MarriedBi

My theory

27 posts in this topic

So the last month or so since really exploring my mind and feelings towards women and after reading so so much on this forum. I’ve come up with a theory. I believe women are so much more open to being bisexual because we don’t get nurtured by our male counterparts like we crave as humans. Females inherently are more nurturing (of course there are exceptions) and I think since we give so much of ourselves we are looking for somebody else to reciprocate that nurturing. I think this is why so many women crave and desire a sexual relationship with their best friend. I feel like me and my best friend nurture and support each other. And at times wonder if a sexual relationship will develop naturally out of the closeness we share. Shit we have matching tattoos. 

Is this just lacking in my marriage? Anybody else feel this way? 

Sorry if this has been discussed before. 

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I really enjoyed reading this and I like your theory ... I've always considered myself to be closer to women than men in general and also it's not just a sexual thing it's something far more than just that.... I attempted to squash an sort of sexual feeling toward women  for years now but I just can't ... 

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1 hour ago, MarriedBi said:

So the last month or so since really exploring my mind and feelings towards women and after reading so so much on this forum. I’ve come up with a theory. I believe women are so much more open to being bisexual because we don’t get nurtured by our male counterparts like we crave as humans. Females inherently are more nurturing (of course there are exceptions) and I think since we give so much of ourselves we are looking for somebody else to reciprocate that nurturing. I think this is why so many women crave and desire a sexual relationship with their best friend. I feel like me and my best friend nurture and support each other. And at times wonder if a sexual relationship will develop naturally out of the closeness we share. Shit we have matching tattoos. 

Is this just lacking in my marriage? Anybody else feel this way? 

Sorry if this has been discussed before. 

It's a good theory and in general I would concur. There is no doubt that we are the more nurturing of the two genders, or put another way, I don't really see much nurturing going on between two males. I think it's just part of female evolution and physiology that make us what we are. Close female friends growing up will discuss periods and maybe later child birth. Men have nothing intimate like that to discuss, so they will talk about neutral topics like football, cars and god knows what.

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I think your theory relates to the historical emphasis and outward celebration of masculinity in patrilineal societies.  I suspect in response, women looked in ward, sought out each other, and created a niche of their own as a place to nurture their feminity.

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I’m somebody that needs to understand the “why” about everything. It’s really annoying. 

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That’s a theory I think of as well. I often wonder if my desire for women is at least partly due to lack of nurturing (amongst other things) in my marriage. I question how ‘real’ my feelings are, and because I haven’t physically explored them, I really can’t know for sure. Would I still feel this intense desire for women if I was fulfilled in my marriage? I have tons of unanswered questions.

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Just now, Cute&Curious said:

That’s a theory I think of as well. I often wonder if my desire for women is at least partly due to lack of nurturing (amongst other things) in my marriage. I question how ‘real’ my feelings are, and because I haven’t physically explored them, I really can’t know for sure. Would I still feel this intense desire for women if I was fulfilled in my marriage? I have tons of unanswered questions.

I think I’m fulfilled in my marriage as much as I can be with a man. I wonder too if my desire would fade after being with a woman. I also am terrified that it would increase. I’m not emotionally ready for what comes with that so when the hubs said he wasn’t ok with me exploring this side of me (right now) I was ok with that. 

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I don’t feel entirely fulfilled. Parts of my marriage and my life is wonderful, others, I struggle. But the problem is that I don’t know if the missing pieces are because of my husband’s shortcomings or because what I want specifically, men in general aren’t capable of.

I also wonder how exploring my sexuality would affect my feelings/desire. I suspect that experiencing a woman would increase my desire...dramatically!

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2 minutes ago, Cute&Curious said:

I don’t feel entirely fulfilled. Parts of my marriage and my life is wonderful, others, I struggle. But the problem is that I don’t know if the missing pieces are because of my husband’s shortcomings or because what I want specifically, men in general aren’t capable of.

I also wonder how exploring my sexuality would affect my feelings/desire. I suspect that experiencing a woman would increase my desire...dramatically!

Don't get me wrong, I do feel sad that you and probably many married women on this site are not feeling entirely fulfilled. On the other hand it makes me realise why not only I am single, but why I don't feel that I could marry a man and live happily ever after with one.

You suspect that experiencing a woman would increase your desire? I suspect it definitely would!  xx

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14 minutes ago, Cute&Curious said:

I don’t feel entirely fulfilled. Parts of my marriage and my life is wonderful, others, I struggle. But the problem is that I don’t know if the missing pieces are because of my husband’s shortcomings or because what I want specifically, men in general aren’t capable of.

I also wonder how exploring my sexuality would affect my feelings/desire. I suspect that experiencing a woman would increase my desire...dramatically!

I suspect it would increase my desire as well and that scares the shit out of me.

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1 hour ago, MarriedBi said:

I’m somebody that needs to understand the “why” about everything. It’s really annoying. 

I am the same. And because of this I drive some people in certain situations crazy. I know it but can't help it and I am grateful for them being patient enough 

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46 minutes ago, MarriedBi said:

I think I’m fulfilled in my marriage as much as I can be with a man. I wonder too if my desire would fade after being with a woman. I also am terrified that it would increase. I’m not emotionally ready for what comes with that so when the hubs said he wasn’t ok with me exploring this side of me (right now) I was ok with that. 

Terrified of the same thing!I realized or admitted that I am not bi and that's the main reason.I don't know if I'll be able to control it as I do now. Tho if I want to be honest I already know the answer. 

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1 hour ago, kairi said:

Terrified of the same thing!I realized or admitted that I am not bi and that's the main reason.I don't know if I'll be able to control it as I do now. Tho if I want to be honest I already know the answer. 

If you don’t mind me asking; what’s holding you back? 

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49 minutes ago, SioRan said:

Don't get me wrong, I do feel sad that you and probably many married women on this site are not feeling entirely fulfilled. On the other hand it makes me realise why not only I am single, but why I don't feel that I could marry a man and live happily ever after with one.

You suspect that experiencing a woman would increase your desire? I suspect it definitely would!  xx

It’s great that you realize that you probably couldn’t marry a man and live happily ever after with one. I don’t speak for all the married women here, but what many of us have in common is that we DID think we could marry a man and live happy ever after.

Some of us didn’t have these intense bisexual desires before marriage, some did but society pressured them to keep it hidden. I think most women here would agree that they’d felt a certain curiosity or attraction towards women early on, but for many (like myself) it wasn’t profound, it never felt like it was a significant part of my sexuality.

But then this strange phenomenon happens, one gets married and perhaps has children, and then, BAM...hits you like a ton of bricks. No one knows WHY that happens...why have such a ‘sexual awakening’ NOW? Of course there are theories, and we create our own theories, but it doesn’t change the fact that we are in a less than ideal situation. 

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1 hour ago, MarriedBi said:

I suspect it would increase my desire as well and that scares the shit out of me.

Scares the shit out of me too, given the position I am in. I’m not afraid of having feelings for a woman, I’m just afraid of how those feelings would affect my marriage. There’s a lot on the line.

Scares the shit out of my husband even more, which is why he’s absolutely against me exploring those feelings in any way. 

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7 hours ago, MarriedBi said:

So the last month or so since really exploring my mind and feelings towards women and after reading so so much on this forum. I’ve come up with a theory. I believe women are so much more open to being bisexual because we don’t get nurtured by our male counterparts like we crave as humans. Females inherently are more nurturing (of course there are exceptions) and I think since we give so much of ourselves we are looking for somebody else to reciprocate that nurturing. I think this is why so many women crave and desire a sexual relationship with their best friend. I feel like me and my best friend nurture and support each other. And at times wonder if a sexual relationship will develop naturally out of the closeness we share. Shit we have matching tattoos. 

Is this just lacking in my marriage? Anybody else feel this way? 

Sorry if this has been discussed before. 

I can relate to that well. My lady friend (psst friend) have matching tats as well. My ex husband was never cuddly or sensual in any way.  I do think it had a big influence on it all. But it did open up my mind and it taught me so much. I'm very grateful for the experience. No man have ever given me such intimacy as she did. Now i crave that. 

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31 minutes ago, Cute&Curious said:

Scares the shit out of me too, given the position I am in. I’m not afraid of having feelings for a woman, I’m just afraid of how those feelings would affect my marriage. There’s a lot on the line.

Scares the shit out of my husband even more, which is why he’s absolutely against me exploring those feelings in any way. 

Mine too. Hopefully as time moves on they’ll both change their minds. 

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3 hours ago, MarriedBi said:

I’m somebody that needs to understand the “why” about everything. It’s really annoying. 

I've asked myself that question for over 20 years. Lol 

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1 hour ago, MarriedBi said:

If you don’t mind me asking; what’s holding you back? 

Me! when I joined I knew I liked women.I was trying to decide if I would act on it. I wasn't ready then for different reasons.  I mean it's not that I've never been with a woman. It's been years,  before I got married but then I suppressed everything and did what was expected from me. I had a real bad crush on a woman two years ago and everything came to surface again so  I decided that I won't suppress it anymore.Then,  while here I realized I fall more on the Gay side . And this the part that terrifies me! I know myself and I know that when I'll be with a woman it won't be just sex. I need the emotional or connection  part too at least the way I perceive each .I know that I won't be able to just go back and pretend and I have people depending on me and commitments I made but I decided that I'll do it anyway and deal with everything after. 

I covered you?  :P

It's also the reason I am reluctant to search here in my country but can't hide forever. Can we?  

Also I am someone with big control over my emotions and actions all my life. But in some occasions this doesn't even exists!!! 

Edited by kairi
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I think it's different for the one's who know they are Bi from young.  I had no idea until my early 30's. I think I've always been Bi but my brain was programmed not to think of anything like that. Wasn't until something happened that the penny dropped. 

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1 hour ago, Vampire said:

I can relate to that well. My lady friend (psst friend) have matching tats as well. My ex husband was never cuddly or sensual in any way.  I do think it had a big influence on it all. But it did open up my mind and it taught me so much. I'm very grateful for the experience. No man have ever given me such intimacy as she did. Now i crave that. 

We are only friends. We’ve never kissed even. But sometimes I just wonder if there’s more. It’s a very close intimate friendship that’s for sure. 

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It's an interesting theory.  I will say that my crushes and my friendships have rarely overlapped.  I have one friend that I had a drunken makeout session with many years ago, but I've never really wanted anything more than friendship from her.  The couple of friends I've crushed on, I've crushed on from the beginning, and it's either faded over time into our friendship or the friendship eventually ended (my first crush when I was 14, for example).

I dated some men who were really tender-hearted and genuinely good guys who are probably fulfilling for their straight wives now.  But I am more on the homo end of the spectrum (pretty far over, in my case), and being with a woman is just so much more fulfilling in so many ways.

I will say that I felt growing up that ALL girls must feel like I do, craving that closeness with certain female friends.  But it turns out straight women don't think like this.  It's possible you're more on the gay end of the spectrum as well, at least romantically.

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Interesting. I am more physically attracted to women than men but I can’t imagine being married to a woman or in a serious relationship. I like the simplicity of men in that way. They’re easy to keep happy really. Well at least my husband is. Or was. I suspect he’s not real pleased with me at the moment. 

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1 hour ago, MarriedBi said:

Interesting. I am more physically attracted to women than men but I can’t imagine being married to a woman or in a serious relationship. I like the simplicity of men in that way. They’re easy to keep happy really. Well at least my husband is. Or was. I suspect he’s not real pleased with me at the moment. 

I'm pretty much 50/50. Just love a masculine body and a gorgeous female bod as well. Physically I'm attracted to either. I could go into a serious relationship with either, no problem, but I don't think I will ever marry again. A woman has the softness, tenderness and the emotional connection I crave. I've never had that with a man. If I'd meet the right man, it may have been different. I do wonder that. But things happen for a reason. I'm hoping there is a woman out there who is waiting for me, If not, well I'm glad that I've loved once. 

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Thanks for starting this discussion, @MarriedBi. In my situation, I think you are absolutely right.  While I crave sex with either gender right now (I’ve only ever been with my husband), more than anything I desire intimacy and comfort.

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