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Tpearl002

Dating Married Women

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I’ve noticed that a few married women on her also have girlfriends.  (Disclaimer: I’m in no way judging that)

My question is actually for single women. Assuming that her husband is okay with it, would you be willing to pursue a relationship with a married woman?

Personally, I have a stronger romantic attraction to men. I feel like I’ll most likely end up married to a man ( assuming I get married to anyone in general).

However, I would still be hesitant to date a married woman. If I did I could fall in love with her. I could want to marry her which couldn’t happen if she’s married and unwilling to leave.

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Hey, maybe this old thread will answer your question. It's a bit of reading but a lot of single ladies here responded. You don't have to read everything and skip some years if you like. It's up to you. Enjoy. :wink:

 

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Thanks. I’ll read through it.

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I dated a married woman once who lives on the other side of the world. Her husband knows about it and all but it was too hard for me. Don't think i'll ever do it again.

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Married women are tough, especially as a single woman. Most of my experiences have been with married women and did not turn out well.

However, I also had a disheartening, hurtful experience with a longtime bi friend who was single. She threw me under the bus for her control freak ahole BF whom she barely knew and we had been friends 10 plus years. We are no longer friends.

I cannot speak for married women but I think if everyone is open and honest and on the same page, I think it might be easier for married women to date or be sexually intimate. It really depends on what you want and your boundaries.

From my single woman's perspective, I felt like I was getting the leftover crumbs and was an afterthough in the married woman's life.

Some single women may not have a problem being an occasional sexual hook-up, no strings attached set up, but sex minus an emotional or mental connection does not work for me--man or woman. I also want someone to give me their full attention and not always possible. With married folks (and even divorced/single moms), they have a lot going on, especially with kids and family responsibilities.

Some people can make it work but I feel someone is going to get hurt in the end--why the poly lifestyle is not my thing. I have gone down that road briefly with married men and that sucks too.

If you are single and date a married woman, just go into the situation with realistic expectations and your eyes wide open.

 Be honest and transparent from the start. It is when people start to lie and act sneaky that things can take a bad turn very quickly.

Please be respectful of the other person's feelings. Whatever your status, just remember the other person is a human being and has feelings and thoughts and it is not a one-sided situation. 

 

 

Edited by Yogagirl34
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@Yogagirl34 I'm so sorry to hear about those difficult experiences you've had. Speaking as a married woman who recently had a relationship online with a lady I absolutely considered to be my girlfriend - I completely understand your wariness about dating us! For my part, I think I would be wary about dating a single girl. The imbalance of our situations would worry me, and the potential for her to get hurt.

My girlfriend was also married with kids, which made things a little easier for me. We both had lots and lots of other commitments, so when either of us had to take an extended break from messaging because of family stuff, the other would understand and not feel neglected. Don't get me wrong, we were deeply in love, but we still kept one foot on the ground because we had to. Neither of us was ready to break up our families, uproot our children and move them halfway around the world to be together - I doubt any relationship could emerge beautifully intact from that kind of wreckage. And we both understood that what made our connection so lovely was the fact that it wasn't real, not in the by-turns wonderful and utterly boring way that marriage can sometimes be. We were escaping our real lives, it was a euphoria-inducing fantasy...

…. which is fine if you both have something to escape. Because even though it CAN be very monotonous, and slightly crushing in a gender inequality way, marriage and family is also very grounding, and warm, and reliable, and safe. I felt more comfortable knowing that I was with someone who had all of that for herself, and who wanted from me the exact same thing I wanted from her. That and no more. I wouldn't want to keep a single girl emotionally tied to me when she could be out looking for a better prospect. I wouldn't want to feel like I was constantly letting her down or giving her less than she needed. But if it did happen - I know how these things can just strike you - then at the very least I'd be super honest, right from the off, about what my limitations are. That said, I'm not sure it would achieve much if both of us were becoming infatuated.

 

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@starcrossed I really appreciate your perspective and thanks for sharing your personal experiences. Believe me. my feelings were strong and I knew what I was getting into. I never expected any of them to uproot their lives for me and no way am I the homewrecker type.

It just got to be frustrating and a little disappointing because I got emotionally attached.

I lead a very happy and fulfilled life as a single woman/no kids (am unable to have children) and I personally do not feel that I need to be married to have a full and complete life. Marriage is great for others but have never had a pressing desire to be married. At 46, I am okay with where I am in my life sans spouse. I have been in longterm relationships but not sure marriage is for me. I am a free-spirited Gemini ha!

However, I am always open to the possibility of a serious, committed relationship with the right, healthy person and dipped my toes recently back into the dating waters.. 

Thanks for sharing and and appreciate your feedback. It gives me a new perspective from a married woman's POV.

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I know I personally could not have a relationship with a married person (man or woman). I get to emotionally attached and know I'll get jealouse and start saying/doing stupid things. I don't ever want to fill like leftovers again. Someone's dirty secret. Not healthy for me to be in a situation like that.I want to find the one person who loves me for me. I'm honestly not sure if that is ever in the cards for me, but either way, I don't want to just settle. 

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I’ve had periods of my life where I’ve considered dating someone attached.  I had a FWB for years who was engaged when we met (his fiancée knew about me).  I think it can work for some, but it’s not something I would have ever done for the long haul.  Ultimately I’ve figured out that polyamory doesn’t work for me, and thankfully my partner is the same way.

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On ‎13‎/‎07‎/‎2018 at 10:11 PM, Yogagirl34 said:

@starcrossed I really appreciate your perspective and thanks for sharing your personal experiences. Believe me. my feelings were strong and I knew what I was getting into. I never expected any of them to uproot their lives for me and no way am I the homewrecker type.

It just got to be frustrating and a little disappointing because I got emotionally attached.

I lead a very happy and fulfilled life as a single woman/no kids (am unable to have children) and I personally do not feel that I need to be married to have a full and complete life. Marriage is great for others but have never had a pressing desire to be married. At 46, I am okay with where I am in my life sans spouse. I have been in longterm relationships but not sure marriage is for me. I am a free-spirited Gemini ha!

However, I am always open to the possibility of a serious, committed relationship with the right, healthy person and dipped my toes recently back into the dating waters.. 

Thanks for sharing and and appreciate your feedback. It gives me a new perspective from a married woman's POV.

Oh, thank you for listening to it :) And I hope it didn't come off as patronising - reading my post back, I sound a bit like I'm advocating for marriage and children as the ultimate life, and that's absolutely not what I think! I'm not sure I understand the drivers that led me into marriage - I didn't think about it nearly enough, just let my unconscious lead me by the nose - and there's a free-spirited part of me that chafes against it daily. Nor do I even necessarily believe that it's reliably 'forever,' because you'd have to be in pretty powerful denial to look at the stats and not conclude that divorce and co-parenting etc is a strong possibility. But now that I'm here and I have a young child, I'm okay with the degree of contentment that I have and I'm relatively accepting of the things that I lack. I have to be, really. And that includes accepting the fact that I might not always be the most faithful wife; it's not ideal but I'll keep it within boundaries that I can live with and try to avoid hurting people. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Life's too short, you know? 

Anyway, good luck to your toe in those dating waters, I hope it gets some very lovely, unmarried bites ;-p

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On ‎19‎/‎06‎/‎2018 at 10:07 AM, Tpearl002 said:

I’ve noticed that a few married women on her also have girlfriends.  (Disclaimer: I’m in no way judging that)

My question is actually for single women. Assuming that her husband is okay with it, would you be willing to pursue a relationship with a married woman?

Personally, I have a stronger romantic attraction to men. I feel like I’ll most likely end up married to a man ( assuming I get married to anyone in general).

However, I would still be hesitant to date a married woman. If I did I could fall in love with her. I could want to marry her which couldn’t happen if she’s married and unwilling to leave.

I'm single and my answer would be No, I wouldn't date a married woman. also (disclaimer: Not being judgemental in any way, only my thing). Even if her hubby was ok with it, I'd feel too guilty. Mentally, I couldn't do it. I also get too attached. I'll share my lunch but not my woman.  Once I get connected to someone, (male or female) it's hard to break that for me, so I don't go there. I have fallen for a married woman, and it was so f$#@ing  hard, only good thing, she didn't like me, lol, so that made it easier as I can handle hate, anger better than love. It can get so messy. Some may be able to do it but not me. Good Communication would be paramount I reckon. 

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On ‎14‎/‎07‎/‎2018 at 5:01 AM, Yogagirl34 said:

Married women are tough, especially as a single woman. Most of my experiences have been with married women and did not turn out well.

However, I also had a disheartening, hurtful experience with a longtime bi friend who was single. She threw me under the bus for her control freak ahole BF whom she barely knew and we had been friends 10 plus years. We are no longer friends.

I cannot speak for married women but I think if everyone is open and honest and on the same page, I think it might be easier for married women to date or be sexually intimate. It really depends on what you want and your boundaries.

From my single woman's perspective, I felt like I was getting the leftover crumbs and was an afterthough in the married woman's life.

Some single women may not have a problem being an occasional sexual hook-up, no strings attached set up, but sex minus an emotional or mental connection does not work for me--man or woman. I also want someone to give me their full attention and not always possible. With married folks (and even divorced/single moms), they have a lot going on, especially with kids and family responsibilities.

Some people can make it work but I feel someone is going to get hurt in the end--why the poly lifestyle is not my thing. I have gone down that road briefly with married men and that sucks too.

If you are single and date a married woman, just go into the situation with realistic expectations and your eyes wide open.

 Be honest and transparent from the start. It is when people start to lie and act sneaky that things can take a bad turn very quickly.

Please be respectful of the other person's feelings. Whatever your status, just remember the other person is a human being and has feelings and thoughts and it is not a one-sided situation. 

 

 

Well said. 

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On ‎14‎/‎07‎/‎2018 at 6:55 AM, starcrossed said:

@Yogagirl34 I'm so sorry to hear about those difficult experiences you've had. Speaking as a married woman who recently had a relationship online with a lady I absolutely considered to be my girlfriend - I completely understand your wariness about dating us! For my part, I think I would be wary about dating a single girl. The imbalance of our situations would worry me, and the potential for her to get hurt.

My girlfriend was also married with kids, which made things a little easier for me. We both had lots and lots of other commitments, so when either of us had to take an extended break from messaging because of family stuff, the other would understand and not feel neglected. Don't get me wrong, we were deeply in love, but we still kept one foot on the ground because we had to. Neither of us was ready to break up our families, uproot our children and move them halfway around the world to be together - I doubt any relationship could emerge beautifully intact from that kind of wreckage. And we both understood that what made our connection so lovely was the fact that it wasn't real, not in the by-turns wonderful and utterly boring way that marriage can sometimes be. We were escaping our real lives, it was a euphoria-inducing fantasy...

…. which is fine if you both have something to escape. Because even though it CAN be very monotonous, and slightly crushing in a gender inequality way, marriage and family is also very grounding, and warm, and reliable, and safe. I felt more comfortable knowing that I was with someone who had all of that for herself, and who wanted from me the exact same thing I wanted from her. That and no more. I wouldn't want to keep a single girl emotionally tied to me when she could be out looking for a better prospect. I wouldn't want to feel like I was constantly letting her down or giving her less than she needed. But if it did happen - I know how these things can just strike you - then at the very least I'd be super honest, right from the off, about what my limitations are. That said, I'm not sure it would achieve much if both of us were becoming infatuated.

 

I loved reading this.  You sound like a very genuine person. I hadn't thought of an online relationship as an option. I'm not sure how I'd go with this as I'd get frustrated not being able to touch her or smell her. Touch has a huge impact on me.  I have being married and thankfully my girls are grown up now, but I do understand the obligations of a married partner. I'm a person who takes friendships seriously so would keep in touch no matter what. Communication is key in any friendship. 

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I tried that as a single woman.  It didn't go well.  So much jealousy and obstacles to have it work in any way shape or form.  Even if their husband says it's ok...that only lasts for a short time until they no longer feel comfortable with it and start to stop their wife from seeing you.

 

Not all relationships end up like that.  That was just my experience, at least a glimpse of it.  I can say I'd never do it again.  I didn't like feeling 2nd class or only wanted when it was convenient.

 

I am extremely happy in a relationship with another woman (who wasn't attached) now.  And I hope to stay with her for a very long time.  

But, you have to do what's right for you and what you'd be comfortable with.  And sometimes you find out the hard way...lol 

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I am a married woman and I feel like I have to contribute my experience in this thread. One with another woman and another with a single woman. 

2 hours ago, Athena423 said:

... only wanted when it was convenient.

I had to turn down (with huge effort) a booty call set up with a local bisexual married woman that I met on a random encounter last year. It's like, "hey hun, I'm in town, you wanna bang?" It's probably okay if sex was only what I was looking for but not. At least, she was clear in the very beginning what particular situation she thought only worked for her to keep her marriage intact and at the same time still be able to satiate her craving for women sex. 

On 7/14/2018 at 7:01 AM, Yogagirl34 said:

If you are single and date a married woman, just go into the situation with realistic expectations and your eyes wide open.

Initially, the single woman who I was dating briefly was okay and didn't mind that I was married. It was after a short while when she realised that she's wanting more and more of me. She wanted me for herself only. 

The first one, I thought we had a perfect chemistry but I found out her ideal situation was not matching my moral compass. The second one, I thought was perfectly fine in the beginning but then she realised that it's not her ideal situation. I still don't know what to make anything of these at all. The  more I think and analyse women, the more I fail. Hahaha!!! So ironic because I'm one of them. So, nowadays, whatever! I don't care if you're married or single. If we can create perfect moments, if we can be even once or twice be honest with each other on what really feel at that moment. If we can be genuine in bed wanting each other not only for the sake of sex but because YOU want ME and I want YOU, then, that's good enough for me. That's good enough because I will not be perfect for you in the real world and you will not be perfect for me, either. But the moments we create will be. Because it is ours in our limited perfect time. 

Yesterday, I was talking to a very wise good friend about my growing affection for this certain woman. I asked her if she thought that I had a penchant for self-torture. She said, "no, I think you have a penchant for romantic ideals which isn't dangerous, just means you don't wanna quit sometimes." 

Hmm, yeah. 

 

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I did have a relationship with another woman while I was married. So here's my perspective.

I would be willing to pursue a relationship with a married woman. She's an adult, and competent to decide for herself if this is something she wants. and is willing to engage in.  If she wants to be with me, and the attraction is mutual, then as far I'm concerned I'm OK with it if she is.

That having been said, a couple of cautions apply. First, you have a great responsibility to not blow up her life. That means respecting her privacy and discretion absolutely. She may be taking some risk to be with me, so be aware of that always. Second, you have to understand and accept  that however much you come to care for this woman and however much you enjoy being with her, you can never be first in her life. The odds are there's no HEA in your future, so you have to accept an HFN. (Happy Ever After/Happy For Now. The terms come from the romance novel genre.) If you're not OK with this, then don't start down this road. Finally, you both have to be clear on where this is leading. Maybe this is just you're lovers while you can be, and offer each other emotional support, warmth, smoking hot sex, or whatever. But you have no expectation that she's going to leave her family for you, and neither does she, really.  If you both decide that she should leave him for you, then maybe that happens, but neither of you should expect that as a realistic outcome. Go into it knowing that it's temporary, and you have to be on the same page about this.

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On 7/22/2018 at 9:57 AM, Sithandra said:

I did have a relationship with another woman while I was married. So here's my perspective.

I would be willing to pursue a relationship with a married woman. She's an adult, and competent to decide for herself if this is something she wants. and is willing to engage in.  If she wants to be with me, and the attraction is mutual, then as far I'm concerned I'm OK with it if she is.

That having been said, a couple of cautions apply. First, you have a great responsibility to not blow up her life. That means respecting her privacy and discretion absolutely. She may be taking some risk to be with me, so be aware of that always. Second, you have to understand and accept  that however much you come to care for this woman and however much you enjoy being with her, you can never be first in her life. The odds are there's no HEA in your future, so you have to accept an HFN. (Happy Ever After/Happy For Now. The terms come from the romance novel genre.) If you're not OK with this, then don't start down this road. Finally, you both have to be clear on where this is leading. Maybe this is just you're lovers while you can be, and offer each other emotional support, warmth, smoking hot sex, or whatever. But you have no expectation that she's going to leave her family for you, and neither does she, really.  If you both decide that she should leave him for you, then maybe that happens, but neither of you should expect that as a realistic outcome. Go into it knowing that it's temporary, and you have to be on the same page about this.

Totally agree and it's how I've lived my life when it comes to dating married women (and I'm a married woman, too). Respect where they're at, don't actively mess up or destroy their marriages/families, if they want it on the 'down low' (do people still say that or am I showing my age?), then that's where you keep things and whatever you do, don't fall so head over heels in love with her that you end up being some clinging stalker type. lol :)

Edited by Freaky.Fiona
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Married, single, whatever, it depends on each person, what they want from the relationship, how they balance both relationships (if they are also married) and most importantly that you're both on the same page! If one wants more and the other can't offer that, or can't handle it because feelings become deeper than they anticipated, it's not going to work. 

For the single woman whose considering dating a married woman......we have a lot to offer......we just can't give you everything.....even if there are moments that we wish we could. And if you do enter into it, do so with love and respect for that person and their family and understand that you will have to be second to them or it will never work.

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I would not be okay with that. That's settling to me. I want a relationship. I want to be that person's special someone and I want her to be mine. It's pretty simple. I just want a regular monogamous relationship. I just happen to be a woman who wants a woman for a partner and not a man. 

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1 hour ago, Booknerd1 said:

I would not be okay with that. That's settling to me. I want a relationship. I want to be that person's special someone and I want her to be mine. It's pretty simple. I just want a regular monogamous relationship. I just happen to be a woman who wants a woman for a partner and not a man. 

That is exactly how I feel I would be settling. 

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On 7/23/2018 at 6:25 PM, lsroses said:

Married, single, whatever, it depends on each person, what they want from the relationship, how they balance both relationships (if they are also married) and most importantly that you're both on the same page! If one wants more and the other can't offer that, or can't handle it because feelings become deeper than they anticipated, it's not going to work. 

For the single woman whose considering dating a married woman......we have a lot to offer......we just can't give you everything.....even if there are moments that we wish we could. And if you do enter into it, do so with love and respect for that person and their family and understand that you will have to be second to them or it will never work.

This is a tough topic, but I love how you summed it up. 

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This is how I feel too as a single woman. I do not want to settle nor do I want to be second or an afterthought. I realize that my patterns have been similar with both men and women and have made big changes in this area of my life. I tend to fall for people who are married or in committed relationships. Despite making a clean break with them, men (including exes) have attempted to pop back into my life unexpectedly by randomly professing they still are attracted to me (like years later!!), have feelings for me, still think about me, etc.  No thanks, the ships have sailed!!  This has happened mainly with men but a few women too. I deserve more and will not settle for the leftover, emotional crumbs anymore. Just a lot of weird, effed up head/emotional games and I am so done with the head trippers.

I am all or nothing when it comes to my feelings. I think a lot of it is that I tend to give too much of myself too soon. Even though I tend to be logical and rational and think I am being cautious, my heart goes full throttle if I find myself really attracted to that person and feel a strong emotional connection. 

I appreciate everyone's feedback, and it was interesting to read about everyone's personal experiences. Thanks!

Edited by Yogagirl34
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It strikes me that the answer to this question has everything to do with what you're looking for.

Interestingly (to me), most of the single women responders are looking for a long term partner that they can make an emotional investment in, and they expect exclusivity.  Wisely, they don't think married women are good candidates for this because they already have a long term partner and exclusivity isn't in the cards (unless the married woman is having marital difficulties and may be a single woman soon enough).

Many, not all, married women are looking for FWB relationships.  They don't want to leave their husband and family but want a physically intimate, but not an emotionally intimate relationship with a woman.  Another married woman with the same objectives would seem to be a good opportunity for this.

I didn't actually count, but it seemed to me that the single women that wanted a FWB relationship were in the minority.  For those that are open to that, the right married woman might be a good choice.

But, as always, the trick is to be clear what you want, and to carefully and gently tease out what your potential partner wants.  All of this said, if I were a single woman, I wouldn't think my odds would be very good with a married one.

Ame

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This is all assuming that rationality prevails, and a coup de foudre doesn't occur... 

As a general rule, I'm a very rational person...but I know very well that sometimes it just doesn't matter how rational you usually are... It can all very easily go right out of the window if the right woman comes along...married or not... 

I'm a firm believer that rather than there being 'the One' for each person, there are quite a few different 'Ones' that we might encounter in life...and whether they are married or not really doesn't come into that interpersonal chemistry... So, if/when that happens, try to keep your head screwed on straight, if you can... :D

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52 minutes ago, BenedettaC said:

head screwed on straight,

Ah ha!

So that's the secret.  Its the head!  I must have mistakenly been screwing somewhere else ...

Sigh

Ame

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