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ali32

Came "out" to husband...now what?

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Hi all. It has been quite a while since I posted here...I needed to tell my husband about my being bi before feeling right about talking to other people about it. I recently took that plunge. He was shocked, but after reassuring him that I am still committed to our marriage and family he warmed up to the idea.

Now I have a new hurdle...how to break the news that this is a part of myself that I have not explored and would very much like to, while still being totally committed to him. I know there are lots of you ladies making this type of arrangement work, how did you ask your husbands for that freedom? How did they respond? Is it fair to expect him to NOT be with other women if he grants me the opportunity to explore? So many questions....thanks in advance.

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Congratulations for being brave! Telling your husband about who you are is a good start. Reassurance and communication for me are two primary key things that work for my husband. Secondary, is making sure that he's getting something in bed! LOL.

I communicate with him what he only needs to know, i.e when there's a woman that I am pursuing or being serious about of having a romantic relationship. If it's only flirting, crush, a simple touch and kiss from a random encounter  or even spotting a prospect, I don't tell. I've learned a lesson from the first time I told him the first woman I went out with for movie and dinner and his anxiety level went up to the ceiling. He was not ready, yet, to deal with me dating. I did not consider that even if he said that he was accepting and understanding, he was still processing everything. I had to abandon the pursuit to make him feel secured. Afterwards, we talk more about my sexuality and what I want to do with it. I gauge his readiness before I broach any new topic each time we talk.. He has become accustomed to my ease of conversing with him about it. He has realised that I'm really up for it and it's a just a matter of time and chance that I'm going to have a relationship with a woman. We talked about expectations, boundaries and compromises, not in full detail but just enough to touch the subject matter to give him a picture of how I am going to handle the situation. Knowing my husband, if he sees in me that I am not sure in what I'm doing (why do I want to do it, how to handle a situation when certain crisis arises) and I cannot answer some of his challenging questions, then he loses confidence and usually tells me to re-think things and don't go for it. It makes sense, doesn't it? So far, I've convinced him that I am full of sense, too. LOL! 

Reassurance. To reassure your husband about your commitment with him and the family is a must ONLY if this is what you really feel doing. You cannot reassure a man completely if a part of you is not certain about your feelings for him. Do you still love him as a man and wife? Are you still attracted to him in bed? Are you still happy as a wife? These are things you should ask for yourself. Be honest to yourself and if you said yes to all, without difficulty you'll be able to reassure your husband without hesitation and  fear. It will be all natural coming out from you. No pressure. No extra effort to make him feel secured. Your husband will feel it if you are genuine. This is my experience and I do not speak for all women. Each person is different. . My husband, first of all, is a secured man. I'm glad for that. He acknowledged that I love him 100% and that this other part of me is nothing to do with the part of me that loves him. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm not explaining myself well. I said to him that maybe I'm 70% hetero and 30% homo. I did this because it's better to make him understand using numbers. The whole 70% of me is completely his therefore the whole of me being hetero is his. One day, he told me that he's sorry for me. He's completely happy with me as his wife and mother of his child and couldn't ask anything more. He said that I should reach my maximum potential. LOL! I don't take it as an encouragement. It's his own observation regarding my happiness. 

Even if my husband is giving me my freedom, I am fully aware that he's not immune to feel anxious about it. That's why it's important to check his emotional and coping level from time to time even if I'm not telling him anything yet. I haven't met the woman who's serious to have what I want..so I haven't really told him serious stuff yet. 

Your sexuality is one thing. Open marriage is another. If your husband suggests to open the marriage since in his mind, you're getting extra and he's not, then you've got to really think and ask yourself why he would think that way. I asked my husband once if he wanted to open the marriage because of the same sentiment, but he said that it's only me he wanted, that he didn't have a reason to look for another. 

I hope this helps a bit. All the best!

Edited by blueberry
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@blueberry...this is very insightful and very helpful. I can honestly answer yes to whether my commitment is to my husband...I cannot imagine a life without him in it. But this deep seeded need to explore with women interferes with my ability to give him what he needs sometimes, it's like the thoughts are so consuming that I have nothing left to give him in the bedroom. Don't know if that resonates with you or anyone else but that is the best way I can explain it.

The 70/30 explanation makes a lot of sense to me. The hetero in me is 100% his, in terms of men he is all I want and need. What I am missing is something he absolutely just cannot provide...ya know what I mean? Lol...

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@ali32 this so me.  I told my hubby about a year ago.....as only realized it myself.  He was not happy and still questions me.  He doesnt understand.  He asked me the other day "Is the reason you play hockey is so you can see women in the dressing room." I was like WTF - no - I love hockey n started when I was 5.  Then the other night he asked "you sure this isnt a phase?".  NO!! Just stuff like that.  We are going to try a marriage consellor - I love him; he is my best friend.  He loves me as well - too much sometimes! He does have OCD so that plays a huge part in him overthinking everything and not trusting me.  If I ever found someone (the one I want is unattainable as she is my boss and I assume she is hetero) I hope to explore.  But I do not want to open up the marriage unless if at that time I find a woman I can take the next step with and I HAVE to to let it happen.  But he says he doesnt want anyone else.  So why would I?  Its hard.  He is more open about things today (as he said he would accept a threesome when a year ago that was a solid no but I am not into that!) so progress.  If you wanna message me feel free as it sounds like we are kind of in the same boat sk might be nice to talk to someone about it as I am too scared to tell the few friends I have as scared they will look at me differently!!

@blueberry thanks for your post.  I will be taking that into consideration for stuff! I like the number thing and I should use that next time we talk and he is open :)

 

 

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There are a few points I want to make on this topic.

First, I highly recommend reading The Ethical Slut by Dossie Eaton.  Don't be put off by the title!  It's a really awesome book if you're even kind of considering something outside of monogamy, and it would be good for both of you to read it and discuss.

Next, this can actually do really good things for your marriage if you approach it the right way, and especially for your sex life!  If you're feeling fulfilled and getting this need met, chances are he will notice you're more present and excited in the bedroom.  You'll probably want him more and love him more for giving you this freedom, and you'll be all over him!

There are two schools of thought, one is that if you get to date someone else, he should have the same freedom, and gender doesn't matter.  Then there's the school of thought that by simply being a guy, he cannot meet certain needs, and he wouldn't have the same unmet needs unless he, too, was bi and craving a guy, thus it is only fair that you get to date others, but only women.  I definitely fall into the latter group, unless two people want to have a totally open marriage and you can both date whomever you want, but I don't think it would be fair for a guy to then limit his wife to women only in that case.  But I digress.  Be prepared for a potential argument over this one, especially if he feels shafted. 

My ex-GF and I had an arrangement where she would date guys casually (not a curiosity thing, but I understand I can't meet needs a guy can), but at one time she met a woman, and I was NOT okay with that.  She tried to give me the freedom to date women, but as soon as she heard I was on Tinder (which for me, didn't mean a single thing), she hit the roof.  Her dating guys went okay until it didn't.  She started seeing a guy about a year in and let that become more important than our relationship, and this became a huge factor in the ending of our relationship.  I had voiced my concerns, and she literally did NOTHING about the situation (I have some old posts here about the whole thing).  I think most people aren't that selfish, but learn from her mistakes!

Before that, I was married to a guy who knew going into the relationship with me that I was interested in women, and a few years in, he offered me a one-time pass, but that wasn't something that really appealed to me or felt right.  I'm not someone who's into a one-time thing.  He wasn't okay with a relationship unless he was involved.  Now, he's a manipulative person, so this situation is probably more the exception than the rule, but he used the whole situation to create a lot of drama and manipulate the hell out of me.  But during the good times, I was definitely more sexual with him as a result, and felt closer to him for giving me at least the ability to date this woman with him.

Use those cautionary tales as lessons.  A lot of the stuff that went down was covered in the book I mentioned above.  You can't mitigate for all of the possibilities, but that book can help you avoid a lot of the common mistakes.  It can also help you start the conversation.  Feel free to PM me if you'd like, or ask whatever here, as I have been on both sides of this equation.

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I second The Ethical Slut. Me and my husband are currently reading it and it has opened up amazing discussion. I would still say so far we are wanting to keep our marriage closed but the book is making me think of the why behind that decision and it’s making it feel more like a decision and not just a social expectation. 

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Hi Ali, the part about him being your best friend and fulfilling all your hetro needs but you still wanting something more that he can’t give you, sounds like something I wrote not too long ago!!

My husband has known about my being bicurious for some time now but just last year I brought it up again in a way that conveyed to him that I was serious and that I still think about it. His response left me even more stressed and frustrated! He said he wouldn’t be able to handle it but knows that I’m my own person so I should be able to do whatever I want to do. Therefore, if I found a woman that I was attracted to, I’d have to keep it to myself and not share with him. So in a way I have his blessing but I’d have to lie to enjoy this new experience. 

Needless to say, I still haven’t been with a woman. Partly because I haven’t found anyone and partly because of his half ass openness to it :) 

Not sure if my sharing helps you but as you can see, there are so many of us out here with such similar situations!

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@khichihouvan keep talking to him. He may just be scared. My very best friend gave me some great advice. She said “you’ve been dealing with this for years. He just started dealing with it. Be patient.” This is helped me a lot because I was quite shocked when I realized I was really attracted to women. 

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On 3/23/2018 at 10:22 PM, khichihouvan said:

Hi Ali, the part about him being your best friend and fulfilling all your hetro needs but you still wanting something more that he can’t give you, sounds like something I wrote not too long ago!!

My husband has known about my being bicurious for some time now but just last year I brought it up again in a way that conveyed to him that I was serious and that I still think about it. His response left me even more stressed and frustrated! He said he wouldn’t be able to handle it but knows that I’m my own person so I should be able to do whatever I want to do. Therefore, if I found a woman that I was attracted to, I’d have to keep it to myself and not share with him. So in a way I have his blessing but I’d have to lie to enjoy this new experience. 

Needless to say, I still haven’t been with a woman. Partly because I haven’t found anyone and partly because of his half ass openness to it :) 

Not sure if my sharing helps you but as you can see, there are so many of us out here with such similar situations!

Check out Don't Ask Don't Tell arrangements.  There are actually a lot of people who do this, where it's okay, but you need to cover your tracks and not be obvious about it.  It's often with people who know that they struggle with jealousy or whatever.  But know that there ARE people out there with this arrangement, making it work.

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On 2018-03-26 at 7:38 AM, BiTriMama said:

Check out Don't Ask Don't Tell arrangements.  There are actually a lot of people who do this, where it's okay, but you need to cover your tracks and not be obvious about it.  It's often with people who know that they struggle with jealousy or whatever.  But know that there ARE people out there with this arrangement, making it work.

That’s so interesting! Where would I find more info on that? 

Thanks!

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2 hours ago, khichihouvan said:

That’s so interesting! Where would I find more info on that? 

Thanks!

You can do some Google searches on it.  I know that The Ethical Slut covers it some, and Dan Savage has some columns and podcasts that discuss it.  

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On 2018-03-23 at 10:58 PM, MarriedBi said:

@khichihouvan keep talking to him. He may just be scared. My very best friend gave me some great advice. She said “you’ve been dealing with this for years. He just started dealing with it. Be patient.” This is helped me a lot because I was quite shocked when I realized I was really attracted to women. 

Yeah we have had many intense conversations over the years now but they all end up in the same way.  Even though he respects and acknowledges my needs, it is very hard for him to give me an all access pass.  

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On 3/9/2018 at 2:31 PM, ali32 said:

Hi all. It has been quite a while since I posted here...I needed to tell my husband about my being bi before feeling right about talking to other people about it. I recently took that plunge. He was shocked, but after reassuring him that I am still committed to our marriage and family he warmed up to the idea.

Now I have a new hurdle...how to break the news that this is a part of myself that I have not explored and would very much like to, while still being totally committed to him. I know there are lots of you ladies making this type of arrangement work, how did you ask your husbands for that freedom? How did they respond? Is it fair to expect him to NOT be with other women if he grants me the opportunity to explore? So many questions....thanks in advance.

I'm right with you. my husband knows and is supportive and I'm lucky to have that. I also wouldn't want to hide it from him, secrets don't lead to anything good. anyways, I'm stuck in that place where I don't know how to meet others. many women seem to hide their feelings and I don't just shout it out either. I'd love to make a best friend that could also be my "girlfriend" but that's a dream haha! I wish you luck on your journey!

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10 hours ago, glittershark said:

I'm right with you. my husband knows and is supportive and I'm lucky to have that. I also wouldn't want to hide it from him, secrets don't lead to anything good. anyways, I'm stuck in that place where I don't know how to meet others. many women seem to hide their feelings and I don't just shout it out either. I'd love to make a best friend that could also be my "girlfriend" but that's a dream haha! I wish you luck on your journey!

you share the same dream as me lol! Hubby is trying to be supportive - we will get there eventually.  But I question as well how do you find another woman!  Doesnt help probably if dont live in a big city.

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On 3/31/2018 at 2:38 PM, khichihouvan said:

 

Yeah we have had many intense conversations over the years now but they all end up in the same way.  Even though he respects and acknowledges my needs, it is very hard for him to give me an all access pass.  

Same with my hubby but has only been a year and the conversations are becoming more productive; so hopefully they will for you one day as well!

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