EllieCruz

Married to a man but I am bi-curious

15 posts in this topic

I am a 35 yearold mother of 3 and i have been married to my husband for 13 years. I am definitely interested in women. I have not told my husband in fear of 2 things, 1 he would not take it well and 2 I am afraid that he would want a woman to join in with us. I have had some some physical contact (very minimal contact) with females in the past when i was younger and before I met my husband. The contact I did have I really enjoyed and thinking about it makes me want to continue on this journey however I'm worried that I would be betraying my husband. 

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First, welcome to the site!  This is a wonderful place for support.  If you haven't already, be sure to check out How Our Forum Works to see the site rules and other helpful posts.

Next, if you take a look around, you'll see you're FAR from alone, and your concerns are certainly valid.  Too many guys think that bisexual = threesomes.  And many people think that bisexual = nonmonogamous and/or about to run off with someone else.

There are some threads here about telling your SO about your sexuality, and many more about acting on it ethically within a relationship.  There's a book I often recommend called The Ethical Slut by Dossie Eaton that you both ought to read if you're even kind of considering it.  It'll help open up conversations about ethical nonmonogamy and about your relationship in general.  But first, I would talk to him about your sexuality.

What makes you think he wouldn't take it well?

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Mfw I write a welcome post and have to delete the whole thing after getting ninja'ed by @BiTriMama<_<:angel:

The Ethical Slut is a great resource, as are Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and More tham Two by Franklin Veaux. The latter has a corresponding website with short articles on specific topics.

 

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You basically just told my story @EllieCruz. I was in exactly the same position about 4 years ago...at 37 and mother of 2. I had the same fears about my husband as you do and the same deep need to explore this and go farther. It's taken me about the same amount of time to work up the courage to join this site. Anyway, I'm with you. And you are definitely not alone.

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17 minutes ago, BiTriMama said:

First, welcome to the site!  This is a wonderful place for support.  If you haven't already, be sure to check out How Our Forum Works to see the site rules and other helpful posts.

Next, if you take a look around, you'll see you're FAR from alone, and your concerns are certainly valid.  Too many guys think that bisexual = threesomes.  And many people think that bisexual = nonmonogamous and/or about to run off with someone else.

There are some threads here about telling your SO about your sexuality, and many more about acting on it ethically within a relationship.  There's a book I often recommend called The Ethical Slut by Dossie Eaton that you both ought to read if you're even kind of considering it.  It'll help open up conversations about ethical nonmonogamy and about your relationship in general.  But first, I would talk to him about your sexuality.

What makes you think he wouldn't take it well?

My husband is a very jealous person. He doesn't take change well and he is very macho. Things are a very traditional way in our house. 

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Hi Ellie Cruz! I’m 29, mother of two and me and my oh have been together since we were very young. I told him I was bi-curious when we were first together and he’s always said I can explore that side of myself if I wanted to as long as it’s only sexual and I’m not in a relationship with other women. I’ve never even kissed a girl yet though! I’ve told him though, if I did that he would obviously be allowed to sleep with other girls but he’s not interested. He’d love a threesome though :D xx

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What's held you back from exploring? For me it's my husband but also because we live in a very small town I want to be discreet.

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I'm in the same boat as you are. 

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Being in a small town is difficult. I’m in the same situation. My husband is not open to me exploring that side of myself as of right now. I’m hoping that will change. But being in a small town I don’t see anything happening spontaneously anyways. 

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Ive come to sites such as this to see if i can find something close but far enough away to keep discreet. If this isnt for me i dont want to have everyone and their mama know where I am at. 

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Well, you can just keep it discreet. But I think it's totally normal to be curious. Some of us gets curious while we are young, some when we are older. Just try it out.

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On 05/03/2018 at 2:30 PM, EllieCruz said:

What's held you back from exploring? For me it's my husband but also because we live in a very small town I want to be discreet.

I live in a small town too, Christian parents, and I wouldn’t want anyone finding out. Not that there’s any shame in being bi, I just think they wouldn’t accept it, especially if I’m with a man and exploring on the side. I think if it could be discreet enough, I’d meet up with someone. I’d have to like their personality though if anything was to happen xx

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@EllieCruz I can totally see where you are coming from. For me, I'm not interested in having a threesome with my husband.  At least, that's never where my mind is when I'm thinking of women.  It's a separate thing entirely, one that isn't physically involving him. This leads me to your question about betrayal.  If they aren't part of the relationship/act then I guess they would just need to be aware and open to our exploration.

For me the part that sucks the worst is that I don't want to hurt my husband at all and I feel like this would. It's a huge part of me that I barely explored before I was married and ironically it's become more and more apparent to me since I've been in a monogamous relationship for 10+ years how much I want something outside of this relationship. So is it betrayal when you simply want something they CAN'T give you?  Is being with a woman as bad as being with another man? Is cheating simply cheating no matter what the sex or situation?

So many questions.  Sigh.....

Oh and the small town aspect... seriously I can't even imagine looking for or being with someone here and not having the whole damn world up in my business.  

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Desire in and of itself is certainly not betrayal. It's how you act on it that counts. The books listed above may be helpful to you as well. Letting your husband know what you are feeling will help you get a better sense of what your options are. He may be surprisingly understanding, he may be totally opposed to the whole thing, likely he will be somewhere in the middle. The only way to find out is to start that conversation even though it's scary.

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