lostgirl78

Back again....And I need some real advice!

76 posts in this topic

Hey ladies!

I am an older member, meaning I’ve been on the site for several years now. I tend to come and go. I haven’t been actively on for about a year now. But here I am again, struggling with my thoughts and emotions, and just needing some advice and support. 

A little background since most of you on here don’t know me. I’m married and have kids. My husband knows I’m bi and has never really been okay with it. I came out to him many years after we were married. Mostly because I was in denial myself. A while back I cheated on my husband with a woman. We are still together but he is still not over it. Since then I’ve been trying to be the good, devoted wife. But I’m not happy. And I know that part of the reason I’m not happy, among other things, is that I still want a woman in my life. My kids are younger, and I don’t want to destroy our family and leave my husband just so I can give in to these desires. But I also don’t know if I can live like this for the rest of my life. Always wanting something I can’t have. Always being scrutinized. Never being trusted to have any friendships with either men or women. Even at work. Never having a life of my own. Never again feeling the loving, soft, sensual touch of a woman. 

What I wish I could have, and know I never could, is for my husband to be okay with me having a female fwb. But since that isn’t a possibility, I’m stuck fantasizing about it, and driving myself crazy! What do I do? How do any of you that are married to men, deal with it? Sometimes the desire is so strong that I find myself thinking about cheating again. (I know that sounds horrible) Does anyone have any insight or advice to offer me? 

Edited by lostgirl78
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I can relate to this...like a lot. I know how terribly difficult it can be living with that particular struggle. I’m not sure there’s such thing as ‘good’ advice in this situation, I suppose it’s just about following your own instincts. Only you can determine what’s best for you, no two situations are exactly the same. I do have more personal opinions that I could share, but don’t really want to get too far into it here...feel free to PM me

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54 minutes ago, Cute&Curious said:

I can relate to this...like a lot. I know how terribly difficult it can be living with that particular struggle. I’m not sure there’s such thing as ‘good’ advice in this situation, I suppose it’s just about following your own instincts. Only you can determine what’s best for you, no two situations are exactly the same. I do have more personal opinions that I could share, but don’t really want to get too far into it here...feel free to PM me

I would appreciate any input you have on this, actually. Will you PM me with your thoughts?

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I can also relate to this situation, except I haven't told my husband.  I have thought about telling him many times, but knowing him like I do, I know I would be questioned and also scrutinized on everything I do and I won't live that way... My children are older now, but when they were younger I struggled so much with feelings, attractions etc. For me it was more of putting my children first, rationalizing that it won't be forever and I would just bide my time.  Now the time is drawing closer as my youngest will be graduating soon.  I agree with what has already been said here, everyone's situation is different, I think you can only do what you can sleep with at night... if it bothers you that you are stepping outside the marriage, it seems to me you would be exchanging one agony for another one.  If it is something you can live with and getting your needs met and still  stay in the marriage there is that choice. Also I do think it is easier to live a life what you aren't being scrutinized that might be a big part of what you are feeling too.  I think it may take some soul searching on your part on how you want to handle it, I think some good advice right now is look at your options, weigh them against the other and really think it through...  I hope things get better for you very soon. 

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You know my thoughts on this friend.  I hope things work out for you whatever you decide.  You deserve happiness, always remember that!

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Girl. Friend.

STILL?

Sigh.

So he is STILL punishing you.  You’re not happy.  You don’t feel like he trusts you.  Has anything improved?  Is there any indication that it will?

What is a relationship without trust?  He is driving you to do exactly what he continues to accuse you of.  It gets to a point of, well, I keep getting treated like I’m cheating, I might as well.

Do you think you would be happy with only a woman?  What would be your ideal?

Children don’t thrive in an unhappy household.  I can tell you firsthand about how kids are when their parents are happier apart.  It’s way better.  And I am SOOOOO much happier.

Shoot me a PM- we are LONG overdue for a catch up session!

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1 hour ago, BiTriMama said:

Girl. Friend.

STILL?

Sigh.

So he is STILL punishing you.  You’re not happy.  You don’t feel like he trusts you.  Has anything improved?  Is there any indication that it will?

What is a relationship without trust?  He is driving you to do exactly what he continues to accuse you of.  It gets to a point of, well, I keep getting treated like I’m cheating, I might as well.

Do you think you would be happy with only a woman?  What would be your ideal?

Children don’t thrive in an unhappy household.  I can tell you firsthand about how kids are when their parents are happier apart.  It’s way better.  And I am SOOOOO much happier.

Shoot me a PM- we are LONG overdue for a catch up session!

Yes. STILL. Sometimes I feel like it’s getting better, then it goes right back. It’s like two steps forward and four steps back.  I just don’t know anymore. We are supposed to be working on being together. But it’s not really “good”. I don’t know if the trust will ever return. And probably for good reason since I’m constantly thinking about being with a woman again. 

I’ll PM you when I can. 

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2 hours ago, Fun said:

You know my thoughts on this friend.  I hope things work out for you whatever you decide.  You deserve happiness, always remember that!

Thank you hun! I know we talk a lot about this. And I very much appreciate your friendship and your advice!! Xoxo

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I can't tell you to stay or go as I'm just a stranger on the internet but I will say that you talk about destroying your family, however - kids know when their parents aren't happy. They know when you're not getting along. They will pick up on it, so if things are really that bad, you need to decide whether it's better to cause some upheaval and stress short term or keep you and your kids in an unhappy environment just for the sake of maintaining normality. 

I hope everything works out for you!

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Thank you all for your responses. I’m not asking if I should leave my husband or not. I know that that’s a question only I can answer. I guess I’m asking how anyone can manage being in a maogomous relationship when you have these desires to be with both sexes? 

Edited by lostgirl78
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This thread feels like me as well so will follow.  If you can fantasize about women (well a woman) too much I am there.  And yes I question my marriage over it but we are working on it.  Your husband sounds even less accepting than mine!  I feel for you.  Good luck!

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On 3/10/2018 at 4:09 PM, JESV said:

This thread feels like me as well so will follow.  If you can fantasize about women (well a woman) too much I am there.  And yes I question my marriage over it but we are working on it.  Your husband sounds even less accepting than mine!  I feel for you.  Good luck!

Thank you. It’s been a struggle. When I first came out to myself, I did to him as well. He wasn’t okay because he thought I wanted to leave him for a woman. He was afraid I was a lesbian, not bi. I tried to reassure him. I even said I wanted my first experience with a woman to be with him. As a threesome. (I know most women on here are very against that) He would go back and forth. One day saying he’s up for it, then the next being very insecure. It created a huge wedge between us. I felt I couldn’t talk to him. After that he became very distant and upsupportive in every aspect of my life. I became depressed and that’s eventually what caused me to cheat. The need for affection. 

Since then he has been very untrusting and insecure about every single friend I make. Even new work relationships. So needless to say, we don’t talk about it. AT ALL! 

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On 3/10/2018 at 0:55 PM, lostgirl78 said:

Thank you all for your responses. I’m not asking if I should leave my husband or not. I know that that’s a question only I can answer. I guess I’m asking how anyone can manage being in a maogomous relationship when you have these desires to be with both sexes? 

I think some of us are more inherently monogamous than others, and when you're in a happy and fulfilling relationship, if that's the case, then that can be enough.  While I missed being with women, I didn't crave it when I was happy in a relationship with a guy, even though I have since realized I am gay.  I went a really long time without it being on the forefront of my mind, partly because I was in a couple of really good relationships with good guys who treated me well.  I think that it makes a difference when your primary relationship is more stable.  But it also probably makes a difference when you're married and it feels like it can NEVER happen at that point.  Even in the first years of my marriage, while I did crave a woman, I didn't feel like it was at all possible.  I don't know how it would have looked several years down the road, had he not brought it up.

Now, some people are NOT so inherently monogamous, which is fine, and that's something to explore from within.

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2 hours ago, lostgirl78 said:

Thank you. It’s been a struggle. When I first came out to myself, I did to him as well. He wasn’t okay because he thought I wanted to leave him for a woman. He was afraid I was a lesbian, not bi. I tried to reassure him. I even said I wanted my first experience with a woman to be with him. As a threesome. (I know most women on here are very against that) He would go back and forth. One day saying he’s up for it, then the next being very insecure. It created a huge wedge between us. I felt I couldn’t talk to him. After that he became very distant and upsupportive in every aspect of my life. I became depressed and that’s eventually what caused me to cheat. The need for affection. 

Since then he has been very untrusting and insecure about every single friend I make. Even new work relationships. So needless to say, we don’t talk about it. AT ALL! 

So sorry about all of this.  My hubby is back and forth as well.  But good at the moment until IF n WHEN I ever bonded anyway with a woman.  You try marriage conselling?  Or think it might be over.  Feel free to message me if venting will help lol!

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On 3/10/2018 at 5:42 AM, lostgirl78 said:

Hey ladies!

I am an older member, meaning I’ve been on the site for several years now. I tend to come and go. I haven’t been actively on for about a year now. But here I am again, struggling with my thoughts and emotions, and just needing some advice and support. 

A little background since most of you on here don’t know me. I’m married and have kids. My husband knows I’m bi and has never really been okay with it. I came out to him many years after we were married. Mostly because I was in denial myself. A while back I cheated on my husband with a woman. We are still together but he is still not over it. Since then I’ve been trying to be the good, devoted wife. But I’m not happy. And I know that part of the reason I’m not happy, among other things, is that I still want a woman in my life. My kids are younger, and I don’t want to destroy our family and leave my husband just so I can give in to these desires. But I also don’t know if I can live like this for the rest of my life. Always wanting something I can’t have. Always being scrutinized. Never being trusted to have any friendships with either men or women. Even at work. Never having a life of my own. Never again feeling the loving, soft, sensual touch of a woman. 

What I wish I could have, and know I never could, is for my husband to be okay with me having a female fwb. But since that isn’t a possibility, I’m stuck fantasizing about it, and driving myself crazy! What do I do? How do any of you that are married to men, deal with it? Sometimes the desire is so strong that I find myself thinking about cheating again. (I know that sounds horrible) Does anyone have any insight or advice to offer me? 

I can really relate to this. I'm now single but i still don't and can't get a woman. If i were you, try and float along with it for now as your kids won't always be kids. Kids also know when their parents aren't happy. I stayed in a loveless marriage for ages but ended up with an auto immune complaint from being under stress consistntly. I also cheated on my, then husband, (unintentionaly). I ended the affair quick as i had my marriage and kids which was priority. My husband never knew and will never know as he would have Shot us both if he knew. It was our secret and I've had to live with that guilt for years. Our divorce had nothing to do with her. To this day I'm still single. I still fall for people i can't have. Hang in there it wont be forever. Something will work out when the time is right. Hugs xx

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7 hours ago, lostgirl78 said:

Thank you. It’s been a struggle. When I first came out to myself, I did to him as well. He wasn’t okay because he thought I wanted to leave him for a woman. He was afraid I was a lesbian, not bi. I tried to reassure him. I even said I wanted my first experience with a woman to be with him. As a threesome. (I know most women on here are very against that) He would go back and forth. One day saying he’s up for it, then the next being very insecure. It created a huge wedge between us. I felt I couldn’t talk to him. After that he became very distant and upsupportive in every aspect of my life. I became depressed and that’s eventually what caused me to cheat. The need for affection. 

Since then he has been very untrusting and insecure about every single friend I make. Even new work relationships. So needless to say, we don’t talk about it. AT ALL! 

I could have written this myself...my husband immediately jumped to the conclusion that I am lesbian and will leave him for a woman. Distant, unsupportive, untrusting, insecure, inability to talk about it....my husband’s reaction to a tee. Except mine hasn’t gone back and forth, he’s been that way from the moment I came out to him.

I hope you find a way to get through it, it’s emotionally and mentally exhausting :(

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hey there - i could have written much of your post as well....i have my own insight (feel free to go back and read some of my earlier posts) or just PM me.  i have learned and experienced and processed a lot on the topic  (i also still struggle greatly).... but may have some insight or can lend some thoughts based on my experiences.  

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18 minutes ago, TBD78 said:

hey there - i could have written much of your post as well....i have my own insight (feel free to go back and read some of my earlier posts) or just PM me.  i have learned and experienced and processed a lot on the topic  (i also still struggle greatly).... but may have some insight or can lend some thoughts based on my experiences.  

I wouldn’t mind some of that insight :ashamed0005:

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@lostgirl78 - Much of what you're saying demonstrates something that is common to quite a few women here on Shy, and that is the struggle to live with what I would describe as 'male tyranny' within heterosexual marriage. The term 'tyranny' may seem extreme, but it indicates oppressive, unreasonable and cruel behaviour, and the arbitrary use of power or control, all of which apply very well to the self-pitying, paranoid and bullying actions of husbands who have a very negative reaction to the revelation that their wife is bisexual. To make matters worse. the typical response of a woman in this type of situation is to make excuses for her husband, and feel sorry for him, and to blame herself. This is due not only to the maternal nature of women, but also to societal conditioning to be self-sacrificing, and often also to both subtle and overt manipulation by her husband. 

You said:

On 3/9/2018 at 7:42 PM, lostgirl78 said:

My husband knows I’m bi and has never really been okay with it. I came out to him many years after we were married. Mostly because I was in denial myself.

Just as in wider society a person's sexuality is not, in reality, subject to the approval of others, so your bisexuality isn't subject to your husband's approval. You had the courage and decency to trust him and come out after you had married him, which was the best you could do, as you had been in denial previously, and his response was to make your disclosure all about himself and his own insecurities, and to let you know it, which laid the foundation for future controlling behaviour, and ultimately bullying. 

On 3/9/2018 at 7:42 PM, lostgirl78 said:

A while back I cheated on my husband with a woman. We are still together but he is still not over it. Since then I’ve been trying to be the good, devoted wife. But I’m not happy.

 

On 3/9/2018 at 7:42 PM, lostgirl78 said:

But I also don’t know if I can live like this for the rest of my life. ...Always being scrutinized. Never being trusted to have any friendships with either men or women. Even at work. Never having a life of my own. 

While it's never a great idea to cheat, it happens all the time, for all sorts of reasons, and if you decide to stay together for the long haul, then you need to let go of your guilt (if you're still holding on to it), and your husband really needs to make every effort to get over what happened and move on, otherwise there's no point continuing in the marriage. The insecurity-driven scrutinizing is a form of bullying that appears to have caused you to try to pretend to be 'the good devoted wife' (a sexist stereotype of how a woman should behave in the context of hetero marriage), while your husband apparently doesn't feel the need to be 'the good devoted' husband and try to understand your sexuality. 

On 3/9/2018 at 7:42 PM, lostgirl78 said:

My kids are younger, and I don’t want to destroy our family and leave my husband just so I can give in to these desires.

As stated by some of the other members who've contributed to this thread, above, children don't thrive, and in fact, suffer from living in an unhappy household, so your attempt at self-sacrifice may backfire. (I have seen this happen in a major way in my childhood home, and my brother and I still talk about it 40 years later.) What does 'destroying' your family actually mean? Will that happen only if you decide to leave your husband, or could it be happening now anyway, because he is continuing to tyrannize you, and you are dreadfully unhappy? You aren't the only person responsible for the marriage and your family life - your husband is too - so try not to shoulder that entire responsibility, and, if possible, hold him to account for his actions. 

On 3/9/2018 at 7:42 PM, lostgirl78 said:

...I know that part of the reason I’m not happy, among other things, is that I still want a woman in my life. ...I also don’t know if I can live like this for the rest of my life. Always wanting something I can’t have. ...Never having a life of my own. Never again feeling the loving, soft, sensual touch of a woman. 

What I wish I could have, and know I never could, is for my husband to be okay with me having a female fwb. But since that isn’t a possibility, I’m stuck fantasizing about it, and driving myself crazy! What do I do? ...Sometimes the desire is so strong that I find myself thinking about cheating again. 

This is clearly a very candid and heartfelt statement, and is really the crystalization of not only your dilemma but that of many women here on Shy and in the married female bisexual community at large. Further, the fact that you've 'tasted the forbidden fruit', so to speak, makes it all the more difficult... So, what can you do?

This is the inherent problem with traditional marriage - people change over time, so the person you marry will probably not be exactly the same person, with the same needs, desires and aspirations, in years to come, and sometimes this means that their sexuality is no longer the same, or they realize, as in your case, that they were never strictly heterosexual to begin with. This is a matter of personal identity (who you are), and therefore human rights (this may sound extreme, but it's true). You have the right to be who you are, and no one, not even your husband, is entitled to deny you that right. 

So, this may sound harsh, but if you and your husband decide to continue to be married, then he will need to accept that he must respect you as a person, and therefore that your sexuality isn't subject to his approval. He will also need to stop pressuring and bullying you, to attempt to control you and contain your sexuality - which is classic abusive behaviour - using the self-indulgent excuse that he hasn't gotten over your affair. 

Your need to be able to have a relationship with a woman is another issue, and of course your husband doesn't have to consent to be in an open or polyamorous marriage, so that you can see women. If he won't, then you'll need to decide on the most appropriate way to proceed, and if having a woman in your life is that important to you, you may need to leave the marriage. Some women wait it out until their children are older, and some don't, and leave to be with a woman (or women). I know women who fall into each of those categories, and it's never easy either way, but in any case it's extremely important to be in control of your own life, and not allow someone else (in this case your husband) to take that from you. 

Either way, your husband isn't entitled to oppress or control you, and provided that there's no perceived serious danger in doing so (i.e. physical abuse; serious mental/emotional abuse), you need to try to speak to him about that, with a view to working through it. However, if you are afraid to do so because you actually fear his reaction, or feel that the situation you are in is actually seriously abusive, or could become that way, then seek professional advice as soon as you can. Remember - no one has to put up with tyranny in the home. 

I wish you well...

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5 hours ago, Cute&Curious said:

I wouldn’t mind some of that insight :ashamed0005:

PM me...i am full of new found wisdom :)

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1 hour ago, TBD78 said:

PM me...i am full of new found wisdom :)

@TBD78 - You should write a novel... It would be a best-seller! :D

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3 hours ago, BenedettaC said:

@TBD78 - You should write a novel... It would be a best-seller! :D

awe shucks - the story goes on :))

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I have no opinion on how one deals with the fallout after coming out and being found out. Or what needs to happen for one to decide to stay in or leave a marriage.  

But you had a question: how do other married women cope? 

This might make it seem like I have very flexible morals and am a generally shitty person because... I went there... the cheating route. But only after months... Actually YEARS of anxiety and telling myself I can't. 

Background: I've been married for 12 years to a good guy, but we have issues. Im a closet bi and bipolar, he is not all that into sex, he is a typical guy with little emotional awareness, and zero appetite for confrontation (withdraws from anything uncomfortable). We  have a 3yo and a 6yo. I'm committed to my marriage, and committed to working on our issues. 

But still, Im cheating. 

In my experience, I had to first make peace with the fact that I'm going to cheat, that I need this, that everything I believed about cheating was far too black and white, and that this was the only option I had if I wanted to stay sane and married. I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm still the same person as always, even if I finally do the awful, but inevitable.

How did I deal? Therapy. 'Cause I needed to talk and did not want to drag anyone down into my mess.  

What held me back from stepping over the line was what I thought he would think. What I thought I would think if I were him. In other words what *I* thought. I actually have no idea what he would think, and you know what, he will have to think what he wants when he finds out. It's hard to switch empathy off when it comes to this matter, but its my only option. 

I realise I'm making a decision that affects us both. He does not have a choice in this matter. I too have to deal with stuff I did not really have a choice in. I did not really know I was bi when I married him, or I would have told him. I've tried to tell him many times, but he does not want to hear it. Hell, if I could, I'd choose not to be bi. 

My long distance relationship with my girlfriend is such that it does not require careful day to day management. I dont have to sneak around most days of my life. My husband knows about my "friend" and that we are "close". Its relatively innocuous when my marriage is considered.

I was very up front with my girlfriend about my situation and the implications for her and for us. I gave her the opportunity to leave. She did not. I love her for it. I don't know what I did before I had her. She is the other love of my life. 

Having her, but not quite having her be part of my life,  is hard. The early part of our relationship was hard because I was so terribly in love, but I couldn't tell anyone. Was it not for my husband's lack of emotional awareness, I probably would not have gotten away with it. Leaving her after our magical time together, was incredibly hard. I was in a semi depressed state for about three months, trying to come to terms with the fact that I cannot have what I so desperately want. I had to realise that what I have with her, is what it is and it is enough in and of itself. Now the relationship is hard, because I crave her EVERY.SINGLE.DAY and I don't know when I'll get to see her again. But at least I have her to talk to, lots of good memories, and the hope that stars will align so that we can see each other again. 

A year ago I did not imagine that there was a way for me to not feel totally trapped. I felt I was selfish for wanting my cake and wanting to eat it. But I found a not ideal way out of a not ideal situation.

Maybe you can too. 

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Aside from the guilt that often accompanies cheating, it also comes with risks...it’s a hell of a lot harder to get away with when your husband knows you’re bisexual/curious, even more so if he knows you’ve taken it upon yourself to ‘indulge’ previously, because now he has this level of paranoia and suspicion. 

But I agree with @treelover123, while there may not be an ideal solution, there just might be a less than ideal way to deal with a less than ideal situation. That doesn’t necessarily have to amount to cheating, it’s really a matter of finding a way to balance what you can live with vs. what you can’t live without.

 

 

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12 hours ago, TBD78 said:

awe shucks - the story goes on :))

Long may it continue! :)

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