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kairi

Advice about a friend with self image problem

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So, I had a conversation with a new friend today and I don't know what to say to help her. Her self image is so low that she doesn't even want to be touched tho lately she allow me. I can't start making compliments to her to make her feel good  because she'll think other things and I don't want that.She opened up to me today more than normally and I can see she is desperate and on the verge to break. I tried to advise her about depression once and since then I can see her approaching me. I told her few things today but I don't know how to make her focus on the good parts. She is stuck in her past and can't get over it and I really want to help her.I don't know how to advise her to make her see that she  shouldn't focus on her regrets and although it's not my job but her husbands, I'd like to make her change the way she sees herself. Any advice would be appreciated. 

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Yes she has an extremely low self esteem. I mean I don't have confidence too but she gets over me :P

She is a new friend and I don't know her husband, he has caused the damage anyway. He is extetremely manipulative and she sees it now after a lot years of marriage. I told her many times not to focus in the past because the more she is thinking certain situations she lived  with people, emotions are coming into surface and it's like a circle. But she says she can't not think of them. I try almost every day to make her focus on the good but she finds none and she says she can't. She just can't understand what I tell her 

Edited by kairi
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I am one of those people who have an extremely low self image. It's taken me years to recognize it and I'm trying to change it. My husband actually was the one who gave me a little hope about changing my frame of mind. He just started calling me beautiful. All. the. damn. time. First thing in the morning, "Good morning beautiful". Just gets home from work, "hello beautiful!". Answers the phone when I call him, "Hello beautiful!". At first I hated it, I always gave him a dirty look or scrunched my nose and refrained from making some comment. But I noticed after a few weeks I noticed that when I looked in the mirror I no longer avoided eye contact with myself and I sometimes thought, "Hi beautiful" when i did meet my own eyes. I never would have believed that a small compliment, relentlessly given, would help. But it did.

 

If she can see no good and find no desire to keep looking, she may very well be depressed. Once her brain has switched into depression mode, it will be difficult for her to find the energy or good vibes necessary to see anything BUT the bad. And our bodies and brains are wired to let our past run our present. When something in our present reminds us of a bad place from our past, our brains and bodies react accordingly, and outside of our immediate control. Our brains will typically choose fight or flights, and our bodies will start to turn the hormone factories into overdrive and we experience bad emotions and side effects from it. It is a natural reaction that we cannot stop, but what you can encourage her to do is feel it and move it aside, to Practice the Pause. Lots of times when I'm feeling low I notice people tell me to push past it, or fight through it. But I can't do that. I need to wallow in it for a minute. I need to have an intimate moment with my fear and anxiety, let my racing thoughts take over and imagine all scenarios. I have to acknowledge my negative feelings, give them their time in the sun, then process them and move on. I find myself practicing the pause, a lot. I find myself telling myself to practice the pause. A LOT. The pause between when my emotions kick in and when I react. Practice the pause. Then I can pack away the bad, keeping out ONLY the little bit I need to, and allow the better to move into the space all that bad occupied before.

Edited by LizzySizzles
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11 minutes ago, LizzySizzles said:

I am one of those people who have an extremely low self image. It's taken me years to recognize it and I'm trying to change it. My husband actually was the one who gave me a little hope about changing my frame of mind. He just started calling me beautiful. All. the. damn. time. First thing in the morning, "Good morning beautiful". Just gets home from work, "hello beautiful!". Answers the phone when I call him, "Hello beautiful!". At first I hated it, I always gave him a dirty look or scrunched my nose and refrained from making some comment. But I noticed after a few weeks I noticed that when I looked in the mirror I no longer avoided eye contact with myself and I sometimes thought, "Hi beautiful" when i did meet my own eyes. I never would have believed that a small compliment, relentlessly given, would help. But it did.

 

If she can see no good and find no desire to keep looking, she may very well be depressed. Once her brain has switched into depression mode, it will be difficult for her to find the energy or good vibes necessary to see anything BUT the bad. And our bodies and brains are wired to let our past run our present. When something in our present reminds us of a bad place from our past, our brains and bodies react accordingly, and outside of our immediate control. Our brains will typically choose fight or flights, and our bodies will start to turn the hormone factories into overdrive and we experience bad emotions and side effects from it. It is a natural reaction that we cannot stop, but what you can encourage her to do is fight through it and move it aside, to Practice the Pause. Lots of times when I'm feeling low I notice people tell me to push past it, or fight through it. But I can't do that. I need to wallow in it for a minute. I need to have an intimate moment with my fear and anxiety, let my racing thoughts take over and imagine all scenarios. I have to acknowledge my negative feelings, give them their time in the sun, then process them and move on. I find myself practicing the pause, a lot. I find myself telling myself to practice the pause. A LOT. The pause between when my emotions kick in and when I react. Practice the pause. Then I can pack away the bad, keeping out ONLY the little bit I need to, and allow the better to move into the space all that bad occupied before.

I let her talk to me about what is bothering her  the hours we are together but i can't start making compliments tho she is a beautiful woman.I know how the brain works and affects our emotions :)  I don't tell her to push past it because i know that you also need to be willing to think and acknowledge certain things and she definitely isn't.willing or ready that is.She needs an out of her life and she can't find it and this makes things worse.

You know,we allow our past to run our present.I know that every little thought translates into emotions and we have emotions that we don't realize.Hidden under the surface.You need to look deep inside yourself to know they are there and admit them but it is not possible to know them  unless someone take a good look inside you and tell you.And again you have to be willing to admit  

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