DiamondWillow

Something Missing

11 posts in this topic

This is going to be a long one, so bear with me.

I was a huge active member on this site a number of years ago (seriously, about 10 years ago!) when I was first accepting my bisexuality. This site was an amazing community for such a time in my life. I was in a serious relationship at the time, and eventually we broke up, due to other reasons as well, but me being bisexual and needing to explore that side of me was a big part of it.

Fast forward - I met my current husband soon after that, and explained to him that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship at the time (I was still exploring my bisexual side). We eventually started dating seriously, then steady, then we got married and now have a 1 1/2 year old son. I love my husband to death, he is definitely the only man for me, and my son is my absolute light of my life. 

But something is missing.

When we started dating, I had planned to be completely open about my sexuality - I was confident in it now. However at the early stage of us becoming friend, he told me how his most serious relationship was destroyed because she broke up with him due to her believing she was a lesbian, and he was pretty crushed. Imagine my thoughts when he told me this story, right before I was going to tell him about my own bisexuality. I held it from him because I knew he had a sensitive feeling towards it because of this past relationship, plus I didn't know where this relationship was going at the time, so I kept it hidden.

We've now been married for almost 4 years, and I've still never actually came out and said "I'm bisexual". I've made obvious comments and such, and often bring up the thought of us having a threesome to spice things up and what his thoughts would be on that (he would definitely be up for it), so a part of me thinks he suspects I'm bisexual, but as it stands I've never came out and actually said it (and let's face it, he's a man and can miss the obvious signals!)

Now I'm stuck. Especially in the last year or 2, I've been very much missing the other side. Not even really just the sexual part, but the girlfriend part, the romantic part, the flirting and connecting with other women. I know this is a part of me, and if I could marry both a man and a woman, I feel like all problems would be solved. I feel like polyamory is just a natural thing (that's a completely different topic), but I feel like I'm stuck with the missing piece.

It's been so long now, but I've been debating bringing it up, like "you DO know I"m bi, right?" and maybe flood into the part about I'm missing that side. Our sex life has definitely had it's down moments, and I think that could be a part of it.

UGH. I just really need some advice and people to talk to about this. It's been overwhelming my thoughts for some time now and I don't know what to do. 

Edited by DiamondWillow
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Diamond -

This is a sad post, especially for me who understands the problem you're addressing.  I was clear to my husband when we married that I was bi.  But he's from a conservative part of the country and a traditionalist in many ways.  I know he heard me, and I think he understood what I was saying intellectually,but I don't think he has ever internalized it or seen it as any significant aspect of our marriage.  I won't go through everything that's happened with us, but I finally concluded I had limited options, and I needed to choose one ... not just sit around and wait for pure happiness to break out.  The options I saw for me were:

  • Convince my husband that this was an important part of my sexuality, that I should be allowed to have a girlfriend, and that doing so would not threaten our marriage.  This was the ideal scenario but the one with the least possibility of occurring (by far).
  • Abandon the idea of convincing my husband and have an affair.  Learn to ignore that it made me a liar and a cheat, at least in my and his mind.  I tried this.  Didn't work for me, but might for you.
  • Take the marriage and family bird in my hand, and not pursue (at least for the foreseeable future), the bush in the bush.  That's what I'm trying now.  It's a work in progress, but people I've met here help fill the void.

Give my options some careful thought and let us know if you come up with any others that make sense to you.  LOTS of people here are struggling with this issue.  We could use your help.

Ame

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Ame, as difficult of a situation it is to be in, it does give some comfort to know that there are others struggling with this issue.

In my head, it's all a natural feeling, I've always been attracted to both genders - I get attracted to the person, the personality, the heart, the aura, not the gender... I understand with other people it is not the same natural feeling.

I'm leaning towards trying to bring up the nerve to have a full-on serious conversation about it with him. Eventually. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@DiamondWillow: 

It sounds like your husband is open-minded enough to have the conversation, but I think you should do more thinking before you get there. You need to have an idea of the next part of the equation: "I've been missing this side of myself AND [this is what I think might help solve the problem]": 

"I want to go ahead and explore that threesome we've been talking about."

"What would you think of me flirting and fooling around with a woman the side?"

.... Whatever that "something" is. 

Because otherwise you're dropping a big piece of news on him along with a side plate of "I'm not content, and I don't know how you could help me with that."

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, I’ve had lots of thought on the ‘what would satisfy me’. Ideally, I would love to have a girlfriend. Obviously my main focus would be my husband and my son, but I would love to be able to have someone special romantically as a woman as well.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I actually seperated with my husband 2 months ago.  Many issues really but he was not 'into' me bisexual when I realized I was.  So like your 1st!  Feel free to message me as well.  We arent THAT far from each other :)

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Very difficult situation.  During my marriage I actually joined this site.   I’ve been officially divorced for a year and half plus.  We were separated for awhile.  During that time I didn’t enter into a relationship with a woman even though I really wanted to pursue that side of me.  I never spoke to my husband about it as we were long time friends before dating and the fear of exposing way too much was a lot for me.  Right before my divorce was final I met the sweetest guy and we’ve been together pretty much ever since.  He’s totally against cheating or sharing etc.  He knows I’ve had sexual experiences with women in the past.  I really wouldn’t want to even bring up a three some with him because I don’t want that for us I care about him too much as a person and I know that can change a lot most of the time not for the better.  He’s been cheated on before and hurt.  I feel as if I’m missing out though because part of me yearns for a romantic female relationship even though I’ve never fully had one.  I think it’s something a lot of us struggle with.   I planned on being single after my divorce and figuring myself out.  Things don’t always end up as we plan so for now I have to see where this path leads.  My ex husband and I didn’t have any kids, he’s now re-married with a baby on the way.  Good luck ladies we’ve all been there.  

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I’m right with you , something is missing and I found it but haven’t talked about it or pursued it. I’m glad I’m not alone. 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I doubt your husband has figured out that you're bi.  Men (frankly, most people) don't take hints for shit.  You will need to be frank with him, including about what you want.  Be sensitive to his past, but especially if you want to be able to pursue women, you need to be honest with him, and reassure him.

The reality, however, is that there is no way to know with 100% certainty that this WON'T impact your marriage, and for the worse.  It could also make it better.  I will say that when I was married, and we were dating someone, in some ways, it made things better.  It heightened a lot, and magnified the flaws in our marriage as well.  I felt more fulfilled being able to, with some limits, be with a woman I cared about, but in my case, it also made me long for having ONLY her.

Did you ever explore this while you were single?  What happens if you meet a woman you REALLY fall for?  What about NRE clouding your brain?

Keep in mind that you're bringing up two totally different (though related) subjects- your sexuality AND your desire to be able to date someone else.  You might have to tackle the two topics separately.

I would recommend reading The Ethical Slut by Janet W Hardy with regards to dating a woman.  It's a great read and it'll help you avoid a lot of common mistakes.

Are you okay with him also pursuing someone?  What happens if he expects that?

The more time you spend here, the more you'll know you're far from alone.  Many of us have been there in one way or another, and you'll see a variety of experiences all over this site.

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks @BiTriMama - yes I’ve dated women before (right before I met my husband). I would be ok with him seeing someone, but I don’t think he would want to/be confident enough to pursue that? Again, something to bring up in a conversation too...

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2018-06-14 at 9:20 PM, JESV said:

I actually seperated with my husband 2 months ago.  Many issues really but he was not 'into' me bisexual when I realized I was.  So like your 1st!  Feel free to message me as well.  We arent THAT far from each other :)

Not far at all! 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now