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How does your husband cope after telling him?

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I had a very interesting convo with my husband this morning and I'd like to share what he thinks that we should do after telling our husbands our desire to be in a relationship with woman or even just to explore. 

He said, "the wife has to check how his husband is coping about her sexuality and her want to explore this part of her. It's not just telling him what she wants and leave him to deal with it. She has to help him to cope with it through constant communication  (like what we're doing). She has to make sure that there are no miscommunication. It's not easy for me, but I also need help from my wife to reassure me. There's no certainty but at least I am not left alone to deal with it." 

We all have different husbands and your husband may not be as open-minded as mine. However,  I thought it'd be useful for anyone to have an idea knowing my husband's point of view based in his own experience.  

 

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my husband wants to be like yours.  He believes one day he will.  He just needs to learn to cope.  He has OCD so that makes it harder.  He says he wants me happy so if it comes up in the future he will need to let me so I can be happy.  He needs ALOT of communication as well.  So I have hope for the future if I ever find the right woman.  Well hope I can explore without destroying my marriage.  Just communication and trust.  I told him I was bisexual (and realized I was) about a year ago.  But he didnt really process it or believe me til a couple months ago.  But I think we are progressing.  New for both of us......so will see wbat future holds!

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Mine was as supportive as he could possibly have been, while still feeling insecure about it. His came from a fear that I would discover I was a lesbian and want to leave him, and our life and marriage, and run away with whatever girl I may fall for. It took a lot of reassurance that I was still prioritizing my marriage, and his sex needs, over anything on the side. It was a lot of work, but worth it. Now our situation is very different than it was 6 months ago, or even 6 weeks ago, but we're much more open about talking about stuff now  (We had quite the conversation about swinging this afternoon). Additionally, I actually think our marriage is stronger. While being with a woman was amazing and I've no doubt I'm bi, I took a vow and I intend to stay with my husband and support our marriage, and since he has no doubt about that in his mind, it's easier for him to not mind. We have talked about the next time something comes up, how comfortable he will be if he isn't involved (sexually) at all or as often, and he said he won't say no if that is what I want and need, but to remember to reassure him I'm not going anywhere.

I feel like it's completely natural for a guy to say he will support you, until it's a matter of actually sharing you and your body with someone else. Some men just handle that better than others, the same way some women talk about wanting threesomes, then getting a chance and backing out.  No one can actually know how they are going to feel or react to the situation until they've been directly faced with it and all we can do is make our husbands/boyfriends feel secure in our relationships.

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This initially sounds like good advice but I feel like women already do so much emotional labor, even in situations where we're the ones who need support. Coming out is a big deal. If you want to support your husband's feelings and check in, power to you, but it shouldn't be your responsibility to take his emotional temperature all the time.

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42 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

but it shouldn't be your responsibility to take his emotional temperature all the time.

All the time? My goodness! That's stressful! :D 

46 minutes ago, ChemFem said:

This initially sounds like good advice but I feel like women already do so much emotional labor, even in situations where we're the ones who need support.

It's not a one size that fits all. Some married women who came out to their husbands are much stronger than the others. Everything is relative. We all have different personalities, beliefs, marital situations;  different kind of husband. I think the idea is to make your husband feel that you as his wife understands him too as he still tries to understand and accept you. Some husbands talk to their mates and ask advice. Some don't; they take refuge in what google has to say. More often than not, they receive wrong advice or perceive a situation that doesn't even exist  in his wife's mind. That's why communication between the couple is a must. For me, there's a shared responsibility in checking each other's emotional state. It works for me.  

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It's possible I feel differently because I didn't discover I was bi until after I was married. So it's not as if my being bi is something he knew he was getting into. Neither of us did. And he could have left when I came out to him, and he didn't. He stayed by my side and asked that if I do this I help him feel secure. I see not one good reason not to grant him that request. If I had gone into the marriage knowing I was bi it's likely I would feel very differently. 

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On 3/17/2018 at 9:06 PM, LizzySizzles said:

Mine was as supportive as he could possibly have been, while still feeling insecure about it. His came from a fear that I would discover I was a lesbian and want to leave him, and our life and marriage, and run away with whatever girl I may fall for. It took a lot of reassurance that I was still prioritizing my marriage, and his sex needs, over anything on the side. It was a lot of work, but worth it. Now our situation is very different than it was 6 months ago, or even 6 weeks ago, but we're much more open about talking about stuff now  (We had quite the conversation about swinging this afternoon). Additionally, I actually think our marriage is stronger. While being with a woman was amazing and I've no doubt I'm bi, I took a vow and I intend to stay with my husband and support our marriage, and since he has no doubt about that in his mind, it's easier for him to not mind. We have talked about the next time something comes up, how comfortable he will be if he isn't involved (sexually) at all or as often, and he said he won't say no if that is what I want and need, but to remember to reassure him I'm not going anywhere.

I feel like it's completely natural for a guy to say he will support you, until it's a matter of actually sharing you and your body with someone else. Some men just handle that better than others, the same way some women talk about wanting threesomes, then getting a chance and backing out.  No one can actually know how they are going to feel or react to the situation until they've been directly faced with it and all we can do is make our husbands/boyfriends feel secure in our relationships.

I think the fear of discovering she's a lesbian and leaving for a woman is #1 in most men's minds when they find out their wives are bi.

And I agree about how it can be when push comes to shove.  It's a lot to ask someone to be willing to share their partner, but also that giving that freedom is a huge act of love and faith.  Feeling confident in your primary relationship makes a huge difference on this one.  But even still, you can never really mitigate for all of the possibilities.  My ex-GF and I, I felt, were strong in our relationship, but she still met a guy that she let get in the way of that, to the point that I ended our relationship.  He wasn't an experiment or anything like that, but her priorities shifted fast, and I felt left out in the cold.  I don't think there's a way to foresee that sometimes, and it can really sneak up on you!

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28 minutes ago, BiTriMama said:

And I agree about how it can be when push comes to shove.  It's a lot to ask someone to be willing to share their partner, but also that giving that freedom is a huge act of love and faith.  Feeling confident in your primary relationship makes a huge difference on this one. 

Girl you ain't kidding about that huge act of love and faith. I don't think I realized what I was asking until the time came and I was walking out the door and went to kiss him goodbye. Suddenly I understood that he was giving me all the faith he had in me that I would come back, come home, and stay home, no matter what happened next. Suddenly all those times I had been insecure in our relationship, or with him, made me feel so silly because look how secure he was in our relationship to actually be letting (for lack of a better term) it happen. That is not to say we didn't heavily consider the risk involved, but there will always be risks to take, you just calculate as carefully as possible before taking them. Then still count on things going wonky. :wink:

Like I said a lot of my mentality comes from taking vows before I knew I was bi. Every single person has a different situation they are facing and what is perfect for me and mine absolutely won't work for the next relationship.

 

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Unless your marriage was open before coming out to your spouse I do think it’s our job to constantly reassure our husbands. I know I dealt with this in my head for a few years before telling him. It’s unfair to dump it on him and say “good luck”. We’ve been talking constantly and our marriage has improved and is better than it probably ever has. At this point he is not open to me exploring with a woman but also is open to changing his mind. It’s not a forever no. I’m ok with that right now because I’m not sure I’m ready to go explore anyways. 

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I think my situation is a little different than others in here. Before my husband and I got married he knew I was bi and he even participated once with me and my friend. He only participated with me, but she was there in the room also with me. He watched and had fun. So he was well informed. After we were married we figured out he has Aspergers  (very high functioning). Mostly it affects our relationship in that his sex drive is WAYYYYYY LESS THAN MINE, Alomost non existent now, where in the beginning we were like bunnies. And he was romantic and affectionate in the beginning so I feel like I got baited and switched with him. It's been 16 years of fighting, begging, and him making me feel horrible and undesirable. I've had a few more experiences with my friend but none in a LONG TIME and she's move away so no more with her. I am SO SO VERY VERY LONELY. I've told my husband if we don't fix our sex life with therapy I'm getting s girlfriend PRONTO. He doesn't seem to hear me or care. UGH. I'm not doing it to make him jealous or to leave him. I NEED LOVE AND SEX!!! 

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22 hours ago, BiTriMama said:

I think the fear of discovering she's a lesbian and leaving for a woman is #1 in most men's minds when they find out their wives are bi.

Plus to most men, lesbianism is TOTALLY mysterious, as they simply can't comprehend how a woman could be sexually satisfied and fulfilled without being penetrated by a penis...and IT REALLY FRIGHTENS THEM...

I can't tell you how many times I have had the 'lesbian sex' conversation with boyfriends/male partners and male friends (including gay men)... You know, 'What do you DO?', 'How does it work?', and yes, 'Which one's the man?' (because from the male perspective there must be a man present - even if only a simulated one - for it to be legitimate sex).  It's actually pretty easy to explain the basics of lesbian sex, but then, with men I was sexually involved with, I would be on the receiving end of all sorts of attempts to emulate what had I told them about, as if they had immediately incorporated it into their sexual repertoire so that they could compete with lesbians in bed...ha, ha, ha... Sometimes this was accompanied by questions such as 'Am I a good lesbian?'

Some men I knew actually asked if they could have 'lesbian lessons', to learn what mysterious sexual practices we engaged in, and how, for example, to give oral properly to make a woman climax... But I wasn't about to give away the trade secrets (not that they would have been able to perform to the proper specifications anyway), so politely declined... :)

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1 hour ago, BenedettaC said:

Sometimes this was accompanied by questions such as 'Am I a good lesbian?'

I laughed way harder at this than I probably should have.:lol:

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19 minutes ago, LizzySizzles said:

I laughed way harder at this than I probably should have.:lol:

Not at all! I got completely hysterical every time it happened...because they were TOTALLY SERIOUS !!! :D

 

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I literally cannot stop giggling at the mental images of that scenario that have popped into my head. Oh man, what a good start to my day. Thanks @BenedettaC!!!!

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1 hour ago, LizzySizzles said:

I literally cannot stop giggling at the mental images of that scenario that have popped into my head. Oh man, what a good start to my day. Thanks @BenedettaC!!!!

You're very welcome - I'm glad it gave you a good laugh! :)

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Mine said he'd deal with it and we started off in baby steps, with me talking to someone, but when the rubber hit the road, he wasn't having it. We're now separated and divorcing. 
Some people can make it work and if you can, that's freakin' awesome!

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