Don't beat yourself up. We have all fallen for someone unattainable at one time or another. It hasn't interfered with your class performance. You're doing fine.

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Reading back over my post, I know it sounds a bit manic.  I wasn't intending to sound like I was going mental over it. I'm totally fine. I just felt pretty dumb. I mean, it's not as if I 100% believed anything would happen between us.  But, as with any ending, it's going to make you a bit sad.

Edited by Curious Jane
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Okay, so...I'm still trying to move on.  Lol

She keeps eye contact with me now more than ever. And I'm not saying it means anything, but it doesn't help my situation.  

There are so many times when I look up from my paper (during her lesson) and she is looking at me.  She will be looking over the head of the student who is directly in front of her, at me. I mean, she can only see my eyes and not the rest of my face, but she lifts her head to see over the person in front of me. This is while I am sitting at the desk and she is standing at the front of the room.

One time I caught her looking at me while she was having a conversation with another student. I looked up, we made eye contact, I smiled, looked away...but when I looked back her chest and face were flushed red.

Granted, that has only happened once (her getting red) and she could have been flushed with embarrassment because she didn't mean to look at me at the moment our eyes met. But like I said, these little things aren't helping me move on.

Today I was yawning and held my hand to my nose the way you'd try to hold a sneeze. It was just so nobody would see my open, yawning mouth.  I looked up and she was looking at me, with a huge smile and said, "Bless you" obviously thinking I was trying to hold a sneeze. This was during her lecture. 

Another interesting thing that happened a week or so ago:

She asked me if I had said something during class because I had said it so quietly. I tried to be funny and rescinded, "Well, you know how loud I am." But I was nervous, so my tone came out sounding rude rather than silly. 

She just said, "Okay." And moved on.

After class I approached her to apologize. I said something like, "I didn't mean to sound rude earlier. I was trying to be funny, but it just sounded rude."

She was standing up at her computer, looking at it as she clicked around. I was right in front of her, maybe 3-4 feet away. But she didn't look up. She made a confused expression and didn't say anything. 

I tried to clarify. "Earlier when you asked me something, I didn't mean to sound rude."

She moved from her computer and began walking toward the other students who were packing up to go. Normally she stands in the area, from which she was walking away, until we are all out of the door. As she walked away from me, she didn't look at me and said, "You have never sounded rude toward me, Jane. I say inappropriate things all the time in front of you guys, so I don't get offended easily."

She seemed...nervous. But trying to play it cool. 

Argh... I just want to know why she is always looking at me.  It's one thing when she is teaching and making eye contact with me because I am paying attention. And that's what I had finally told myself it was all about. But when she is speaking with another student and looking past them at me? What is that about?

I'm nothing to write home about. On a good day, I think I have average looks. I have gained weight (I had lost weight by running, stopped running after pregnancy, haven't found motivation/time to run again).  I don't dress to stand out. 

I don't know what. about me, would catch the eye of someone as beautiful and amazing as her. 

When I leave her class, my head is in the clouds. I love it and I hate it. 

Well, there is only one more class left before the final...then I will probably never see her again. It makes me sad, but maybe I can finally stop thinking so much about her. And really move on.

Thanks for letting me vent. 

 

 

Edited by Curious Jane
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Also, for anyone new who cares to know, but doesn't know the backstory -- Myself and my teacher are both adults. 

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She's probably looking at you because you've been looking at her...and she's wondering why... That happens sometimes... 

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2 hours ago, BenedettaC said:

She's probably looking at you because you've been looking at her...and she's wondering why... That happens sometimes... 

The wondering...the "hmm why?" Sometimes, it's how things start. Oh @Curious Jane I wished I had a magic wand or a magic ball so we could see what's in her mind. Hang in there. 

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7 hours ago, BenedettaC said:

She's probably looking at you because you've been looking at her...and she's wondering why... That happens sometimes... 

I suppose...but I just feel like I make a conscious effort not to stare or even glance in her direction.

When she is speaking to the class I look at her, but so is everyone else...because we're paying attention. 

Maybe she gets a vibe from me. Maybe she senses that she makes me nervous and she wonders why. 

 

 

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6 hours ago, Curious Jane said:

I suppose...but I just feel like I make a conscious effort not to stare or even glance in her direction.

When she is speaking to the class I look at her, but so is everyone else...because we're paying attention. 

Maybe she gets a vibe from me. Maybe she senses that she makes me nervous and she wonders why. 

Curious Jane - Your conscious effort is probably showing... Remember women are very sensitive and intuitive creatures...sometimes quite psychic too...and we pick up on the energy and intentions of others...

You're undoubtedly looking at her differently from the other students in the class...

Yes, she probably does get a vibe from you, and you've already shown her that she makes you nervous, or at least self-conscious, by apologizing for being rude...twice... 

If I were you, I would try to just relax and enjoy your attraction to her...as one human being to another, whether anything might come of it or not (yes, she's a woman, but forget about that for now and just think of it as a human experience, which might help you to be less nervous around her)... That will probably make you come across as more confident...and even charming...and, as @blueberry said, the wondering is sometimes how things start... Curiosity can become intrigue...so you never know...

Try to be positive about how you feel - remember positivity and confidence are attractive. :)

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@nova88 - Your comments above seem to be in the wrong thread... 

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@bendettaC 

You're speaking truth, this I know.  It's just all so easier said than done. :)

I know nothing could possibly come of this. Still, I drive myself crazy. I think it might be because I am afraid and not comfortable with it all. If that makes sense. 

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18 hours ago, Curious Jane said:

@bendettaC 

You're speaking truth, this I know.  It's just all so easier said than done. :)

I know nothing could possibly come of this. Still, I drive myself crazy. I think it might be because I am afraid and not comfortable with it all. If that makes sense. 

Well, I've seen a fair few surprising (even astonishing) romantic developments between women in my day (including between previously straight women and gay women, and also two straight, married women), so I know that nothing is really impossible... But if you believe that it is, then you are putting that out there, and obstructing the flow, and lessening the chances of something happening. That's why I suggested that you try to be positive. (Yes, I am a romantic, but also a realist in this regard.)

Yes, you are making sense.. Fear and discomfort are natural reactions to new intense emotions - whether they are of a totally new kind to you, or just new with regard to a particular person...and it doesn't matter how old or experienced you are... So, try to be easy on yourself, and just let it be. 

 

 

 

 

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I'm sorry to use this forum as a sort of diary, but it's the only avenue of venting and comfort I have right now.

Today was the final test and quite possibly the final moments I had with my wonderful teacher. But it ended on such a great note.

By the time we were told to put our pencils down,  there were 3 of us left in the room. I had a little gift for her (a customized mug that one of her friends told me she would love). I also just needed one more person in the class to sign the card, as I wanted to make it a gift from the class (not just me). 

I slipped the card to the last student, and my teacher was right behind me. She was waiting for another student to finish the test,and I am sure she was curious as to what I was doing. 

After the card was signed, I tucked it into the gift bag, turned to face her, and said, "I know this is something that little kids do, but this is a gift for teacher appreciation week. It's from all of us." 

She thanked me and made a joke about me changing my mind about giving her a gift since the test was so hard. 

I thanked her for all of her help. Before I left the room, she told me that she appreciated that I never complained about the things we had to learn and  always stayed positive. She said it was nice to always "look over at your smiling face."

That's all I could ask for -- to receive such great affirmation...and knowing that she thought of me in a positive light.  

I thought she would remember me for being timid and shy, but I'm so grateful that the real me somehow came through! 

Now the waiting for final grades...

Edited by Curious Jane
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@Curious Jane

 She could be a very professional person who takes the teacher/student relationship seriously. Your interest in her might have made her uncomfortable because it happened at her place of work, and because you were a part of her job. However, I'm inclined to think the staring and the blushing could indicate curiosity. You're no longer her student, the professional boundary is no longer there. Why not casually ask her out for a coffee in a few days? If she declines, you'll know she's not interested. If she accepts the invitation I think you'll get more of a sense of where her interest level is at outside of the classroom. Good luck! 

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Why is this woman so hard to forget?  I have done well with not trying to find her Facebook page, getting to where she isn't the first thing on my mind, and just moving away from infatuation. 

But then...there she was...in a photo in the newspaper.  She was helping kids at a summer program at the college. I didn't save the photo because that felt creepy, but it's still on the newspaper's website. Every so often I will look at it. I realized that I started to forget what she looked like.  The picture seemed to capture her personality; kind, caring, lighthearted, and sensitive. She had the same look of enthusiasm for teaching that she had every day when I took her class. 

I hope I run into her, but then I hope I don't. I want to see her because I imagine a certain scenario play out. She flashes her lovely smile and makes me feel like she is happy to see me. Since I am no longer her student, she is a little flirty. We make plans to do something together.

I don't want to see her because I fear she has forgotten me. I don't want to feel let down if she doesn't talk to me or at least say hello. 

Does this all just sound like mental talk coming from a mental person? Lol

Edited by Curious Jane
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2 hours ago, Curious Jane said:

Does this all just sound like mental talk coming from a mental person? Lol

No! Not mental!

i am the same way. I am all or nothing too! I very rarely fall for people but when I do it’s obsessive. Maybe that’s what my crush talked about the last time I saw her almost 2 years ago and she called me intense and said she needed time :(

A lot of reflection and self exploration has helped. Still I would feel very uncomfortable if I ran into my crush. Granted we were actually best friends at one point. But I still know what you are going though. My only advice:  Find someone else to obsess over. Someone who deserves it and reciprocates! It’s a 100 times more of a high and none of the negatives you get with the unrequited crush. 

Easier said than done, I know!

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Oh and what grade did you get in her class?

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On 6/28/2018 at 11:25 AM, Ona said:

Oh and what grade did you get in her class?

I was .95 away from getting an A.  If you are .5 away from the next grade, she will round up. If I had only done a tiny bit better on the final...damn.

Thanks for asking! And for having empathy for my situation lol. 

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